Monday, November 17, 2014

Local Idiots Buried In Snow/New About Us

Hey, folks. As much as we'd love to bring you a new post today, our lead cartoonist's Internet is experiencing major hiccups and won't allow him to post any pictures from his computer. Or do much of anything, which means no Facebook, no trollish Internet arguments, no Brazilian fart porn, and no hilarious cat videos. It's pure hell.

The lone picture of said cartoonist is posted below from his smartphone, and it'll have to do until next week.

We're not sure which to blame: Bryan having Comcast (aka Comcrap - thanks to Joy for teaching us that one), the never ending snow, the -10 degree weather, or all three. We'll blame all three. So excuse us this week for being buried alive, both figuratively and literally. We promise next week we'll be back with something awesome.

Till next time, we did manage to finally combat 10 months of laziness and update our About Us, so if you want to see our totally new, hilariously awesome About Us page, either go up to the top and select About Us from our menu bar, then click Who We Are... or just click the link below like the lazy bastard you are. Which is exactly what we would do if we were you, so no judgment.

About the Idiots in Charge of this Website

Cheers and stay connected, friends,

Music: No Limits
Beer: A truly ice cold Deschutes Twilight Ale
Posted on by A Beer For The Shower | 89 comments

Monday, November 10, 2014

Dear Girl Sitting Next To Me At The DMV, Please Don't Run For President

Hey guys. Bryan here. Yesterday was my 31st birthday, and to commemorate this completely non-momentous occasion... I took a trip to the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) to get my license renewed. I know, the excitement never stops once you reach your 30s.

And boy, what a time it was. I had so much fun, I decided to spend 5 and a half hours of my day there. No, that's not an exaggeration. Now, I like how we as a people have just kinda come to accept that the DMV is like this. We all have to wait for hours upon hours, just to get a chance to talk to someone who's completely rude and condescending while they complete a very simple, 5 minute procedure. And we've all just kinda accepted that this is okay. This is how the DMV functions.

So needless to say, I had a lot of time to kill while I was tolerating this suffering, and some of that time was spent listening to the conversations around me. One of them, in particular, stood out to me especially. And so today's post is not about my birthday or about the DMV, but it's an open letter to the girl who sat next to me at the DMV, who thinks she should be our next president.

Dear Candi (with an I),

Of all the conversations near me, yours caught my ears the most, not because it was pleasant or because your voice was like beautiful music, but because your words were so mind numbingly stupid that I wished I could have just ripped your ovaries straight out of your body and burned them in a trash can before you could ever hope to procreate.

I know that we all come from different worlds and all have different opinions on things, but your opinions were so amazingly brainless that I couldn't help but laugh beneath my breath when you said you "tooootally" would have run for president one day (if it weren't for all of those pesky jail sentences) because you would be the one to turn this country around.

I loved your insight into "smoker's rights," and how non-smokers like myself, who don't want black clouds of cancer spit into his face on a daily basis, are pushing my agenda upon you and crushing your personal, $5 a pack freedoms.

It was great hearing that you would stand up and fight for your fellow smokers, because with all of this talk about Ebola, it seems like everyone's forgotten lung cancer. That one needs to forge a comeback!

I also thoroughly enjoyed hearing your stance on parking tickets, which, as president, you would promptly eliminate, because they are "stupid" and "confusing."

You didn't pay to park, and you got a parking ticket? That's insane! Next thing you'll tell me, you didn't pay to register your car and got pulled over for not having license plates! What is this world coming to?

So, my dear Candi (with an I), I just want to let you know that if you struggle with basic legal concepts like "subjecting innocent people to cancer" and "paying to park," then running an entire country's governmental system might be beyond your current skill set.

So I'd stick with that call center job you have at Comcast and kill any dreams you've ever had of being president, because it's just not happening. And to those reading this now, should "Candi for President: 2032" ever somehow possibly become a thing... don't vote Candi. Just don't. It's for your best interest, I promise.

What's the dumbest thing you've ever overheard someone say?

Cheers and stay, like, classy, you guys, OMG,
~Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: The Wombats
Beer: Breckenridge Avalanche

Monday, November 3, 2014

50% of the Time It Fails Every Time

The two of us were reading a newspaper the other day, which is amazing, because we thought newspapers were dead. Also, it's almost impossible for us to share something without squabbling over it and physically destroying it, which is why that one poor girl in fifth grade got King Solomon'd so hard and her two mangled halves still won't talk to us. But regardless, we read something in a newspaper recently that alarmed us.

That's right. Statistics say that fifty percent of all modern marriages have been shown to end in divorce. And since we all know that statistics are unquestionably true scientific fact, this comes as troubling news to the two married men who run this blog... us. Because, as the fates have dictated, one of our marriages is doomed, so we wanted to find out which of us it was going to be.

And it wasn't easy, because both of us are happy as clams and healthy as horses.

On the exterior, we both have seemingly happy marriages. We needed to dig deeper. So, being the amateur scientists that we are, we decided to get to the bottom of this with thorough scientific research. Sure, we could have talked to our wives, but that's not science or statistics. So instead, we treated them like lab rats and monitored their behaviors toward us.

But the research just wasn't conclusive. Nothing pointed to either of us getting divorces. So Brandon, always a man of action, decided it was time to take out his trusty shotgun and shoot Bryan in the face. Why? Well, if Bryan is dead, then Brandon's just one married person. And 1 out of every 1 person getting divorced? That's not a likely statistic! Brandon would inevitably be divorce free. But before he could blast Bryan in the face and save his marriage, his co-author found something startling.

