Monday, May 25, 2015

The Which A Beer For The Shower Character Are You Quiz

If you've ever been on Facebook, then you're probably familiar with those idiotically inane Buzzfeed quizzes that people love to take, and post, and share. Quizzes like "Which Brady Bunch Character Are You?" and "What Type of Flower Are You?" and "Which Norwegian Fishing Vessel Are You?" They're all full of dumb, arbitrary questions that have nothing to do with anything, leading to an answer that never makes sense, and all you have to do is fork over every piece of personal information you've ever had. What's not to love?

So today we decided to create our own quiz!

Seeing as how Brandon was once a Psychology-major undergrad, and Bryan once read a book on relationship advice (and made it half way through), let us assure you we're totally qualified to present this to you. It's simple. Just answer each of the ten multiple choice questions, add up the number of a,b, and c answers you gave, and voila! You'll then know which ABFTS character is your spirit animal. Or whatever this stupid quiz is about.

1. What is your favorite shape of cheese?
a. Wheel
b. Slice
c. Confetti

2. Do you prefer cats or dogs?
a. Cats
b. Dogs
c. A cat-dog hybrid, but with two anuses and no faces.

3. How many drinks, on average, do you consume on a night out?
a. I don't drink. Alcohol rots the mind.
b. I haven't blacked out in like, at least a week.
c. How many drinks are there in a liter?

4. Have you ever killed a man?
a. Yup, killt him good.
b. Heavens no! I only wounded him.
c. I didn't kill a man, per se.

5. Have you ever read a "banned book?"
a. Censorship is my middle name.
b. Really, Marie is my middle name, but yes, I've never read a "banned book."
c. I don't know how to read, but chose this answer (like all previous questions) because I approve of the fun half-moon shape of the letter 'C'.

6.  How often do you engage in a display of public mastication?
a. Only when small children are around.
b. My parole officer says I can't, but that hasn't stopped me yet, has it?
c. I totally knew that word meant 'eating', I'm just shy about public acts of digestion.

7. What is your favorite color of person?
a. A burnt kind of puce.
b. A taupish mauve.
c. Does it matter? They all taste the same on the inside.

8. We're no strangers to love. You know the rules, and so do I. What will you never do to us?
a. Give us up.
b. Let us down.
c. Run around and desert us.

9. Who farted?
a. He who smelt it dealt it.
b. He who denied it supplied it.
c. Like everything else in this country, I blame Obama.

10. What's your favorite part of the opposite sex?
a. The placenta.
b. The wenis.
c. Does it matter? They all taste the same on the inside.

Alright, so add up your total. If you picked mostly As, then you're a Brandon. If you picked mostly Bs, then you're a Bryan. And if you picked mostly Cs, then you're a freakish hybrid mashup of the two of us, raised in a test tube, spliced together like some cruel act of God, and brought forth into this world screaming and begging for the sweet release that is death. And if you didn't answer a single question but instead chose to eat a patch of grass, then you're Peggy Sue the Retarded Break Dancing Goat. Or something like that.

So please share all of your personal information your results below! ...Or don't! We don't really give a shit. Even our own results don't make sense and we created this quiz.

So fess up, Internet friends. Do you take these inane Facebook quizzes?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Music: Rick Astley
Beer: Deschutes Mirror Pond

Monday, May 18, 2015

A Wine for the John

Once upon a time ago you guys asked us a ton of questions. Every other week we make an attempt at answering them. Questions are answered randomly, so if you asked a question but we haven't gotten to it yet... worry not, we'll get there. We just want to make sure and give the best answers we can. So... time to learn more than you ever wanted to know about us. Onward!

Jeff Bushman: What would life be like for you if you were chicks? Brianna and Brendalina? What would you write about then? Do you think your blog could possibly be as hysterical as it is now? Would it have a new title such as A Candle for the Bathtub?

Easy. We can answer all of that in one comic.

Sure, we'd each have a rockin' pair of bewbs and a few ovaries rattlin' around in our bodies, but blog life wouldn't be all that different for Brenda and Bryanna, and we'd like to think that we'd be just as funny as we are now. The level of funny isn't dictated by what you've got between your legs. And to prove that, all of today's comics will feature our new female personas.

