Monday, October 27, 2014

Terrifying Two Sentence Horror Stories For Halloween

A while back on Reddit, some folks started a thread featuring two sentence horror stories. In other words, complete scary stories told in two sentences or less. That thread contained such gems as:

I always thought my cat had a staring problem - she always seemed fixated on my face. Until one day, when I realized that she was always looking just behind me. Hangukbrian

I was having a pleasant dream when what sounded like hammering woke me. After that, I could barely hear the muffled sound of dirt covering the coffin over my own screams. Vigridarena

I can't move, breathe, speak or hear and it's so dark all the time. If I knew it would be this lonely, I would have been cremated instead. Graboid27

Sure, those are mildly unsettling, but as true masters of horror, we figured we'd take our own stab at it. Get it? Stab? Ah yes, that's right, we're only warming up the Halloween scares. Let the true horror begin.

As soon as I turned on my television, the remote control stopped working. The volume was at the maximum level, and Glee was on every channel.

Yes, that's right, that's a jab at American Horror Story officially jumping the shark by having a musical number every goddamn episode and effectively turning itself from "unique, creepy horror series" into "Glee with circus freaks." What's scarier than ghosts, a mental institution, and witches? Turning a horror show into a high school musical.

But alas, this post is about true terror, not West Side Horror Story. Let's explore some more terrifying two sentence stories, shall we?

I went to Youtube and searched "funny cat videos." What returned was a page that said "no results found."

A world where no hilarious cat videos exist? What madness is this?

I'm locked in a room with Bill O'Reilly, Sarah Palin, Bill Maher, Glenn Beck, Al Sharpton, and Sean Hannity. Someone just asked them to discuss their opinions on the president.


I passed quietly in my sleep, surrounded by loved ones, having lived a happy, peaceful life. But when I was reincarnated, I was reborn as Honey Boo Boo's mother's hemorrhoid donut.

If the promise of being smothered by "Mama June's" farts for a lifetime is not enough to scare you into living a good life, then we don't know what is. But oh wait, it gets scarier.

I awoke to the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen administering mouth-to-mouth CPR on me. Before I could thank her for saving my life, she told me she'd just tested positive for Ebola.

OoooOOooooOOOOOooo! Are you scared? We put the fear in fearmongering!

We even wrote a two sentence horror story just for the ladies.

I woke up in bed wearing his fedora, feeling more in love than I ever had in my life. As I ran my hand over his blubbery, hair-carpeted stomach and luscious neckbeard, he grunted, "Good morn, milady."

Oh wait, I guess that would be an equally terrifying story for a man. Maybe even more so. Lastly, we wrote our own personal two sentence horror story, one that was so horrifying it made one of us vomit and the other weep uncontrollably. Those who are squeamish, pregnant, or nursing may want to step into the other room.

After a hard day of blogging, we opened the fridge to grab an ice cold beer. The only beer inside was gluten free.

If you've never had a gluten free beer, it's like Satan pissed in a bottle, drank it, vomited it back into the bottle, and then mixed in Justin Bieber's saliva. Yes, it's that bad.

Now, if that's still not scary enough for you, we've decided to run a special promotion for our horror novelette collection, The Graveyard Shift. All this week the price will be reduced from $5.99 to $1.99 in honor of Halloween. So if you haven't checked it out yet, you should. This is not your typical, run of the mill, slash and gore horror. As one of our personal favorites, this book is an awesome collection of psychological thrillers with dark twists and sickening turns for a price that's hard to beat. And don't take our word for it; this is verified by a slew of amazing reviews from people that are not our mothers.

So click on that stunning cover or the link below and grab it while you can.

The Graveyard Shift - now $1.99!

And until next time, help us out. Give us your best two sentence horror story (funny, scary, or both) in the comments. The best three, as voted by us, will be featured here on the blog next week!

Cheers and stay scary, friends,

Beer: Omission Gluten Free Beer (they omitted the gluten AND the flavor!)
Music: Taylor Swift (or as we like to affectionately call her, T. Swizzle)

^^^ the scares continue even after the post is finished! OOOOOoooooOOOOOoooo...

Monday, October 20, 2014

Brandon and Bryan Expose Themselves to Children in Public

It's true, we've never really been exposed to children, but for some inexplicable reason Maxwell Elementary asked us to speak to their kids about being professional writers last week. So we did.
And the result was nothing short of epic. It was chock full of profound philosophical insights, stunning public speaking skills, and even a death threat or five. Definitely five.

