Monday, September 15, 2014

Local Imbeciles Demand Exorbitant Wage Increase

It has recently come to our attention that, like the majority of fast-food employees who have begun to go on strike, we have been working for severely low wages here at A Beer for the Shower. Even though this blog brings in dozens of dollars a month*, we don't see any of it.

*approximately zero, give or take

So, like that pimple-faced french fry fryer slaving over your delicious heart attack sticks in the back of the McDonald's kitchen, we've petitioned to give ourselves a raise - $15 an hour. And to do that, we had to visit our boss, the CEO of A Beer for the Shower, Peggy Sue the Retarded Goat.

Peggy, as our wise and selfless CEO, reminded us that money didn't just magically appear out of nowhere. Our new salaries would have to come from someone. And since Peggy Sue had her own family to feed, it wouldn't be from her. After all, she needed to retain her million dollar salary and $2.5 million dollar quarterly bonus and Roth IRA retirement plan.

So for starters, we were going to have to eliminate our Internet access. And all forms of electricity.

And to help fund our salaries, we'd also have to start charging users to access "high quality" content on our site. AKA every single punchline, since we're just brimming with the utmost comedic quality around here... right?

(The answer, if you were wondering, is "ten tickles." That's how many tickles it takes to make an octopus laugh. Don't worry, the $15 surcharge will be delivered to you in the mail)

But alas, all of this still wouldn't be enough, because Peggy knew that readers would stop visiting the site. So we'd have to cut back even further.

From here, all cartoons would be outsourced to a third world country where English is not the first, second, or even third language. And all artwork would be pawned off to inbred goat farmers with severe learning disabilities who have absolutely no talent for art whatsoever.

Wow, look at that shitty artwork. Nice football head, Stewie Griffin. Where's Brandon's mouth? And what's with those stupid ass circle hands?

Ugh, okay, so on second thought, we couldn't put you guys through all of that. It's way too much quality sacrificed just so we could make $15 an hour. So in the end... we just said fuck it and decided to go work at McDonald's. After all, once that big minimum wage increase happens we'll finally be making the big bucks, which beats out our Plan B of shitting out some illegitimate children and going on welfare.

And let me tell you, flipping burgers is so much easier than writing and illustrating comedy.

We usually have something clever to add to the end of postings, but since we're now slinging burgers instead of blogging, I guess the only thing left to ask is... you want fries with that?

Cheers and stay motivated, friends,

Music: Jeremy Mage and The Magi
Beer: Titan IPA

Monday, September 8, 2014

Men: Packing with a Purpose

As men, we give our women plenty of shit for packing their entire lives away for a simple weekend getaway.

Naturally, there's only one answer to that question that doesn't end with a punch to the testicles. But see, while women may have a propensity for packing ungodly amounts of things for an evening at the local Holiday Inn, we men know the value of packing light. Just look at our camping trip last weekend.

We, as efficient travelers, only brought the bare essentials. And a quick check list before we left confirmed that.

Okay, okay, so we take a FEW things with us when we go camping. But we'd just rather be over-prepared than under-prepared, because you never know what might happen in the wild. And you ladies reading this, thinking "So how is that different from me packing ten suitcases full of high heels?" well, we'll tell you why it's not the same thing.

You see, we NEED these things. Because without them, well, camping sucks.

You know what camping without ice cold beer, freshly grilled burgers, warm blankets, and hot coffee in the morning is? It's a bunch of dudes sitting on rocks, staring at the ground, freezing their balls off, forced to (ugh) talk to each other. Sober.

So say what you will, ladies, but when a man packs to go camping, he's just taking what he needs. And the next time you pack for your own trip, well, you could learn a little something from us. Because we're all about efficiency.

Now if you'll excuse us, this camping trip of ours is almost up, and we need to post this blog entry via our wi-fi hotspot before our portable cappuccino maker is finished frothing and our electric pancake griddle finally heats up.

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

Beer: Lagunita's Little Sumpin' Sumpin' Ale
Music: The Pigeon Detectives

P.S. Those of you looking for our Sunflowers for Tina post, that entry follows this one.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Sunflowers For Tina

As the rebellious bloggers that we are, we don't usually do blog hop thingies, but we recently lost a good blogging friend of ours, Tina Downey, a friendly, funny, local blogger pal of ours who left behind her young family way too soon. In her memory, we wanted to join our other bloggers in Sunflowers For Tina, a blog hop in which you plant a sunflower (her favorite flower) in her honor and take a picture of it.

Well, our sunflowers haven't opened yet, and their posture looks reminiscent of our own after a heavy night of drinking, which doesn't make for a very flattering picture, so we had to look elsewhere. And as things would have it, almost everything sunflower-related is currently sold out at the store, a true testament to Tina's awesome popularity. So for today, we posed with the very last sunflower-related item we could find, and we hope this will suffice.

Tina loved our sense of humor, just as we loved hers, so we hope at least our self deprecating comics can make up for our lousy green thumbs.

Tina - you were an awesome friend, you left us the most amazing comments, and you had a killer taste in beer. This Fat Tire we're cracking at way too early in the morning is for you.


