Monday, March 2, 2015

Online Dating: The Breeding Ground of Crazies

Hey guys, Bryan here. And I wasn't always married to the lovely, purple haired saint that constantly puts up with my shenanigans. No, at one time I was single - painfully single - and as I found it kinda hard to meet people, I turned to the digital jungle that was online dating.

Now, online dating is interesting to begin with, because it's full of profiles of people that have ridiculously unrealistic expectations.

Ultimately, I met my wife there. But unfortunately, I had to wade through a sea of crazies to get to her. And today I'm gonna share with you the stories of two of them, as inspired by some comments I recently traded with our awesome friend Julie.

Now, once you get past the Oinkys, you find some candidates that share your interests, and seem like decent people, and don't look like complete swamp trolls (huge plus!). I decided to try meeting some of these women in person for something extremely low key like coffee. But with Elizabeth* I quickly found that 'low key' was not in her vocabulary.

*Real name, because fuck it, what's she gonna do? Sue me?

We agreed to meet at Starbucks, and I got there just before her. I grabbed a cup of coffee. I sat down and waited for her. And when she came in... these were seriously the very first words out of her mouth.

Because nothing says 'hello' quite like the fires of a raging biological clock. And after her big spiel, she let out a huge sigh of relief and said...

To which I said...

Yeah, I know, kind of a dick thing to say, but I also wasn't going to sit through 30 minutes of awkwardly sipping my coffee, knowing she was picturing our future offspring.

She was not happy about my little quip, gave me a few choice words, and stormed out. The kicker, of course, was that 20 minutes later she sent me a text saying something along the lines of this...

Wait... a BIT too strong? Now that WE'VE both cooled off? Well, naturally, this was my only course of action...

Needless to say, I did not reply. And after a few awkward 'hello?'s and 'are you there?'s she finally went away.

Now, speaking of things that never go away... next up was Tara*.

*Real name again - why not? Come at me Tarabro

Tara had a great sense of humor, and we liked to joke around. We also had a decent amount in common. However, there was one thing that we didn't have in common. Something I absolutely never wanted to have in common with her. And the only reason it came out was because of a very stupid joke I made to keep the humor going.

To this day, "I got herpes" is still the most interesting way a person's ever answered the question "How was your day?"

But that wasn't the craziest part. No, the craziest part was how she tried to "rally the troops" and "inspire me", using this incurable sexually transmitted disease as a badge of honor.

No, really. She said that. And she got really, really mad when I ran faster than an Olympic sprinter.

I was unwilling to chivalrously accept her gift of herpes. So, much like 'the herp', I told Tara to go away and never come within 100 feet of my genitals. And, much like herpes, Tara was a little sore but I'm sure she eventually learned to live with it.

Now, believe it or not, there were actually more crazies/stalkers/all around nutjobs in my online dating life, and if people have any interest, I'll share them in the future and keep this going. But till then, just know that while your good friend Bryan has done some stupid things in his time, he did not knock up/marry a stranger with a ticking biological clock, nor did he succumb to 'the herp', so at least he's exercised some good judgment over the years.

Cheers and stay herpes free, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Beer: Deschutes Mirror Pond
Music: Strange Talk

Monday, February 23, 2015

Do-It-Yourself Projects: Sadomasochism Masked as a Hobby

Hey everybody. Bryan here, and I don't know about you guys, but we both are big fans of DIY* projects around the house.

*If you don't know that DIY stands for Do-It-Yourself then chances are good you're either too rich to have to put up with this shit or you just like living in complete shambles

Yep, there's nothing more satisfying than getting your hands dirty and spending an afternoon or three building or repairing something around the house just for the sake of saying you did it yourself.

And who doesn't like being able to say, "I just fixed a major appliance without any adult supervision whatsoever"? Aside from earning the admiration* of your fellow housemates, do-it-yourself work has a slew of other great benefits.

*rolling their eyes so hard their retinas eject

So today we're gonna go over just a few of the reasons why doing it yourself is always the way to go.

1. It costs so much less.

Think about it. Sure, you could pay someone with all of the proper equipment to come over and tackle the job, but that could cost hundreds. Instead, all you need to do is buy a few small tools to get the job done and handle it yourself.

Okay, so you might need a brand new wrench set because you lost the one single wrench size you needed. Or you might need to buy a one-off specialty tool that you'll only ever need for this job and will never use again (that retails at $49.99). Or you might need to buy twice the amount of materials because you fucked it up the first time around.

But really, all you need is a simple trip (or four) to Home Depot and a few hundred dollars worth of tools and materials and you can easily save yourself that few hundred dollars you would have otherwise spent on a repairman.

And really, isn't that all money well spent?

2. You can show off how strong and capable you are.

DIY is my personal way of saying "I don't need no man!" And what better way to celebrate one's sense of self and strength than by thwarting an inanimate object with your own two hands. That old, tiny, rusted over bolt never stood a chance!

3. You can learn valuable life skills.

Half the fun of DIY is learning as you go, and what better way to learn than by just diving in? Between the thousands of conflicting tutorials made by any random jackass on Youtube and the terrible advice friends and family members offer, there's a DIY battle plan for everyone's needs. I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen? Oh, right, you could destroy your car and/or house. But isn't that its own valuable life skill?

