Except, today Brandon will be making an honorable mention. Because he actually has a hilarious dating story from way back in the day when he met up with a girl he met on MySpace (it feels like that should have been a sign...).
They traded a few messages. She looked stunning in her profile pictures. They agreed to meet up for a date. But when he got there... well, let's just say she was not exactly as advertised.
Yes, this girl, who had sneakily photographed herself with her main chin pushed out (so as to hide the other three) and only from the cleavage above, looked deceptively thin on social media. Except in person she was incredibly overweight. Which is BS for two reasons.
1) False advertising. I mean, come on, man. It's not like Brandon listed himself as 6'4 and built like a beefy, bronze god, only to show up with his just under 6 foot tall, thin ass.
2) We've got nothing against a lady with some meat on her bones. Curvy is sexy. This girl was not curvy. She was not slightly overweight. She was "one-step-away-from-having-to-drive-a-mobility-scooter" morbidly obese.
Which really makes the deception all the more impressive. But still, that seems like something you should let someone know before you meet them. Needless to say, the date was a complete and utter trainwreck, but Brandon, ever the gentleman, awkwardly finished the date for the sake of being nice. He did not talk to her again after that.
Now... that wasn't the only case of false advertising in the online dating world, and his cohort here wasn't quite the gentleman. You see, I (Bryan) experienced this as well, in my date with a girl we'll call Edna. Now, Edna also looked nice in her profile pictures. But there was something slightly... off about her. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I mean, she seemed normal enough. Looked normal enough.
But as we hit it off and got closer to meeting, she started acting like she had something to share, and yet she didn't quite want to spill the beans.
That should have been a red flag. But I figured what the hell, maybe she's just clumsy and self conscious. I could look past that. So we agreed to see a movie. It's a no pressure date, and we didn't really have to talk. We just had to sit there...
Little did I know that's all she would be doing - a whole lot of sitting - because her body wasn't capable of much more than that. I wasn't prepared for what walked through the door. Or should I say... hobbled through the door like a zombie after pressing the handicapped auto-open button.
Edna was more like Special Edna, and had failed to tell me that she was developmentally handicapped. So much so that one of her arms was stuck in permanent 'raptor arm' mode, and her legs tried to go in completely different directions whenever she walked.
But she was still highly functional. Think Forrest Gump. Or Walter White Jr. Which was why we hit it off online. But here's the thing. I've never wanted to fuck Forrest Gump. Or Walter White Jr.
And as with Brandon's date, I feel like this was something that should have been mentioned to me before I spent an hour looking like someone's caregiver. She needed help with everything. But above all, it was terrible because she really, really liked me. During the movie, she kept staring at me and licking her lips. And giving me "the eyes of love."
Or I guess maybe just "the eye" of love. I don't know what the hell that other one was looking at. And she kept kissing me on the cheek an uncomfortable amount of times.*
*that amount of times being anything greater than zero
After about 30 minutes of this, I couldn't take it any more, so I said I had to go to the bathroom... and I got up, and I ran, and I never looked back. Some say that to this very day she's still sitting in that theater, waiting for more 'kissy'. Regardless, I'm just satisfied in knowing that if I ever see her again I can at least outrun her.
And in the end, while many like to slam their exes and say that they used to date someone who's mentally handicapped, I can say that I truly, actually did... and it was fucking awful. I've got nothing but love for those who are developmentally handicapped, but that love does not extend to dating and marriage.
Stay tuned for the next installment (whenever the hell that may be), in which we tell you about the girl who crafted a 2 page-long "demands" list and the girl that wanted to be choked unconscious with a belt!
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Music: Warren Zevon
Beer: Lagunitas Sucks