Just Call Me Bryan: Attorney at Law

          I've gotten a lot of jobs I wasn't qualified for. Computer programmer. Election official. That one time I tried to be a doctor in Mexico.

          Now we can add attorney to that list.
          I have 2 brothers-in-law, both of whom have more money than common sense, and they rely on me a lot for help. Like the time I drove 30 minutes to remove a car battery because they had no idea how (4 small bolts and it was out, took about 45 seconds). Or the time I drove one to the airport and didn't take the $10 tollway because that's expensive as fuck, and he commented, as we took a long back road, "Oh, this must be the way poor people go."
          Really, just imagine the stereotypical millionaire who can't even feed himself properly because there's always been a person or machine for that. Now multiply that by two. You have my brothers-in-law.
          One recently put his house up for sale and went back to Vegas. Soon after, his Realtor sold it, and since he didn't want to come back to Colorado to sign the papers, he texted me to let me know he gave me power of attorney over his half a million dollar estate and asked me to close everything for him. "Oh, and by the way," he said, "it's gonna close in 30 minutes at a place that's 15 minutes away so make sure you're on time!"
          Yep, that's right. This bomb was dropped on me 30 minutes before I was due in front of a title transfer adviser.
          The following is what happened:

          So off I went to the title company, and they started hitting me with hard questions right off the bat.

          What? I've been to his house maybe 5 times in my life. I have no idea what his address is. So maybe this tells you what kind of shit he was getting me into.
           After they looked that information up (which I'm proud to say I still don't know), they sent me to a big boardroom where I consulted with some suits and was given some legal documents that looked like they were written in an alien language.

              And then came a barrage of questions I am definitely not qualified to answer.

               This is 100% true, by the way. My wife offered the midgets drinks and they were scared of pissing off the millionaire host (brother-in-law #1), so my wife said, "I'm his sister, I can do whatever the fuck I want, come drink with me." So while bro-in-law #1 was hobnobbing with a bunch of silicone breasted bimbos, my wife was getting a bunch of midgets dressed up like jesters drunk.
               So let it never be questioned again why I married this woman.
             
               Anyhow, after bluffing my way through these ridiculous tax questions, I had to sign about 30 different papers, outlining myself as AIF (Attorney In Fact). And after that, my brother-in-law's house was sold! Or at least I think it was, since, you know, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing.

            They don't pay me nearly enough for this shit (namely, zero).

            So, anyone want any shitty legal advice?

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan, Esq.

Beer: Honker's Ale
Music: TMBG

The Car That Drives Itself

        I was reading an article last week about new technologies being put into cars, and what I saw was astounding. Simply astounding.
        Front mounted video cameras for improved parallel parking. Dashboard controls manipulated with hand gestures so you can focus more on driving. Sensors to measure if you're swerving, which triggers the car to pull back into its lane.
        Isn't it incredible? I mean... who NEEDS this bullshit?
        See, I already have a front-mounted camera for improved parallel parking. It's called eyeballs. Also, I'm not Italian. I don't need to control everything with hand gestures. Personally, I think that if you can't reach over and change the radio station without slamming into another car, you shouldn't be driving. Same thing goes for staying in your lane. If you can't do that, what you need isn't new technology, it's a trip to driving school (and possibly a stop off at AA on the way).
        So if this is the future of car technology, I thought of some new ideas for comforts we very well could be putting into our cars within the next 10 years.

1. Forget heated seats and cooled seats. How inconvenient is it to stop off at a gas station to go to the bathroom? Because of that, I give you the toilet seat. The seat itself has a hole in it, which allows you to do your business, and when you're done, it just shoots out the exhaust. Works double duty (ha, I said doody) if you're being followed by someone you hate!

I bet someone's wishing he'd upgraded to leather! I mean really, cloth seats? What is this, Ethiopia?

2. It's late at night. You're starting to drift off, and even worse, you're starting to drift into other lanes. You've just become a danger to the road. Thankfully, your new car is equipped with the immediate warnings of the digital backseat driver.

Watch out, Siri! This bitch means business! And unlike traditional cars, its the lower quality models that are the most over protective (errr, insecure)! "No, honey, I'd NEVER trade you for a Maserati. I LOVE driving a Kia."

3. You want to control your lights, your radio, and your heater without taking your eyes off the road. You're also a child of the 90's and like gimmicky products. What about the clapper? Clap once, and your lights come on! Clap twice, and your radio changes stations! Clap three times and the car sets your cruise control! What's the worst that could happen?

Actually, this isn't the first time that watching Friends has made someone want to drive off the side of a cliff.

4. Ford introduced the self parking car, but there's so much more than parking that I don't want to do. Like getting out of the car. And going inside a store to buy my latte. So how about a car that does all of THAT for you?

"Make mine a venti, please! And a tall caramel macchiato for the woman whose child I just crushed!"

Unfortunately, none of these products exist. So until these things become available to the general public, I guess we'll have to just keep stopping at rest stops, and buying our own lattes, and piloting our cars ourselves.

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Music: The Kooks
Beer: Bohemia