Monday, May 15, 2017

#29 - My Car Can Beat Up Your Car

In case nobody gets that stupid, almost 20 year old reference...

Also, as a bonus...

See you in June!

Monday, May 1, 2017

Being a Girl On the Internet Is Hard When You're a 33 Year Old Man

I have to tell you guys, as a man that runs a pop star's social media accounts, I put up with a lot of stupid people. And creepy people. Except, people isn't quite the right word, because it's always dudes.


Many of them are complete idiots. And because of that, part of my job is to help guide these stupid, slobbering mouthbreathers, in the hopes that they'll somehow check out Pop Star's music. A real exercise in futility.

Take, for example, a recent instance in which she collaborated with this top influencer on Instagram (who we'll call Sex Idiot, because Instagram is not a smart place), and he's known best for dancing around shirtless. Like I said, Sex Idiot. Well, Sex Idiot uploaded a video of him dancing to Pop Star's newest song, Koinz, as a way to spread her music to all of his followers.

So, in case you were wondering, half of my job is now explaining to stupid people basic information that was in front of them the whole time.

And it really takes everything in my power not to reply to them, "Gee, why didn't someone add that much needed information to the description? Or add it to the lyrics of the song? Or add it to the post itself? It's like this girl doesn't even WANT to sell songs!" But I can't. I just have to cheerfully tell them the song name, and then assume that someone so stupid they can't even discern the name of a song that's all over a post will somehow go to a digital music store (without getting run over by a truck - yes, it's digital, but these are VERY stupid people) and buy that song.

Spoiler alert: it doesn't happen. But I have to at least try.

Sadly, though, that's not the worst of what I deal with. No, it's definitely the creepers.

If you made your way through that without cringing yourself into a seizure, congratulations. You're stronger than most, probably an Internet veteran, and it should crush your soul to learn that you've become completely desensitized to this kind of creepiness. Good job.

The amount of creepy messages that Pop Star gets could fill an album, and do keep in mind that Pop Star has made it her goal never to dress slutty as a cheap way to get Likes. And yet, for all of that, she can post fully clothed pictures of herself with completely innocent captions and STILL receive digital disgustingness from complete strangers, who for some reason think that the 33 year old man running her social media account would love a free dick pic as a 'thank you' for being attractive to them.

Seriously, she could upload a picture of her elbow and these creepers would still make it weird.

So now that I've been a woman on the Internet, I concede to you ladies out there - being a woman on the Internet is absolutely awful. I have no idea how you do it.

I mean, I couldn't imagine just posting to my Instagram account as a man and getting that kind of response from women.

Women on the Internet... how the hell do you put up with this bullshit?

Cheers and stay classy, friends
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Neon Indian
Beer: Dust Bowl Taco Truck Lager

Thursday, April 20, 2017

100% True Facts About Legalized Marijuana in Colorado That Are True

Today is 4/20, the toker's holiday, and since the devil's lettuce is legal here in Colorado, we thought we'd take some time today and explain to all of you the effects that this legalization has had on us native Coloradans. See, most people who don't live here can't even begin to imagine how much things have changed since we've legalized Lucifer's lavender, but Colorado is practically a cloudy, bloodshot dystopia full of zombie-like stoners just bumping into each other clumsily as they look to score their next hit.

100% true facts about marijuana legalization in Colorado

1) The air is now completely unbreathable.

You see this?

This totally isn't a picture of the pollution in China that we stole off of Google Images. No, this is a picture that one of us snapped of Denver just by stepping outside today. Ever since the rapper's romaine was legalized, the air quality in Colorado has been downgraded from Moderate to Cheech and Chong Afterparty.

The contact high is so severe that people who step outdoors for more than 1 hour at a time are 100% more likely to contract the giggles and 200% more likely to actually find an Adam Sandler movie amusing.

2) Crime has gone up 8,000,000%.

Your eyes do not deceive you (unless you're high, in which case they might - that dragon isn't really here. Just ignore him and keep reading the post. Eye on the prize, champ). Crime has truly gone up this much in Colorado. You see, research has shown that smoking just a single puff of jazz cabbage can result in a life of crime. Those D.A.R.E. programs we all were forced to take as kids? They weren't lying.

3) Tourists now outnumber people 10 to 1.

You see this?