Yes, that's right, as 30 year old guys with wives in their mid 20s, this meant that whomever of us gets a divorce, it would clearly be the woman's fault. So we stopped worrying about it so much, knowing that if our marriages ever went into the proverbial crapper, that statistically it wouldn't be our doing. No, our wives would be to blame.

And that's not sexist. That's just plain science, folks. Statistics don't lie.

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

Beer: Ballast Point Pale Ale
Music: Jack Kovacs

P.S. the winners of last week's Two Sentence Horror Story Challenge were as follows:

"The anesthesia started setting in before the oral surgery. As the blackness seeped in, I heard the dentist's zipper." - Pickleope

"Someone, please help!!" she screamed. "There's been so many re-runs of The Big Bang Theory!!!" - Michael D'Agostino

"I painted my face black for Halloween. I was immediately shot by a police officer." - Workingdan

If racist police brutality, an onslaught of America's dumbest "smart" show, and getting violated by your dentist doesn't horrify you, then we don't know what will. Thanks to everyone who participated!

Now then, feel free to squabble amongst yourselves in the comment section about which of you is going to get divorced. With 100+ comments a week, that's at least 30-40 people who are destined for marital failure.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Terrifying Two Sentence Horror Stories For Halloween

A while back on Reddit, some folks started a thread featuring two sentence horror stories. In other words, complete scary stories told in two sentences or less. That thread contained such gems as:

I always thought my cat had a staring problem - she always seemed fixated on my face. Until one day, when I realized that she was always looking just behind me. Hangukbrian

I was having a pleasant dream when what sounded like hammering woke me. After that, I could barely hear the muffled sound of dirt covering the coffin over my own screams. Vigridarena

I can't move, breathe, speak or hear and it's so dark all the time. If I knew it would be this lonely, I would have been cremated instead. Graboid27

Sure, those are mildly unsettling, but as true masters of horror, we figured we'd take our own stab at it. Get it? Stab? Ah yes, that's right, we're only warming up the Halloween scares. Let the true horror begin.

As soon as I turned on my television, the remote control stopped working. The volume was at the maximum level, and Glee was on every channel.

Yes, that's right, that's a jab at American Horror Story officially jumping the shark by having a musical number every goddamn episode and effectively turning itself from "unique, creepy horror series" into "Glee with circus freaks." What's scarier than ghosts, a mental institution, and witches? Turning a horror show into a high school musical.

But alas, this post is about true terror, not West Side Horror Story. Let's explore some more terrifying two sentence stories, shall we?

I went to Youtube and searched "funny cat videos." What returned was a page that said "no results found."

A world where no hilarious cat videos exist? What madness is this?

I'm locked in a room with Bill O'Reilly, Sarah Palin, Bill Maher, Glenn Beck, Al Sharpton, and Sean Hannity. Someone just asked them to discuss their opinions on the president.


I passed quietly in my sleep, surrounded by loved ones, having lived a happy, peaceful life. But when I was reincarnated, I was reborn as Honey Boo Boo's mother's hemorrhoid donut.

If the promise of being smothered by "Mama June's" farts for a lifetime is not enough to scare you into living a good life, then we don't know what is. But oh wait, it gets scarier.

I awoke to the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen administering mouth-to-mouth CPR on me. Before I could thank her for saving my life, she told me she'd just tested positive for Ebola.

OoooOOooooOOOOOooo! Are you scared? We put the fear in fearmongering!

We even wrote a two sentence horror story just for the ladies.

I woke up in bed wearing his fedora, feeling more in love than I ever had in my life. As I ran my hand over his blubbery, hair-carpeted stomach and luscious neckbeard, he grunted, "Good morn, milady."

Oh wait, I guess that would be an equally terrifying story for a man. Maybe even more so. Lastly, we wrote our own personal two sentence horror story, one that was so horrifying it made one of us vomit and the other weep uncontrollably. Those who are squeamish, pregnant, or nursing may want to step into the other room.

After a hard day of blogging, we opened the fridge to grab an ice cold beer. The only beer inside was gluten free.

If you've never had a gluten free beer, it's like Satan pissed in a bottle, drank it, vomited it back into the bottle, and then mixed in Justin Bieber's saliva. Yes, it's that bad.

Now, if that's still not scary enough for you, we've decided to run a special promotion for our horror novelette collection, The Graveyard Shift. All this week the price will be reduced from $5.99 to $1.99 in honor of Halloween. So if you haven't checked it out yet, you should. This is not your typical, run of the mill, slash and gore horror. As one of our personal favorites, this book is an awesome collection of psychological thrillers with dark twists and sickening turns for a price that's hard to beat. And don't take our word for it; this is verified by a slew of amazing reviews from people that are not our mothers.

So click on that stunning cover or the link below and grab it while you can.

The Graveyard Shift - now $1.99!

And until next time, help us out. Give us your best two sentence horror story (funny, scary, or both) in the comments. The best three, as voted by us, will be featured here on the blog next week!

Cheers and stay scary, friends,

Beer: Omission Gluten Free Beer (they omitted the gluten AND the flavor!)
Music: Taylor Swift (or as we like to affectionately call her, T. Swizzle)

^^^ the scares continue even after the post is finished! OOOOOoooooOOOOOoooo...
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