Friday, April 1, 2016

How to Obliterate That Stubbornly Annoying Belly Fat (#4 Gave Me Rectal Cancer)

You may not realize this about us, but we are both expert nutritionists. Each of us has 32 years of experience of eating food (that's 64 total years of experience), so believe us when we say that we know what we're doing.

So today we're going to share with you the 8 tips and tricks that we've mastered over the years to give us the flat, trim stomachs that are driving women everywhere* wild, and if you follow our advice then in no time you'll have ribs obtrusive enough to play like a xylophone.
*woman, singular

1. Don't eat red meat.

Scientists have recently discovered that eating red meat is terrible for your heart, because it's loaded with fat. They say it's the leading cause of obesity and hypertension in adults, so skip this if at all possible! Your waistline will thank you!

2. Move your abs.

You may not realize this, but your abs are the "core" of your body, which is why it's called your core (who knew, right?). Moving those abs and keeping them strong is vital to a slim stomach, but it can be hard to move them all the time. Trust us, we know. So don't be afraid to ask a friend to move them for you. Or a trusted neighbor. Or a very skilled dog. Just don't misplace them in the process.

Brandon personally prefers to have a machine jiggle his core into shape.

3. Eat red meat.

Scientists have recently discovered that eating red meat is fantastic for your heart, because it's loaded with good, healthy fats, which your body needs. They say it's a great way to fight obesity and hypertension in adults, so don't forget to eat your steaks! Your waistline will thank you!

4. Exercise all of your abs.

You might not know this, but you actually have six abs, which is why a six pack is called a "six pack" (who knew, right?). Most people make the mistake of only exercising 2 or 3 abs, when really you should be exercising ALL of your abs. To achieve this, we recommend the "Holding Plank" exercise. This, much like that awful planking trend, is when you lay down on the ground, arms behind you, legs behind you, and flex your core for as long as you can.

Bryan's been known to plank for as long as 8-10 hours straight.

5. Don't eat red meat.

Scientists have recently discovered that eating red meat is terrible for you, because it's loaded with carcinogens that can actually give you cancer. It may be tempting to have a nice big steak for dinner, but don't do it! Your body will thank you when it's NOT being ravaged by demonic cancer cells.

6. Be young.

Statistics show that people under 18 have a 150% faster metabolism than those who are over 21, and a whopping 200% faster metabolism than those over the age of 60. So take advantage of that and stop needlessly slowing your metabolism by getting older. Choose not to age. Your waistline will thank you!

7. Eat red meat.

Scientists have recently discovered that while eating processed red meats like hot dogs are terrible for you and can cause cancer, natural red meat is fantastic for you, because it's loaded with the protein your muscles need to stay strong, and the more amount of muscle you have, the higher your metabolism will be. So next time you're feeling hungry for a nice, big, juicy steak, don't deny your body the fuel that it needs. Your waistline will thank you!

8. Be Asian.

Studies have found that Asia has the lowest obesity rate in the world, with Vietnam having only a 0.50% obesity rate. That means that out of 100 people, only 1 is half obese! That's amazing!

So stop being a fat, lazy American, and become a thin, healthy Asian.

There you go, folks. It's not rocket surgery. Stick with these 8 tips, and you're GUARANTEED* to get the slim tummy you've always dreamed of.
*not guaranteed

Don't believe us? We both have before/after pictures to show you, and you know they're real because we drew them ourselves!

Just months ago Brandon was a fat, disgusting wildebeest that couldn't even lift himself out of bed. Today he's slim, trim, and ready to hit the gym.

And Bryan, well, he was in decent shape to begin with, but with this program he turned into the hulking behemoth that's been lurking deep within him for centuries.

Cheers and stay fit, friends,

Music: Skylar Spence
Beer: Upslope Thai IPA

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

I Am My Own Grandpa

Family history is a funny thing. It's years upon years of people and stories that have ultimately made us who we are, and it gives us generations upon generations of excuses as to why we're the miserable failures that we've become.

It's interesting when we carry over their features and their traits, but it's also interesting when we don't turn out anything like them. Like, would you believe me if I said I'm descended from drunken midgets? Yeah, well, keep reading. I've got a picture.

It all goes back to Great-Grandpa Tony, aka "Shorty" (nickname not ironic), who immigrated from Spain in search of the American dream. He was the tallest of his clan at a whopping 4'10, and was well known for his temper and his love of booze.

Now, I'm of fairly average height for a guy, but every time I think I've got it bad for being under 6', I just remember that right now I could legally be a dwarf.

