Monday, December 29, 2014

A Year Full of Shiz

2014 is coming to an end. Hell, as you read this, it might already be 2015. It all went by in the blink of an eye, and it's amazing to think how much happened in the year. Sure, there were things like ISIS and race riots in Ferguson, but today, we're going to take you through the REAL events of 2014. The stuff that really mattered.

Without further ado, ten things that happened in 2014...

1. The World Cup was held, and Americans all across the nation pretended to suddenly give a shit about soccer... until our team was brutally kicked out of the competition and we went back to cheering on "real" football. Or "handegg" as the Brits might lovingly call it. But as Americans ourselves, we prefer the handegg, if only because the action is much more... uh, masculine. And existent.

2. Malaysia Airlines cemented itself as the one airline neither of us will EVER step foot on. "If you absolutely, positively don't ever want to be seen again... fly Malaysia(TM)!"

3. Shia "The Beef" LeBeouf, Macaulay Culkin, and Amanda Bynes all went toe to toe in an epic battle of 'which former child star has gone more batshit insane?' The winner? None of us, because we still have to put up with them. But don't worry, we're sure Jaden and Willow Smith will fend them all off next year.

4. Kim Jong Un, known as the Kim Jong Illest, bested us all by hacking into Sony with the greatest team of hackers a $20 Groupon can buy.

5. Speaking of hacking, we learned that the Apple iCloud probably isn't the best place for celebrities to store all of their nudie pictures. We also learned that naked Kate Upton looks like a refrigerator with cow udders. So please... keep your private pictures locked up extra safe, and Kate, keep the bikini on.

6. Speaking of selfies, 'selfie' was officially added to the dictionary, contributing further to the demise of the English language. It was also turned into some kind of terrible sitcom that no one watched or cared about.

7. Millions of people downloaded and played a mobile phone game called Flappy Bird, where a mentally disabled bird-fish-frog tries to fly through some rip-off Super Mario Bros pipes by you simply tapping your screen. That's it. The creator made millions of dollars off of this, proving time and time again that stupid ideas are worth millions.

And yet our infamous farting animated stick figure gif is still currently worth $0. Maybe that will change in 2015.

8. A man actually killed another man with an atomic wedgie. No, really. What amazing times we live in.

9. Bill Cosby put his 'scoobiddy zip bop' where it didn't belong, turning America's favoritest dad into America's favoritest molester. Who would have ever thought that an old man who wears nothing but ugly sweaters and speaks in complete gibberish is a creep?

bill cosby rape funny

10. We got off our lazy asses and learned to properly draw this year, leading to our most well drawn and most coherent comics ever, such as the hyper-realistic masterpiece below. It's so vivid I bet you can even smell it.

2014 was pretty good, but 2015 is gonna be even better! Expect less lazy, more funny, more comics, and even a book release or two, including the first in our all-new book series about the world's worst NSA agent, who fights terrorism with naive patriotism and sexy idiocy!

What was your favorite event of 2014?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan

Music: Touch Sensitive
Beer: Breckenridge Avalanche

Monday, December 22, 2014

Satan Claus Is Coming To Town

Christmas is a time of magic and celebration, a time for thanks and good cheer. It's not just the season to see your coworkers make awkward passes at one another at the annual office party, but it's the time of year we drag ourselves from the normal, cruel icebox of winter to warm up by the fire with a stein of vodka-laden cider and the company of that drunk uncle that's gonna try so hard to remember all of those racist jokes he learned at the strip club.

We've both had some great Christmas memories across the years, but today we each wanted to share with you our number one fondest Christmas memory.

Brandon's favorite memory:

Christmas Eve was always the most thrilling night of the holidays when I was growing up. Having always had a mild phobia of strange intruders in my home--especially ones driving suspiciously large vehicles and offering gifts--I never quite rested easy in my bed, knowing that Santa would be breaking in at any moment. So I stayed awake, waiting. And although I always seemed to miss him, one year... one dreadful year, I caught the bastard. And I instantly regretted it.

See, come Christmas I was pretty excited to finally meet Santa.

But when I marched downstairs I saw something unspeakably horrific...

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

And at that moment... I knew I had to kill the sumbitch.

I spent the next year meticulously planning his demise. Training my mind AND my body.

(God, I was in such great shape at 6 years old. What happened?)

And 364 days later, when that cheating bastard finally returned, I made sure to give him a Christmas he never forgot...

