Monday, May 15, 2017

Monday, May 1, 2017

Being a Girl On the Internet Is Hard When You're a 33 Year Old Man

I have to tell you guys, as a man that runs a pop star's social media accounts, I put up with a lot of stupid people. And creepy people. Except, people isn't quite the right word, because it's always dudes.


Many of them are complete idiots. And because of that, part of my job is to help guide these stupid, slobbering mouthbreathers, in the hopes that they'll somehow check out Pop Star's music. A real exercise in futility.

Take, for example, a recent instance in which she collaborated with this top influencer on Instagram (who we'll call Sex Idiot, because Instagram is not a smart place), and he's known best for dancing around shirtless. Like I said, Sex Idiot. Well, Sex Idiot uploaded a video of him dancing to Pop Star's newest song, Koinz, as a way to spread her music to all of his followers.

So, in case you were wondering, half of my job is now explaining to stupid people basic information that was in front of them the whole time.

And it really takes everything in my power not to reply to them, "Gee, why didn't someone add that much needed information to the description? Or add it to the lyrics of the song? Or add it to the post itself? It's like this girl doesn't even WANT to sell songs!" But I can't. I just have to cheerfully tell them the song name, and then assume that someone so stupid they can't even discern the name of a song that's all over a post will somehow go to a digital music store (without getting run over by a truck - yes, it's digital, but these are VERY stupid people) and buy that song.

Spoiler alert: it doesn't happen. But I have to at least try.

Sadly, though, that's not the worst of what I deal with. No, it's definitely the creepers.

If you made your way through that without cringing yourself into a seizure, congratulations. You're stronger than most, probably an Internet veteran, and it should crush your soul to learn that you've become completely desensitized to this kind of creepiness. Good job.

The amount of creepy messages that Pop Star gets could fill an album, and do keep in mind that Pop Star has made it her goal never to dress slutty as a cheap way to get Likes. And yet, for all of that, she can post fully clothed pictures of herself with completely innocent captions and STILL receive digital disgustingness from complete strangers, who for some reason think that the 33 year old man running her social media account would love a free dick pic as a 'thank you' for being attractive to them.

Seriously, she could upload a picture of her elbow and these creepers would still make it weird.

So now that I've been a woman on the Internet, I concede to you ladies out there - being a woman on the Internet is absolutely awful. I have no idea how you do it.

I mean, I couldn't imagine just posting to my Instagram account as a man and getting that kind of response from women.

Women on the Internet... how the hell do you put up with this bullshit?

Cheers and stay classy, friends
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Neon Indian
Beer: Dust Bowl Taco Truck Lager