Monday, October 20, 2014

Brandon and Bryan Expose Themselves to Children in Public

It's true, we've never really been exposed to children, but for some inexplicable reason Maxwell Elementary asked us to speak to their kids about being professional writers last week. So we did.
And the result was nothing short of epic. It was chock full of profound philosophical insights, stunning public speaking skills, and even a death threat or five. Definitely five.

In a 30 minute presentation, we taught the kids all kinds of important things regarding writing. Like how to work together under stress.

We also taught them how to dispose of a dead hooker. Which doesn't really relate to writing, but is just a great life-lesson anyway.

We even taught them how to market yourself as a writer.

We then challenged them to write our next novel for us, because we're in a creative slump and our career is in severe decline.

After our talk, we opened it up to Q and A, where the children had so many questions, like "Why are you here?" and "Why are you drunk?" and "Where can we find the antidote?"

Even after all the kids were dismissed, they wanted us to stick around and goof off with them. So we played football in the gymnasium, and Bryan showed off his best John Elway throw.*

*as thrown by a now-retired, 60 year old John Elway

The pass went to Brandon, who dragged 5 third-graders with him to a touchdown. He then celebrated by spiking the ball in their tiny, disappointed faces.

Brandon was then sent to time out to think about what he'd done.

At that point, the principal realized we were way too big and hairy to be third-graders, and our cover was blown. We were promptly ejected from the premises, Uncle Phil style.

...Okay, kidding aside, we DID talk to Maxwell Elementary, and we told them all about the importance of writing. Not just that, but we showed them just how fun it is, that even as adults we still have a blast writing. And they loved every minute of it. Our original story, to demonstrate the proper use and importance of beginning/middle/end, even got a round of applause from the kids.

The Snake and the Wig

(Beginning) There once was a snake who was sad because he was bald.
(Middle) He met a talking wig that was sad because it had no friends.
(End) So the snake wore the wig, and everyone was happy, because the snake now had hair, and the wig now had a friend. The end.

(A moving story, we know)

Afterwards, we challenged them all to write us a story using the things we taught them, and everyone is incredibly excited at the thought of writing an original story that's going to be seen by two real life authors.

Overall, the presentation was a ton of fun for everyone, and to our fellow writer friends who have often heard that reading is dead... well, don't tell that to these third-graders. You should see just how excited they get over a good book, and many of them were incredibly disappointed to hear that they couldn't (or rather, shouldn't in good conscience) read any of our books... at least until they're much, much older.

In the end, after showing them that reading and writing can make you into literary rock stars like us, we gave a hundred third-graders permission to rock the fuck out.

Because writing will never be dead as long as kids like these are still being taught that reading is pretty damn awesome.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Music: Sondre Lerche (in concert!)
Beer: Big Choice Poblano Stout

Monday, October 13, 2014

(Bath)Room With A View

Between the two of us, we've been inside of (and kicked out of) many homes. And while most of them were reasonably designed, some of them seemed as if they were designed by sadists. Or idiots. Or maybe even idiot sadists. In other words, some had such terrible designs that we've often found ourselves wondering who the hell would build these things and think they'd done a good job?

You see, this all started when Bryan went to a house warming party last weekend. And his friend's new house, which has 3 spacious bedrooms, a 2 car garage, and a finished basement, also has a bathroom with a huge fucking window right next to the toilet. No blinds. No frosted glass. Just a great big open window, where anyone on the east side of the house can see a person's southern most extremities emptying themselves in plain view.

Because who doesn't want the whole neighborhood watching them drain the lizard or drop the kids off at the pool? Howdy neighbor - nice stream you got there!

Bryan's wife has actually made it a point never to use this toilet, opting instead for urinary sepsis, which seems like the lesser of two evils when faced with the prospect of everyone we know having watched her urinate like the world's worst museum exhibit.

If that was my bathroom, I'd either buy another house or pee in a bucket. Maybe that's just me. Or, I guess, board up the window. There's that too. But regardless, what a terrible design.

And speaking of terrible window designs, how about the living room that faces directly into the evening sun? Because just after dinner, as the sun starts to set and your average American family sits down to watch some TV, who doesn't love getting their retinas scalded by fiery hot sunlight? And forget drawing the blinds. We all know those are practically useless in this situation.


And the only thing worse than having to watch me pee is having to clean up my exploded optic stems.