So welcome to A Wine for the John, where after a hard, agonizing day, sometimes it's just nice to lock yourself in the bathroom and drown your sorrows in a cheap bottle of wine or three... just so long as you don't literally drown yourself in your tub.

Dixie: I was wondering about your water activities. Do you swim? Ski? Pontoon? Canoe? Tubing Parasail? (And, no, I don't need to know about bathing... we know you shower with a beer!)

Brandon: I was on the high school swim team a long time ago and do still swim occasionally for exercise. It's much easier on my ego now that my only competition is a pool full of geriatric women doing aquatarobics. I feel like an Olympic god in the water now. Also, I grew up with plenty 'o' redneck friends and have done my share of hillbilly water sportsing.
Bryan: Can I just say that "I was wondering about your water activities" is probably the best conversation starter I've ever heard? I think I'm gonna use that one at my next family gathering. So... I actually can't swim. At all. I sink like a stone and the water terrifies me. I could probably manage to drown in the bathtub if I tried hard enough. I have gone whitewater rafting, though, because the river is only about 3 feet tall. Anything over that is off limits and likely full of sharks and killer octopus and death. Or so I tell myself.

Mayor Gia: Hmm....what's your most embarrassing guilty pleasure? I'm really looking for embarrassing here. Not "I spend too much time watching my cat do stupid things." Everyone does that. More like "When I'm all alone I put on my comfy pjs and binge watch dance moms and read erotic harry potter fanfiction" embarrassing.

Brandon: I enjoy M. Night Shyamalan movies.
Bryan: Sometimes, when I'm alone, I wrap myself up in a sleeping bag and lather butter all over myself and slide around the kitchen floor pretending I'm a slug. Actually, I just wanted to sound different. My embarrassing guilty pleasure is also movie related. I love Jason Statham action movies. I know they're ridiculous and idiotic. I know I'm going to watch him do something stupid like jump start his own heart with a car battery or deflect a rocket with a pizza pan but I don't care. Logic be damned. I love every stupid moment of it.

Bouncin' Barb: What is your wife's biggest pet peeve about you?

Brandon: I frequently put almost-empty boxes/bottles of things back in the cupboard and refrigerator. And I refuse to change.
Bryan: Oh, this is easy. I am a trail of crumbs. If you want to know where I am at any given time, just follow the crumbs. Apparently my mouth just sucks at chewing, or I eat like a slack jawed mongoloid, or I crush everything I eat with my brutish hands, because I drop crumbs like Michael J. Fox drops quarters at a car wash.

Gayathri: 1) are you bored by non creative people? Are your wives and friends also creative people? Do you find yourself judging all the mundane folk out there with boring accountant or IT jobs?

Brandon: I'm only really bored by boring people. And internet videos that are non-cat-related. None of our friends are the creative sort, thankfully. Not to be a dick, but a lot of artistic types tend to drive me nuts with their pretentious bullshit.
Bryan: Amen. I know we have dickish moments, but I hope neither of us comes across as that particular kind of arrogant douche, because it's annoying as hell. Writing is hard, but so is being an accountant and balancing people's finances. Their job isn't any less interesting or important than ours just because they speak in numbers and we speak in words. Besides, if everyone's creative, then no one's creative. And that in itself is boring. We both love when people come up to us and say, "Wow, I just read (insert book here) and it was so imaginative. How did you ever think up something like that?" That sure beats, "Nice story, but I could think of a hundred better ways to have ended it, you lazy, unoriginal hacks. And yes, I do want fries with that."

Gayathri: 2) if you were forced to study something as abstract as microbiology or engineering or if you had to work a terribly boring job, how would you work your way around it? How would you still manage to be the amazing writers that you are? A simpler way to put this question would be how would you balance between the things you want to do and the things you have no choice but to do?

