Monday, August 7, 2017

This Post is Nothing - Move Along

So I know you're probably all wondering where I've been the past couple of wee-







Okay, *IF* you were wondering where I was the past couple of weeks, I've been nursing a broken hand. I fractured one of the tiny bones inside of my hand while beating the living hell out of my body opponent bag.

This asshole.


Seeing as how the dummy is fine, I don't believe I won our last fight. Statistics indicate I may instead be the dummy.

Weeks have dragged on and still I can't draw. I can type a bit, but posting nothing but words is weird. Unheard of. What am I, some kind of author or something?

I figured maybe there's another way I can still get you guys a quality post. Maybe I can make comics entirely out of text.



But no, that's cheesy. Even cheesier than using MSPaint.

Speaking of, I also thought of digging up some old MSPaint files from way, WAY back in the day and adding some new text over those, but it turns out that Microsoft has actually killed off MSPaint. Those bastards.


I even considered asking my wife to draw something for the blog.


But since she doesn't know what she's doing and that's kind of rude of me to push my work on someone else, I can't do that, either.

I even considered just posting a rerun. Taking a slightly older post and reposting it again just for something as cheap as extra views and maybe a bit of ad revenue.


But I can't do that. That's lame.

Ultimately, none of these things fit the bill here at ABftS, so I've decided that for this week you get nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is no post today, no cartoons, and no pictures. Nothing to see here, folks.

Sorry about all of this nothingness. I do hate to leave you with a blank canvas. Anyhow, I'll see you in a couple weeks when my hand is better.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Beer: Left Hand Sawtooth Ale
Music: Vance Joy

The first thing you see when you enter hell
                                                                     

Monday, July 24, 2017

#31 - Just Smile, Stupid




Note from artist: I realized after drawing this that it might seem like a subtle cry for help, but it's just a joke involving some ridiculous things I've heard in my life about depression. I'm feeling perfectly fine.

Isn't that right, voice-in-my-head-that-tells-me-to-burn-things?

Si, es correcto.
(he's Puerto Rican).


Monday, July 10, 2017

It's a Bouncing Baby Boy



His name is Jackson. He came into this world July 5th. Brandon's too busy to respond to comments now, but I'll send any and all warm wishes his way.

~Bryan


Monday, July 3, 2017

Happy Blow Things Up/Terrify Your Pets Day


May your beer be plentiful, your fireworks be military grade, and your fingers be ultimately intact.

Happy 4th of July!... if you're into that sort of thing.

Cheers and stay patriotic, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Music: Eluvium
Beer: Blue Moon White IPA

(Also posted over on Tapas if you feel like popping over and saying hi)

Monday, June 19, 2017

I Blame My Dad for This Post

I was planning a bigger post for today, but I spent most of the weekend eating charred meat and trying to explain basic computer functions over and over and over again. That probably sounds like some kind of bizarre torture ritual, but actually, that's just another Father's Day with my dear old dad, who likes his coffee and his steak the same way - black. It was fun, and I learned that my dad is sort of a superhero, in a way.

So in honor of Father's Day, I wanted to share 5 fun superhero facts about my dad.

1. I've never seen him without a mustache. Ever. I always wondered what was beneath it, and it turns out that underneath his mustache, there is only a bigger, stronger mustache... waiting to strike.


2. When he was young, he would wrestle and kill wild wolves for sport, with his bare hands. He would then siphon their souls into his t-shirt. This is why he owns so many of those cheesy wolf t-shirts.

Each of them is a wolf he has bested in combat.

3. He believes that grilled meat needs to be properly charred because the crispiness on the outside traps the flavor on the inside, like a kind of cruel flavor prison.


4. He can break any computer just by touching it. Sometimes even by looking in its general direction. He can also install 8,000 toolbars on a web browser with but a single click.

5. Like the Greek warrior Achilles, his heel is his only weak spot. This is why he wears socks and sandals together, to act as double protection for his only single vulnerability.


As long as he wears this velcro padded armor, he is expected to live forever, continuing to terrorize wolves and computers with reckless abandon.

Oh, and he's also a pretty great guy. He's the kindest, most patient person I know, and I wouldn't be who I am without him. Take that as a good thing or a bad thing, I guess.