That was also the Christmas my father spent in the ICU, and the same Christmas that my mother told me Santa wasn't real. But if he's imaginary, then who did I beat up? And so 20-something years later I never actually found whose arms and legs I broke. Dad wasn't there (he was too busy convalescing in a full body cast that day), and Mom doesn't like to talk about it. So I guess we'll never know.

But that day I got the most precious gift of all: the gift of becoming a man.

Bryan's favorite memory:

When I was a kid, Christmas morning was something I dreamed about all December long. Not because of that church crap or my stupid family or some baby that was born (or whatever), but because of the sweet, sweet loot I'd make out with. Yes, Santa always brought me the most delightful presents, and I was never left disappointed. Well, except that one year, when there was a gross miscommunication on my part and it wasn't Santa that came...

And it was the gayest Christmas ever.

To all of our readers, have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hannukah, a Bitchin' Kwanzaa, an awesome day off... whatever the hell you choose to celebrate. Just make sure it's a better day than either of ours was.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Music: Hayden James
Beer: Beer Boy Bryan's Christmas Homebrew

Monday, December 15, 2014

All Hail the Radio Dick Jockey

Some people say that radio is dead. Those people are assholes. The radio is alive and well, and pumping out the future classics as successfully as it ever has, every hour on the hour. When it comes to the whole topic of live radio vs streaming, these young kids seem to think streaming is the future. So today, we want to outline why radio will always reign supreme.

A few of our older fans may remember that back in 2012 we did a radio interview with a fairly popular Internet radio station whose name has been changed in order to protect the innocent cover our asses. They had us on as their guests for the hour, and so we saw firsthand how radio dominates streaming.

Where does radio conquer streaming? Only everywhere. But if you want specifics, we'll give you a list. Starting with...

#1. Commercials - How Else Would I Know McDonald's Has A Value Meal?

Let's face it, too much uninterrupted music gets pretty boring. It's nice to mix it up a bit with long-winded ads for mattress factories and mortgage brokers. Now, streaming may have commercials, but when it comes to unapologetic advertising, radio has streaming beat hands down. In radio, there's a bare minimum of 10 minutes of second-rate McDonald's ads and miracle weight loss pills to every 3 minutes of music. Streaming just can't top that.

#2. DJs - Those Golden Voiced Angels

It's like streaming isn't even trying with this one. They don't even HAVE DJs. And who doesn't want to spend their morning commute listening to the razor sharp wit of "Jimmy and the Doosh-Nozzle," dishing out more lame Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber news than you can handle between enough "zany" sound effects to make Benny Hill roll over in his grave?

And it IS news they're reporting on, people. These guys are practically journalists.

#3. Let's Play This Song Until You Hate It

In streaming, songs are played completely at random, usually tailored to your own liking. But the radio says 'fuck variety!' If the masses say they love a song, then dammit, the radio is going to play that song every hour on the hour until even just the thought of that song's title entering your brain makes you want to rip your own ears off. Hell, turn on the radio right now and I bet you can STILL heard Lorde warbling through the hit song every person on this planet has heard at least 7,000 times, "Royals."

#4. Personal Testimonials - This Product Works For Me Because They Paid Me To Say It Did

We've already touched on commercials and on DJs, but to show you just how great radio is, they've actually combined the two into one amazing feature: the DJ testimonial! Sure, you could hear a quick 30 second ad for a car dealership, but that's weak. Instead, you get the pleasure of hearing a 3 minute testimonial on how your favorite radio DJ went to Glen Tompkin's Kia and Hyundai just off the interstate and was treated like a king, and now he's rolling in the sexiest Kia Accent that $12,000 can buy. That equates to advertising (and radio) gold!

Yes, that's right folks, back in 2012 we were the special hour long guests on a live radio show and by the time they finally got to us that interview was the best 46 seconds we ever had. We answered one question, told one quick anecdote, and plugged one of our books so fast we could probably be voiceover artists for the side effects of prescription medicine.

Let's see music streaming top THAT kind of listening experience.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan

Beer: Deschutes Twilight Ale
Music: Music? We don't have time for music. We're too busy listening to the radio.

Monday, December 8, 2014

For Just $30 (One Dollar A Day) You Too Can Help Save A Struggling Airline

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, Bryan got the privilege of flying to visit family, in which he got to endure the joy that is the airport, where the magical TSA elves help keep us safe with a little cheerful holiday magic.

Okay, so we all know that the airport is an awful, miserable place. But it's all worth it just to hop on that plane and take off on a whimsical journey through the sky...right?

