Monday, June 19, 2017

I Blame My Dad for This Post

I was planning a bigger post for today, but I spent most of the weekend eating charred meat and trying to explain basic computer functions over and over and over again. That probably sounds like some kind of bizarre torture ritual, but actually, that's just another Father's Day with my dear old dad, who likes his coffee and his steak the same way - black. It was fun, and I learned that my dad is sort of a superhero, in a way.

So in honor of Father's Day, I wanted to share 5 fun superhero facts about my dad.

1. I've never seen him without a mustache. Ever. I always wondered what was beneath it, and it turns out that underneath his mustache, there is only a bigger, stronger mustache... waiting to strike.

2. When he was young, he would wrestle and kill wild wolves for sport, with his bare hands. He would then siphon their souls into his t-shirt. This is why he owns so many of those cheesy wolf t-shirts.

Each of them is a wolf he has bested in combat.

3. He believes that grilled meat needs to be properly charred because the crispiness on the outside traps the flavor on the inside, like a kind of cruel flavor prison.

4. He can break any computer just by touching it. Sometimes even by looking in its general direction. He can also install 8,000 toolbars on a web browser with but a single click.

5. Like the Greek warrior Achilles, his heel is his only weak spot. This is why he wears socks and sandals together, to act as double protection for his only single vulnerability.

As long as he wears this velcro padded armor, he is expected to live forever, continuing to terrorize wolves and computers with reckless abandon.

Oh, and he's also a pretty great guy. He's the kindest, most patient person I know, and I wouldn't be who I am without him. Take that as a good thing or a bad thing, I guess.

Any fun facts about your own father?

Cheers and stay fatherly, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon, who's about to be a father any time now)

Music: Toro y Moi
Beer: Not Your Father's Root Beer

Notice how he's wearing the wolf t-shirt. Yeah, I didn't ask him to do that. He already was. Classic dad.

Bonus: new (probably not to you) comic over on Tapas today. Check it out. Or don't.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Monday, June 5, 2017

2 Legit 2 Quit

After all these years, we're finally going legit.

No, we're not talking about the underground heroin operation we have going (which, I guess, is ruined now that we've mentioned it). We're talking about our comics. Those stupid drawings that have evolved so much over the 70-something years we've been doing this.

As we're sure you all know, A Beer for the Shower started way back in Nineteen Dickety-Two, as anti-Hitler war propaganda.

But we didn't make any money from those. No, we got paid in war bonds, which we've found are surprisingly hard to hawk at flea markets.

Shortly after that, in 2010, we started our blog, and we did something particularly avant-garde; we painted, but with words. Only words, in fact. It was a weird time, but our 2 readers (us, coming back to see if anyone replied) seemed to enjoy it.

We didn't make any money off of this, either, because Google Adwords is a scam. Apologies to the 4 people reading this who somehow haven't had their accounts banned yet. We regret to tell you that that $4.87 will never actually be yours.

A couple of years into blogging later, we got back into art, with some very crappy MSPaint drawings. They were bad. I mean, really bad. I mean, I'm surprised we didn't get tested for mental disabilities and carted off in the short bus bad.

That also was at a time that we were still learning English, having come from the destitute third world country that is Latvia. So our humor, like our English, was still very much developing.

Looking back, we think about 90% of our jokes were potato or waiting-to-die related. Write what you know, right?

And for all of this, we still weren't making any money off of our drawings. And why would we? They were garbage.

But then just last year we graduated! We got an actual drawing tablet. Actual drawing software. We committed ourselves to drawing something that made complete sense.

Okay, so maybe you had to be there. But it made sense to us.

And now we're doing comics. Real life (only not real life) comics. With setups, and punchlines, and art that wasn't made by two potato-guzzling imbeciles.

So we figured it's time to turn pro. This is our way of announcing that as of today, our cartoons are being hosted over on the website, which features such other cool comics as Owl Turd, Sarah's Scribbles, and even our dear friend Captain Kirt, who posts elegantly high-brow humor that we aspire to one day reach.

