Monday, November 24, 2014

Apple vs Android, the Ultimate Showdown Super Battle

Once upon a time, phones were just phones. They had cords and attached to the wall, and if you walked too far away from it you ended up turning yourself into a human slingshot. It was just a method of communication, and what kind you had didn't matter because they all did the same thing - they allowed you to prank call your friends anonymously so you could ask them if their refrigerator was running. ("It is? Then why aren't you trying to catch it?" /hang up)

The idea of making fun of someone because they had a certain brand of telephone would have seemed ridiculous.

Now we live in an age of cellphones, which are much more than telephones. They're mini computers in their own right. They e-mail. They surf the web. They take pictures and video. And they each carry very distinctive brand names. Brand names that matter.

See, nowadays you don't just own a smartphone. You own an Apple. Or you own a Samsung. (Or, frankly, you don't matter.) And if you own an Apple, it's important that you make fun of Samsung users for all being peon poser nerds, just as if you own a Samsung it's critical that you make fun of Apple users for all being hipster sheeple buying into a fad. There is no middle ground. You are either an Apple, or you're a Samsung (Android).

But as with everything in life, including The Super Bowl, marriage, and your children, there can only be one winner for the title of "overall best." And since Brandon has an Apple iPhone and Bryan has a Samsung Galaxy, we figured it was only fair that we squabble like little children over which one was better.

And so, as the only logical solution available, we pitted our phones against each another like animals and had them fight to the bitter death.

The battle was indescribably hard to watch. We'll spare you the details, but we will show you the aftermath.

Warning: anyone with a sensitive stomach is urged to leave the room. The following picture is extremely graphic.

If you wish to see the aftermath, please scroll down, but just know you've been warned.


...Wait, what do you mean you can't tell what's going on? Don't you see it? Okay, maybe it'll help if we illustrate.

Yes, that's right. In the end, once we unleashed them, the actual products didn't even hate each other. In fact, it seems they're quite fond of one another.

So perhaps there's a lesson to be learned here. Perhaps it's that we should just use whatever phone we want to use and quit bitching about the phone that someone else is using simply because it's a different brand. Or... maybe it's that instead of fighting with each other we should unite to combat the real enemy... the Windows Phone.

No, we're just kidding. Nobody uses Windows Phone.

Which side are you on? Apple or Android?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Beer: Ballast Point Calico Amber Ale
Music: Two Door Cinema Club
Also, Brandon's latest solo novel "Lovely Death" is available all week for free e-book download. If you haven't done it yet, get your copy here------> Lovely Death Download at Amazon
Here's an awesome review of the book by Andrew Leon over at StrangePegs. Thanks Andrew!

Monday, November 17, 2014

Local Idiots Buried In Snow/New About Us

Hey, folks. As much as we'd love to bring you a new post today, our lead cartoonist's Internet is experiencing major hiccups and won't allow him to post any pictures from his computer. Or do much of anything, which means no Facebook, no trollish Internet arguments, no Brazilian fart porn, and no hilarious cat videos. It's pure hell.

The lone picture of said cartoonist is posted below from his smartphone, and it'll have to do until next week.

We're not sure which to blame: Bryan having Comcast (aka Comcrap - thanks to Joy for teaching us that one), the never ending snow, the -10 degree weather, or all three. We'll blame all three. So excuse us this week for being buried alive, both figuratively and literally. We promise next week we'll be back with something awesome.

Till next time, we did manage to finally combat 10 months of laziness and update our About Us, so if you want to see our totally new, hilariously awesome About Us page, either go up to the top and select About Us from our menu bar, then click Who We Are... or just click the link below like the lazy bastard you are. Which is exactly what we would do if we were you, so no judgment.

About the Idiots in Charge of this Website

Cheers and stay connected, friends,

Music: No Limits
Beer: A truly ice cold Deschutes Twilight Ale

Monday, November 10, 2014

Dear Girl Sitting Next To Me At The DMV, Please Don't Run For President

Hey guys. Bryan here. Yesterday was my 31st birthday, and to commemorate this completely non-momentous occasion... I took a trip to the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) to get my license renewed. I know, the excitement never stops once you reach your 30s.

And boy, what a time it was. I had so much fun, I decided to spend 5 and a half hours of my day there. No, that's not an exaggeration. Now, I like how we as a people have just kinda come to accept that the DMV is like this. We all have to wait for hours upon hours, just to get a chance to talk to someone who's completely rude and condescending while they complete a very simple, 5 minute procedure. And we've all just kinda accepted that this is okay. This is how the DMV functions.