Another great design fail that I see a lot of in my neighborhood is what I'd like to call Balcony Jr. See, you'll have a gigantic two or three story house, with a balcony on the top level. But there's only one problem - the balcony itself is maybe 3 feet by 3 feet. Just enough for someone to walk out and stand on... and nothing more. What the hell is the point of this balcony? So you can have a one plant garden? So you can sunbathe while standing up? A midget's smoking lounge?

It looks like one of those Disney princess balconies, where they open the door and address their kingdom.

If you can find a better use for a midget balcony than airing out your coin purse, I'd like to hear it.

And lastly, let's not forget a wonderfully awful design that's a part of Brandon's own home - because what's the perfect accompaniment to a beer for the shower? How about a window for the shower? Yes, that's right, you're going to need to take a beer or two with you if you shower in Brandon's bathroom, because there's a nice big window right next to you!

Also featured in this bathroom: incredibly low shower head, because apparently the first homeowner was 4 feet tall. Which makes your shower all the more ridiculous as the entire neighborhood watches you.

Brings new meaning to "neighborhood watch," amirite?

(And okay, in all fairness, the window only leads out to the backyard. But still, the way his dogs look at me as I lather myself... it's uncomfortable)

Also, as an honorable mention: the honeymoon suite that Brandon and his new bride rushed off to post-wedding, which had an open bathroom. And by that we mean no walls, no door, just pure bathroom, leading out into the open bedroom. Because who doesn't want to look out from the comfort of their bed to catch glimpse of their bethrothed taking a massive dump?

(We'll spare you the mental anguish of turning this into a comic and let you just picture that one in your head... you're welcome)

So, did we miss any? What other awful home designs have you guys seen?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Music: Seekae
Beer: Ballast Point Big Eye

Monday, October 6, 2014

Section 8: The Neighbors You Never Knew You Loved! (Government Subsidized Lousing)

Brandon lives in a pretty sweet neighborhood in Denver. He's close to downtown, has a nice big back yard, and even has a dumpster big enough to house all of his expired beer cans. But the best part of all? His neighbors are amazing. Especially the occupants of the one single house that's government subsidized.

For those who don't know, a Section 8 house is when a homeowner gets paid money by the government to rent his or her house out to low income families. And one of those houses resides right next to Brandon's, which is fantastic for him, because it's always full of such caring, high quality people.

The house itself is easy to spot, because it's the only one on the block that has a nice, busy yard like this one.

And the tenants that come and go, man are they some classy, upstanding citizens that really add a lot to the community. They promote exemplary respect of the local legal statutes, no matter how big or small.

And really, who doesn't love living next to people that chain up illegally kept pit bulls in their backyard all day? Leashes and obedience training and regular feedings are for pussies, anyway.

Besides, these upstanding citizens don't have time or money to feed their dogs, because they have to feed their housemates. You see, Brandon's neighbors are true humanitarians. Not only do they get to live in a nice clean house for next to nothing, but they're always willing to welcome friends and family members in need with open arms. Which is why there's literally a dozen people living in that teeny two-bedroom house, making obnoxiously loud noise at all times of day AND night.

Because just like the broken liquor bottles they love heaving over into Brandon's yard at 2 in the morning, two bedrooms and drunken shouting is something to be shared with all.

And they don't just take great care of themselves, they take great care of the neighborhood, too. In fact, they inspire the most amazing renovation projects. Like pointing out the dangerous frailty of Brandon's fence.

It's just awesome coming home to your fence completely destroyed, with the neighbor nowhere to be found because he's getting his car fixed at the repair shop before the police can see it, even though half of his tail light and chunks of his bumper are still in your own yard.

And the best part of all about living next door to government subsidized housing? There's no need to complain about anything. Ever. Because there's nobody to complain to. When Brandon's fence posts got unexpectedly relocated by the neighbor's careening jalopy, he learned the true beauty of sharing a property line with public housing: irresponsibility isn't just a lifestyle; it's an institution.

Living next to these folks is a true exercise in humility. Some humans in this world cruise through life with the accountability of a bowling ball. Their attitude, IQ, and total worth are about the same too. And sometimes, just sometimes, a person is lucky enough to get them for a neighbor.

Now if you'll excuse us, we have to spend the rest of the week fixing Brandon's fence on his own dime. And to the kindhearted people in the Section 8 house, thank you, so much, for allowing Brandon this amazing DIY experience!

For your next project, perhaps you can destroy his garage? That's been needing a touch up for a while anyway.

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

Beer: Breckenridge Barleywine Batch #1
Music: The Kooks (in concert, bitches!)