Oh, wait, flying is also pretty miserable. But it's not the airlines' fault. No, you see, those poor, starving mom n pop companies have been hit hard by the economy just like everyone else, and now, the only way that these struggling businesses can even afford to chariot us across the map is by charging we the consumer just a tad bit more for our upscale amenities.

And these poor, endangered airlines are even trying to be creative with their nominal, highly reasonable fees. They've now turned seating into a bit of a game by playing Seat Bingo with their passengers. Sure, you could sit wherever you want, preferably next to your loved ones, but that's boring. So instead, the airline places you wherever the hell they feel like it, and for a very minimal fee of $8 per person you can sit next to your traveling companion(s). Does the fun ever stop?

But still, somehow, even with all of these highly practical, microscopic fees, these airlines continue to suffer. So today we wanted to offer them some tips on ways they could further raise money that would allow these broke, noble businesses their basic human right to remain open so that the highly endangered animal that is the airline never goes extinct.

To do so, we suggest enlisting the help of the very people who have been getting "passengers" to their destination on the cheap for decades: the Mexican coyotajes, aka the Mexican coyotes, those brave souls willing to smuggle people illegally across the border while simultaneously taking from them every possession they've ever had.

So how do we achieve that? With these three simple guidelines.

1) Cut Down Severely On Actual Flying

Want to save some huge coin, airlines? Passengers should no longer be allowed to fly straight through. And no, we're not talking connecting flights. Do you realize how much it costs to actually fly a plane? Hire a pilot? Stock it with food, beverages, and safety equipment? A ton, we're sure! Therefore, we propose that the first 100 miles of your trip be an fun and guided walk toward the next airport one state over.

2) Destination Charges

Taking another cue from Mexican-smuggling coyotes, airlines ought to start charging destination fees. And by that, we mean charging an extra fee just to get to your actual destination.

Hey, don't be such a square. "Ransom" is such an ugly, lawyer-y word. Think of it as an outside-the-box business model. With occasional torture. And if you don't or can't pay up, then who knows where you'll end up? Every vacation truly ends in a surprise!

3) Drug Muling

The final (and most lucrative) money maker that airlines need to capitalize on is offering flyer rebate incentives for any passenger willing to take a balloon full of heroin up the pooper and transport it across state and/or international lines.

The airlines are hurting folks, but you know what's not hurting? International drug trading. Those guys are making bazillions.

Now, we know some of these may seem a little extreme, but really, is having drugs up your butt while you backpack through the desert with your family taken hostage really any worse than the way airlines treat you now?

Cheers and stay classy folks,

Beer: Hamm's (it's all we can afford after the airlines the coyotajes robbed us blind)
Music: Flight Facilities

Monday, December 1, 2014

Would You Care For Some Coffee in That...Coffee?

We'd like to think of ourselves as coffee connoisseurs, mostly in that we as writers practically survive on coffee, and after cumulatively drinking enough to put down an elephant, we've come to appreciate a nice blend of coffee that doesn't taste like it was scraped off the floor of a 7-Eleven bathroom.

And so, as coffee connoisseurs, we both wanted to learn how to make the best cup of coffee possible. To do that, we went out and got jobs as Starbucks baristas.*

*in order for this gag to work

We learned almost immediately that we've been making coffee wrong all these years. We, as novices, simply put a few scoops of coffee grounds into a coffee machine and let that roast for a few minutes. But as a barista, that's merely the beginning, and at Starbucks, the true magic begins after the coffee is brewed.

Apparently our basic, novice-level coffee is not the kind of coffee people want when they go to Starbucks.

According to our teenage manager, real coffee needs three basic components: whipped cream, syrup, and chocolate. Without that, it's just, and we quote, "Like, something your dad would drink before going to a job where he wants to kill himself."

Now, we tried an actual Starbucks coffee drink, and to our surprise it wasn't nearly as delicious as advertised. It was like drinking a Hershey's bar - disgustingly sweet - and didn't taste a thing like coffee. Also, Brandon got diabetes. And Bryan gained 27 lbs. I guess that's what happens when your so-called coffee is 1,000 calories of pure, liquid sugar.

So it seems there are three kinds of people in this world... those who like coffee, those who don't, and those who live in denial by drinking milk-flavored sugar-water. Not that there's anything wrong with drinking the latter, as we've both been known to enjoy a sugary drink from time to time. But if you need a dumptruck full of sugar just to disguise the coffee taste of your coffee, then you don't actually like coffee. You just like drinking milkshakes.

Any milk-flavored sugar-water drinkers in the house?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Music: The Kooks
Beer: Dry Dock Amber Ale