I always thought my cat had a staring problem - she always seemed fixated on my face. Until one day, when I realized that she was always looking just behind me. Hangukbrian
I was having a pleasant dream when what sounded like hammering woke me. After that, I could barely hear the muffled sound of dirt covering the coffin over my own screams. Vigridarena
I can't move, breathe, speak or hear and it's so dark all the time. If I knew it would be this lonely, I would have been cremated instead. Graboid27
Sure, those are mildly unsettling, but as true masters of horror, we figured we'd take our own stab at it. Get it? Stab? Ah yes, that's right, we're only warming up the Halloween scares. Let the true horror begin.
As soon as I turned on my television, the remote control stopped working. The volume was at the maximum level, and Glee was on every channel.
Yes, that's right, that's a jab at American Horror Story officially jumping the shark by having a musical number every goddamn episode and effectively turning itself from "unique, creepy horror series" into "Glee with circus freaks." What's scarier than ghosts, a mental institution, and witches? Turning a horror show into a high school musical.
But alas, this post is about true terror, not West Side Horror Story. Let's explore some more terrifying two sentence stories, shall we?
I went to Youtube and searched "funny cat videos." What returned was a page that said "no results found."
A world where no hilarious cat videos exist? What madness is this?
I'm locked in a room with Bill O'Reilly, Sarah Palin, Bill Maher, Glenn Beck, Al Sharpton, and Sean Hannity. Someone just asked them to discuss their opinions on the president.
I passed quietly in my sleep, surrounded by loved ones, having lived a happy, peaceful life. But when I was reincarnated, I was reborn as Honey Boo Boo's mother's hemorrhoid donut.
If the promise of being smothered by "Mama June's" farts for a lifetime is not enough to scare you into living a good life, then we don't know what is. But oh wait, it gets scarier.
I awoke to the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen administering mouth-to-mouth CPR on me. Before I could thank her for saving my life, she told me she'd just tested positive for Ebola.
OoooOOooooOOOOOooo! Are you scared? We put the fear in fearmongering!
We even wrote a two sentence horror story just for the ladies.
I woke up in bed wearing his fedora, feeling more in love than I ever had in my life. As I ran my hand over his blubbery, hair-carpeted stomach and luscious neckbeard, he grunted, "Good morn, milady."
Oh wait, I guess that would be an equally terrifying story for a man. Maybe even more so. Lastly, we wrote our own personal two sentence horror story, one that was so horrifying it made one of us vomit and the other weep uncontrollably. Those who are squeamish, pregnant, or nursing may want to step into the other room.
After a hard day of blogging, we opened the fridge to grab an ice cold beer. The only beer inside was gluten free.
If you've never had a gluten free beer, it's like Satan pissed in a bottle, drank it, vomited it back into the bottle, and then mixed in Justin Bieber's saliva. Yes, it's that bad.
Now, if that's still not scary enough for you, we've decided to run a special promotion for our horror novelette collection, The Graveyard Shift. All this week the price will be reduced from $5.99 to $1.99 in honor of Halloween. So if you haven't checked it out yet, you should. This is not your typical, run of the mill, slash and gore horror. As one of our personal favorites, this book is an awesome collection of psychological thrillers with dark twists and sickening turns for a price that's hard to beat. And don't take our word for it; this is verified by a slew of amazing reviews from people that are not our mothers.
So click on that stunning cover or the link below and grab it while you can.
The Graveyard Shift - now $1.99!
And until next time, help us out. Give us your best two sentence horror story (funny, scary, or both) in the comments. The best three, as voted by us, will be featured here on the blog next week!
Cheers and stay scary, friends,
Beer: Omission Gluten Free Beer (they omitted the gluten AND the flavor!)
Music: Taylor Swift (or as we like to affectionately call her, T. Swizzle)
^^^ the scares continue even after the post is finished! OOOOOoooooOOOOOoooo...