This is absolutely not a picture of an overcrowded train in India that we pilfered from Google Images. No, this is a picture that we snapped at the Denver Light Rail station to show you just how many droves of people are coming to Colorado for the sole purpose of getting giggly on Buddha's baked begonias.

You see, people in other cities literally have zero access to Satan's shrub, which is why Colorado is now an overpopulated stoner mecca, and in only a matter of months this is what the city of Denver is likely to look like.

4) Overdose deaths have tripled.

Prior to the legalization of Beelzebub's broccoli, deaths as a direct result of choking on the dark prince's tube root were at zero. But then immediately following legalization, deaths doubled. This year alone, deaths have tripled... because 0 x 3 still = 0.

Dude, math is crazy when you're high.

5) Meth use has sky-rocketed.

As we all know, Hitler's hibiscus is the gateway to meth and black tar heroin. That's just a scientific fact. So we can't say anyone was surprised when meth use across the state began to run rampant. Meth labs now outnumber dispensaries, and the police refuse to do anything about it, because they're also on meth.

Hell, we don't even smoke the Antichrist's asparagus, and we're both on meth right now.


6) Cancer has actually been cured.

You might think the effect of legalization has all been negative, but there is one positive to all of this.

If you've ever listened to an old burnout hippie, the kind that has dreadlocks on the lower half of his bald head and lives out of a van that's older than we are, then you know that smoking the fornicator's flower can actually cure cancer. Well, this is 100% true.

Cancer rates are down to an all time low of zero, now that we've discovered how the THC in the devil's dandelion has been scientifically programmed to fight cancer cells. Take that, Big Pharma!

It's just crazy to think how much life has changed ever since we legalized Satan's spinach. Just remember: anyone who says that day-to-day life hasn't changed at all and that everything is pretty much the same as it was before legalization, if not better, is probably stoned out of their gourds on Krampus's collard greens and also definitely on meth.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Music: Skylar Spence
Beer: Odell Runoff Red IPA

Monday, April 3, 2017


Hey kids. Today's post isn't meant to incite political outrage on one side or another or stir up some kind of incendiary debate, because there's plenty of that already on... well, any other website on the Internet. Frankly, we don't give a shit if you hate Donald Trump with a passion or if you have a major hard-on for him and want to pump out his orange, fish-lipped babies. We just want you to ask yourself, do you have those opinions because you researched the facts yourself and drew your own conclusions, or do you have those opinions because the TV and/or the Internet told you to have them, based on "facts" they presented to you?

(We would have said newspapers, too, but nobody reads those anymore. What is this, 1920?)

Cheers and stay informed, friends,

See you again on the 20th for an epic 4/20 post!

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

#27 - Hahahaha OMG I'm Dying LOLOLOL

I mean, yeah, you're probably bleeding out a little in your dungeon basement prison, but let's not act like you're literally dying, you big exaggerator.

So hey, don't be afraid to be honest. As amateur webcomic artists who also double as Internet users, we totally understand. When someone says, "I sniffled under my breath in laughter at this comic," we take that as a huge compliment, because that really means something!

And so there's no need to tell us that you sprayed your monitor and your keyboard and your next door neighbor with vomitous, coffee-splattered, open-mouthed donkey braying, because that doesn't sound like a compliment. That sounds horrifying.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

#26 - Always Consult Your Doctor

Hey, with health insurance costing as much as $1,000 per month for a plan with a $10,000 deductible, sometimes you just have to go to someone like "Doctor" Madam Zelda instead. For only $9.99 we learned the sex of the baby, and according to her in-office tarot reading we also learned that Brandon Jr. (name pending) "will have an encounter with a mysterious stranger that will result in life altering events." I mean, how neat is that?

So you heard the Magic 8-Ball! It's a boy! And the Magic 8-Ball never lies (except when it does).

Now you should probably congratulate Brandon. Which is weird, because when you say, "Congratulations!" on it being a boy, that's kind of like saying "Ugh, thank GOD it's not a girl."

And that's downright sexist and intolerant of you. So now that I've painted you into a corner, good luck on coming up with something to comment below.

Note: While we're both incredibly busy with real life, we hope you don't mind this blog being more lazy web-comic based until we can free up more time. And if you do mind... one of us is having a baby and the other is creating the next American pop star, so cut us some slack, yeah?