Brandon: Until we can sell our souls like James Patterson (and people willingly buy them), you just described what we call daily life.
Bryan: I worked in IT for 10 years before I quit my job to write full time, and even now, I'm busier than I ever was with a 40 hour a week job. I wish it was as simple as wake up, write the next great American novel, drink beer, write some more, sleep... but life isn't like that. It's chock full of things we have no choice but to do. It's all about time management and making the best of the writing time you have.

Gayathri: 3) your worst boss? Or the teacher you hated the most? The story surrounding that person.

Brandon: I had an elementary school teacher who once asked me to "stop writing all those made-up stories and write something useful during English period." To her, I now write my most poignant, simple, and attenuated philosophy: Fuck you.
Bryan: Well, since he already covered teacher, I'll tell you about my worst boss. Who was actually the CEO of the company. He was a cheap, elderly man who didn't even understand how computers worked... and so naturally he liked to run the IT department. He once joked that I was so good I could run our entire department singlehandedly... So he fired our entire department and had me do the job of five people. And did I mention he was cheap? Our Christmas bonus was a dollar store card with a five dollar bill in it. He then held a pledge drive to raise money for his grandchildren's Christmas presents at which point the fives were all taken back. Mind you, as the CEO he was most likely worth millions.

Gayathri: 4) we know a lot of people you hate, so someone you admire? And why you admire that person?

Brandon: I admire Stan Lee. Even if his many creative babies have been bastardized and pimped beyond all recognition, he was an innovator in his time and remains one of my biggest influences. And I met him once and he was a hell of a nice guy.
Bryan: I admire M. Night Shyamalan. He keeps making bad movie after bad movie after bad movie, and yet still, no matter how much people hate him for it, he keeps putting out bad movies. You have to admire his dedication, even if you can't admire anything else.

Gayathri: 5) I'm asking way too many questions, but your opinions on YouTubers/vloggers? And also would you ever make vlogs?

Brandon: I make axes, munitions, and horror stories. Some people make vlogs. Everyone needs a hobby.
Bryan: I have no problems with vlogs themselves. I have a problem with 90% of the vlogs on YouTube being pure shit. The ones that are good, though, are good because those people have a particular talent for vlogging. Staring and talking into a camera for 10 minutes is not our particular talent. We'd rather write killer novels and stupid cartoons that make us laugh.

Gayathri: 6) your favorite people on the Internet?

Brandon: Magneto. I'll bet Magneto is a total troll.
Bryan: I think you misspelled "c-a-t-s" as "p-e-o-p-l-e," but I won't hold that against you. My favorite cats are Keyboard Cat (God rest his kitty soul), Nyan Cat, and Longcat. Everyone else on the Internet is a troll or a pervert. Sometimes both. In fact, now that we've made ourselves into women for this post, we eagerly await perverted responses from random browsers that don't realize we're actually two dudes.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Music: B.B. King (The Thrill Has Gone)
Wine: Brancott Sauv. Blanc

Monday, May 11, 2015

Let's All Shame The Word Shaming

As writers, we know that words are always changing and evolving, sometimes for the better, often for the worse. And we know that in the age of the Internet it's happening faster than you and bae can take a selfie that's on fleek.

Today we want to talk to you about a word that's been taking angry Internet amoebas by storm lately: "shaming." A word that's changed so much and been beaten to death so much over the past year or two that it's almost lost all meaning. Now, most of you probably know it as 'to cause someone to feel ashamed', but for those of you wondering what it means now, we have the actual dictionary definition pasted below.

See, once upon a time ago, shaming meant bullying. But now it's being used everywhere for everything, as a way of inserting politically correct bullshit where it doesn't belong. And since the word itself apparently just wasn't specific enough, there are now subsects of shaming. Like, there's "fat-shaming." Which initially started as a term for rudely and needlessly bullying heavyset people... but now just means that you can't say anything about an overweight person at all. Even if it's a medical fact.

That term evolved (devolved?) into "body-shaming." Now, no one can say anything about anyone's body at all without someone getting wildly offended, no matter what size or shape you are. And it doesn't matter if you aren't even a part of the goddamned conversation to begin with.

