Monday, July 28, 2014

You Will Never Believe What These Two Drunken Idiots Uncovered

Thanks to popular websites like Buzzfeed and Upworthy, we've learned that our website is completely out of date with what Internet users want. We're falling behind. So, effective immediately, we're going to be instituting some awesome changes around here, so we can be just like all those other modern websites that you know and love.

First off, instead of this lame 'everything on one page' format, we're going to be running all slide shows. All. The. Time. Basically, this means every post will be broken down into at least ten individual pages, so every time you hit that little arrow button to see what our next wowsuperexcellent cartoon is, it'll generate extra pageviews for us and make us look extra impressive on the Internet. Cool, right? Who doesn't want to click through fifteen pages just to read our first string of comics?

The answer, by the way, was "impasta." You call a fake noodle "impasta." Har har! Totally worth clicking 10 separate slides, right? And look at all those extra pageviews we have! Our e-cock is growing faster than Pinocchio's nose!

Next, we're going to be adding a whole lot more mystery ad videos that are all set to autoplay, which blare obnoxious noises at the worst times and are all but impossible to locate and stop on the page. We just know how much everybody loves those!

And if you're concerned about our content, well, don't worry, we've got that covered too! Starting immediately, we're also going to be adding lots of clickbait titles to every post, enticing you into clicking something that's either awful, spam, or both! And since we'll make a whopping .0003 cents per click by way of referral, I think we all know that this is totally worth it for us AND for you.

And you'd better believe we're going to start doing clickbait top ten lists. So, so many lists, just like the high class, thinking man's website that every professional journalist can only dream of adding to their resume, Buzzfeed.

Last but not least, we plan to institute mandatory full-page ads that make you countdown thirty seconds before you can even enter our site. Everyone has 30 seconds to waste, and if anything, it's a great way to get yourselves familiar with our newfound sponsors, don't you think?

Thanks to all of this snazzy new site decor, we'll be gaining extra pageviews that totally matter to people who aren't us, while simultaneously generating dozens of dollars of income per year for ourselves, so it's definitely worth it! A win/win situation for everybody!

So, we hope you've enjoyed this announcement as much as we have. In fact, we're so excited we might just have to stop and enjoy a refreshing pack of Dr. Bill's Amazing Fat-Loss Boner Pills (As seen on TV!). You should try some too! Buying a pack nets us a whole 15 cents by way of referral!

Cheers and stay classy, friends,


Beer: Boner Pils(ner)
Music: Can't hear anything over these sweet talking ads

Monday, July 21, 2014

¡Una Cerveza para el Bano!

Following our recent post about offensiveness, it has been brought to our attention that we are culturally insensitive idiots. Therefore, we have decided to devote today's post to broadening our horizons. We're going to break down the barriers of race and prejudice, and explore the rich cultural significance of those who share much of the USA with us, our industrious neighbors to the south that live in America's neckbeard: the Mexicans.

mexico america's beard

Now the two of us are actually each half Mexican. However, if you meld the two of us together, you don't get one whole Mexican who actually knows and understands the Mexican culture.

So we needed some firsthand experience. But we've heard all this talk that there's some kind of border problems with a huge fence and aliens or something trying to get through, so for our own personal safety we decided we won't be taking a trip to Mexico for firsthand research, since apparently this is the US/Mexico border.

And the last thing we need is a zombie alien infection. Or whatever's going on down there.

So we just decided to go ahead and swing for the fences, and have Bryan's Mexican wife, Meli, tell us if we nailed it or not. With that said, here are some facts we wanted to present to you about Mexico.

Daily attire: In Olde Mexico (not to be confused with New Mexico, which is like Mexico but full of bored, elderly white people), the locals prefer to wear loudly colored mumus that resemble itchy tablecloths, and giant hats called sombreros which are large enough to carry an assortment of goods on top of one's head.

Music: No surprise here, but Mexican citizens enjoy a wide assortment of music, including everything from "mariachi polka" to "mariachi accordion polka."

Food: And of course, let's not overlook Mexico's richest tradition of them all: the ability to take the same five ingredients and turn them into fifty distinctly different meals. Such is the magic of Mexico.

It doesn't matter what you call it: beef + cheese + lettuce + tomatoes + tortilla always = pure culinary magic.

So that's Mexico in a nutshell. We hope this has helped inspire you to learn more about other cultures than your own. And if it hasn't, we hope at the very least that it doesn't inspire you to commit a hate crime.

How about you? Are you as terribly misinformed about your ethnic background as we are?

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

P.S. It's worth mentioning that Bryan's wife's favorite childhood toy, no lie, was indeed the ball in the cup.

Beer: Modelo Negro
Music: Juan Direction

Monday, July 14, 2014

The Five Stages of Injury

Thanks to the Kübler-Ross model, we have the five stages of grief that one goes through when encountering death. It's a powerful and accurate psychological model, and like everything else science tells us, we believe it with unflinching loyalty. And today, we'd like to reveal the lesser known (but far more important) counterpart to the Kübler-Ross model. It's called the Five Stages of Injury, and if you pay attention it may well save your life.*

*Assuming your life, in fact, is worth saving.

The Five Stages of Injury

1. Denial

The first stage is going into denial that the injury even happened to begin with. Surely there's no way you could have just cut yourself with a kitchen knife. No, it's probably the tomato that's bleeding. Or, you know, that blood was probably just there from yesterday.

2. Anger

After the denial has passed, rather than trying to come up with a solution to your injury, this is the moment that either you scold yourself for even having done it in the first place, or get irrationally angry at the object that just injured you.

3. Temporary Insanity 

Once your anger calms, this is the moment that your brain stops working properly and you begin to question and extremely over-analyze the seriousness of the injury. Is that old nail that I just put through my hand sending rust molecules coursing through my bloodstream, giving me cancer? Is my arm tingling because I accidentally hit it with a hammer or because it's preparing to fall off? It's been 20 minutes and this cut on my hand hasn't stopped bleeding; am I now going to bleed out onto the kitchen floor, leaving behind a dry, withered husk of a human corpse for my loved ones to find?

4. Hospital Avoidance 

Immediately following your self diagnosis is the stage when you try to figure out, using irrational logic and no medical knowledge whatsoever, what it will take to NOT have to drive yourself to the hospital, because we all know how expensive and shitty that is compared to toughing out an injury.

5. Sweet, Sweet Acceptance

This is the last stage of injury, when you finally come to the acceptance that there's nothing further you can do outside of soap and water, some Spiderman band-aids, and a long nap. Ultimately, you've come to terms with your health's future... for better or for worse.

After this, the healing process can begin... assuming, of course, that that rusty nail didn't actually give you bone cancer.

Cheers and stay uninjured, friends,

Beer: Leinenkugel Summer Shandy
Music: Benny Goodman

Oh, and to those who entered our Mystery Box of Awesomeness contest once upon a time ago, our two winners were gracious enough to post what we sent them. So if curiosity strikes you and you want to see what the Mystery Boxes contained, then go check out Robyn and Chiz's blogs to see what you could have won if you'd only bribed us had better luck.

Spoiler alert: contains a shitload of bubble wrap

Robyn - Mystery Box #1
Chiz - Mystery Box #2