Wednesday, March 22, 2017

#27 - Hahahaha OMG I'm Dying LOLOLOL

I mean, yeah, you're probably bleeding out a little in your dungeon basement prison, but let's not act like you're literally dying, you big exaggerator.

So hey, don't be afraid to be honest. As amateur webcomic artists who also double as Internet users, we totally understand. When someone says, "I sniffled under my breath in laughter at this comic," we take that as a huge compliment, because that really means something!

And so there's no need to tell us that you sprayed your monitor and your keyboard and your next door neighbor with vomitous, coffee-splattered, open-mouthed donkey braying, because that doesn't sound like a compliment. That sounds horrifying.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

#26 - Always Consult Your Doctor

Hey, with health insurance costing as much as $1,000 per month for a plan with a $10,000 deductible, sometimes you just have to go to someone like "Doctor" Madam Zelda instead. For only $9.99 we learned the sex of the baby, and according to her in-office tarot reading we also learned that Brandon Jr. (name pending) "will have an encounter with a mysterious stranger that will result in life altering events." I mean, how neat is that?

So you heard the Magic 8-Ball! It's a boy! And the Magic 8-Ball never lies (except when it does).

Now you should probably congratulate Brandon. Which is weird, because when you say, "Congratulations!" on it being a boy, that's kind of like saying "Ugh, thank GOD it's not a girl."

And that's downright sexist and intolerant of you. So now that I've painted you into a corner, good luck on coming up with something to comment below.

Note: While we're both incredibly busy with real life, we hope you don't mind this blog being more lazy web-comic based until we can free up more time. And if you do mind... one of us is having a baby and the other is creating the next American pop star, so cut us some slack, yeah?

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

#24 - The Hipster OG

Sorry for the lack of a full post today, folks. I'm busy planning a birthday for someone who's preparing to turn 94 years young. Most of that preparation is just finding things that won't kill her (20 people jumping out and yelling 'SURPRISE!', or having a stripper pop out of a cake, etc.), but it's still keeping me too busy to spare more than a quick toon. See you next time!

No, I'm not 7 feet tall, but I'll be damned if Grandma doesn't make me look it by standing beside her

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

#23 - Always Follow Your Dreams*

In loving memory of our dear friend Jacqueline Mitchell, who followed her dreams right up until the very end, and whose dreams were most definitely not stupid.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Dr. Dick Fingers, MD

Hey guys, Bryan here. And today I need your help in figuring out something of great importance. I need to know if my wife's new coworker is actually a prostitute.

See, the wife just got a cool new job at a hair salon, and the girls she works with are great, if not a little eccentric. One of them, who we'll call Sunshine, is a hippy that legally changed her name to Sunshine because she thought it suited her aura better. In addition to styling hair, she also moonlights as a so-called sex therapist. I say so-called because, much like a life coach, she has no actual training or accreditation. She simply sees people to help them, as she tells it, "express their sexuality better."

She also makes it no secret that when she sees a man, she ends the "session" by "helping him express his sexuality" ...all over her. You know, something like this.

She deals mostly with handy-j's, sometimes including an optional "prostate massage", which she provides as a "service" for the men who've paid her. And many of them, having been "happy customers", return to her frequently for more of these "happy endings."

So... that kind of makes her a sort of prostitute... right...?

And please note that these are her words, not mine. She's more than happy to explain this to everyone she works with, including that her sex therapy "classes" almost always end with a friendly handy-j. This definitely makes it weird when she talks to the wife, because when they have a conversation like this...

What my wife really hears is this...

But here's the thing... this woman absolutely insists that she is a professional therapist whose only job is to help people embrace their sexuality.

And so you can see that this whole thing is messing with my head, because I would swear that what this woman is doing is basically prostitution. And the law here is pretty cut and dry - if you pay someone and get any form of sex in exchange, it's illegal. I mean, I feel like if this was a legal loophole, your average prostitute would be found on the street corner dressed in her best slutty nurse costume, offering "discount therapy" at the Motel 8 run by a pimp named Dr. $iZzUrP.

For once, Google is of no use to me. If you search for anything involving sex therapists and hand jobs, touching patients, stimulating them, etc., all you get is hundreds upon hundreds of porn results, because apparently a ton of people have fantasies about screwing their therapist, while not realizing that she's located here in Denver and the happy ending is always included.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to tattle on her, or get her in trouble, or anything like that. I'm no prude. Just call this Asshole Curiosity™, and indulge me, because it's going to bother me if I don't know. So below is a completely anonymous (jackass) poll, which you are all invited to fill out for shits, grins, lulz, and maybe just a smattering of knowledge.

Oh, and really, if anyone DOES know... this can't be legal, right...?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Low Roar
Beer: Lagunitas IPA

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

#22 - You Came to the Wrong Neighborhood, Suckah

(Note: if you've never been chased by a pack of rabidly furious geese just for being in the same zip code as them, then you've never truly lived.)