Thursday, May 30, 2013

Amanda Bynes Is Suing Us

That's right, folks. After what we said in our previous Extreme Makeover: Amanda Bynes Edtion, the wonderfully crazy and terminally arrested Amanda Bynes has decided she's going to sue us. She even came to Bryan's house to break the news.

(Just in case any of our regular readers are confused as to why Amanda Bynes made a second appearance on the blog this month, it's because our last post featuring her crazy antics has gone near-viral and we're really hoping one of our posts reaches her, so we can start some kind of silly online battle with the queen of crazy herself... if only to serve as entertainment for you, the reader.)

(We were originally going to start a feud with Chris Brown, but as we understand it, he only fights women)

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan

Music: Steven Wilson
Beer: Shiner Blonde

Monday, May 27, 2013

My Parents Don't Understand the Internet

Hello all, and Happy Memorial Day. Today's a day that many of us will spend with family, and I'm no exception. However, instead of barbecuing or catching a movie or catching up on old times I'm going to be helping them with their computer.

I'd like to think I'm pretty proficient with computers. I have a bachelors degree in IT. I worked as a system admin for almost 10 years before leaving to pursue writing. I like to build gaming machines. And yet... none of this has prepared me for teaching my parents how to use the Internet.

My parents are wonderful people, but it's amazing to me how foreign a computer is to them, even after using one in one form or another for almost 15 years now. Even the simplest things that you and I take for granted are like a whole new world to them.

I'm not sure if this is karma for my teenage years, but teaching a parent how to use a computer is like teaching a dog to ride a bicycle. It can be both frustrating and hilarious, because the outcome is almost always catastrophic.

Like my dad, for example, who has an amazing talent. He can bring a computer to its knees by attempting the simplest of tasks.

My dad was a complete badass in his youth, so he's totally earned the right to rock the wolf-face T-shirt, fanny pack, and jean shorts that are just a tad too short.

Point out everything that's wrong with this screenshot. I dare you.

At this point, the only thing left to do is burn the computer and douse anything that touched it in holy water. Most computers need a virus scan, but after my dad gets his hands on one, it needs an exorcism. If I had a dollar for every time I had to reinstall my parents' operating system or buy them another hard drive, I'd have enough money to open my own personal Geek Squad store.

But it's not just the Internet. My parents also don't understand a lot of the e-mails they get. Like spam. Which, let me tell you, is really hilarious when my mom is logging onto her e-mail to check if her sister, Anna, wrote to her, and she sees something like this...

Which in turn led to a very confusing and very hilarious call, that went something like this...

If you want to experience true awkwardness, just try to explain hardcore lesbian porn spam to your mother, while also trying to explain that sometimes spam bots use generic names like "Anna" that are just a hilariously terrible coincidence.*

*This really happened, and was every bit as awkward as you can imagine

Don't get me wrong. My parents are wonderful people, and I love them both very much. I find this funny more than I find it frustrating, but knowing that my relatives on both sides live to very, very old age (my grandma just turned 90 and her sister recently turned 101), I chuckle every time my mom calls to tell me about how she broke the Internet, because I know this is a tech support line I'll be running for the next 30 years or more.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Sigur Ros
Beer: Sawtooth Ale

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Throwback Throw-up (or The Little TV Show That Couldn't)

It's no secret that TV has birthed a lot of crap over the years. In fact, we talk about that sort of thing here all the time. Today, however, we'll be swiveling our cynical camera lenses backwards for a look into the ghosts of television past. Specifically, we've been wondering how some of the most popular shows in classic TV history would have fared if (instead being in the sixties, seventies, and eighties) they took place in modern day.

Today we give you the top 5 TV shows that didn't age gracefully.

1. Happy Days.

The King of Cool: a stocky, middle aged goober.

Back in the day, Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzarelli was considered cool. He was a hip greaser who didn't take nonsense from anyone. But looking back, "The Fonz" was just a chubby, 5'6", almost 40 year old Henry Winkler in a leather jacket. How "cool" would "The Fonz" be by today's standards of badassery?

Please contain your orgasms, ladies.

2. The Incredible Hulk

Apparently Bruce Banner and the Hulk went to senior prom together.

Back in the day, Lou Ferrigno was a badass Hulk that no one wanted to mess with. Nowadays we have CGI Hulk who's 20 feet tall and can smash a skyscraper into dust with a single punch. Suddenly, watching 5'9" Bruce Banner transform into the Hulk, aka a 6'3" deaf bodybuilder slathered in green paint and a mullet wig just doesn't seem as 'incredible'. He looks about as fearsome as the Jolly Green Giant.

Having a 20 foot tall Hulk breathing down on you? Absolutely horrifying. Having a guy that's a few inches taller than you get in your face? Intimidating, sure, but not exactly fearsome.

