Monday, May 23, 2016

#09 - Bored Housewives in YOUR Area



Today I celebrate my 5th wedding anniversary. It makes me happy, because I couldn't possibly love her more (even though each year I somehow do), but it also makes me feel old as hell. Where does all the time go?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go be groomed like a chimpanzee.
(Why the hell do you women love picking and popping zits so much?)

~Bryan


Monday, May 16, 2016

The Idiot's Guide to Spring Cleaning

We are now well into spring, and you know what that means. Crippling allergies, hordes of aggressive insects, and white people thinking flip flops are acceptable footwear? Absolutely! But also, that means it's time for Spring Cleaning™, aka the one day a year that people clean house from top to bottom because apparently they don't clean their houses any other time of year. And don't let our slovenly appearances fool you; we are masters of cleanliness.

So today we're going to take you through how you too can scrub the filth, toss out the junk, and rid yourself of useless clutter. Except, we're not talking about your physical home. We're talking about your digital home. So let's learn how to clean house and get your social media looking sparkly-new!

1) Rid your home of all toxins.

With election season upon us, toxins are everywhere, so be sure to toss out anything and everything that's toxic in nature. Namely, toss out the people that love to post angry, ignorant political rants.


And in case you're wondering, we're not talking about Republican toxins specifically. The Democrat toxins are just as dangerous. So if things like "libtard" and "conservatard" and "Dumbocrat" and "Republic*nt" are of frequent use in your digital lingo, then chances are good that you yourself are a toxin just waiting to be stomped out (digitally, of course).

2) Scrub your junk.

No, we're not talking about your fiddly bits, we're talking about the junk that's probably been cluttering your digital house for way too long. People posting news that's clearly fake, scientific studies rooted in pure bullshit, and chain letters about Facebook soon charging users unless you copy and paste some stupid status are all junk that you should definitely rid your life of.


3) Cleanse your house of viruses.

Viruses spread quickly, especially if they're in chain letter form, meaning that one of the best ways to keep from getting violently ill is to cleanse all of the viruses before they can spread and become full blown cancer. And by cancer, of course, we mean the people that post that guilt-tripping, religious pass-it-on bullshit.


4) Disinfect the dirty laundry.

Your Facebook is most likely covered in filthy, disgusting heaps of dirty laundry, often coming from that trashy man or woman who's barely an acquaintance but whom you now know every detail of their lives because they share all of it publicly. All of it. Specifically, the negative, and even more specifically, the negative about their husband/wife. You may think that you can wash dirty laundry, but you can't. You should just simply disinfect by tossing out the person directly attached to it.


So in case you haven't caught on, we're talking about cleaning up your Facebook friends list. Getting rid of the people that post horrible, stupid things is a great habit that you should get into at least once a year. We just did ours, and we've never felt less disappointed by humanity!

Because hey, even though we've only got 17 friends between the 2 of us now, at least our Facebook feeds aren't cluttered with IQ-point-shattering dumbfuckery.

Any other good social media cleaning tips?

Cheers and stay clean, friends,
B&B

Music: Roosevelt
Beer: Breckenridge Avalanche Ale

(P.S. For the 4 people wondering about our upcoming novel, Tuck Watley: Freedom Fighter Fighter, there's been a delay in the print version beyond our control, and so we'll be releasing him into the wild in June. Stay tuned!)


Monday, May 2, 2016

B&B's Magic Time Machine

If you're wondering why we didn't post 2 weeks ago (and you're probably not) it's not because we're lazy or uninspired or being held hostage in someone's murder basement. No, it's because we accidentally learned how to shred the space-time continuum and launch ourselves forward into the future, and all of this without a proper time machine.

We know what you're thinking. How can you two time travel? You're both idiots. Well, A) yes we may be idiots, but B) we have no follow up to that because we're idiots. You see, we can't describe it, but we both have the uncanny ability to propel time forward and leave behind entire weeks at a time.

So yes, that's the idiot's way of saying we've both been incredibly busy with things that aren't the blog or writing. Brandon, for example, spent the entire month of April selling his house while simultaneously trying to buy another, in a process that was about as simple and pain free and stress free as an emergency root canal. But on the bright side, he'll soon be moving into a better house.


Bryan, meanwhile, was sentenced to jury duty, and spent hours figuring out how best to get out of it, only to find out they didn't need him.


On top of that, we both have day jobs that keep us super busy. Brandon just inherited his family business, which is booming. And Bryan has the strangest, most interesting job that eventually he'll get to tell you about, but for now just gets to tease. He is the Social Media Manager for an up-and-coming pop star who wants to be the next Britney Spears. So, I'm sorry in advance, because if she does make it, that's partly my fault.

Some of my duties include:

~Managing and promoting her social media accounts
~Shaping her public image
~Proof-reading and tweaking pretty much anything she writes/posts
~Crisis handling

And yes, she really wants to be the new Britney Spears. That means, of course, that I'm working equally hard to make sure she doesn't become this Britney Spears.


Or this Britney Spears.


And all of that doesn't even include our writing.

Together (and outside of adult responsibilities), the two of us have been working on a few cool new things here and there, but we have not been writing nearly as much as we've wanted to. Part of that was waiting way too long for a response on our current novel, which we wanted to try getting published traditionally.

We'll spare you the details, but we had to fire our agent. In fact, because of it she's actually decided to no longer be an agent at all. We fired her that hard. If you've been following us for a while, you'll know this isn't the first agent we've fired. But we don't wish anything bad upon her, and we wish her well in whatever she does next with her life.


It's not all bad, though. That means we can get back to doing what we want to do, on our terms. It also means that Brandon put together this killer cover, and we're happy to announce that our next novel, Tuck Watley: Freedom Fighter Fighter will be released on May 16th so his hilariously awesome story can stop gathering dust in a drawer.


Tag line: a lowly government phone tapper must infringe the rights of everyone around him to protect us all... from ourselves.

So... that's what we've been up to. What the hell have you been up to?

Cheers and stay busy, friends,
B&B

Music: Two Door Cinema Club
Beer: Breck IPA