So needless to say, I had a lot of time to kill while I was tolerating this suffering, and some of that time was spent listening to the conversations around me. One of them, in particular, stood out to me especially. And so today's post is not about my birthday or about the DMV, but it's an open letter to the girl who sat next to me at the DMV, who thinks she should be our next president.

Dear Candi (with an I),

Of all the conversations near me, yours caught my ears the most, not because it was pleasant or because your voice was like beautiful music, but because your words were so mind numbingly stupid that I wished I could have just ripped your ovaries straight out of your body and burned them in a trash can before you could ever hope to procreate.

I know that we all come from different worlds and all have different opinions on things, but your opinions were so amazingly brainless that I couldn't help but laugh beneath my breath when you said you "tooootally" would have run for president one day (if it weren't for all of those pesky jail sentences) because you would be the one to turn this country around.

I loved your insight into "smoker's rights," and how non-smokers like myself, who don't want black clouds of cancer spit into his face on a daily basis, are pushing my agenda upon you and crushing your personal, $5 a pack freedoms.

It was great hearing that you would stand up and fight for your fellow smokers, because with all of this talk about Ebola, it seems like everyone's forgotten lung cancer. That one needs to forge a comeback!

I also thoroughly enjoyed hearing your stance on parking tickets, which, as president, you would promptly eliminate, because they are "stupid" and "confusing."

You didn't pay to park, and you got a parking ticket? That's insane! Next thing you'll tell me, you didn't pay to register your car and got pulled over for not having license plates! What is this world coming to?

So, my dear Candi (with an I), I just want to let you know that if you struggle with basic legal concepts like "subjecting innocent people to cancer" and "paying to park," then running an entire country's governmental system might be beyond your current skill set.

So I'd stick with that call center job you have at Comcast and kill any dreams you've ever had of being president, because it's just not happening. And to those reading this now, should "Candi for President: 2032" ever somehow possibly become a thing... don't vote Candi. Just don't. It's for your best interest, I promise.

What's the dumbest thing you've ever overheard someone say?

Cheers and stay, like, classy, you guys, OMG,
~Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: The Wombats
Beer: Breckenridge Avalanche

Monday, November 3, 2014

50% of the Time It Fails Every Time

The two of us were reading a newspaper the other day, which is amazing, because we thought newspapers were dead. Also, it's almost impossible for us to share something without squabbling over it and physically destroying it, which is why that one poor girl in fifth grade got King Solomon'd so hard and her two mangled halves still won't talk to us. But regardless, we read something in a newspaper recently that alarmed us.

That's right. Statistics say that fifty percent of all modern marriages have been shown to end in divorce. And since we all know that statistics are unquestionably true scientific fact, this comes as troubling news to the two married men who run this blog... us. Because, as the fates have dictated, one of our marriages is doomed, so we wanted to find out which of us it was going to be.

And it wasn't easy, because both of us are happy as clams and healthy as horses.

On the exterior, we both have seemingly happy marriages. We needed to dig deeper. So, being the amateur scientists that we are, we decided to get to the bottom of this with thorough scientific research. Sure, we could have talked to our wives, but that's not science or statistics. So instead, we treated them like lab rats and monitored their behaviors toward us.

But the research just wasn't conclusive. Nothing pointed to either of us getting divorces. So Brandon, always a man of action, decided it was time to take out his trusty shotgun and shoot Bryan in the face. Why? Well, if Bryan is dead, then Brandon's just one married person. And 1 out of every 1 person getting divorced? That's not a likely statistic! Brandon would inevitably be divorce free. But before he could blast Bryan in the face and save his marriage, his co-author found something startling.

Yes, that's right, as 30 year old guys with wives in their mid 20s, this meant that whomever of us gets a divorce, it would clearly be the woman's fault. So we stopped worrying about it so much, knowing that if our marriages ever went into the proverbial crapper, that statistically it wouldn't be our doing. No, our wives would be to blame.

And that's not sexist. That's just plain science, folks. Statistics don't lie.

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

Beer: Ballast Point Pale Ale
Music: Jack Kovacs

P.S. the winners of last week's Two Sentence Horror Story Challenge were as follows:

"The anesthesia started setting in before the oral surgery. As the blackness seeped in, I heard the dentist's zipper." - Pickleope

"Someone, please help!!" she screamed. "There's been so many re-runs of The Big Bang Theory!!!" - Michael D'Agostino

"I painted my face black for Halloween. I was immediately shot by a police officer." - Workingdan

If racist police brutality, an onslaught of America's dumbest "smart" show, and getting violated by your dentist doesn't horrify you, then we don't know what will. Thanks to everyone who participated!

Now then, feel free to squabble amongst yourselves in the comment section about which of you is going to get divorced. With 100+ comments a week, that's at least 30-40 people who are destined for marital failure.