(Regularly scheduled Monday post to follow)

Monday, September 1, 2014

A Laborious Labor Day Posting

With today being Labor Day, and us being incredibly busy with new novels, our killer new agent, and planning a wedding, we wanted to phone-it-in take it easy this week for the holiday, just this once, because even bloggers get vacation days... right?

So since we don't get sick days, vacation days, maternity days, lunch breaks, or smoke breaks (good thing we don't smoke!) today's post is a roundabout way of saying that we'll not be posting today... so we can take a little one week break.

During this time, Brandon plans to learn more about football, so he won't sound like such a noob now that football season is starting up again.

And Bryan, ever the opportunist, plans to drink the blood of his foes as their now-orphaned children are forced to watch.

Between this, we'll probably have a dance party with our retarded goat, because what else screams "well-rested vacation" quite like "krumping with a mentally imbalanced goat that wears one orthopedic shoe"?

...So really, nothing terribly exciting will be happening. But we hope you have a good Labor Day if you celebrate it, and if you don't, celebrate it anyway. Take a nap at work.* Drink at your child's soccer game.* Neglect your own hygiene for a week.* Treat yourself to a little laziness.

*don't do any of this, please, if not for yourself then for those around you

So we'll see you here next week for an especially awesome post on why women suck at packing and how men are so much more efficient (er, lazy and half-assed) at it. Also, Bryan finally gets the DNA test results back that'll allow him to prove to Sha'Quisha once and for all that he is "not the father", and Brandon gets called in to identify a corpse... HIS OWN! - on an all new ABfts! Same Bat time, same Bat web address!

Last but not least, congratulations to Elizabeth Seckman, who won the axe from last week's book release of Lovely Death. To everyone who bought the novel and supported Brandon's latest release, thank you. You're the ones who help keep the dream alive.

Cheers and stay rested, friends,

Music: Eluvium
Beer: Blue Moon Caramel Apple Spiced Ale

Monday, August 25, 2014

Axe-Making: The Hobby of Madmen

Everyone needs a hobby, right? Some folks collect stamps for fun. Others stare at computer screens, yelling into microphones and jerking their joysticks fervently while they strive to gain experience points in the land of D'Afartnabag. Brandon, however, has taken up a much more peculiar hobby.

You see, Brandon has made a hobby out of refinishing old dilapidated axes. It's a pastime that's caused a little concern from his friends and family, especially after he's spent hours upon hours in his dark garage forging one like a medieval madman.

When he does emerge, it tends to startle his lady. Especially on days like today when he has such killer news.

Yes, that's right, not only is today the release of Brandon's new novel, Lovely Death, but he's also giving away the axe that he made exclusively for the story. It's a 2 and 3/4 lb. camping axe, with a white hickory handle he hand-finished blood red. He also made the leather mask like the leather-working badass that he is.

In fact, you probably remember seeing it right here on his new book cover:

It even appeared in the trailer, which you may also remember. But that's not the best part. Brandon is also giving away FREE signed paperbacks of the new novel to everyone who buys the $5.99 eBook on Amazon within the first week. All you have to do is go buy the eBook right now and drop Brandon an email at to let him know you bought it (along with your mailing address) and he'll ship you a personalized, signed copy. And if you decide to cornhole the honor system, just remember that an axe-wielding maniac now knows where you live! Also, sorry to be a killjoy, but continental US only, please.

So, where does the axe giveaway fit in? Well, it's easy. Once you've bought your eBook, you'll have until Sunday at 5p.m. Eastern Time to leave a review on Amazon (and once again let Brandon know you've done it). After that, your name gets dropped into a hat, and next Monday we'll announce who won the axe, handmade by the author. It doesn't have to be a lengthy or intricate review. Mostly, Brandon just needs to get as many starred ratings as possible to boost his sales rank right out the gate. And he needs your help to do it! Plus, you can win this sweet ass axe, which actually appears in the story.

So go buy the book! On top of all the giveaway hullabaloo, it's actually a hell of a fun horror story. Here's the synopsis:

"He never intended for it, but the rising star director of a new Hollywood slasher film has found himself at the center of his own personal horror story: having gunned down his stalker, Laura Scranton. Her death may have been justified, but for Nick, Laura’s death was only the opening act. Ever since her killing, he’s been losing sleep to increasingly terrifying dreams, has even begun seeing things in the waking world that aren’t really there. It appears that even in death Laura refuses to release her icy grip on his sanity. And if Nick can’t figure out a way to rid himself of her haunting visage soon it will cost him more than just his life. Because in exchange for their eternal bliss together Laura has promised a voodoo priest Nick’s very soul. And the time for collection is at hand."

Time for a change of underwear, right? What are you waiting for? Head on over and get your copy here-------> Lovely Death, by Brandon Meyers. As always, thank you for your support and for coming back every week to follow our misadventures with humanity. We couldn't do what we do without you.

Cheers and stay classy, folks!


Beer: Colorojo
Music: Excitable Boy, by Warren Zevon
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