Monday, May 23, 2016

#09 - Bored Housewives in YOUR Area

Today I celebrate my 5th wedding anniversary. It makes me happy, because I couldn't possibly love her more (even though each year I somehow do), but it also makes me feel old as hell. Where does all the time go?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go be groomed like a chimpanzee.
(Why the hell do you women love picking and popping zits so much?)


Monday, May 2, 2016

B&B's Magic Time Machine

If you're wondering why we didn't post 2 weeks ago (and you're probably not) it's not because we're lazy or uninspired or being held hostage in someone's murder basement. No, it's because we accidentally learned how to shred the space-time continuum and launch ourselves forward into the future, and all of this without a proper time machine.

We know what you're thinking. How can you two time travel? You're both idiots. Well, A) yes we may be idiots, but B) we have no follow up to that because we're idiots. You see, we can't describe it, but we both have the uncanny ability to propel time forward and leave behind entire weeks at a time.

So yes, that's the idiot's way of saying we've both been incredibly busy with things that aren't the blog or writing. Brandon, for example, spent the entire month of April selling his house while simultaneously trying to buy another, in a process that was about as simple and pain free and stress free as an emergency root canal. But on the bright side, he'll soon be moving into a better house.

Bryan, meanwhile, was sentenced to jury duty, and spent hours figuring out how best to get out of it, only to find out they didn't need him.

On top of that, we both have day jobs that keep us super busy. Brandon just inherited his family business, which is booming. And Bryan has the strangest, most interesting job that eventually he'll get to tell you about, but for now just gets to tease. He is the PR Manager for an up-and-coming pop star who wants to be the next Britney Spears. So, I'm sorry in advance, because if she does make it, that's totally my fault.

Some of my duties include:

~Managing and promoting her social media accounts
~Shaping her public image
~Writing the script for her upcoming reality show (apologies to the 4 people that thought reality shows are real for ruining that for you).
~Proof-reading and tweaking pretty much anything she writes/posts
~Crisis handling (i.e. one of her accounts got hacked and started liking a ton of porn)

And yes, her exact words are that she wants to be the new Britney Spears. That means, of course, that I'm working equally hard to make sure she doesn't become this Britney Spears.

Or this Britney Spears.

And all of that doesn't even include our writing.

Together (and outside of adult responsibilities), the two of us have been working on a few cool new things here and there, but we have not been writing nearly as much as we've wanted to. Part of that was waiting way too long for a response on our current novel, which we wanted to try getting published traditionally.

We'll spare you the details, but we had to fire our agent. In fact, because of it she's actually decided to no longer be an agent at all. We fired her that hard. If you've been following us for a while, you'll know this isn't the first agent we've fired. But we don't wish anything bad upon her, and we wish her well in whatever she does next with her life.

It's not all bad, though. That means we can get back to doing what we want to do, on our terms. It also means that Brandon put together this killer cover, and we're happy to announce that our next novel, Tuck Watley: Freedom Fighter Fighter will be released on May 16th so his hilariously awesome story can stop gathering dust in a drawer.

Tag line: a lowly government phone tapper must infringe the rights of everyone around him to protect us all... from ourselves.

So... that's what we've been up to. What the hell have you been up to?

Cheers and stay busy, friends,

Music: Two Door Cinema Club
Beer: Breck IPA


Friday, April 1, 2016

How to Obliterate That Stubbornly Annoying Belly Fat (#4 Gave Me Rectal Cancer)

You may not realize this about us, but we are both expert nutritionists. Each of us has 32 years of experience of eating food (that's 64 total years of experience), so believe us when we say that we know what we're doing.

So today we're going to share with you the 8 tips and tricks that we've mastered over the years to give us the flat, trim stomachs that are driving women everywhere* wild, and if you follow our advice then in no time you'll have ribs obtrusive enough to play like a xylophone.
*woman, singular

1. Don't eat red meat.

Scientists have recently discovered that eating red meat is terrible for your heart, because it's loaded with fat. They say it's the leading cause of obesity and hypertension in adults, so skip this if at all possible! Your waistline will thank you!

2. Move your abs.

You may not realize this, but your abs are the "core" of your body, which is why it's called your core (who knew, right?). Moving those abs and keeping them strong is vital to a slim stomach, but it can be hard to move them all the time. Trust us, we know. So don't be afraid to ask a friend to move them for you. Or a trusted neighbor. Or a very skilled dog. Just don't misplace them in the process.

Brandon personally prefers to have a machine jiggle his core into shape.

3. Eat red meat.

Scientists have recently discovered that eating red meat is fantastic for your heart, because it's loaded with good, healthy fats, which your body needs. They say it's a great way to fight obesity and hypertension in adults, so don't forget to eat your steaks! Your waistline will thank you!

4. Exercise all of your abs.

You might not know this, but you actually have six abs, which is why a six pack is called a "six pack" (who knew, right?). Most people make the mistake of only exercising 2 or 3 abs, when really you should be exercising ALL of your abs. To achieve this, we recommend the "Holding Plank" exercise. This, much like that awful planking trend, is when you lay down on the ground, arms behind you, legs behind you, and flex your core for as long as you can.

Bryan's been known to plank for as long as 8-10 hours straight.

5. Don't eat red meat.

Scientists have recently discovered that eating red meat is terrible for you, because it's loaded with carcinogens that can actually give you cancer. It may be tempting to have a nice big steak for dinner, but don't do it! Your body will thank you when it's NOT being ravaged by demonic cancer cells.

6. Be young.

Statistics show that people under 18 have a 150% faster metabolism than those who are over 21, and a whopping 200% faster metabolism than those over the age of 60. So take advantage of that and stop needlessly slowing your metabolism by getting older. Choose not to age. Your waistline will thank you!

7. Eat red meat.

Scientists have recently discovered that while eating processed red meats like hot dogs are terrible for you and can cause cancer, natural red meat is fantastic for you, because it's loaded with the protein your muscles need to stay strong, and the more amount of muscle you have, the higher your metabolism will be. So next time you're feeling hungry for a nice, big, juicy steak, don't deny your body the fuel that it needs. Your waistline will thank you!

8. Be Asian.

Studies have found that Asia has the lowest obesity rate in the world, with Vietnam having only a 0.50% obesity rate. That means that out of 100 people, only 1 is half obese! That's amazing!

So stop being a fat, lazy American, and become a thin, healthy Asian.

There you go, folks. It's not rocket surgery. Stick with these 8 tips, and you're GUARANTEED* to get the slim tummy you've always dreamed of.
*not guaranteed

Don't believe us? We both have before/after pictures to show you, and you know they're real because we drew them ourselves!

Just months ago Brandon was a fat, disgusting wildebeest that couldn't even lift himself out of bed. Today he's slim, trim, and ready to hit the gym.

And Bryan, well, he was in decent shape to begin with, but with this program he turned into the hulking behemoth that's been lurking deep within him for centuries.

Cheers and stay fit, friends,

Music: Skylar Spence
Beer: Upslope Thai IPA