Monday, February 23, 2015

Do-It-Yourself Projects: Sadomasochism Masked as a Hobby

Hey everybody. Bryan here, and I don't know about you guys, but we both are big fans of DIY* projects around the house.

*If you don't know that DIY stands for Do-It-Yourself then chances are good you're either too rich to have to put up with this shit or you just like living in complete shambles

Yep, there's nothing more satisfying than getting your hands dirty and spending an afternoon or three building or repairing something around the house just for the sake of saying you did it yourself.

And who doesn't like being able to say, "I just fixed a major appliance without any adult supervision whatsoever"? Aside from earning the admiration* of your fellow housemates, do-it-yourself work has a slew of other great benefits.

*rolling their eyes so hard their retinas eject

So today we're gonna go over just a few of the reasons why doing it yourself is always the way to go.

1. It costs so much less.

Think about it. Sure, you could pay someone with all of the proper equipment to come over and tackle the job, but that could cost hundreds. Instead, all you need to do is buy a few small tools to get the job done and handle it yourself.

Okay, so you might need a brand new wrench set because you lost the one single wrench size you needed. Or you might need to buy a one-off specialty tool that you'll only ever need for this job and will never use again (that retails at $49.99). Or you might need to buy twice the amount of materials because you fucked it up the first time around.

But really, all you need is a simple trip (or four) to Home Depot and a few hundred dollars worth of tools and materials and you can easily save yourself that few hundred dollars you would have otherwise spent on a repairman.

And really, isn't that all money well spent?

2. You can show off how strong and capable you are.

DIY is my personal way of saying "I don't need no man!" And what better way to celebrate one's sense of self and strength than by thwarting an inanimate object with your own two hands. That old, tiny, rusted over bolt never stood a chance!

3. You can learn valuable life skills.

Half the fun of DIY is learning as you go, and what better way to learn than by just diving in? Between the thousands of conflicting tutorials made by any random jackass on Youtube and the terrible advice friends and family members offer, there's a DIY battle plan for everyone's needs. I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen? Oh, right, you could destroy your car and/or house. But isn't that its own valuable life skill?

"Well, I'll never do THAT again."

4. It's such a time saver.

Yes, you could have someone come over and fix your stuff for you and essentially have a stranger in your house for God only knows how many hours. Or worse, if it's something like your car, you can take it to someone and have them hold it hostage for a few hours. But what they won't tell you is that they always exaggerate and upcharge you for time spent, and if you were to do it yourself, you'd totally be able to do it so much faster than these so-called "professionals" ever would.

Yep, as you can clearly see, the benefits of doing it yourself always outweigh paying someone to do it for you. Any other stubborn jackass DIYers in the house?

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

Music: Benny Goodman
Beer: Ballast Point Even Keel IPA

Monday, February 16, 2015

Nothing Can Save You From... The Others

It isn't really the season for spooky stories, but today that's exactly what we're going to share with you. It's a horror tale for the ages. You see, long ago, when Brandon first met his would-be wife, she was haunted by a presence - a terrible, trashy force that had recently invaded her home and refused to leave.

They were known as "The Others," and they haunted the basement like a mutant tribe of subterranean trailer trash that one would expect to find living on the set of The Hills Have Eyes.

The hauntings were subtle at first. Brandon noticed it slowly, when things like his beer started to go missing from the refrigerator with no real explanation of where it went.

And then came the terrible smells, the ones that finally convinced Brandon something eerie was definitely afoot in his girlfriend's basement.

Slowly and with more regularity, The Others began to venture upstairs, emptying piggy banks for chewing tobacco money and leaving stains and messes throughout the house like any bold poltergeist eventually does.

They requested loans and rent extensions, and instead of paying important things like "bills" they spent every single dime of their paychecks on idiotic things like stacks and stacks of flavored air in a can. No, really, they bought an entire pallet of the stuff, because once you've had Strawberry Green Tea Flavored Air you really can't go back to that boring regular air that stupid plants give off.

So Brandon did what any good child of the eighties would do; he moved on in and channeled his inner Ghostbusters, scaring those nasty moochers off for good.

In the end, The Others left the same way they arrived: in the middle of the night, by way of a dilapidated minivan with an expired United States Terr'rist Hunting permit stuck on the window, and a month of unpaid rent owed. And even if Brandon's now-wife is out some money because of it, it's still worth it just to have them gone once and for all.

Only Satan knows what poor soul that devilish family now haunts, but rest assured, they'll never trouble the Meyers household again.

Anyone else ever been 'haunted' by terrible roommates?

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

Beer: Maker's Mark, because someone stole all the goddamn beer
Music: The Pretty Reckless

Monday, February 9, 2015

Keeping the V in V-Day

If you're like us, you probably don't care much for Valentine's Day. Yes, it's rich in history, and we all know that it commemorates the day that St. Valentine valiantly drove all of those goddamn snakes out of that goddamn plane, but these days it's become so commercialized. Valentine's Day (or Valentime's Day, as it's known to stupid people), is often nothing more than the giving of pricey gifts as a way of staving off bitter divorce for another year.

But it doesn't have to be!

Thanks to the two creative geniuses here at ABftS (aka us) we've compiled some great Valentine's Day gift ideas that are not just inexpensive, but they come from the heart, too! So this year, give your loved one the gift that says "I tried with my heart but not with my wallet, so don't hold that against me, you selfish, ungrateful cow-person."

1) Cook a romantic meal

You don't have to be a gourmet chef to present your loved one with a romantic meal. Or even have to know how to cook at all, for that matter. Ask any master chef what truly counts in a dish, and they'll each tell you the same thing - it's all about the presentation.