Now even just being proud of your own body makes you an asshole. You have the discipline to work out every day? You eat healthy, even when everyone else around you is eating a greasy burger? And after 5 years of hard work you want to show off a picture of your body via social media with an inspiring message?

Well, now that makes you a huge douchebag, because clearly your underlying message was that fat people are disgusting lumps of human excrement and you should spit on them. How dare you, you condescending, fat-shaming prick.

Oh, but wait, there's more!

There's also "slut-shaming", which once meant unjustly criticizing a woman for being sexual, but now means that no one can poke fun at or criticize any aspect of a woman's sex life, even jokingly, without being labeled a chauvinistic, sexist asshole. There's "gender-shaming", which means that if you give a boy a G.I. Joe you also have to give him a Barbie doll so you don't "force" him to act like a boy against his will (which also makes you an asshole), and there's even "kid-shaming", where parents can no longer take any disciplinary action toward their child whatsoever without getting called cruel and heartless and implying that the kid is going to end up some psychologically damaged, emotional trainwreck.

Don't get us wrong, we don't think it's acceptable to bully someone or be a dick to certain groups of people, but how about we stop using the word "shame" to describe any slight form of criticism or opinion that conflicts with our own? Or do we all want to live in a world where we have to constantly walk on eggshells over the slightest thing?

I mean, surely this is just the beginning. Maybe in the near future dietitians and nutritionists will be known as "calorie-shamers." Perhaps fashion designers will be known as "style-shamers" and psychologists will be known as "mental health-shamers." Hell, maybe the judicial system and the media will even be criticized for "crime-shaming."

So please, stop shaming humanity by abusing this stupid word. Save it for the times that someone's truly getting bullied or persecuted. Don't use it just because someone disagrees with you or points out a flaw or, God forbid, is proud of something in their own life. Shaming people shamelessly is just a damn shame.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Music: The Knocks
Beer: Blue Moon Summer Honey Wheat

(Stay tuned for next week when we answer more of your questions. In case you haven't noticed, we're alternating each week with answers and regular posts so you don't get sick of them. Or us)

Monday, May 4, 2015

Answering Questions Without Pants While Being Trapped In The Refrigerator (For Science!)

A while back we asked you guys to ask us anything. Instead, you asked us everything. And we've answered a few of your questions. Then a few more. Well, today we're answering a few more. So let's get down to it.

Ethan: As professional married writers, who both clearly have the respect of hundreds of readers and usually command a high level of decency and respect within each weekly posting.......

Would you rather sleep with your wife's body knowing Brandon/Bryan's mind was inside or Bryan/Brandon's body knowing that they had your wife's mind?

Bryan: You know, I'm not a big fan of hair sweaters. My cohort, while a fantastic guy, has the sex-appeal of an orphanage fire to me. It just wouldn't happen. So unfortunately, I'd probably have to say his mind inside my wife's body. But I'd be sure and drug him up good so he wouldn't know what was happening. And no eye contact. Never eye contact.

Brandon: I actually agree with all of that... and I don't know how I feel about that. Regardless, I think we can both agree that this is a horrible scenario, and no one wins in either case. Thank God such a thing can't happen. As pseudo-brothers and writing partners, we make it a habit not to mix business and pleasure. Or cross swords. We're proud to say we're not even Eskimo brothers.

Michael D'Agostino: Your house catches on fire. What's the one thing you grab before running and sobbing like children?

Brandon: Seeing as how my wife has possession of my testicles at all times, I'd make sure and ask her to grab them for me so they don't get lost or burnt in the fire.
Bryan: Well, as a self-employed, full time writer, I keep everything in "the cloud," meaning everything I've ever written is safe and backed up online no matter how badly my computers get burned. But... as a self-employed, full time writer, I also spend a lot of my time around the house in my underwear. So the first thing I'd grab before running outside is a pair of pants. The last thing I need to lose is my house AND my dignity.

Pickleope: Have you ever pooped your pants, and if not, pooped in an uncomfortable place?

