First off, instead of this lame 'everything on one page' format, we're going to be running all slide shows. All. The. Time. Basically, this means every post will be broken down into at least ten individual pages, so every time you hit that little arrow button to see what our next wowsuperexcellent cartoon is, it'll generate extra pageviews for us and make us look extra impressive on the Internet. Cool, right? Who doesn't want to click through fifteen pages just to read our first string of comics?
The answer, by the way, was "impasta." You call a fake noodle "impasta." Har har! Totally worth clicking 10 separate slides, right? And look at all those extra pageviews we have! Our e-cock is growing faster than Pinocchio's nose!
Next, we're going to be adding a whole lot more mystery ad videos that are all set to autoplay, which blare obnoxious noises at the worst times and are all but impossible to locate and stop on the page. We just know how much everybody loves those!
And if you're concerned about our content, well, don't worry, we've got that covered too! Starting immediately, we're also going to be adding lots of clickbait titles to every post, enticing you into clicking something that's either awful, spam, or both! And since we'll make a whopping .0003 cents per click by way of referral, I think we all know that this is totally worth it for us AND for you.
And you'd better believe we're going to start doing clickbait top ten lists. So, so many lists, just like the high class, thinking man's website that every professional journalist can only dream of adding to their resume, Buzzfeed.
Last but not least, we plan to institute mandatory full-page ads that make you countdown thirty seconds before you can even enter our site. Everyone has 30 seconds to waste, and if anything, it's a great way to get yourselves familiar with our newfound sponsors, don't you think?
Thanks to all of this snazzy new site decor, we'll be gaining extra pageviews that totally matter to people who aren't us, while simultaneously generating dozens of dollars of income per year for ourselves, so it's definitely worth it! A win/win situation for everybody!
So, we hope you've enjoyed this announcement as much as we have. In fact, we're so excited we might just have to stop and enjoy a refreshing pack of Dr. Bill's Amazing Fat-Loss Boner Pills (As seen on TV!). You should try some too! Buying a pack nets us a whole 15 cents by way of referral!
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Beer: Boner Pils(ner)
Music: Can't hear anything over these sweet talking ads