It also means that we get a tiny, tiny share of the ad revenue over there for everyone who views our comics. And knowing how Internet ad revenue works, we just know that we're totally going to be rich off of free Internet money within hours of launching this!

(Yeah, right. But hey, it's something)

So here's what we need from YOU, dear reader.

...Uh, actually we were just going to say that we don't need anything from you.

That's right, nothing here is changing. We're still blogging as often as time will allow, and uploading bi-monthly comics. But we'll also be uploading those same comics to Tapas, in the hopes that we can make a name for ourselves in the comic world while earning dozens of dozens of free Internet pennies.

We're also going to be seeking out other big-name comic platforms and seeing if we can squeeze in there, too. If unbearably unfunny comic strips like Marmaduke can do it and make an entire career out of it, why can't we at least make a bit of extra beer money here and there?

So worry not, everything we're posting over there is content you've already seen. The only difference is that it's been improved. So for example, today's comic was originally posted on 8/22/2016, but it looks WAY better over on Tapas. Click this dumb baby to see for yourself, or just hit the link below him to check it out.

So if you like, come visit us over on Tapas. Check out the cool custom artwork I made for the banner. Sign up. Download the app. Like/comment. Tell some other random comics to suck it and stop trying to be us.

Or if you don't want to do any of that... well, don't. Everything here will still be updated like normal*, and you won't miss a thing.

*as normal as two idiots like us could ever be

In the meanwhile, we're slowly paving our way toward being underpaid comic strip artists, to go along with being underpaid authors. We definitely put the 'starving' in starving artists, but hey, if the choice is between this and being the living embodiment of the movie Office Space, then we'll choose this every time.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Music: Blackbird Blackbird
Beer: Oskar Blues Beerito

Their heads exploded from pure jealousy, in case you were wondering

Monday, May 15, 2017

#29 - My Car Can Beat Up Your Car

In case nobody gets that stupid, almost 20 year old reference...

Also, as a bonus...

See you in June!

Monday, May 1, 2017

Being a Girl On the Internet Is Hard When You're a 33 Year Old Man

I have to tell you guys, as a man that runs a pop star's social media accounts, I put up with a lot of stupid people. And creepy people. Except, people isn't quite the right word, because it's always dudes.


Many of them are complete idiots. And because of that, part of my job is to help guide these stupid, slobbering mouthbreathers, in the hopes that they'll somehow check out Pop Star's music. A real exercise in futility.

Take, for example, a recent instance in which she collaborated with this top influencer on Instagram (who we'll call Sex Idiot, because Instagram is not a smart place), and he's known best for dancing around shirtless. Like I said, Sex Idiot. Well, Sex Idiot uploaded a video of him dancing to Pop Star's newest song, Koinz, as a way to spread her music to all of his followers.

So, in case you were wondering, half of my job is now explaining to stupid people basic information that was in front of them the whole time.

And it really takes everything in my power not to reply to them, "Gee, why didn't someone add that much needed information to the description? Or add it to the lyrics of the song? Or add it to the post itself? It's like this girl doesn't even WANT to sell songs!" But I can't. I just have to cheerfully tell them the song name, and then assume that someone so stupid they can't even discern the name of a song that's all over a post will somehow go to a digital music store (without getting run over by a truck - yes, it's digital, but these are VERY stupid people) and buy that song.

Spoiler alert: it doesn't happen. But I have to at least try.

Sadly, though, that's not the worst of what I deal with. No, it's definitely the creepers.

If you made your way through that without cringing yourself into a seizure, congratulations. You're stronger than most, probably an Internet veteran, and it should crush your soul to learn that you've become completely desensitized to this kind of creepiness. Good job.

The amount of creepy messages that Pop Star gets could fill an album, and do keep in mind that Pop Star has made it her goal never to dress slutty as a cheap way to get Likes. And yet, for all of that, she can post fully clothed pictures of herself with completely innocent captions and STILL receive digital disgustingness from complete strangers, who for some reason think that the 33 year old man running her social media account would love a free dick pic as a 'thank you' for being attractive to them.