The only reason I even have my meager height is because Shorty married a woman that was 5'10. Her son (my grandpa) was 5'8, my dad is 5'8, and I'm somehow 5'10. Overall, not bad.

Shorty - seen here blending in perfectly with his small children
Shorty died as comically as he lived. One night, on a dark, drunken walk home from the bar, he fell into an irrigation ditch and drowned. I wish I was making that up. If anything, it might account for why I'm terrified of water and can't swim.

But remember how I said it's interesting the traits we do pick up? Well, that brings me to someone else. Now, I had never met or even saw Shorty's son, aka my grandpa. He was a gambling addicted, alcoholic asshole that left when my dad was 4 (after having gambled away Grandma's wedding ring) and never looked back once.

Last week my dad dug up an old picture of this man, and we were both shocked to see that I look exactly like him. Nearly identical. I don't look squat like my dad, but I look eerily like my grandpa.

Right now he's 93, and according to public records still very much alive (we live a long ass time... when not drunkenly falling into ditches), so I gather we don't look much alike anymore. But it blows my mind to think that at one point in history, I had a doppelganger. And unlike me, who's never even been drunk and never had the slightest inclination to gamble, my doppelganger was a deadbeat gambling addicted booze hound.

So when you think about it, my grandpa is kind of like my evil twin, and once upon a time ago my evil twin terrorized the state. How crazy a thought is that?

So yes, that's the story of how I am descended of drunken midgets and my Grandpa is my time-traveling evil twin.

Any other interesting family stories around here?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Beer: Colorado Native

Grandpa: "How about my only existing photograph be one where I'm smirking and you can see up my nose? You know, the most unflattering angle possible." <-- See? Asshole.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Your Gonna Love This Post To Much

If that title didn't give you brain cancer, then today's post is probably a much needed lesson for you.

See, we don't know what it is, but within the past couple of years it seems like your/you're have overwhelmingly become the most grammatically abused words on the entire Internet. You just can't go anywhere without seeing someone proclaim to someone else, "Your an idiot!" ...which, if anything, is a hilarious exercise in irony.

To help you all out, just remember that your is possessive. Example: If Dave is an idiot and for some reason you married him, then Dave is your idiot. He is your property, even if no one knows why.

You're is a contraction, short for you are. Use this any time you would type you are. Example: If Dave is an idiot, and you want to let your stupid moron of a husband know what you think about him, you'd tell him, "Dave, you're an idiot."

If you're still lost, then just try this.

That goes for to and too, too. While not quite as abused as your/you're, there's still a ton of mixing up between the two (oh god, another variant!) words.

To - this has a ton of meanings, but is often used as a way of indicating movement or that something has become another. Example 1: I'm going to the store to ride the shopping carts. Example 2: I broke my shopping cart to pieces with my fat ass and had to talk to the store manager in order to apologize for being a childish fat ass and to convince him not to press charges.

Too - this means in excess, or is a substitute for also. Example 1: I ate too many pies. Example 2: I had diarrhea, too... probably from all of those pies.

If that doesn't help you figure it out, we recommend this.

As a handy tip, just remember that Bryan literally ripped out a man's anus and then replaced it with the letter O, which may be excessive, so you might say that that gag went a bit too far.

Okay, so grammatical ramblings aside, why is it that you're going to love this post too much? Because over the weekend our IT department* changed some code around on the blog in an effort to make comments more interesting.

*us, but in thick glasses that have no lenses

We know that sometimes words are too hard, as evident above, so as of today you can now officially comment here with pictures and even videos.

Before, if you pasted a YouTube link in a comment, it would just appear as a bunch of stupid words and possibly a link. Now it'll be automatically embedded and playable in your comment.

On top of that, there are now codes you can use to embed pictures or even change the text. To insert a picture or pictures into any part of your comment, simply wrap [im] and [/im] around the direct web link of any picture.
Example: [im][/im]

(You'll get this)

If you want to change text, we've got codes for that too. Simply wrap [ma] and [/ma] around what you want to say, and it'll automatically scroll... for some reason. You can also change text color [co="purple"][/co] text size [si="2"][/si] and highlight text [hi="yellow"][/hi] to your black little heart's desire.
Example: [ma]HELLO WORLD![/ma]

But you probably don't care about those, so just focus on pictures. Pictures! See below for a demo, and have fun. Your gonna love this!

Cheers and stay way to classy, friends,

Music: Twin Shadow
Beer: Smithwick's