Wednesday, February 22, 2017

#23 - Always Follow Your Dreams*

In loving memory of our dear friend Jacqueline Mitchell, who followed her dreams right up until the very end, and whose dreams were most definitely not stupid.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Dr. Dick Fingers, MD

Hey guys, Bryan here. And today I need your help in figuring out something of great importance. I need to know if my wife's new coworker is actually a prostitute.

See, the wife just got a cool new job at a hair salon, and the girls she works with are great, if not a little eccentric. One of them, who we'll call Sunshine, is a hippy that legally changed her name to Sunshine because she thought it suited her aura better. In addition to styling hair, she also moonlights as a so-called sex therapist. I say so-called because, much like a life coach, she has no actual training or accreditation. She simply sees people to help them, as she tells it, "express their sexuality better."

She also makes it no secret that when she sees a man, she ends the "session" by "helping him express his sexuality" ...all over her. You know, something like this.

She deals mostly with handy-j's, sometimes including an optional "prostate massage", which she provides as a "service" for the men who've paid her. And many of them, having been "happy customers", return to her frequently for more of these "happy endings."

So... that kind of makes her a sort of prostitute... right...?

And please note that these are her words, not mine. She's more than happy to explain this to everyone she works with, including that her sex therapy "classes" almost always end with a friendly handy-j. This definitely makes it weird when she talks to the wife, because when they have a conversation like this...

What my wife really hears is this...

But here's the thing... this woman absolutely insists that she is a professional therapist whose only job is to help people embrace their sexuality.

And so you can see that this whole thing is messing with my head, because I would swear that what this woman is doing is basically prostitution. And the law here is pretty cut and dry - if you pay someone and get any form of sex in exchange, it's illegal. I mean, I feel like if this was a legal loophole, your average prostitute would be found on the street corner dressed in her best slutty nurse costume, offering "discount therapy" at the Motel 8 run by a pimp named Dr. $iZzUrP.

For once, Google is of no use to me. If you search for anything involving sex therapists and hand jobs, touching patients, stimulating them, etc., all you get is hundreds upon hundreds of porn results, because apparently a ton of people have fantasies about screwing their therapist, while not realizing that she's located here in Denver and the happy ending is always included.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to tattle on her, or get her in trouble, or anything like that. I'm no prude. Just call this Asshole Curiosity™, and indulge me, because it's going to bother me if I don't know. So below is a completely anonymous (jackass) poll, which you are all invited to fill out for shits, grins, lulz, and maybe just a smattering of knowledge.

Oh, and really, if anyone DOES know... this can't be legal, right...?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Low Roar
Beer: Lagunitas IPA

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Meet My Pop Star and Win an iPad. Or Don't. I Don't Really Care.

Hey guys. Bryan here. I've teased before that I'm the social media manager for an up-and-coming pop star, but haven't been able to tell you much outside of a few anecdotes, and I haven't yet dropped her name. But now I finally have permission from the boss-lady to introduce her to you guys and tell you a bit more about what I do.

My job is wonderfully weird. For example, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that pop stars are very busy people with very busy lives, so while Pop Star does pen her own social media posts, I'm ultimately the one in charge of punching them up, fine-tuning the spelling/grammar, and posting them for her. And sometimes, when she's not available, she'll ask me to respond to fans for her. As her.

Which is fun when you have no idea what the hell these slang-spewing children are talking about.

(You can hardly tell I'm not her, right? RIGHT?)

I also advise her on things like what she should and shouldn't post, since, believe it or not, there's actually a right and a wrong way to post on social media.

Example of a good tweet:
Sooo excited for you guys to hear my debut album! I put so much hard work and love into it!
Example of a bad tweet:
Say what you will, but that Hitler guy had some pretty good ideas.

What some might call impersonating someone else on the Internet, I call expert social media crafting. Or something like that. As I once tweeted from our recently resurrected ABftS Twitter account...

I also am the first line of defense for comments. Now, Pop Star has a pretty thick skin, but we all know how vicious trolls on the Internet can be. We leave up constructive criticism, but I make sure to delete blatantly nasty messages and comments before Pop Star can see them and have her remaining innocence shattered by learning a whole dictionary full of new swear words, along with the things these people would do to her (via these swear words).

And then my soul withers just a little bit further and I weep for the future of humanity at the things people are capable of saying to a complete stranger on the Internet who means them no harm whatsoever.

You know, just another day at the office!

black belt in internet commenting

It's a fun job, though. And Pop Star is great because she's not a slobbering idiot who's more concerned about her set being alabaster white instead of eggshell white. She's smart, and she's really business savvy, and not once has she asked me to pick out only the blue M&Ms for her. That has to count for something.

Meet SR.

If you haven't heard of her, that's alright. Like I said at the beginning of the post, she's up-and-coming. But the up part is definitely there. Her new single is currently #15 on the Billboard music charts, trailing just behind Britney "How the Hell Am I Still Relevant" Spears and still climbing. If you haven't heard of her yet, you probably will soon. And I'm partly to blame for that.

Below is the music video that inspired this wonderful post about the world's worst music video shoot and how I got banned from Adele's studio. Considering how horribly that all went down, the music video turned out pretty well.

Now, if you're fans of ours, then I don't have any delusions that you're going to love this type of music or love this type of video. I don't think I have to tell you that Brandon and I don't sit there in our free time cranking this kind of song up to 11 while we dance along with the choreographed video. But at least you can see the end result of the video shoot and see what she's about, and if you're feeling feisty, jump over to YouTube and leave a comment and tell her that ABftS sent you. She'll probably get a kick out of it.

Also, she's doing this Facebook contest right now to get the video some more exposure, and she told me that I can open it up to my readers. First place is an iPad Mini 4, second place is some Skullcandy Bluetooth Wireless Headphones, third place is a $50 Amazon gift card, and fourth place is the first loser. All you have to do is Like/Share/Tag a friend/Sacrifice the blood of a newborn babe.

Well, minus that last thing.

In case you're wondering, this isn't some kind of scam to get your information, and SR will not be calling you to set up an appointment to sell you a timeshare in Aspen. It's just a cool way to get her video some more likes and shares and all of that digital nonsense that we humans glorify as holding any sort of meaning.

And if this song isn't your cup of tea, then torture your hipster friends with it until it gets stuck in their heads like an earworm-style brainbomb. Tag your parents or grandparents as punishment for being on Facebook in the first place, and make them try to figure out what the hell 'tagging' is as they reply in embarrassing messages that they don't realize are public. Or tag your favorite 1990s D-list actor so they'll be tricked into thinking they're relevant once again.

Or don't. It doesn't really matter to me. But I figure if someone's gonna win some free shit, it might as well be one of you classy folks reading this blog and not some random assface teenager*.

*apologies to any random assface teenagers that stumbled upon this

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: The Midnight
Beer: Four Noses Honey Nut Beerios