In a 30 minute presentation, we taught the kids all kinds of important things regarding writing. Like how to work together under stress.

We also taught them how to dispose of a dead hooker. Which doesn't really relate to writing, but is just a great life-lesson anyway.

We even taught them how to market yourself as a writer.

We then challenged them to write our next novel for us, because we're in a creative slump and our career is in severe decline.

After our talk, we opened it up to Q and A, where the children had so many questions, like "Why are you here?" and "Why are you drunk?" and "Where can we find the antidote?"

Even after all the kids were dismissed, they wanted us to stick around and goof off with them. So we played football in the gymnasium, and Bryan showed off his best John Elway throw.*

*as thrown by a now-retired, 60 year old John Elway

The pass went to Brandon, who dragged 5 third-graders with him to a touchdown. He then celebrated by spiking the ball in their tiny, disappointed faces.

Brandon was then sent to time out to think about what he'd done.

At that point, the principal realized we were way too big and hairy to be third-graders, and our cover was blown. We were promptly ejected from the premises, Uncle Phil style.

...Okay, kidding aside, we DID talk to Maxwell Elementary, and we told them all about the importance of writing. Not just that, but we showed them just how fun it is, that even as adults we still have a blast writing. And they loved every minute of it. Our original story, to demonstrate the proper use and importance of beginning/middle/end, even got a round of applause from the kids.

The Snake and the Wig

(Beginning) There once was a snake who was sad because he was bald.
(Middle) He met a talking wig that was sad because it had no friends.
(End) So the snake wore the wig, and everyone was happy, because the snake now had hair, and the wig now had a friend. The end.

(A moving story, we know)

Afterwards, we challenged them all to write us a story using the things we taught them, and everyone is incredibly excited at the thought of writing an original story that's going to be seen by two real life authors.

Overall, the presentation was a ton of fun for everyone, and to our fellow writer friends who have often heard that reading is dead... well, don't tell that to these third-graders. You should see just how excited they get over a good book, and many of them were incredibly disappointed to hear that they couldn't (or rather, shouldn't in good conscience) read any of our books... at least until they're much, much older.

In the end, after showing them that reading and writing can make you into literary rock stars like us, we gave a hundred third-graders permission to rock the fuck out.

Because writing will never be dead as long as kids like these are still being taught that reading is pretty damn awesome.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Music: Sondre Lerche (in concert!)
Beer: Big Choice Poblano Stout

Monday, October 13, 2014

(Bath)Room With A View

Between the two of us, we've been inside of (and kicked out of) many homes. And while most of them were reasonably designed, some of them seemed as if they were designed by sadists. Or idiots. Or maybe even idiot sadists. In other words, some had such terrible designs that we've often found ourselves wondering who the hell would build these things and think they'd done a good job?

You see, this all started when Bryan went to a house warming party last weekend. And his friend's new house, which has 3 spacious bedrooms, a 2 car garage, and a finished basement, also has a bathroom with a huge fucking window right next to the toilet. No blinds. No frosted glass. Just a great big open window, where anyone on the east side of the house can see a person's southern most extremities emptying themselves in plain view.

Because who doesn't want the whole neighborhood watching them drain the lizard or drop the kids off at the pool? Howdy neighbor - nice stream you got there!

Bryan's wife has actually made it a point never to use this toilet, opting instead for urinary sepsis, which seems like the lesser of two evils when faced with the prospect of everyone we know having watched her urinate like the world's worst museum exhibit.

If that was my bathroom, I'd either buy another house or pee in a bucket. Maybe that's just me. Or, I guess, board up the window. There's that too. But regardless, what a terrible design.

And speaking of terrible window designs, how about the living room that faces directly into the evening sun? Because just after dinner, as the sun starts to set and your average American family sits down to watch some TV, who doesn't love getting their retinas scalded by fiery hot sunlight? And forget drawing the blinds. We all know those are practically useless in this situation.


And the only thing worse than having to watch me pee is having to clean up my exploded optic stems.

Another great design fail that I see a lot of in my neighborhood is what I'd like to call Balcony Jr. See, you'll have a gigantic two or three story house, with a balcony on the top level. But there's only one problem - the balcony itself is maybe 3 feet by 3 feet. Just enough for someone to walk out and stand on... and nothing more. What the hell is the point of this balcony? So you can have a one plant garden? So you can sunbathe while standing up? A midget's smoking lounge?

