Monday, February 24, 2014

The Amazing Awesomeness of Being Gluten-Free

Good day to you, peoples of the internet. We hope you're all doing well today, or are at least doing a good job of faking it. Today, we'd like to share an outstanding revelation with you. You see, we've been hearing quite a bit about the newest health craze of gluten-free eating, and while Bryan still isn't convinced, Brandon has decided to dive headfirst into the regimen.

Because it's not just a diet. It's a lifestyle.

Things like "saturated fats" and "calories" and "trans fats" are irrelevant. The real enemy of the digestive system is the gluten, and thanks to this new diet (errr, sorry, lifestyle), we can now stop this nasty virus from infiltrating our stomachs altogether.

And the fun doesn't stop there. Gluten-free folks don't have to limit their meals to eating store-bought food at home, because virtually every restaurant has a handy gluten-free menu now. In fact, there are restaurants that are even specifically gluten-free!

So Brandon's been eating gluten-free cheeseburgers and gluten-free fried chicken and gluten-free ice cream cake for weeks and he feels like a million bucks. Not like that hater Bryan, who still isn't sold on the diet. Errr, lifestyle.

And there you have it, folks. One of us is going to go on living a healthier and more productive life despite the fact that his doctor so foolishly never recommended it, and one of us is going to continue eating all that vile, horrible gluten that humans have unbelievably been dumping down their throats for centuries without a single problem.*

*only an estimated 1% of the US population has celiac disease, which is a medical intolerance to gluten

Any gluten-free'rs in the house?

Cheers and stay healthy, folks,

Beer: Apricot Blonde (Dry Dock)
Music: Rezonate

Monday, February 17, 2014

Self-Important Dismissive Disorder

Today we'd like to take a break from our usual humorous ramblings and talk to you about something very serious. There's a new medical disorder that's currently affecting millions of people across the world, and worst of all, they might not even be aware they have it. Today we'd like to shine some light on the devastating affliction known as Self-Important Dismissive Disorder, or SIDD.

Starting from the ears and burrowing through to the brain, this disease is affecting men and women of all ages by tricking them into believing they're more important and more interesting than they have any right to think, leading to extremely lopsided conversations.

Those afflicted by Self-Important Dismissive Disorder are incapable of hearing the thoughts of others, and are only interested in spewing their own thoughts and opinions, which they deem superior. They have something to say about everything, but because their brain is being ravaged by this disease, they don't really care what your input is toward the conversation. They'll often nod and add absent agreement toward anything you say, serving as nothing more than a social placeholder while they ready their next barrage of verbal diarrhea. It's sort of like talking politics with a very opinionated parakeet.

But it's totally not their fault for acting like selfish pricks. No, this is the fault of the disease addling their brains like a very selfish, over-opinionated case of Alzheimer's. And don't be fooled, it IS a disease, just like alcoholism or gambling addiction or affluenza. You see, the disease in question works by enlarging the modules of the brain directly responsible for speech, confidence, and sense of self worth, leading them to viciously attack the listening modules into a bloody, molecular pulp.

Under a microscope, we can see the red Speech molecule and the blue Confidence molecule attacking the poor yellow Listening molecule with sticks and clubs. It's just basic science, people.

So, how can you tell if you or someone you know is suffering from this relentless disease? Here are a few of the most common symptoms:

1. Will often stare into space when you're talking, paying attention to nothing else in the room but their own deep, important thoughts.

2. Will initiate or steer any and all conversations toward themselves, even if what they're saying has nothing to do with the original topic whatsoever.

3. Will often glance down at their cellphone the minute you start talking, as a way of subtly demonstrating that a game of Flappy Bird or an old college buddy's poorly made Facebook meme are clearly more important than anything you might have to say.

4. Will say "yeah," "uh-huh," and "right" to everything you say in hollow agreement, no matter what you say.

So if you know a friend or loved one who suffers from Self-Important Dismissive Disorder, please, set them down and talk to them about it now. Let them know they have nothing to worry about, and tell them they should not feel ashamed or embarrassed for acting like a completely selfish asshole, because they're suffering from an awful (but treatable) disease. Tell them to consult their doctor immediately so that they can be diagnosed and treated.

Or, I guess, don't tell them, since they probably won't hear a damn thing you say anyway.

