Monday, June 30, 2014

Much Ado About Soccer

Now that it's World Cup time again, we here at A Beer for the Shower have proudly joined our many millions of fellow countrymen (and countrywomen?) in cheering on team USA as they play this sport that we Americans all love so dearly, soccer. Or football. Or fĂștbol. Whatever you want to call it.

Some people say that Americans know nothing about soccer, and nor do they really care for it. They think we view it as slow and uninteresting and only jump on the bandwagon around World Cup time, only to forget about it immediately after. But to those naysayers we thumb our noses and present to you the top ten reasons why Americans love soccer.

1. Soccer is so cool it's cold. Fact. That's why everyone in the stands is wearing a scarf.

2. Nothing's more American than watching a soccer game. Getting drunk at 10 in the morning? Yelling drunken instructions to your team, while not understanding any of the technical details of the sport? Then getting into a drop down, knockout fistfight in the stands when your team loses? That's practically the most American afternoon you can have.

3. Running. What better to combat nationwide obesity than a sport devoted to 90 minutes of running back and forth?

4. Jedi Force attacks. Soccer players have the awe-inspiring telekinetic ability to knock a man clear off his feet by merely running past him too closely.

5. Kicking. Not just for Bruce Lee movies anymore, this is 90 minutes of solid ball-kicking action.

6. Every once in a while, a soccer player falls off his broom after taking a bad hit from a Beater.

7. High-scoring action! Don't blink, because if you do, you might miss the game's one and only goal! That's right, if your team won 1-0, then you know you just watched 90 minutes of blistering, nonstop scoring action.

8. We appreciate that the game of soccer is only played once every four years, during The World Cup. And furthermore, the fact that it's never discussed once between cups makes the anticipation all the more unbearable in the interim.

9. Draws. Who doesn't love a good tie? We don't need resolution. Or a sudden death match. We're completely content to be good sports and say, "Both of our teams did well this day and there were no clear winners." It's like the participation medal of the professional sports world.

10. Drinking! Yes, we loosely mentioned it before, but this one is so good it deserves its own bullet point. What other reason could a person have to ditch work and drink at a bar with all of their friends at 10 AM? Football season is over, yes, but fĂștbol season has just begun! Remember: it's not alcoholism if the rest of the country is doing it with you.

And who doesn't need alcohol when you're watching the nonstop action that is soccer?

So, our fellow Americans, are you enjoying the World Cup as much as we are? Aren't you just so excited to still follow your local soccer team once the World Cup is over and everyone else finally stops pretending like they give a shit about soccer?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Music: Sigur Ros
Beer: Breckenridge Agave Wheat

Monday, June 23, 2014

A Real Life Adventure

Unless you've been living under a rock or are new here, we've been holding a contest for the past 2 weeks for 2 Mystery Boxes full of random goodness. Well, today we were supposed to announce the winners, but we ran into some huge problems. I guess we didn't really think this through.

First, we didn't know what to draw the two names out of.

So we used one of our ladies' purses. But that led us to our second problem.

The space/time continuum.

So we got sucked into the dark, swirling vortex at the bottom of a woman's purse, and then got spat out into an alternate dimension. One that looked really, really weird.

Worst of all, the entries were completely gone. We reasoned that they must have blown away. So after taking a few moments to admire our ridiculous new forms, we set out in search of the entries.

In this new world, Brandon found that it was way too hot to constantly wear a black leather jacket. He wondered why he'd never taken it off before.

And then he remembered it was because of the accident.

This weird world didn't make any sense to us. And it didn't have any of our entries, either. We looked, and we looked, and we just couldn't find them anywhere.

"Gee," said Brandon, who was looking outside with his freshly grown pair of arms. "There's nothing here in my dumpster."

Except those pesky freegans, of course.

"I don't see anything downstairs, either," said Bryan, who checked inside the house.

"All I see down here are a pair of broken legs."

We were about to give up hope when we remembered that the freegan had been eating Brandon's trash. Maybe he ate our entries, we thought. And that was very fortunate for us, because we could use him as our hat.

So we kindly helped the freegan free up two entries.

And we're happy to say that the entries that got coughed up are the names of our two winners. Congratulations, guys!

So Chiz and Robyn Engel, you'll be hearing from us soon so we can get your addresses and send each of you your Mystery Box of Awesomeness. And a big thanks to everyone who participated! We got well over 200 entries and it was a lot of fun.

Also, a huge thanks to our good buddy Chris who made for an eerily perfect freegan. Your next beer is on us.

Until next time, here are some of the great cartoons that you guys submitted when we asked you to draw us. Enjoy!

(click the image itself to view full resolution)

 Submitted by Fang of

Submitted by Mich of

Submitted by Chiz of

Submitted by Barb of

 Submitted by D4 of

 Submitted by Flip of

Submitted by Robyn from

Submitted by FAE of

A classic Pickleoping care of

Regular shenanigans and hooliganism will resume in a week. We'll see you next Monday!

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Up, up, and away! The great purse in the sky beckons to us!

Monday, June 16, 2014

The Lonely Woman's Dog Club

Bryan's wife, for whatever reason, is a saint. In her spare time Meli enjoys feeding the homeless, volunteering at the local hospital, and just overall being an awesome person to others. Maybe it's to balance out Bryan's being a huge bastard. Either way, she recently found out that her hospital had a program for service dogs, and she just knew she wanted to sign up her dog, Little Man.

