Monday, February 15, 2016

How to Comment on the Internet Without Looking Like a Complete Dumbass

If there's one thing we know about people, it's that they'll fight about and over anything. Literally anything, as evidenced by the fact that we have such wonderfully inspiring tales of humanity as 'men kill couple for Facebook defriending' or 'man kills own mother for not buying Avril Lavigne tickets' or 'girl kills other girl over farts' (we didn't want you ladies feeling excluded).

People will fight over anything, any time, anywhere. Even on the Internet. Make that especially on the Internet.

Let us put this in perspective for you. The other day Bryan was on Facebook and saw a poll in which it was asked what was better, waffles or pancakes. And people were actually FIGHTING in the comments section. Like, viciously ripping each other to shreds over anything and everything.

...Over a question about fucking BREAKFAST FOODS.

So since the Internet is clearly in need of a severe etiquette lesson, today we're going to walk you through the dos and don'ts of Internet commenting and replying.


Scenario #1: Someone said something you disagree with on the Internet.
Don't: Respond.
Do: Shut the fuck up.

Remember: not everyone has to agree with you, no matter how crazy their beliefs and opinions are compared to yours. But more importantly, nothing you say will make someone on the Internet suddenly agree with you, so why bother wasting an entire day trading verbal blows? Do you honestly think this ever happens?

No, not in the real world. So stop wasting your time and just shut up.

Scenario #2: Someone said something derogatory or offensive on the Internet.
Don't: Engage them.
Do: Shut the fuck up.

We know how it goes - you see someone saying something particularly nasty or messed up and you want to be the savior of the Internet, dashing in on your white steed to slay the evil troll... but unfortunately that's not the way it works. Most trolls don't really care what you have to say (and if anything, enjoy drawing out your anger), and at the end of a day-long comment battle all you've managed to gain is a few more points of blood pressure. Just let it go. The best way to defeat a troll is to ignore them completely.

Scenario #3: Someone is complaining about something on the Internet, when there are much, much worse problems going on in the world.

Don't: Say anything.
Instead: Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, there are a lot of terrible things in this world, but people are still allowed to complain. Let them. They have every right to do so. This also goes along with someone pointing out a cool or interesting luxury item, and someone else then feeling the need to complain about poverty/homelessness/world hunger and scorning people for spending $300 on a hoverboard that doesn't even hover when they could donate it to starving, thirsty infants in third world countries or whatever.

News flash: no one cares. No, not about the dying children, about the whining. If you want to change the world and fight poverty, go volunteer at a soup kitchen and make a difference. Otherwise? Leave it the hell alone. Whining achieves nothing. Besides, we all splurge and buy ourselves something special from time to time, because life would be boring if we never treated ourselves to anything. So please, just shut the fuck up.

Scenario #4: Someone said something that was incorrect on the Internet.

Don't: Correct them.
Do: Shut the fuck up.

That doesn't matter. People that argue on the Internet don't want things like facts or logic. How else do you explain people in the year 2016 still thinking vaccines give you autism or that the earth is flat or that shape shifting lizard-people live among us?

The 87 paragraph-long comments that you strung together over the span of 2 and a half days say otherwise. We promise you, this never looks cool. Ever.

The only thing that arguing with someone on the Internet proves is that you have way too much time on your hands. So please, don't waste hours upon hours of your precious life squabbling with some incompetent dumbass who's not even gonna change their mind anyway. Stop whining to random strangers. Don't pick long-winded fights over disagreements of opinion, especially now that election season is upon us.

Please, just shut the fuck up.

And in case anyone's wondering, the correct answer to the poll question above is waffles. Anyone with half a brain knows that (kidding... maybe).

Cheers and stay silent, friends,
-Bryan (Brandon is moving and took the week off)

Music: Simon & Garfunkel
Beer: Breckenridge Agave Wheat

Monday, February 8, 2016

#02 - I Am Now Old and Out of Touch

*Translation: When your close friends would like to have fun, but your significant other wants to engage in intercourse at home, and you are attempting to do your best, but she is much too inebriated to reciprocate and you are highly confused by this unfortunate turn of events that have left all parties greatly unsatisfied.

