Monday, December 15, 2014

All Hail the Radio Dick Jockey

Some people say that radio is dead. Those people are assholes. The radio is alive and well, and pumping out the future classics as successfully as it ever has, every hour on the hour. When it comes to the whole topic of live radio vs streaming, these young kids seem to think streaming is the future. So today, we want to outline why radio will always reign supreme.

A few of our older fans may remember that back in 2012 we did a radio interview with a fairly popular Internet radio station whose name has been changed in order to protect the innocent cover our asses. They had us on as their guests for the hour, and so we saw firsthand how radio dominates streaming.

Where does radio conquer streaming? Only everywhere. But if you want specifics, we'll give you a list. Starting with...

#1. Commercials - How Else Would I Know McDonald's Has A Value Meal?

Let's face it, too much uninterrupted music gets pretty boring. It's nice to mix it up a bit with long-winded ads for mattress factories and mortgage brokers. Now, streaming may have commercials, but when it comes to unapologetic advertising, radio has streaming beat hands down. In radio, there's a bare minimum of 10 minutes of second-rate McDonald's ads and miracle weight loss pills to every 3 minutes of music. Streaming just can't top that.

#2. DJs - Those Golden Voiced Angels

It's like streaming isn't even trying with this one. They don't even HAVE DJs. And who doesn't want to spend their morning commute listening to the razor sharp wit of "Jimmy and the Doosh-Nozzle," dishing out more lame Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber news than you can handle between enough "zany" sound effects to make Benny Hill roll over in his grave?

And it IS news they're reporting on, people. These guys are practically journalists.

#3. Let's Play This Song Until You Hate It

In streaming, songs are played completely at random, usually tailored to your own liking. But the radio says 'fuck variety!' If the masses say they love a song, then dammit, the radio is going to play that song every hour on the hour until even just the thought of that song's title entering your brain makes you want to rip your own ears off. Hell, turn on the radio right now and I bet you can STILL heard Lorde warbling through the hit song every person on this planet has heard at least 7,000 times, "Royals."

#4. Personal Testimonials - This Product Works For Me Because They Paid Me To Say It Did

We've already touched on commercials and on DJs, but to show you just how great radio is, they've actually combined the two into one amazing feature: the DJ testimonial! Sure, you could hear a quick 30 second ad for a car dealership, but that's weak. Instead, you get the pleasure of hearing a 3 minute testimonial on how your favorite radio DJ went to Glen Tompkin's Kia and Hyundai just off the interstate and was treated like a king, and now he's rolling in the sexiest Kia Accent that $12,000 can buy. That equates to advertising (and radio) gold!

Yes, that's right folks, back in 2012 we were the special hour long guests on a live radio show and by the time they finally got to us that interview was the best 46 seconds we ever had. We answered one question, told one quick anecdote, and plugged one of our books so fast we could probably be voiceover artists for the side effects of prescription medicine.

Let's see music streaming top THAT kind of listening experience.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan

Beer: Deschutes Twilight Ale
Music: Music? We don't have time for music. We're too busy listening to the radio.

Monday, December 8, 2014

For Just $30 (One Dollar A Day) You Too Can Help Save A Struggling Airline

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, Bryan got the privilege of flying to visit family, in which he got to endure the joy that is the airport, where the magical TSA elves help keep us safe with a little cheerful holiday magic.

Okay, so we all know that the airport is an awful, miserable place. But it's all worth it just to hop on that plane and take off on a whimsical journey through the sky...right?

Oh, wait, flying is also pretty miserable. But it's not the airlines' fault. No, you see, those poor, starving mom n pop companies have been hit hard by the economy just like everyone else, and now, the only way that these struggling businesses can even afford to chariot us across the map is by charging we the consumer just a tad bit more for our upscale amenities.

And these poor, endangered airlines are even trying to be creative with their nominal, highly reasonable fees. They've now turned seating into a bit of a game by playing Seat Bingo with their passengers. Sure, you could sit wherever you want, preferably next to your loved ones, but that's boring. So instead, the airline places you wherever the hell they feel like it, and for a very minimal fee of $8 per person you can sit next to your traveling companion(s). Does the fun ever stop?

But still, somehow, even with all of these highly practical, microscopic fees, these airlines continue to suffer. So today we wanted to offer them some tips on ways they could further raise money that would allow these broke, noble businesses their basic human right to remain open so that the highly endangered animal that is the airline never goes extinct.

To do so, we suggest enlisting the help of the very people who have been getting "passengers" to their destination on the cheap for decades: the Mexican coyotajes, aka the Mexican coyotes, those brave souls willing to smuggle people illegally across the border while simultaneously taking from them every possession they've ever had.

So how do we achieve that? With these three simple guidelines.

1) Cut Down Severely On Actual Flying

Want to save some huge coin, airlines? Passengers should no longer be allowed to fly straight through. And no, we're not talking connecting flights. Do you realize how much it costs to actually fly a plane? Hire a pilot? Stock it with food, beverages, and safety equipment? A ton, we're sure! Therefore, we propose that the first 100 miles of your trip be an fun and guided walk toward the next airport one state over.

2) Destination Charges

Taking another cue from Mexican-smuggling coyotes, airlines ought to start charging destination fees. And by that, we mean charging an extra fee just to get to your actual destination.