Do you know anyone being ravaged by this awful disease?

Cheers and stay classy, folks,


Beer: Denver Pale Ale
Music: Murder City Devils


Monday, February 10, 2014

Working Out is Stupid

We're just past the first week of February, and you know what that means? It means that if you're one of the many who made a New Year's resolution to join a gym and (literally) work your ass off, then chances are good that you've already fallen off the wagon and back into that bucket of double brownie fudge ice cream. But that's okay, because we've decided that working out is stupid.

No judgment, guys. You see, both of us work out in one form or another. But it wasn't until our ancient ancestors paid us a visit that we realized just how dumb working out actually is.

See, once upon a time we as humans just worked hard naturally. We hunted and gathered. We walked for miles upon miles, and we lifted the shit out of everything because we didn't have machines to do it for us. It took hours just to get a single meal ready, and then the paltry meat and vegetables we ate barely replenished the calories we exerted gathering them. Needless to say, we were in pretty damn good shape (even if life was kinda miserable).

Flash forward to 2014 and we as humans have gotten pretty lazy. Most of us have desk jobs where the farthest we move is to the refrigerator for some packaged junk food that was assembled for us. In a typical day, no heavy lifting or fighting or killing is involved. Hell, we've heard people complain that they have to lift a 2 lb stack of copy paper.

So those of us who do want to be healthy and fit in this day and age have to resort to something that's, well, kind of ridiculous when you think about it. We simulate the hard work we USED to have to do just to survive. And we look pretty damn stupid doing it.

For example, Bryan likes to lift weights a few times a week.

Yep, just picture him standing in a room with a rubber floor, in a pair of torn up sweat pants, moving a bunch of lead weights around over and over and over, next to a bunch of meatheads who are doing the same thing. If you think about it, that probably looks pretty stupid. And for all that work, I bet he's not even half the size of great ancestor Farmer John, who probably got his jollies by lifting cows.

As for Brandon, he's more of a runner, which is fitting, because so was his ancestor. But does anything look dumber than a grown man in a track suit jogging on a belt-driven hamster wheel?

And for all that running, Brandon probably still couldn't outrun an angry mountain lion. Or even his fat, lazy house cat.* How's that for progress?

*the average house cat can run up to 30 mph

But it's not just running that looks stupid. No, even something cool like fighting looks stupid, too.

Bryan trains MMA. Boxing, jiu jitsu, Muay Thai, etc. And since he doesn't have time to go to his jiu jitsu school every day, he practices a lot of this at home. Just imagine how fucking stupid he looks.

Unlike his ancestor, who had to fight off thieves trying to pillage his farm, the wolves that preyed on his animals, and the skeezy soldier that made eyes at his wife, no one in modern times has to fight on a daily basis. So when we do it for the sake of a work out, well, it probably looks pretty stupid. And truly, if you want to look like a crazy person to all of your neighbors, just punch and kick the air in front of your open bay window for 60 minutes straight.

But that's not even the dumbest-looking of workouts. You want the king of stupid-looking exercises? How about the home video workout?

zumba is stupid

That's right, we're looking at you, Zumba.

So what we're saying is... there's really no way to work out without looking like a complete idiot. But that's okay. We've come a long way since we had to club our own meals to death, and it's pretty much the only way to keep in shape these days. So please, don't let the appearance of stupidity stop you, because the pros far outweigh the cons.

But the next time you work out and do air squats in your living room, in a coffee-stained t-shirt and sweatpants, while a guy in spandex on your TV yells at you... we just hope you think of us and laugh.

Now then, before we go, we're going to forego our typical Bonehead of the Week so that we can end with a little shameless promotion.

First, be sure and check out our guest post today over at our good friend Alex Cavanaugh's. We've offered some very helpful questionable tips on how to be an awesome writer, complete with illustrations that may or may not include graphic violence and projectile vomiting.

And second, we just released a new science fiction novelette called Empirical Evidence on Amazon. It's e-book only, and best of all, from Monday until Wednesday it's completely free. You can even read it directly on if you don't have a Kindle. So go grab it, read it, enjoy it, review it, tell all your friends, etc! And we'll see you here again next week!

Cheers and stay fit, friends,

Music: Neon Indian
Beer: Lake Flacid Nippletop