Oh, and cheers to our Denver Broncos for bringing home the Lombardi trophy and doing, well, this.

Monday, February 1, 2016

I'm All Man, Baby

Hey guys! Time for another crazy but true story in the life of Bryan.

So the other day I was on Facebook (clearly my first mistake) when I saw one of those 'People You Might Know' things. And sure enough, I saw a people I knowed. But I didn't know from where. The name didn't ring a bell, but the face looked really familiar... I just couldn't quite remember who it was.

After browsing the profile I realized that it was a girl I used to go out with, but what I saw made my jaw drop hard enough to give me whiplash.

But first... some back story here.

Once upon a time ago I took up online dating, and met a few crazies along the way. Or maybe a considerable amount of crazy. Or maybe a whole clown car full of crazy. But then I met Ellen, who wasn't traditionally my type, but she also wasn't crazy. On top of that, she was intelligent, polite, and well read. And let me tell you, being well read is hard to come by these days. A ton of girls have "I love curling up with a good book!" and "I'm an avid reader!" on their dating profile, when all they really mean is "I read Fifty Shades of Grey once because I heard it was porn." In fact, a good many of them are so illiterate I'm amazed they can even manage to fill out the profile.

That joke also works with Twilight, The Hunger Games, and anything by James Patterson.

So anyway, Ellen and I met up for coffee, and she was not what I was expecting... physically. She was the tiniest person I've ever met, standing about 4'10 and weighing all of 95 lbs soaking wet. I felt like a giant standing next to her. She also had the longest, straightest, blondest hair I've ever seen. It went down all the way to her legs, and it was her pride and joy. As she told me, she had to brush it for at least 30 minutes to an hour every single day, like some kind of Disney princess.

Aside from books, we didn't have a lot in common. She wanted to be a lawyer, whereas I want to stay as far away from lawyers as humanly possible. She liked death metal, whereas I prefer my eardrums intact. She was a Pisces, whereas I don't give a shit about horoscopes. On top of that, she wasn't very talkative. But we gave things a chance, and slowly over time she began to open up to me.

I thought I'd be happy for her to finally be able to open up, but all she did was uncork a little bit of weirdness.

And she was kinda hoping I would volunteer as tribute. Then shortly after that she released the floodgate of weirdness.

I stopped talking to her shortly after that, not just because I promised I wouldn't give a woman The Raccoon* until I was married (I assumed that's what she was into), but because the connection wasn't really there and she liked me a lot more than I liked her, so I didn't want to lead her on.

*You give her two black eyes and then knock her trash cans over on the way out

So, you might ask, why is this even worth mentioning? And why did seeing her pop up on my Facebook make my jaw drop?

Because Ellen is a man now.

Ellen, who has some videos linked to her Facebook profile so as to answer all of my WTF questions, has apparently always felt like she was supposed to be a man, so she chopped off her Disney princess hair, went on testosterone, and started working out. Ellen is now legally named Steve (why not the obvious 'Allen' I don't know, but hey, not my call), and Steve is a self proclaimed gay guy who looks a little too much like a mini Justin Bieber (only MUCH more manly... obviously).

And really, I did not see that coming, especially from someone under 5 feet tall, under 100 lbs, who once had hair that most women only dream of. But maybe those were the signs, right? Having shimmery, extra long hair and wanting to be pregnant just to feel like a woman? And now I can't help but wonder if what she was into in the bedroom that was 'really weird' is related to this. Who knows?

All I know is that it blew my mind, and I considered not even posting about it because it's such a sensitive topic. I mean, how can I make light of this situation without the angry social justice warriors of the Internet digitally gangbanging me for being bigoted or transphobic or lactose intolerant or all of the other big words they don't understand how to use properly?

But hey, I'm not judging. I wish Steve all the happiness in the world. I just think the whole thing is a trip.

And so that's the story of how I once dated a man who looks like Justin Bieber.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Beer: Aspen Blonde
Music: City and Colour