Monday, September 29, 2014

Introducing Mr. And Mrs. Meyers

Hey guys. So... we're not posting this week. Not a real post, anyway. We've been way too busy. Doing what, you ask? Well, unless you live under a rock or are new here (since we've been yakking about it a ton lately), we were both working hard on this...

Center left: Brandon. Center: Reverend Bryan. Behind them: the light of the heavens shining down upon them both.

Yep, Brandon got married. And what an adventure it was.

The bride tried to escape, so we had to have her father forcefully wrestle her down the aisle. Not pictured: his taser.

Bryan said some words that made people laugh, and then passionately read a poem that made people laugh and cry. Then by using his magic powers he transformed the bride and groom into a married couple instead of just a boring single one, thereby making Heidi stuck with Brandon for the rest of her natural life.

She promptly retaliated by eating his face.

Then they went inside and ate cake and drank an ungodly amount of alcohol and the bride and groom put their dance lessons to use, in which they cut a rug so epically that the venue is keeping their damage deposit and the rug is seeking counseling.

There was laughter. There were tears. Bryan was told by many that it was the best service they've ever seen, with a few people asking for his services at other upcoming weddings. Maybe he has a future calling as a reverend... nah. His favorite compliment, from a kooky old guy: "Son, that was the best damn wedding ceremony I've ever seen. And I'm old as shit, so you know I've been to plenty."

Overall, it was a damn good time, and Mr. and Mrs. Brandon could not be happier... to have the damn thing over with, so life can get back to normal.

It took over 2 hours to unpack and assemble Brandon and Heidi to get them ready for the wedding. Elbows and genitals sold separately.

Bryan and Mrs. Bryan tired and sweaty as hell after tearing it up on the dance floor. Not properly pictured because of crappy lighting - Mrs. Bryan's awesome purple hair.

Brandon wildly attacking the paparazzi that swarmed the reception.

The great Reverend Bryan, on the way there, channeling his inner Ray Donovan with that sweet hand-me-down suit.

...Except he didn't get to sodomize a black kid with a huge pistol.

Maybe that'll happen at the next wedding he performs.

Stay tuned for a next week when we returned to your regularly scheduled awesomeness and comical idiocy.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Monday, September 22, 2014

I Now Pronounce You Drunk And Ashamed

Hey guys, Bryan here. This upcoming weekend, September the 27th, I'll be performing not just a wedding, but THE wedding, because I'll be playing the part of reverend as my brother-from-another-mother and fellow co-author Brandon weds his beautiful bride and takes the giant leap from boy into man. Or at the very least hairy man-child.

But there's been some concern over me being reverend, since I write comedy for a living. There's a thought that maybe instead of getting up there and taking things seriously I'll go out of my way to do something silly or ridiculous. And that Brandon, as my co-author and partner in comedic crime, will only encourage me.

So today I'd like to take a break from our usual hijinks and share for you all the speech I've crafted for Brandon's wedding... with love, and kindness, and great care.

As you can see I'm going to get really sentimental right out the gate. And after Handgelina and Handrew make up, I'm gonna lay it on thick with the love crap. But I'm gonna do it uniquely, because everyone talks about love at a wedding, and they always do it in such a fruity, boring manner. No, I'm gonna talk about the birds and the bees type of love, even if it takes a drink or six to sum up the courage to discuss it.

And then just when their black little hearts have melted into a sickly puddle of amorphous love-goo I'm going to use some killer symbolism. Because people love symbolism at weddings, and what's more symbolic than a ring?

So of course I'm going to have to recite Matthew McConaughey's speech from True Detective on time being a flat circle.

And after that, while everyone in attendance is doubled over in tears (from the awesomeness of the ceremony, I can only assume) I'm just gonna drop the mic and walk out. And the next day I'll send Brandon and his new bride my $1,000 "guest appearance" bill, because surely they knew I wasn't doing this for free, right?

So in the end, I would say to wish me luck, but I don't need it... because I'm gonna hit this one out of the damn park.

Cheers and stay classy, nerds,
The Great Reverend B

Beer: Deschutes Mirror Pond
Music: Flight Facilities

P.S. For the next week Indie Writers Monthly is holding a flash fiction contest where you submit a 200 word or less horror story for a chance to win some awesome books. As Indie horror writers, we're planning to enter, and if you like to write horror, you should consider jumping in the pool with us - like a real pool, it's fun for everyone and definitely not full of our pee.

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