Thursday, June 16, 2016

OMG UR teh Wurst Prezdnt Evar

Election season is upon us, which means that voter fraud is in the air, nauseating amounts of attack ads are filling the airwaves, and most of us are busy Googling things like, "What do I need to become a Canadian citizen?" It also means that the mud slinging has begun, resulting in something that looks a lot like this.

Yes, the Donald is flipping the famous double bird with his unnaturally tiny hands as a way of insulting the corpse in the pantsuit.

But for the first time ever, a lot of this middle fingering has become digital. Some of you may have already seen these, but recently Hillary Clinton tweeted this.

And Donald Trump in reply tweeted this.

First off, as much as we both can't stand Trump, he does seem to get the zinger in this exchange. But second, and more importantly, did you ever think that we'd live in an age where presidential candidates - one of whom might very well be the next president of the United States - would be talking shit to each other on Twitter?

It's such an amazingly low achievement of technology. I mean, imagine if this kind of digital outlet for smack talk was available when the good ol' US of A was first forming its roots.

(History lesson: Most people don't know that in addition to being Andrew Jackson's VP and serving as the eighth president of the United States, Martin Van Buren was also the original Wolverine).

But with Hillary and "the Donald", there's something you must understand. This is only the beginning. It surely can only get worse from here. And we're not just talking about how bad it'll be in 5 months when both are desperately clambering for voters. No, we're talking about in 20-30 years when teenagers growing up now and practically living on Twitter will be eligible to run for president.

(Future history lesson: a paternity test would later reveal that "PussyDestroyer" WAS in fact the father, because DNA evidence later supported his claim that he was "black but only frum teh waist dwn".)

So... that's pretty much what we have to look forward to in coming years.

At this point we'd normally give you some kind of conclusion. A summation maybe, or a final thought, or something we've learned. But the whole thing is so mind numbing and depressing that we ultimately just have one question: Anyone in Canada looking for some roommates?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Music: Paul Simon
Beer: Blue Moon Pils

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

#10 - Cheesy 80's Ending Nod

(New post coming tomorrow instead of today. Got too backed up with book stuff which is awesome because hey books)

P.S., to those who bought our awesome new book last week, you helped us get to #8 on the Amazon best seller list for Humor/Satire, so thank you, truly. Sitting up there with Vonnegut and surpassing Catch-22 is a damn fine honor for both of us. And to those who asked, paperback is now officially available (click this).

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Tuck Watley: Freedom Fighter Fighter AKA an Adventure in Publishing

The day is finally upon us! After over a year of sitting on this gem, we finally get to release our masterpiece, Tuck Watley: Freedom Fighter Fighter. And what an adventure it's been to get here.

See, when we started the project, we decided to go completely traditional with it. No more Indie publishing. No more holding grudges against our old agent for being useless. So we got ourselves another agent, who seemed excited about us and our writing, who had an amazing reputation. We left our baby in her hands, and... well, this comic might explain the process best.

This situation had two things in common with our very first agent - first, the agent did nothing but sit on their ass, and second, we fired said ass.

The industry itself wasn't any better. Our agent, in the span of six months, did manage to submit to two big publishers. We got two rejections. However, those rejections were so backhandedly complimentary, that we actually are using them as blurbs for the back of the book. We want to share each with you, as printed on the back cover.

First one.

If you're wondering what that means, it means that the industry is unwilling to take a chance on unique books. They'd much rather sell another Hunger Games clone (of which there's currently 9,000 in circulation) or another generic romance novel, which are both guaranteed to lazily gather sales, than take a chance on something new and creative that might or might not sell.

If that didn't sum it up well enough, check out our second blurb, uh we mean rejection.

Clearly we weren't thinking of the book clubs when we wrote this novel.

So if you want to read the novel that two Big Six publishing houses called "stellar" and "totally awesome", that one publisher actually raved about, that's so unique and hilarious that it won't appeal to Oprah's book club, we urge you to check out this novel. We personally think it's the best book we've ever written. And right now, for our blog friends, we're only charging $2.99 as a special, so act now before it gets re-listed at the normal price of $5.99.

Synopsis (and our cool new author pic, as seen on the back of the book):

So if you love what we do here and you enjoy our writing, please consider not just picking one up, but leaving us a review* on Amazon. Both of those things help us keep this blog running ad free, plus it's kind of our chosen career path.

