Friday, January 15, 2016

Food Poisoning: The Poor Man's Sexy Diet

Food poisoning is the absolute worst. It's not just because your insides liquefy and then missile launch from your body at every which angle, but because if you're like either of us - foodies - then food poisoning means that chances are good you've just been hurt badly... by something you love dearly.

And there's nothing worse than suffering a food miscarriage at the hands of something you love. Hey, I don't recall ordering the botulism! Who put salmonella on this? I distinctly remember asking them to hold the norovirus!

The result, of course, is a few days' worth of The Supermodel's Diet®, in which you evacuate every last molecule of food and liquid you've ever had upon ingesting even the slightest bit of anything. And since you can't eat or drink anything without projectile vomiting it like a busted fire hydrant, it's a great way to lose weight. Bryan lost 6 lbs in 2 days thanks to a bad chicken wing or two, thereby making this the sexiest illness he's ever had. He didn't even need to lose 6 lbs. How's that for a killer before/after testimonial?

The weirdest thing about food poisoning, of course, is that it can come from nearly anything, and you can't really see it coming... unless you're blatantly eating out of a dumpster that's sitting out directly in the scalding hot sun behind a dollar scoop Chinese place*. The source doesn't necessarily have to be a greasy burrito or a poorly cooked chicken wing. It can even come from something as harmless and stupid as a salad.

*pro tip: don't do that

In Communist Russia, plant waters you

If you don't think kale is evil, just remember that in addition to tasting awful, it can also murder you slowly from the inside.

Food poisoning can even taint foods we once loved forever, eternally turning them into something in which the very thought of said food makes us throw up in our mouths a little, almost as if to give you a small sample of what's to come, should you eat or drink this intestinal violator ever again.

And really, if you spend 3 solid days glued to the toilet from various ends, then no one can blame you for never wanting to eat that food again.

The other side of that, however, is if your palate is somehow willing to forgive its digestional rapist. If you can somehow find it in your heart to go back to the very food that scarred you, both emotionally and intestinally. It's like a jilted lover trying to take back the person that crushed their heart into a black, bloody paste. Do you go back? Should you go back?

No one said we humans were smart. But in the end, our reasoning is this: if we're going to get food poisoning, which we all invariably get at some point or another, we'd rather get it from something we love than something we don't. So don't skimp out on the chicken wings or the burritos or the overeasy eggs for fear of food poisoning. Like a good game of Russian roulette, food-borne illness is likely to hit you at some point in your life anyway. Might as well just roll with it.

Plus, you know, free weight loss. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Beer: Upslope Thai IPA (gotta keep hydrated)
Music: Washed Out (also the current state of my insides)

Monday, January 4, 2016

Changes A-Brewin'

Some people have New Years resolutions. This year we have blog resolutions. We always want to bring you the best, so we're changing a few things. We actually wanted to do that today, but, uh, Bryan, aka our comic drawer extraordinaire, is currently dealing with some nasty food poisoning, so he's doing a lot of this...

and not a lot of this.

But change is coming for 2016, and it's all for the better.

1. Full scale (bigger, better) blog posts on the 1st and the 15th of the month, with a single panel comic strip cushioned nicely between each.
2. Less copy/paste cartoons.
3. More intensive artwork. Real illustrations, like a real comic (go figure).
4. More funny. Each joke guaranteed to be 20% funnier or your money back.
5. More writing (we didn't get to do much of that in 2015).

These things take a lot of time to put together/draw, so we think this schedule will help us give the best amount of high quality output we can while not being a ghost town between posts. So... stay tooned.

No comments today. Save your words for the 15th. Shit's about to get real.