Monday, March 30, 2015

Ask Us Anything!

Welcome to the new and improved, shiny and breast-augmented A Beer for the Shower! We are Brandon and Bryan, and we are here to make you laugh.

...But not today.

Today we're stealing taking a cue from Reddit and having our very own AMA (Ask Me Anything). But since there's two of us, we're making this one an AUA (Ask Us Anything). The premise is simple; you ask us anything this week, and we'll answer you next week... with pictures!

Example questions:

Q: Did you always want to be writers?
Bryan: I wanted to be a firetruck when I was little (I was a stupid child), but since that's technically impossible I settled on Plan B which was "be an author."

Q: Why does mommy cry when daddy drinks?
Brandon: Because you touch yourself at night.

Q: What's the secret to life?
Both of us: Don't be a dickhead.

So ask us anything you've ever wanted to know. It can be ridiculous, it can be serious, it can be fun, it can be professional (you know, writing-related stuff). It can be whatever the hell you want. So get going. Drop us a comment below (anonymous comments welcome) by Sunday, April 5th, ask us whatever the hell you want, and next week Monday we'll answer all of your questions... complete with illustrations.


Monday, March 23, 2015

If This Short Bus Is A Rockin' (Adventures in Online Dating Part 2)

Hey all. Today we're continuing our seemingly popular and much asked about Adventures in Online Dating Series (because who doesn't love laughing at other people's failures in dating?). And so, as is the usual, we're going to explore two more oddballs that Bryan met in his dating life...

Except, today Brandon will be making an honorable mention. Because he actually has a hilarious dating story from way back in the day when he met up with a girl he met on MySpace (it feels like that should have been a sign...).

They traded a few messages. She looked stunning in her profile pictures. They agreed to meet up for a date. But when he got there... well, let's just say she was not exactly as advertised.

Yes, this girl, who had sneakily photographed herself with her main chin pushed out (so as to hide the other three) and only from the cleavage above, looked deceptively thin on social media. Except in person she was incredibly overweight. Which is BS for two reasons.

1) False advertising. I mean, come on, man. It's not like Brandon listed himself as 6'4 and built like a beefy, bronze god, only to show up with his just under 6 foot tall, thin ass.

2) We've got nothing against a lady with some meat on her bones. Curvy is sexy. This girl was not curvy. She was not slightly overweight. She was "one-step-away-from-having-to-drive-a-mobility-scooter" morbidly obese.

Which really makes the deception all the more impressive. But still, that seems like something you should let someone know before you meet them. Needless to say, the date was a complete and utter trainwreck, but Brandon, ever the gentleman, awkwardly finished the date for the sake of being nice. He did not talk to her again after that.

Now... that wasn't the only case of false advertising in the online dating world, and his cohort here wasn't quite the gentleman. You see, I (Bryan) experienced this as well, in my date with a girl we'll call Edna. Now, Edna also looked nice in her profile pictures. But there was something slightly... off about her. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I mean, she seemed normal enough. Looked normal enough.

But as we hit it off and got closer to meeting, she started acting like she had something to share, and yet she didn't quite want to spill the beans.

That should have been a red flag. But I figured what the hell, maybe she's just clumsy and self conscious. I could look past that. So we agreed to see a movie. It's a no pressure date, and we didn't really have to talk. We just had to sit there...

Little did I know that's all she would be doing - a whole lot of sitting - because her body wasn't capable of much more than that. I wasn't prepared for what walked through the door. Or should I say... hobbled through the door like a zombie after pressing the handicapped auto-open button.

Edna was more like Special Edna, and had failed to tell me that she was developmentally handicapped. So much so that one of her arms was stuck in permanent 'raptor arm' mode, and her legs tried to go in completely different directions whenever she walked.

But she was still highly functional. Think Forrest Gump. Or Walter White Jr. Which was why we hit it off online. But here's the thing. I've never wanted to fuck Forrest Gump. Or Walter White Jr.

And as with Brandon's date, I feel like this was something that should have been mentioned to me before I spent an hour looking like someone's caregiver. She needed help with everything. But above all, it was terrible because she really, really liked me. During the movie, she kept staring at me and licking her lips. And giving me "the eyes of love."

Or I guess maybe just "the eye" of love. I don't know what the hell that other one was looking at. And she kept kissing me on the cheek an uncomfortable amount of times.*

*that amount of times being anything greater than zero

After about 30 minutes of this, I couldn't take it any more, so I said I had to go to the bathroom... and I got up, and I ran, and I never looked back. Some say that to this very day she's still sitting in that theater, waiting for more 'kissy'. Regardless, I'm just satisfied in knowing that if I ever see her again I can at least outrun her.

And in the end, while many like to slam their exes and say that they used to date someone who's mentally handicapped, I can say that I truly, actually did... and it was fucking awful. I've got nothing but love for those who are developmentally handicapped, but that love does not extend to dating and marriage.