*It truly can just be "This book was good." Four words. "Very good" if you feel like being generous and throwing in an extra.

Currently it's only available as an Ebook, but paperback format should be good to go in only a matter of days. As added incentive to any of our blog friends reading this now, if you buy a $2.99 Kindle version, and promise to leave us a review (honor system, bitches!), we'll send you an autographed paperback copy, free of charge (U.S. only, please. We love our friends in Australia, but we also don't have $50+ to mail you a book).

All you have to do is buy the Kindle version, forward us the receipt (, and then give us your address, and we'll mail you a chicken-scratched signed copy!

Click this sweet-as-hell cover to learn more and to buy the first book in a very hilariously badass series.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan

Beer: Diet Miller Lite Zero
Music: Van Hoolen's Canada
(Note: these items are both hilarious if you've read the book)

Monday, May 23, 2016

#09 - Bored Housewives in YOUR Area

Today I celebrate my 5th wedding anniversary. It makes me happy, because I couldn't possibly love her more (even though each year I somehow do), but it also makes me feel old as hell. Where does all the time go?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go be groomed like a chimpanzee.
(Why the hell do you women love picking and popping zits so much?)


Monday, May 16, 2016

The Idiot's Guide to Spring Cleaning

We are now well into spring, and you know what that means. Crippling allergies, hordes of aggressive insects, and white people thinking flip flops are acceptable footwear? Absolutely! But also, that means it's time for Spring Cleaning™, aka the one day a year that people clean house from top to bottom because apparently they don't clean their houses any other time of year. And don't let our slovenly appearances fool you; we are masters of cleanliness.

So today we're going to take you through how you too can scrub the filth, toss out the junk, and rid yourself of useless clutter. Except, we're not talking about your physical home. We're talking about your digital home. So let's learn how to clean house and get your social media looking sparkly-new!

1) Rid your home of all toxins.

With election season upon us, toxins are everywhere, so be sure to toss out anything and everything that's toxic in nature. Namely, toss out the people that love to post angry, ignorant political rants.

And in case you're wondering, we're not talking about Republican toxins specifically. The Democrat toxins are just as dangerous. So if things like "libtard" and "conservatard" and "Dumbocrat" and "Republic*nt" are of frequent use in your digital lingo, then chances are good that you yourself are a toxin just waiting to be stomped out (digitally, of course).

2) Scrub your junk.

No, we're not talking about your fiddly bits, we're talking about the junk that's probably been cluttering your digital house for way too long. People posting news that's clearly fake, scientific studies rooted in pure bullshit, and chain letters about Facebook soon charging users unless you copy and paste some stupid status are all junk that you should definitely rid your life of.

3) Cleanse your house of viruses.

Viruses spread quickly, especially if they're in chain letter form, meaning that one of the best ways to keep from getting violently ill is to cleanse all of the viruses before they can spread and become full blown cancer. And by cancer, of course, we mean the people that post that guilt-tripping, religious pass-it-on bullshit.

4) Disinfect the dirty laundry.

Your Facebook is most likely covered in filthy, disgusting heaps of dirty laundry, often coming from that trashy man or woman who's barely an acquaintance but whom you now know every detail of their lives because they share all of it publicly. All of it. Specifically, the negative, and even more specifically, the negative about their husband/wife. You may think that you can wash dirty laundry, but you can't. You should just simply disinfect by tossing out the person directly attached to it.

So in case you haven't caught on, we're talking about cleaning up your Facebook friends list. Getting rid of the people that post horrible, stupid things is a great habit that you should get into at least once a year. We just did ours, and we've never felt less disappointed by humanity!

Because hey, even though we've only got 17 friends between the 2 of us now, at least our Facebook feeds aren't cluttered with IQ-point-shattering dumbfuckery.

Any other good social media cleaning tips?

Cheers and stay clean, friends,

Music: Roosevelt
Beer: Breckenridge Avalanche Ale

(P.S. For the 4 people wondering about our upcoming novel, Tuck Watley: Freedom Fighter Fighter, there's been a delay in the print version beyond our control, and so we'll be releasing him into the wild in June. Stay tuned!)