Basically, this program allows you to take your perfectly useless household dog...

...and turn him or her into a "caring canine" that helps bring comfort to those who are in pain at the hospital.

So Meli figured it was about time her poodle started pulling his weight around the house and got a job like the rest of us. Bryan was adamantly behind this.

When Meli signed up, she envisioned making a difference. Brightening someone's day. Bringing joy to someone in pain. Giving someone who's a bit stir crazy something to break up the monotony of a long day spent in a hospital bed. What she didn't imagine was joining the lonely women's dog club.

The women in this program are all a little odd. Rather than focusing on the helping aspect, they're more about the "look at me, my dog is saving the world and we as women are united by this" kind of thing. It's like they justify their own existence through their dogs.

Meli first noticed things were a bit odd when she was asked to make a business card... Not for her, but for Little Man. And the example she was sent and strongly encouraged to "go off of" was a trainwreck clearly written by a very lonely, very insane woman.

So Little Man now has a full color business card. Just let that sink in if you're a working human adult and you don't have a business card. Maybe you should question your life choices now. Bryan sure did.

And it only got crazier from there. Meli and her dog were soon called in for a photoshoot... and yes, the photoshoot was for the dog.

...for the 2014 Service Dog Calendar.

No, really. That's a thing. A sad, yearly thing. And the Lonely Woman's Dog Club can all giggle and high five each other as each of their dogs is individually highlighted as being Service Dog of the Month.

Ultimately, Meli enjoys it, and as far as we can tell, Little Man enjoys it. She'll continue to do it because she loves helping people. What she will not do, however, is become one of these kooky spinsters trying to justify her existence through her dog. Because unlike their humans, we know that the dogs don't really give a shit about being Mr. October or having the snazziest business card or having an "official service dog uniform" that shows just how important they are. They just like people.

Which makes them better than Brandon and I, because on most days, we hate people.

Check out that badge; it looks higher quality than any work badge I'VE ever had...

Cheers and stay obedient, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Van She
Beer: Newcastle Brown Ale

Monday, June 9, 2014

Beer it Forward

Recently our good friend Jay Bird held a contest. A contest that we somehow won. And rather than just send us a simple prize, she went way above and beyond and sent us a package overflowing with awesomeness and kindheartedness. It was enough to chisel away at our withering black hearts, and it inspired us to do something nice of our own.

So this week we decided we'd beer it forward. What does this mean? Well, it means we're holding a raffle, and two lucky winners will receive a special Mystery Box from us, full of awesome mystery goodies.

What's in either box? We can't tell you. And that's half the fun. I guess you just have to trust us.

Maybe it's a box full of kittens. which case we probably shouldn't mail it through the US Post Office.*

*Seriously, if your package has to absolutely get there... some time, and you don't care if it looks like it got dropped down a flight of stairs, then we highly recommend the US Postal Service.

Maybe it's a punch in the face!

Well, because we don't want a lawsuit on our hands, we can tell you with certainty that it is NOT a punch in the face.

Maybe it's a participation medal...

...made from the viscera of the other participants!

Whatever it is, just know that we're 100% serious about this and this is NOT some way of trolling you. We will not send you anthrax, or a box full of Justin Bieber CDs, or a jar of dog farts.

In other words, don't expect this.

No comic necessary; this woman's expression speaks volumes

What we can promise you is an assortment of unique and thoughtful awesomeness from our two creative minds. This means a few gifts, some goodies, and some original creations that are personalized by us, just as our way of saying thanks for supporting the blog and our writing in any way, shape, or form over the years. And if you hate us, well, then you get something free for having to put up with our shit. Everybody wins!

Entering is simple. Just use the widget below to enter, and connect via Facebook or e-mail (this doesn't steal your information or your soul, this is simply so we can contact the two winners).

Then you can earn raffle entries through 5 different ways, and yes, that means multiple entries are allowed. Which also means that the more you enter, the more likelihood you have of winning. And they said elementary school math would never pay off.

1. Tell us your best dirty joke or limerick. This is worth 1 entry.

2. Tell us how you found our blog or met us. Preferably in the style of a cheesy 1980s romantic comedy movie. This is worth 1 entry.

3. Draw us in whatever style you like (stick figures even count) and e-mail it to us. This is worth 3 entries, and if awesome enough, we'll feature it on our blog when we announce the winners.

4. Like our fan page on Facebook. This is worth 3 entries, and yes, if you already Like us, you can still get your 3 entries.

5. Leave a quick Amazon review for any of our 4 collaborative novels. It doesn't have to be anything more than 2-3 sentences; just a quick few words on what you thought about them. These are worth 5 entries each, and absolutely count if you've already left one in the past (you rock!).

These are worth the most because Amazon reviews are invaluable to us, and the more we have, the more Amazon shows our books to random people, which helps us with our writing careers. It also helps us continue to run this blog ad free... because just like you, we fucking hate ads.

Yeah, that's hilarious, right? Just say no to ads. Say yes to a few Amazon reviews if you can spare the time.

The two lucky winners will be announced in 2 weeks (Monday, June 23rd) and will receive their Mystery Box within 2-3 days (unless sent through the US Post Office, in which case if it's not dropped in a gutter somewhere it will arrive in 2-3 weeks, with boot prints on it, the box will be crushed, and half the contents will be missing).

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Good luck!

Cheers and stay mysterious, folks,

Beer: Lagunitas IPA
Music: Peter Gabriel