Stay tuned for the next installment (whenever the hell that may be), in which we tell you about the girl who crafted a 2 page-long "demands" list and the girl that wanted to be choked unconscious with a belt!

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Music: Warren Zevon
Beer: Lagunitas Sucks

Monday, March 16, 2015

The Internet Scam: Not Just for Nigerian Princes Anymore

Hey guys. Bryan here, and today I'm shoving Brandon in a broom closet while I team up with the lovely and awesome Robin at Your Daily Dose to talk to you about the evolution of the Internet scam. Which now apparently extends beyond Nigerian princes and British lottery winnings.

Unfortunately, Robin knows about these scams firsthand because her mother fell prey to one, and almost fell prey to a second. But no, these were not promises of greed and ridiculous money. These were... promises of love?

Yes, that's right, e-scammers are now a part of dating sites. It's basically like Catfishing for pay, and here's how it works. To start, a scammer sets up a fake profile on a dating site.

So as you may have guessed, this plays a little bit off of the whole 'fantasy' thing. An older woman is contacted by a much younger, very attractive man who's interested in her. But... it doesn't quite ring like a scam. Not just yet. Because this dude actually talks to her. Actually long-distance dates her. They trade e-mails and constant phone calls and profess their love to one another.

In other words, this man is really, really working hard… at not having to ever work. And probably crossing some personal boundaries the likes of which no man can ever scrub clean from his mind and his soul. But it all comes down to the payoff, which is almost brilliant, really. Because by now the woman is emotionally invested. And he’s ready to make that final move and be with her forever… but only after she gives him every penny she’s ever had for bullshit reasons like owing back taxes or having his money frozen or other such nonsense.

And if the victim says they can’t pay, then the scammer will keep stringing their so-called ‘lover’ along until they DO pay up, because they’re invested for the long haul in this scam.

So remember, kids, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. And that doesn’t just go for princes wanting to unload their fortune and lottery officials looking to pass along millions in lottery winnings… that also goes for that dreamboat/sex goddess that suddenly thinks your old, flabby ass is gold. Because it’s not. They just want your literal gold. 

And let’s face it, if you’re going to pay for it, make sure you’re at least getting… it.

So now that you’re an expert on e-dating scammers (not really), jump on over to Robin’s blog, Your Daily Dose, where we collaborated on an excellent (and illustrated) guide on how to know if you’re the target of a romance scam.

And until next time, anyone else encountered one of these scams? Or had a unique scam thrown their way that wasn’t just your typical prince/lottery e-mail?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Robin (and Brandon, from the closet, which at least has WiFi)

Beer: Colorado Native
Music: Al Stewart

Monday, March 9, 2015

There's No News Like No News

Greetings, lads and ladies of the Internet. Today we have some breaking news for you. Literally, we'd like to discuss the topic of breaking news, just in case any of you jackass kids out there are still thinking of wasting your time on being a Journalism major.

News is about reporting what matters. Like Kim Kardashian changing her hair color. Or a dress being seen as white and gold or blue and black. Or Chris Brown succeeding in breeding. All of which are totally worthy of being front page news and are certainly the most important things going on in the world at the moment.

So if you want to succeed at reporting the news that matters most, we're here to help. You see, there are four types of legitimate news, and today we're going to go over each and tell you exactly what kind of news it takes to get that sweet, front page status.

The first is global affairs, and this one's a slam dunk. All you have to do is take a look at what's trending on Twitter or Facebook and, BAM! - you've got a finger on the pulse of everything critically happening in the world at that very moment. Instant news report!

The second type of news is politics, and this one can be tricky. We find that the key to good political news is taking a politician - any politician, really - and spending hours yelling over one single thing they said. Bonus points if you can take it completely out of context, effectively turning no news into 24 squabble-filled hours of news!

The third type is sports news, and unlike the other types, this one is not for your average journalist. No, this is extremely technical information you're discussing. You have to be well versed in the fine art of sportsing, because like a physical game of chess come to life, there is much to dissect and much to debate in every single sports game that has ever and will ever be played.

And the fourth is weather. Now, some might say that the weather is boring. And it is. Firstly, it helps if it's going to rain or snow, even if it's 300 miles away and less than 1 inch. Use buzzwords like "storm warning" and "atmospheric pressure" and "cold front" to really convey that a small amount of liquid is going to fall from the sky and make the roads damp for at least a couple of hours.

If it's not going to snow or rain, however, you can still spice things up by simultaneously throwing in trending news stories of - you guessed it - things that really, really matter.

But, unfortunately, sometimes news days are just truly slow and nothing happens. No one dies, or splits their pants on camera, or lets the world know what they really think about black people.

So on days like that, if all else fails, just make it up. It worked for Brian Williams.

Now if you'll excuse us, we have to go watch the daily news. Word has it that Justin Bieber got a parking ticket, and we desperately need to know the details of this breaking news story.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Music: Cosby (the band, not the elderly rapist)
Beer: Session Lager