Any fun facts about your own father?

Cheers and stay fatherly, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon, who's about to be a father any time now)

Music: Toro y Moi
Beer: Not Your Father's Root Beer

Notice how he's wearing the wolf t-shirt. Yeah, I didn't ask him to do that. He already was. Classic dad.

Bonus: new (probably not to you) comic over on Tapas today. Check it out. Or don't.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Monday, June 5, 2017

2 Legit 2 Quit

After all these years, we're finally going legit.

No, we're not talking about the underground heroin operation we have going (which, I guess, is ruined now that we've mentioned it). We're talking about our comics. Those stupid drawings that have evolved so much over the 70-something years we've been doing this.

As we're sure you all know, A Beer for the Shower started way back in Nineteen Dickety-Two, as anti-Hitler war propaganda.


But we didn't make any money from those. No, we got paid in war bonds, which we've found are surprisingly hard to hawk at flea markets.

Shortly after that, in 2010, we started our blog, and we did something particularly avant-garde; we painted, but with words. Only words, in fact. It was a weird time, but our 2 readers (us, coming back to see if anyone replied) seemed to enjoy it.


We didn't make any money off of this, either, because Google Adwords is a scam. Apologies to the 4 people reading this who somehow haven't had their accounts banned yet. We regret to tell you that that $4.87 will never actually be yours.

A couple of years into blogging later, we got back into art, with some very crappy MSPaint drawings. They were bad. I mean, really bad. I mean, I'm surprised we didn't get tested for mental disabilities and carted off in the short bus bad.

That also was at a time that we were still learning English, having come from the destitute third world country that is Latvia. So our humor, like our English, was still very much developing.






Looking back, we think about 90% of our jokes were potato or waiting-to-die related. Write what you know, right?

And for all of this, we still weren't making any money off of our drawings. And why would we? They were garbage.

But then just last year we graduated! We got an actual drawing tablet. Actual drawing software. We committed ourselves to drawing something that made complete sense.


Okay, so maybe you had to be there. But it made sense to us.

And now we're doing comics. Real life (only not real life) comics. With setups, and punchlines, and art that wasn't made by two potato-guzzling imbeciles.

So we figured it's time to turn pro. This is our way of announcing that as of today, our cartoons are being hosted over on the tapas.io website, which features such other cool comics as Owl Turd, Sarah's Scribbles, and even our dear friend Captain Kirt, who posts elegantly high-brow humor that we aspire to one day reach.

It also means that we get a tiny, tiny share of the ad revenue over there for everyone who views our comics. And knowing how Internet ad revenue works, we just know that we're totally going to be rich off of free Internet money within hours of launching this!

(Yeah, right. But hey, it's something)

So here's what we need from YOU, dear reader.


...Uh, actually we were just going to say that we don't need anything from you.


That's right, nothing here is changing. We're still blogging as often as time will allow, and uploading bi-monthly comics. But we'll also be uploading those same comics to Tapas, in the hopes that we can make a name for ourselves in the comic world while earning dozens of dozens of free Internet pennies.

We're also going to be seeking out other big-name comic platforms and seeing if we can squeeze in there, too. If unbearably unfunny comic strips like Marmaduke can do it and make an entire career out of it, why can't we at least make a bit of extra beer money here and there?

So worry not, everything we're posting over there is content you've already seen. The only difference is that it's been improved. So for example, today's comic was originally posted on 8/22/2016, but it looks WAY better over on Tapas. Click this dumb baby to see for yourself, or just hit the link below him to check it out.



So if you like, come visit us over on Tapas. Check out the cool custom artwork I made for the banner. Sign up. Download the app. Like/comment. Tell some other random comics to suck it and stop trying to be us.

Or if you don't want to do any of that... well, don't. Everything here will still be updated like normal*, and you won't miss a thing.

*as normal as two idiots like us could ever be

In the meanwhile, we're slowly paving our way toward being underpaid comic strip artists, to go along with being underpaid authors. We definitely put the 'starving' in starving artists, but hey, if the choice is between this and being the living embodiment of the movie Office Space, then we'll choose this every time.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Music: Blackbird Blackbird
Beer: Oskar Blues Beerito



Their heads exploded from pure jealousy, in case you were wondering