It looks like one of those Disney princess balconies, where they open the door and address their kingdom.

If you can find a better use for a midget balcony than airing out your coin purse, I'd like to hear it.

And lastly, let's not forget a wonderfully awful design that's a part of Brandon's own home - because what's the perfect accompaniment to a beer for the shower? How about a window for the shower? Yes, that's right, you're going to need to take a beer or two with you if you shower in Brandon's bathroom, because there's a nice big window right next to you!

Also featured in this bathroom: incredibly low shower head, because apparently the first homeowner was 4 feet tall. Which makes your shower all the more ridiculous as the entire neighborhood watches you.

Brings new meaning to "neighborhood watch," amirite?

(And okay, in all fairness, the window only leads out to the backyard. But still, the way his dogs look at me as I lather myself... it's uncomfortable)

Also, as an honorable mention: the honeymoon suite that Brandon and his new bride rushed off to post-wedding, which had an open bathroom. And by that we mean no walls, no door, just pure bathroom, leading out into the open bedroom. Because who doesn't want to look out from the comfort of their bed to catch glimpse of their bethrothed taking a massive dump?

(We'll spare you the mental anguish of turning this into a comic and let you just picture that one in your head... you're welcome)

So, did we miss any? What other awful home designs have you guys seen?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Music: Seekae
Beer: Ballast Point Big Eye

Monday, October 6, 2014

Section 8: The Neighbors You Never Knew You Loved! (Government Subsidized Lousing)

Brandon lives in a pretty sweet neighborhood in Denver. He's close to downtown, has a nice big back yard, and even has a dumpster big enough to house all of his expired beer cans. But the best part of all? His neighbors are amazing. Especially the occupants of the one single house that's government subsidized.

For those who don't know, a Section 8 house is when a homeowner gets paid money by the government to rent his or her house out to low income families. And one of those houses resides right next to Brandon's, which is fantastic for him, because it's always full of such caring, high quality people.

The house itself is easy to spot, because it's the only one on the block that has a nice, busy yard like this one.

And the tenants that come and go, man are they some classy, upstanding citizens that really add a lot to the community. They promote exemplary respect of the local legal statutes, no matter how big or small.

And really, who doesn't love living next to people that chain up illegally kept pit bulls in their backyard all day? Leashes and obedience training and regular feedings are for pussies, anyway.

Besides, these upstanding citizens don't have time or money to feed their dogs, because they have to feed their housemates. You see, Brandon's neighbors are true humanitarians. Not only do they get to live in a nice clean house for next to nothing, but they're always willing to welcome friends and family members in need with open arms. Which is why there's literally a dozen people living in that teeny two-bedroom house, making obnoxiously loud noise at all times of day AND night.

Because just like the broken liquor bottles they love heaving over into Brandon's yard at 2 in the morning, two bedrooms and drunken shouting is something to be shared with all.

And they don't just take great care of themselves, they take great care of the neighborhood, too. In fact, they inspire the most amazing renovation projects. Like pointing out the dangerous frailty of Brandon's fence.

It's just awesome coming home to your fence completely destroyed, with the neighbor nowhere to be found because he's getting his car fixed at the repair shop before the police can see it, even though half of his tail light and chunks of his bumper are still in your own yard.

And the best part of all about living next door to government subsidized housing? There's no need to complain about anything. Ever. Because there's nobody to complain to. When Brandon's fence posts got unexpectedly relocated by the neighbor's careening jalopy, he learned the true beauty of sharing a property line with public housing: irresponsibility isn't just a lifestyle; it's an institution.

Living next to these folks is a true exercise in humility. Some humans in this world cruise through life with the accountability of a bowling ball. Their attitude, IQ, and total worth are about the same too. And sometimes, just sometimes, a person is lucky enough to get them for a neighbor.

Now if you'll excuse us, we have to spend the rest of the week fixing Brandon's fence on his own dime. And to the kindhearted people in the Section 8 house, thank you, so much, for allowing Brandon this amazing DIY experience!

For your next project, perhaps you can destroy his garage? That's been needing a touch up for a while anyway.

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

Beer: Breckenridge Barleywine Batch #1
Music: The Kooks (in concert, bitches!)