3. Knight Rider

Never Hassle the Hoff...
Back in the 1980s, a talking car was so cool. Nowadays, even a soccer mom's minivan talks to her if she has the right navigation system installed. And with such voice packs as Elmo, Homer Simpson, and Darth Vader, you can give your GPS system quite a bit of personality, more so than William Daniels, aka Mr. Feeney from Boy Meets World. Hell, we have Dave Chappelle on ours.

And with that, a trip to McDonald's was more technologically advanced than an entire episode of Knight Rider.

Oh, and for the record, we aren't drinking beer while driving, we're drinking water in a Coors Light bottle, so  that it has the faint taste of beer. So, in other words, we're just drinking Coors Light.

4. The Dukes of Hazzard...

This single picture pretty much sums up the plot of every Dukes of Hazzard episode ever made.
...AKA that TV show about a bunch of rednecks who drive through ditches in a car draped in America's fondest symbol of racism and inequality: the Confederate flag. And the car is appropriately named after the historical civil rights activist, General Robert E. Lee. Imagine this show running today, only, instead of rural Georgia, we put them in the South Central neighborhood of Los Angeles (for a more urban feel).

What's that? Apparently gang members don't take kindly to rednecks waving the Confederate flag in their hood. Now, speaking of gangs...

5. Hill Street Blues

Apparently one of the police officers was homeless (the guy in the beanie, not the black guy, you racist).

Finally, let's not forget the show that inspired this post: Hill Street Blues, which happened to include ABftS frequenter, fellow beer enthusiast, and all around good guy Stephen T. McCarthy among its actual cast. We had to include this one because, well, the plot is centered around the police gathering all of the city's racially-centered gangs into their own police station, and then asking them to be nice with one another while the president comes to town (because they don't want to look like assholes in front of The Big Cheese). Because we all know letting the city's most dangerous gang members know about the president coming to town (and his whereabouts) is a brilliant idea.

Oh, and did we mention that the "gangs" are led by such tough guys as a scrawny, 25 year old David Caruso?

Mere mortals - tremble before my top hat, green vest, and buck teeth.

This show got rave reviews, and yet imagine if that same scenario played out today, with Barack Obama coming to visit.

Later that day, the Crip absolutely killed the Blood... in a double's match!

There we go, proof that TV doesn't always age with grace. But I'm sure we didn't list them all. What did we miss?

Cheers and stay classy, folks!


Beer: Leffe Blonde
Music: Dire Straits

Sunday, May 19, 2013

A-BEER-Crombie and Fitch

It recently came to our attention that widely popular clothing maker Abercrombie and Fitch is in some hot water with the media. The company's CEO, Mike Jeffries (seen below) has vocalized his stance against fat and ugly people, and has made it very clear that he wishes for neither to shop in his stores. And let's be honest, we don't really blame him. After all, look at the guy. Does he look like the kind of man who should have to tolerate subnormal patrons paying his company in exchange for goods?

As you can see here, Jeffries, who moonlights as a botox-filled crash-test dummy, is a man who knows a thing or two about being good looking. Much like the svelte, illustrated version of himself that is commonly known as the Abercrombie logo...

The facial bone-structure is amazingly accurate, no?

So in the spirit of Abercrombie and Fitch's unapologetic statements, we wanted to turn our blog and our books into more than just a name. We want to be an exclusive brand. A club, if you will, for the Internet elite.

But to take it a step further than A&F, we don't just want the beautiful. We want the highly intelligent, too. You see, this is some clever, highbrow humor we're bringing you, and we don't want our words to fall on the ears of the ugly and the stupid. So starting on Thursday, if you want to continue reading our blog then you'll have to submit your headshot and your MENSA score* for our approval.

*If you just asked "What's a MENSA score?" then you've already failed, you dumb stupid idiot.

If you cannot provide these 2 items to our satisfaction, then you'll be automatically directed to a suicide prevention website where you can ponder the banality of your mediocre life.

This decision of course was made by our president, Peggy Sue the Retarded Goat, the most beautiful and intelligent of them all.

And again, it's not just our blog. We're also incorporating this exclusivity into our books. You see, you can still order our books from, but all new books have been fitted with a small webcam that will detect your beauty, and a 2 page intelligence test that will determine your eligibility to read the book.

If you fail either of these, the book will punch you in the face and permanently lock itself.*

*No refunds, either. If you ordered one of these and were too ugly or too stupid to open it, then let that be a lesson to your over-inflated sense of self worth.

So to the beautiful and the highly intelligent, we'll see you Thursday. As for the rest of you dumb uglies, well, you've been warned. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

Cheers and stay beautiful, my brainy friends,

Beer: 400 Lb. Monkey IPA
Music: Daft Punk