Monday, December 4, 2017

The Great December Talkbox

December is here, and boy am I refreshed and relaxed after hosting my entire family over Thanksgiving.


LOL JK, I'm actually one-crusty-plate-left-in-a-bathroom away from snapping like a twig and unleashing the seven hells upon this world in a path of destruction that Kim Jong Un's fat, swollen brain can't even fathom.

Which means I'm still busy, and likely to be even busier during December than I was in the last 2 weeks. Work. Birthdays. More time with family. Plus, there's another holiday coming up (something about a barn baby and a fat man that breaks into your house). Also, I'm still working on my huge, insanely ambitious project, which I plan to finally announce on January 1st*.

*Note: for those who asked, it's not another book. I'd feel like a complete asshole if I put this much hype into just writing another book, which is neither insane nor highly ambitious.

Thus my lack of color today. And lack of a real subject. I've got nothing to really talk about. So instead, while I keep slugging along on setting up this project, I'd rather just talk to you.

Yeah, you. I mean, it beats trying to talk to random people on the Internet.





And I don't know if chatrooms even exist anymore, being as how it's not 1998, but I'm too scared to find one of those. Too many weirdos.





So for now, I'm limiting myself to comment boxes, where Godwin's law hopefully does not apply. I may not be posting a whole lot for this month, but I'll be around. Drop me a comment or two. Stay in touch. Tell me what you're doing. Give me a fun fact. Tell me a joke. Or let me know if you're working on any epic, insanely ambitious projects of your own.

I'll be back with a quick post around Christmas, in which I'll share this year's Christmas card. I'm hoping it's even better than last year's gem.

So... what's new?

Cheers and stay talkative, friends,
Bryan

Music: Trevor Something
Beer: Modelo Negra





Monday, November 20, 2017

Thanksgiving Staycation





1 year later, and I still don't understand why we continue to punish ourselves so severely at Thanksgiving dinner by eating mass quantities of generic and often poorly cooked food.

Wait, what's this, some kind of rerun? Maybe. Well, not if you're new here.

Right now at this time of prescheduled posting there's approximately 7 family members, 5 dogs, and 2 cats all being crammed together into one small house (mine), as we ready for the most Mexican Thanksgiving possible. Over the next week and a half I expect to be cooking spicy foods, yelling spicy words, eating spicy dishes, and any combination of the three at once.

Like I said, Mexican.

That means I've got no time for this blogging thing right now, or for visiting blog friends. I'm sure you understand. So no comments today. I can't respond to them, anyway. Feel free to stalk me on Twitter in the meanwhile. I'll probably say something stupid there. It's become a bit of a habit.

So have a great Thanksgiving if you're into that kind of thing. And if you're not, eat way too much food with your family anyway. It's still a good time, and the sedation makes it harder for them to yell.

I'll see you in December. Maybe I'll finally even let you in on that crazy project I'm working on.

Cheers and stay thankful, friends,
Bryan

Beer: Lagunitas IPA
Music: Eli Filosov

Monday, November 6, 2017

Monday, October 30, 2017

#34 - The Trick is to Treat Yourself


Just remember: it's not embarrassing to dress up in a costume past the age of 30 as long as you get free candy out of it.

It's either that or keep taking the free candy they leave out in glass dishes at upscale establishments, but I think Wells Fargo is starting to catch on that I have no desire to open a checking account.

Have a Happy Halloween, if you're into that kind of thing.


Monday, October 16, 2017

#33 - Another Hole in the Wall


I'm sure some of you have been wondering over the past few months where Brandon has been and why I just won't shut the hell up.

Well, you might think he's too busy being a father with a newborn baby like some kind of responsible adult, but the truth is that a 400 lb mulleted shebeast sat on him, he was sucked up, comically, into the planetary pull of her nethercheeks, and now he's living in rural Iowa as a morbidly obese woman's hemorrhoid donut.

Or maybe it's just that first thing.

I'm still here, though, and in coming months I'm beyond excited to share some of the big new projects I'm working on, which are insanely ambitious and probably sound ridiculous, but I don't want to be that guy who turns (insert oldish sounding age here) and wonders what could have been. Wonders why I didn't take more risks and try something batshit crazy.

Stay tuned. The hype is real.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Music: Canadian Summer
Beer: Victory HopDevil


Monday, October 2, 2017

Don't Sit Out on Standing Up for Kneeling






Yay, football season is here, and like everything else in this godawful culture of ours, politics has infected it.

Now, before anyone jumps down our dickholes about free speech or not caring about what's going on in the world, this isn't about that at all. Everyone - giant gorillas that get concussions for a living, included - is entitled to their opinion about world events. We wouldn't want to live in a country where people that voice their opinions get carted off to jail by the thought police.

We're just sick of politics infecting everything. Late night comedy shows are all political now (and poor Jimmy Fallon even had to apologize and make changes in his show for NOT being political). Awards shows are all political now. Sitcoms are political. And the NFL is now political, too.

For all those outlets, it's well within their rights if they want to be political. And no, that doesn't mean we're angry closet Republicans. Plain and simple, this is about entertainment. We watch comedy and sports games because they're an escape from the everyday bullshit of life. For us, it's exhausting to wind down after a long day of being angry at the world... by being angry at the world some more. It's counterproductive.

Sometimes it's good to be mad at the world and to fight back, sure. But sometimes it's also nice to just shut up and relax and escape all of the bullshit, even if that escape is nothing more than watching 300 lb. men throw a ball around and fall on each other for 3 hours.

SHAMELESS FUTUREPLUG: This is actually the topic of my WIP solo novel, The Escape Artist, about a guy who lives in his own head and tries to escape reality, quite literally, and is soon in danger of becoming lost forever. See, I get that it's a delicate balance. We all need an escape sometimes. It's important to help us relax. Too much or too little can be detrimental to your health.

For us, football has always been an escape. Now that it's no longer an escape, we have no desire to watch it.

So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go escape in a video game... and just pray that Super Mario doesn't spend the first 30 minutes lecturing me on white privilege in America.

Cheers and stay entertained, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Panama
Beer: Left Hand Oktoberfest


Monday, September 18, 2017

What Makes a Millennial Tick










What's up with those crazy millennials, amirite guys? They are just the worst and/or best depending on who we're pandering to. And what is a millennial, anyway?

Oh, wait, we're millennials?

Well, that's weird. Anyhoo, hope you guys learned something. Or not.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Beer: Some crappy IPA you'd hate
Music: Some awful hipster band that sounds like ear rape


Monday, August 21, 2017

The National Nazi Epidemic of 2017

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a very special A Beer for the Shower press conference. We present to you the President... of this blog. Along with another guy. Who is also the President. We share.

Don't overthink this.