Monday, December 30, 2013

2013: A Year in Drunken Review

Despite the insistence of many a back-alley fortune teller, Brandon and Bryan have both lived to survive another year on this planet. And what a year it's been. In case you've been too preoccupied with trying to solve that damned Rubik's cube, here's what you missed out on in 2013...

  • Miley Cyrus lost her mind. And was paid a shit ton. (You're welcome for us not drawing her weird chicken butt-gap thing... people already saw that plenty this year)

  • Breaking with historical tradition, The British Royal Family bore yet another non-inbred baby, and people couldn't get enough of it. So far William and Kate's baby is looking pretty cute, but if it's anything like dear ol' dad, it'll look devilishly handsome for the first quarter of its life and then just completely fall apart after 25.

Because remember, ladies, this dreamboat...

is only ever five to ten years away from looking like your bald, creepy uncle that no one wants to be left alone with at parties.

You know, the one who loves knock knock jokes. And tickles.

  • The U.S. Government shut down. Oddly enough, there was no noticeable change in progress of "things getting done."
  • Also, Edward Snowden informed us that the US was spying on not just its own people, but other countries, and was using extreme invasions of privacy. And because of it he's an evil, awful, manipulative terrorist traitor to the US who needs to desperately be captured and put to death.

...this message sponsored by the US Government.

As if our privacy wasn't already nonexistent on the Internet.

  • Not to be outdone in the 'our government is a joke' department, North Korean supreme leader* and Michelin Man impersonator Kim Jong Un launched a missile program that made an elementary school science project look dangerous.

*This was earlier misprinted as 'supreme reader,' which is what Kim calls himself, but that doesn't make any sense since we're told he's illiterate

  • The new pope... is cool? It wasn't just enough that former pope and evil-warlock-lookalike Benedict stepped down, but the new (and improved?) Pope Francis came in like a wrecking ball (pardon the awful Miley Cyrus pun). He's likable, he's down to earth, and has said to stop worrying so damn much about abortion, contraception, and homosexuals, because there's a lot more important shit going on in the world. He even changed the once bulletproof glass-covered popemobile so that he's way out in the open. His way of telling the world 'come at me bro.' If that isn't gangsta, I don't know what is.

We never thought we'd see the day that a pope is considered cooler than we are. Which is kind of depressing. So we'll end on that note, and jump straight to our...

ABftS Bonehead of the Year 

That's right, the whole year. And this year's honor easily goes to the aforementioned Kim Jong Un. Just look at the facts. All in one year this man executed his ex-girlfriend for baring her ankles on TV, executed his uncle for disagreeing with him, launched a missile that was limper and more pathetic than Hugh Hefner's 87 year old 'rocket', and has his whole country convinced that they could crush us all with their superior military forces... they just choose not to, because he's, like, super merciful and peaceful and stuff.

And so this 200 lb diabetic toddler is our Bonehead of the Year, because there's nothing more embarrassing than flexing the military muscles you never had. Except maybe having a research and development team with a fifth grade understanding of science.

What was your favorite event of the year?

Cheers and stay classy for another year, friends,

Beer: Wynkoop Colorojo
Music: Ollie Vee

Monday, December 23, 2013

Agent Santa Claus is Coming to Town

This week is Christmas, and to celebrate, we wanted to sing you a little Christmas song. One you probably already know and love. Because this year, we feel that Santa Claus is Coming to Town is even more relevant than it's ever been before.

Sing along with us, will you?

You better watch out
You better not cry

Better not pout
I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town

He's making a list
And checking it twice

He's gonna find out
Who's naughty and nice

Santa Claus is coming to town

He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake

He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!


So just remember, kids, Santa knows when you're sleeping, he knows when you've been lying to your parents, and he knows that you're into some really weird Internet porn. And now that Santa's been snooping on all of our Internet browser histories, well, Christmas has been officially canceled, you sick asshole.

If you should still choose to celebrate this holiday, then we wish you to have the very best. Just don't expect any presents from Santa unless it's a bar of soap and a Bible.

In closing, we'd like to continue the holiday theme by tipping our hats to this week's...

Bonehead of the Week

Which goes to... Krampus!

For those of you unfamiliar with Krampus, he's basically the hell-bound counterpart of jolly olde St. Nick. And whereas Santa Claus is tasked with the the slaphappy job of giving out Christmas presents to the "good" kids, he leaves the dirty work of punishing the "asshole" kids to Krampus. In simpler terms, Krampus is Santa's hitman. He finds the bad kids, drags them out of their beds, stuffs them in a basket, and beats the living shit out of them with a big ass stick.

Also, Krampus is apparently fond of the Taiwanese "Licking Torture" method.
So why is Krampus our bonehead of the week? Because he's really dropped the ball, that's why. We need Krampus more than ever this holiday season and he is nowhere to be seen. Let's face it, with all of the little snots we've seen snubbing their noses at the last generation iPad because that's sooo 2012, maybe they just need the asshat beaten out of them by a horrifying, immortal demon, right? Right?

Cheers and stay classy, folks! And whether you celebrate Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or just another happy day of mindless existence... enjoy it. We know we will.


Beer: Upslope Belgian Style Pale Ale
Music: Howlin' Wolf

Monday, December 16, 2013

Change Is Sometimes Good

We've always been afraid of change. I mean, it's easy to get used to the same old thing. To stay inside your comfort zone.

It takes a lot to get us out of our comfort zone. Like a want of better things. Or an irritable cat with a toothbrush shank.

Change can be a scary thing, can't it? Often times it means losing something, like time. Or your place of address. Or your penis.

But a lot of times change is for the best. Especially with things that absolutely need changing. Like underwear.

Or politicians.

And even if a change isn't for the best, we fleshbags have a good knack for adapting to things, don't we? Which is why we're changing. And we're not just changing the layout of this site (which is pretty fucking sweet, isn't it? ((kudos Bryan)), but also the content. What we're hoping to bring to you, comrades, is better comics, better writing, and far more intelligently evolved dick jokes (as you see above).

But that means... well, that means we've got to change, too.

This means we can branch out and experience new things. In this case, facial expressions.

Plus, you know, Brandon has a mouth now, which is pretty cool.

As with all things, there are pros and cons.

Plus, there's going to be lots of new stuff.

No, not new like that. But we can do so much more with our jokes than we ever could before. So stay tuned for next time when Brandon shows you EXACTLY what you can do with brand new cartoon elbows (rated NC-17).

Until then, we'd like to end with a new segment, our...

ABftS Bonehead of the Week

This week's winner is Kanye West, who once uttered this magnificent quote about reading:

"Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed. I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book's autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books. I like to get information from doing stuff like actually talking to people and living real life." -- Reuters, February 2009

And yet... this same man expects you to read his book, full of 'Kanyeisms,' called (modestly) Kanye West Presents Thank You and You're Welcome. This turd contains such "geenyus" literary gems as "I hate the word hate" and “They say ya additude determines ya laditude..."

So let's raise our mugs to Kanye and thank him for further spreading not just his idiocy, but illiteracy. Because who needs the magic of books when you have an overrated rap career and an aging glamour queen with a huge ass?

(And yes, we realize this all happened four years ago, but we doubt he's changed his position on reading, and that's really the point here, which goes along with today's theme. You can change your underwear and you can change your blog design but you can't change stupid.)

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Music: Mkaio
Beer: Twisted Pine Hoppy Boy