Seriously, she could upload a picture of her elbow and these creepers would still make it weird.

So now that I've been a woman on the Internet, I concede to you ladies out there - being a woman on the Internet is absolutely awful. I have no idea how you do it.

I mean, I couldn't imagine just posting to my Instagram account as a man and getting that kind of response from women.

Women on the Internet... how the hell do you put up with this bullshit?

Cheers and stay classy, friends
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Neon Indian
Beer: Dust Bowl Taco Truck Lager

Thursday, April 20, 2017

100% True Facts About Legalized Marijuana in Colorado That Are True

Today is 4/20, the toker's holiday, and since the devil's lettuce is legal here in Colorado, we thought we'd take some time today and explain to all of you the effects that this legalization has had on us native Coloradans. See, most people who don't live here can't even begin to imagine how much things have changed since we've legalized Lucifer's lavender, but Colorado is practically a cloudy, bloodshot dystopia full of zombie-like stoners just bumping into each other clumsily as they look to score their next hit.

100% true facts about marijuana legalization in Colorado

1) The air is now completely unbreathable.

You see this?

This totally isn't a picture of the pollution in China that we stole off of Google Images. No, this is a picture that one of us snapped of Denver just by stepping outside today. Ever since the rapper's romaine was legalized, the air quality in Colorado has been downgraded from Moderate to Cheech and Chong Afterparty.

The contact high is so severe that people who step outdoors for more than 1 hour at a time are 100% more likely to contract the giggles and 200% more likely to actually find an Adam Sandler movie amusing.

2) Crime has gone up 8,000,000%.

Your eyes do not deceive you (unless you're high, in which case they might - that dragon isn't really here. Just ignore him and keep reading the post. Eye on the prize, champ). Crime has truly gone up this much in Colorado. You see, research has shown that smoking just a single puff of jazz cabbage can result in a life of crime. Those D.A.R.E. programs we all were forced to take as kids? They weren't lying.

3) Tourists now outnumber people 10 to 1.

You see this?

This is absolutely not a picture of an overcrowded train in India that we pilfered from Google Images. No, this is a picture that we snapped at the Denver Light Rail station to show you just how many droves of people are coming to Colorado for the sole purpose of getting giggly on Buddha's baked begonias.

You see, people in other cities literally have zero access to Satan's shrub, which is why Colorado is now an overpopulated stoner mecca, and in only a matter of months this is what the city of Denver is likely to look like.

4) Overdose deaths have tripled.

Prior to the legalization of Beelzebub's broccoli, deaths as a direct result of choking on the dark prince's tube root were at zero. But then immediately following legalization, deaths doubled. This year alone, deaths have tripled... because 0 x 3 still = 0.

Dude, math is crazy when you're high.

5) Meth use has sky-rocketed.

As we all know, Hitler's hibiscus is the gateway to meth and black tar heroin. That's just a scientific fact. So we can't say anyone was surprised when meth use across the state began to run rampant. Meth labs now outnumber dispensaries, and the police refuse to do anything about it, because they're also on meth.

Hell, we don't even smoke the Antichrist's asparagus, and we're both on meth right now.


6) Cancer has actually been cured.

You might think the effect of legalization has all been negative, but there is one positive to all of this.

If you've ever listened to an old burnout hippie, the kind that has dreadlocks on the lower half of his bald head and lives out of a van that's older than we are, then you know that smoking the fornicator's flower can actually cure cancer. Well, this is 100% true.

Cancer rates are down to an all time low of zero, now that we've discovered how the THC in the devil's dandelion has been scientifically programmed to fight cancer cells. Take that, Big Pharma!

It's just crazy to think how much life has changed ever since we legalized Satan's spinach. Just remember: anyone who says that day-to-day life hasn't changed at all and that everything is pretty much the same as it was before legalization, if not better, is probably stoned out of their gourds on Krampus's collard greens and also definitely on meth.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Music: Skylar Spence
Beer: Odell Runoff Red IPA