Brandon: Self-pooping isn't ringing a bell for either of us (not recently anyway) but the strangest place I've ever had to leave a dump is on the side of a mountain while hiking. Some people leave piles of rocks to mark their paths through the woods. And others...they use piles of manscat.
Bryan: I can proudly say that I've made it 31 years without making Kanye* in my pants.

*that's a reference to him being a huge turd, and I hope the term catches on. Tell your friends!

However, since you still want a fun story, I can tell you that one time I visited a relative's house - a very obese relative - and I had to pee. Well, his toilet was the most disgustingly disheveled monument to rectal torture I've ever seen. "It" was everywhere. "It" was even on the lid, which of course was closed. So rather than touching that and giving myself The Oregon Trail*, I whizzed in the sink. Fucked up, I know, but that was truly the least of that bathroom's problems.

*"You have died of dysentery"

Larry: I have thought long and hard about what to ask you...and I am going with: Does the light stay on after you close the refrigerator door?

Fantastic question! We want to know the answer too, so to find out, we each took a week off of work to run a myriad of expensive, time intensive tests devoted purely to the refrigerator light. We tried opening it with bare hands, with a pulley system, with a rocket propelled thruster, but nothing was fast enough to catch whether the light had come on or had always been on.

So in the interest of science we dove in head first. Literally.

In retrospect, that was probably something we could have just Googled. But at least you have your answer! Totally worth it.

Working Dan: If I were to test the limits of the Indiana law and smoke weed freely claiming it as my religious practice, would you pay my bail, and if need be, pay my lawyer expenses if this experiment failed?

Dan, we would be happy to bail you out... in spirit. Because we have no money. But we assure you, once you serve your time we'll be waiting for you right outside of the Indiana state prison, where we'll have a gay pizza joint cater for you the finest, gayest pizza party that $15 in nickels can buy. To celebrate religious tolerance. Or freedom. Or pizza. Whatever.

Jenny Pearson: If you had to choose between losing one of your senses, which would it be, and why?

Both of us: Having been born and raised in the same cowtown, we can both tell you that we would easily give up our sense of smell. Probably even willingly. The other senses would be devastating to lose - not being able to touch our wives, not being able to taste a nice craft beer, not being able to see our books in print, not being able to hear sweet, hipstery Indie rock... but we can do without smelling cowshit, and hay, and B.O. (often all at once where we come from). Hell, if we lacked a sense of smell, maybe we'd visit home more often.

Adam: When Ted Cruz wins the Republican nomination for President, should Justin Bieber be his running mate?

Brandon: Weird, I didn't think Ted Cruz liked lesbians.
Bryan: I thought Justin Bieber was too busy teaching Floyd Mayweather to read. You know, when he's not trying to be the next Paul Walker.

Lauren Farrow: Why do guys see everything through sex colored glasses and can they be happy this way? For instance, what if you start to date the hottest girl in the world but as you continue to date her you realize her personality is as ugly as you thought mobility scooter girl looked? Would you still date her because she was super hot?

Both of us: It's because those metaphorical man-glasses have been stained since puberty by substances that shouldn't be named in public. Yes, the stupider of our brethren can be very happy this way. Ignoramus is bliss and all that. But God no, neither of us could have ever been happy with one of those soulless, idiotic trophy wife types.

A nice rack and a pretty face just can't make up for a shitty personality. Besides, looks fade, but bitchiness (and stupidity) is forever.

And who the hell wants to date/marry someone if you have to outlaw speaking?

Lauren Farrow: When you have a beer in the shower is it just Bryan and Brandon in the shower or are the wives there, too?

Both of us: Like George Thorogood always said: "When I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself." And that goes for when we're buck naked and covered in suds too. We do a lot of things together, but showering is not one of them. And showering with a spouse sounds fun and romantic until you remember that you're essentially sharing a soaped up phone booth with another person, and what starts as "I'm just trying to reach the shampoo, watch out" leads to elbows flying everywhere, an inadvertent black eye, and naked twister that's not nearly so fun when someone's dropped the soap.

Our advice? Save the romance for the bedroom. Showers are only for cleaning, for thinking, and for drinking.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Music: Sigur Ros
Beer: Lagunitas Sucks