2) Do a sexy dance

So you've just served your honey some sick-ass tuna surprise. He or she is still having a taste-gasm. Don't let the magic end there. Instead, let it sloppily travel straight to your hips.

See, if Magic Mike has taught us anything, it's that people will pay money to watch anything as long as that 'anything' has abs. But it's also taught us that an erotic dance is the unisex gift that keeps on giving, as both women AND men love a good lap dance. So this Valentine's Day, don't be afraid to shake those hips and really get your partner in the mood for romance.

3) Offer the clumsily erotic back rub

Okay, you've just laid down some sick moves. Like, Michael Jackson tap dancing on the ceiling sick. Your loved one doth quiver within his or her loins. But you're not done yet, Romeo and/or Juliet. No, you need to start initiating some body contact. Our suggestion: the back rub. Get out that massage oil you don't know how to use and put on way too much. Then start moving your hands around in awkward patterns because you have no idea what you're doing, only to hurt your partner and make your fingers cramp up.

Let loose. Channel that sex appeal straight from your finger bones to their spine muscles. Or whatever's down there. It's not like you have to understand basic human anatomy to make it a massage they'll never forget.

By now you've probably 'sealed the deal', but in case you still need help, we've got one last tip (just the tip); don't forget to do that thing your partner loves in bed. You know, that special thing you do with your tongue and your fingers.

And if that doesn't result in the best Valentine's Day you've ever had, then... you got what you paid for, didn't you?

Cheers and stay sexy, folks,

Beer: Rocket Bike American Lager
Music: Du Tonc

Monday, February 2, 2015

Welcome To Thirty, Now Quiet The Hell Up

It may come as a great shock to many of you that we here at A Beer for the Shower are not, in fact, two 15 year old boys (even though the humor and the artwork would indicate otherwise). That's just the age we stopped mentally progressing. Both of us actually turned 30 last year. And while at first it just seemed like another notch in the rickety headboard of life, we've come to learn that being in your 30s really does bring a lot of unexpected life changes with it. Every cliché you've heard about turning 30 and getting old and boring is sadly... kinda true.

For example, long gone are the days of partying all night while drinking your weight in alcohol. Because once you hit 30, like an alcoholic Cinderella, your body magically shuts down right as the clock strikes 10 p.m.

Being in your 30s means that you take less risks. Phrases like "I'll sleep when I'm dead" are replaced with things like "I don't know, that 7 A.M. safety meeting is probably something I should attend." And instead of bringing weed to parties, people bring their babies (ewww). And instead of leaving your friend's house in shambles and puking in the bath tub and laughing about it later, you spend the night awkwardly washing your friends' dishes so you don't look like 'an asshole,' while your friend sternly says, "Now come on, you don't have to do that; you're a guest here."

God, it's so disgustingly responsible.

And while the two of us are still as immature as can be, we are admittedly decent at being responsible adults. In fact, as the proprietors of a website called A Beer for the Shower, you should be absolutely horrified to hear that we both drink in... moderation. And rather than slamming any 24 pack of Keystone Light we can get our grubby, alcoholic hands on, we drink craft beer... you know, so we can enjoy the flavor notes.

Yeah, that's right, 'flavor notes' is also in our vocabulary. Boom, 30. So is 'party'. As in 'dinner party, y'alls!'

Ah yes, being 20-something was all about showing up unannounced, with booze, and getting into drunken shenanigans all night long. But 30 just isn't 30 unless you're showing up at your friends' houses at a punctual and agreed-upon time, holding food you actually made, while conspiring with your loved one on how long you're going to stay (and if someone needs to potentially fake an illness in order to leave early).

However, being 30 isn't just about prompt bed times and telling "those damn kids" to keep it down and making things like quiche. It's also physical changes - though not the physical changes you're probably thinking. Like, for Brandon, something magical happened to him when he turned 30.

Yes, for our 30+ male readers, let's not forget about "second puberty", wherein you discover that your body hair just wasn't as done claiming territory as you thought it was. On the upshot, hairy fella, you can now grow an excellent beard. On the downside, you are now wearing a permanent sweater to the beach.

As for Bryan, he has his own physical change. You see, right now he's in the best shape of his life... and yet he has no desire to go out and actually do anything with said 'shape.'

Bryan's 30 year old self would kick the ass of his teenage or 20-something self with ease. But if that ass kicking required actually leaving the house and putting on pants, then he would forfeit without question and return to that rousing game of Grand Theft Auto he already started. Because who needs to go out and actually "do things" when you can stay in with a bottle of beer and beat up hookers online while your cat grooms her genitals on the other end of the couch and occasionally makes awkward eye contact with you?

Now THAT'S adventure.

In a nutshell, 30 is this: you can do it... you just don't want to. Apply that to scaling a mountain, staying up all night, or drinking 10 shots of tequila on an empty stomach. Or all of those at once. 30 is saying, "Well, I mean, I COULD do that, but they're REALLY counting on me showing up for that 7 A.M. safety meeting."

And if it hasn't already happened to you, it will soon. And when it does, we expect you to come party with us. Dinner party, that is. Remember: it starts promptly at 7. You bring the tuna casserole and the whimsical 'my baby did the funniest thing while projectile vomiting today' anecdotes, and we'll bring the red wine and the complicated board game that takes half the night to set up and no one ever fully understands the rules. And please, make yourself comfortable... just not TOO comfortable. There's a strict 10 p.m. bed time in this household.

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

Beer: Tivoli Helles Lager
Music: .38 Special