Hey, don't be such a square. "Ransom" is such an ugly, lawyer-y word. Think of it as an outside-the-box business model. With occasional torture. And if you don't or can't pay up, then who knows where you'll end up? Every vacation truly ends in a surprise!

3) Drug Muling

The final (and most lucrative) money maker that airlines need to capitalize on is offering flyer rebate incentives for any passenger willing to take a balloon full of heroin up the pooper and transport it across state and/or international lines.

The airlines are hurting folks, but you know what's not hurting? International drug trading. Those guys are making bazillions.

Now, we know some of these may seem a little extreme, but really, is having drugs up your butt while you backpack through the desert with your family taken hostage really any worse than the way airlines treat you now?

Cheers and stay classy folks,

Beer: Hamm's (it's all we can afford after the airlines the coyotajes robbed us blind)
Music: Flight Facilities

Monday, December 1, 2014

Would You Care For Some Coffee in That...Coffee?

We'd like to think of ourselves as coffee connoisseurs, mostly in that we as writers practically survive on coffee, and after cumulatively drinking enough to put down an elephant, we've come to appreciate a nice blend of coffee that doesn't taste like it was scraped off the floor of a 7-Eleven bathroom.

And so, as coffee connoisseurs, we both wanted to learn how to make the best cup of coffee possible. To do that, we went out and got jobs as Starbucks baristas.*

*in order for this gag to work

We learned almost immediately that we've been making coffee wrong all these years. We, as novices, simply put a few scoops of coffee grounds into a coffee machine and let that roast for a few minutes. But as a barista, that's merely the beginning, and at Starbucks, the true magic begins after the coffee is brewed.

Apparently our basic, novice-level coffee is not the kind of coffee people want when they go to Starbucks.

According to our teenage manager, real coffee needs three basic components: whipped cream, syrup, and chocolate. Without that, it's just, and we quote, "Like, something your dad would drink before going to a job where he wants to kill himself."

Now, we tried an actual Starbucks coffee drink, and to our surprise it wasn't nearly as delicious as advertised. It was like drinking a Hershey's bar - disgustingly sweet - and didn't taste a thing like coffee. Also, Brandon got diabetes. And Bryan gained 27 lbs. I guess that's what happens when your so-called coffee is 1,000 calories of pure, liquid sugar.

So it seems there are three kinds of people in this world... those who like coffee, those who don't, and those who live in denial by drinking milk-flavored sugar-water. Not that there's anything wrong with drinking the latter, as we've both been known to enjoy a sugary drink from time to time. But if you need a dumptruck full of sugar just to disguise the coffee taste of your coffee, then you don't actually like coffee. You just like drinking milkshakes.

Any milk-flavored sugar-water drinkers in the house?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Music: The Kooks
Beer: Dry Dock Amber Ale

Monday, November 24, 2014

Apple vs Android, the Ultimate Showdown Super Battle

Once upon a time, phones were just phones. They had cords and attached to the wall, and if you walked too far away from it you ended up turning yourself into a human slingshot. It was just a method of communication, and what kind you had didn't matter because they all did the same thing - they allowed you to prank call your friends anonymously so you could ask them if their refrigerator was running. ("It is? Then why aren't you trying to catch it?" /hang up)

The idea of making fun of someone because they had a certain brand of telephone would have seemed ridiculous.

Now we live in an age of cellphones, which are much more than telephones. They're mini computers in their own right. They e-mail. They surf the web. They take pictures and video. And they each carry very distinctive brand names. Brand names that matter.

See, nowadays you don't just own a smartphone. You own an Apple. Or you own a Samsung. (Or, frankly, you don't matter.) And if you own an Apple, it's important that you make fun of Samsung users for all being peon poser nerds, just as if you own a Samsung it's critical that you make fun of Apple users for all being hipster sheeple buying into a fad. There is no middle ground. You are either an Apple, or you're a Samsung (Android).

But as with everything in life, including The Super Bowl, marriage, and your children, there can only be one winner for the title of "overall best." And since Brandon has an Apple iPhone and Bryan has a Samsung Galaxy, we figured it was only fair that we squabble like little children over which one was better.

And so, as the only logical solution available, we pitted our phones against each another like animals and had them fight to the bitter death.

The battle was indescribably hard to watch. We'll spare you the details, but we will show you the aftermath.

Warning: anyone with a sensitive stomach is urged to leave the room. The following picture is extremely graphic.

If you wish to see the aftermath, please scroll down, but just know you've been warned.


...Wait, what do you mean you can't tell what's going on? Don't you see it? Okay, maybe it'll help if we illustrate.

Yes, that's right. In the end, once we unleashed them, the actual products didn't even hate each other. In fact, it seems they're quite fond of one another.

So perhaps there's a lesson to be learned here. Perhaps it's that we should just use whatever phone we want to use and quit bitching about the phone that someone else is using simply because it's a different brand. Or... maybe it's that instead of fighting with each other we should unite to combat the real enemy... the Windows Phone.

No, we're just kidding. Nobody uses Windows Phone.

Which side are you on? Apple or Android?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Beer: Ballast Point Calico Amber Ale
Music: Two Door Cinema Club
Also, Brandon's latest solo novel "Lovely Death" is available all week for free e-book download. If you haven't done it yet, get your copy here------> Lovely Death Download at Amazon
Here's an awesome review of the book by Andrew Leon over at StrangePegs. Thanks Andrew!

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