"Well, I'll never do THAT again."

4. It's such a time saver.

Yes, you could have someone come over and fix your stuff for you and essentially have a stranger in your house for God only knows how many hours. Or worse, if it's something like your car, you can take it to someone and have them hold it hostage for a few hours. But what they won't tell you is that they always exaggerate and upcharge you for time spent, and if you were to do it yourself, you'd totally be able to do it so much faster than these so-called "professionals" ever would.

Yep, as you can clearly see, the benefits of doing it yourself always outweigh paying someone to do it for you. Any other stubborn jackass DIYers in the house?

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

Music: Benny Goodman
Beer: Ballast Point Even Keel IPA

Monday, February 16, 2015

Nothing Can Save You From... The Others

It isn't really the season for spooky stories, but today that's exactly what we're going to share with you. It's a horror tale for the ages. You see, long ago, when Brandon first met his would-be wife, she was haunted by a presence - a terrible, trashy force that had recently invaded her home and refused to leave.

They were known as "The Others," and they haunted the basement like a mutant tribe of subterranean trailer trash that one would expect to find living on the set of The Hills Have Eyes.

The hauntings were subtle at first. Brandon noticed it slowly, when things like his beer started to go missing from the refrigerator with no real explanation of where it went.

And then came the terrible smells, the ones that finally convinced Brandon something eerie was definitely afoot in his girlfriend's basement.

Slowly and with more regularity, The Others began to venture upstairs, emptying piggy banks for chewing tobacco money and leaving stains and messes throughout the house like any bold poltergeist eventually does.

They requested loans and rent extensions, and instead of paying important things like "bills" they spent every single dime of their paychecks on idiotic things like stacks and stacks of flavored air in a can. No, really, they bought an entire pallet of the stuff, because once you've had Strawberry Green Tea Flavored Air you really can't go back to that boring regular air that stupid plants give off.

So Brandon did what any good child of the eighties would do; he moved on in and channeled his inner Ghostbusters, scaring those nasty moochers off for good.

In the end, The Others left the same way they arrived: in the middle of the night, by way of a dilapidated minivan with an expired United States Terr'rist Hunting permit stuck on the window, and a month of unpaid rent owed. And even if Brandon's now-wife is out some money because of it, it's still worth it just to have them gone once and for all.

Only Satan knows what poor soul that devilish family now haunts, but rest assured, they'll never trouble the Meyers household again.

Anyone else ever been 'haunted' by terrible roommates?

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

Beer: Maker's Mark, because someone stole all the goddamn beer
Music: The Pretty Reckless

Monday, February 9, 2015

Keeping the V in V-Day

If you're like us, you probably don't care much for Valentine's Day. Yes, it's rich in history, and we all know that it commemorates the day that St. Valentine valiantly drove all of those goddamn snakes out of that goddamn plane, but these days it's become so commercialized. Valentine's Day (or Valentime's Day, as it's known to stupid people), is often nothing more than the giving of pricey gifts as a way of staving off bitter divorce for another year.

But it doesn't have to be!

Thanks to the two creative geniuses here at ABftS (aka us) we've compiled some great Valentine's Day gift ideas that are not just inexpensive, but they come from the heart, too! So this year, give your loved one the gift that says "I tried with my heart but not with my wallet, so don't hold that against me, you selfish, ungrateful cow-person."

1) Cook a romantic meal

You don't have to be a gourmet chef to present your loved one with a romantic meal. Or even have to know how to cook at all, for that matter. Ask any master chef what truly counts in a dish, and they'll each tell you the same thing - it's all about the presentation.

2) Do a sexy dance

So you've just served your honey some sick-ass tuna surprise. He or she is still having a taste-gasm. Don't let the magic end there. Instead, let it sloppily travel straight to your hips.

See, if Magic Mike has taught us anything, it's that people will pay money to watch anything as long as that 'anything' has abs. But it's also taught us that an erotic dance is the unisex gift that keeps on giving, as both women AND men love a good lap dance. So this Valentine's Day, don't be afraid to shake those hips and really get your partner in the mood for romance.

3) Offer the clumsily erotic back rub

Okay, you've just laid down some sick moves. Like, Michael Jackson tap dancing on the ceiling sick. Your loved one doth quiver within his or her loins. But you're not done yet, Romeo and/or Juliet. No, you need to start initiating some body contact. Our suggestion: the back rub. Get out that massage oil you don't know how to use and put on way too much. Then start moving your hands around in awkward patterns because you have no idea what you're doing, only to hurt your partner and make your fingers cramp up.

Let loose. Channel that sex appeal straight from your finger bones to their spine muscles. Or whatever's down there. It's not like you have to understand basic human anatomy to make it a massage they'll never forget.

By now you've probably 'sealed the deal', but in case you still need help, we've got one last tip (just the tip); don't forget to do that thing your partner loves in bed. You know, that special thing you do with your tongue and your fingers.

And if that doesn't result in the best Valentine's Day you've ever had, then... you got what you paid for, didn't you?

Cheers and stay sexy, folks,

Beer: Rocket Bike American Lager
Music: Du Tonc

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Powered by Blogger.