Thursday, April 20, 2017

100% True Facts About Legalized Marijuana in Colorado That Are True

Today is 4/20, the toker's holiday, and since the devil's lettuce is legal here in Colorado, we thought we'd take some time today and explain to all of you the effects that this legalization has had on us native Coloradans. See, most people who don't live here can't even begin to imagine how much things have changed since we've legalized Lucifer's lavender, but Colorado is practically a cloudy, bloodshot dystopia full of zombie-like stoners just bumping into each other clumsily as they look to score their next hit.

100% true facts about marijuana legalization in Colorado

1) The air is now completely unbreathable.

You see this?

This totally isn't a picture of the pollution in China that we stole off of Google Images. No, this is a picture that one of us snapped of Denver just by stepping outside today. Ever since the rapper's romaine was legalized, the air quality in Colorado has been downgraded from Moderate to Cheech and Chong Afterparty.

The contact high is so severe that people who step outdoors for more than 1 hour at a time are 100% more likely to contract the giggles and 200% more likely to actually find an Adam Sandler movie amusing.

2) Crime has gone up 8,000,000%.

Your eyes do not deceive you (unless you're high, in which case they might - that dragon isn't really here. Just ignore him and keep reading the post. Eye on the prize, champ). Crime has truly gone up this much in Colorado. You see, research has shown that smoking just a single puff of jazz cabbage can result in a life of crime. Those D.A.R.E. programs we all were forced to take as kids? They weren't lying.

3) Tourists now outnumber people 10 to 1.

You see this?

This is absolutely not a picture of an overcrowded train in India that we pilfered from Google Images. No, this is a picture that we snapped at the Denver Light Rail station to show you just how many droves of people are coming to Colorado for the sole purpose of getting giggly on Buddha's baked begonias.

You see, people in other cities literally have zero access to Satan's shrub, which is why Colorado is now an overpopulated stoner mecca, and in only a matter of months this is what the city of Denver is likely to look like.

4) Overdose deaths have tripled.

Prior to the legalization of Beelzebub's broccoli, deaths as a direct result of choking on the dark prince's tube root were at zero. But then immediately following legalization, deaths doubled. This year alone, deaths have tripled... because 0 x 3 still = 0.

Dude, math is crazy when you're high.

5) Meth use has sky-rocketed.

As we all know, Hitler's hibiscus is the gateway to meth and black tar heroin. That's just a scientific fact. So we can't say anyone was surprised when meth use across the state began to run rampant. Meth labs now outnumber dispensaries, and the police refuse to do anything about it, because they're also on meth.

Hell, we don't even smoke the Antichrist's asparagus, and we're both on meth right now.


6) Cancer has actually been cured.

You might think the effect of legalization has all been negative, but there is one positive to all of this.

If you've ever listened to an old burnout hippie, the kind that has dreadlocks on the lower half of his bald head and lives out of a van that's older than we are, then you know that smoking the fornicator's flower can actually cure cancer. Well, this is 100% true.

Cancer rates are down to an all time low of zero, now that we've discovered how the THC in the devil's dandelion has been scientifically programmed to fight cancer cells. Take that, Big Pharma!

It's just crazy to think how much life has changed ever since we legalized Satan's spinach. Just remember: anyone who says that day-to-day life hasn't changed at all and that everything is pretty much the same as it was before legalization, if not better, is probably stoned out of their gourds on Krampus's collard greens and also definitely on meth.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Music: Skylar Spence
Beer: Odell Runoff Red IPA

Monday, April 3, 2017


Hey kids. Today's post isn't meant to incite political outrage on one side or another or stir up some kind of incendiary debate, because there's plenty of that already on... well, any other website on the Internet. Frankly, we don't give a shit if you hate Donald Trump with a passion or if you have a major hard-on for him and want to pump out his orange, fish-lipped babies. We just want you to ask yourself, do you have those opinions because you researched the facts yourself and drew your own conclusions, or do you have those opinions because the TV and/or the Internet told you to have them, based on "facts" they presented to you?

(We would have said newspapers, too, but nobody reads those anymore. What is this, 1920?)

Cheers and stay informed, friends,

See you again on the 20th for an epic 4/20 post!