Thursday, October 31, 2013

The Scariest Halloween Story Ever Told

Being as how today is Halloween, we wanted to celebrate with a scary story. A story so truly horrifying that all who've heard it have been completely paralyzed with fear.

But we were not prepared for the true horror that awaited us...

That's right, when it comes to scares, ghosts and ghouls and demons are nothing. Imagine a world where the popularity vote is truly all that matters and celebrity waste-of-space Kim Kardashian not only runs, but becomes the next president of the United States...

By a landslide.

The only thing Mr. Poopynoodles begs for is belly rubs and butt scratches

...And this, of course, would turn Kanye West into First Lady, where he would abuse what little power he had immensely.

The annual State of the Union address would merely be a yearly Kanye West concert that everyone in America is forced to watch, as the address is typically broadcast on almost every channel on TV. Think about that.

So this Halloween, as your friends tell stories of axe murderers and demons bathing in a lake of fire, just remember that in 2016, when Kim Kardashian is legally old enough to run for president of the United States, the mere possibility of her driving the country into the ground by way of popular and idiotic vote is not that impossible. Tell this story, wait for stunned silence, and then say, "Top that, bitches."

They won't be able to.

Cheers and stay horrified, friends

Beer: Lagunita's Dogtown Pale Ale
Music: Childish Gambino

P.S. Just another reminder that with this being Halloween, we're offering a week long 30% off discount on the paperback version of our new horror novel The Graveyard Shift. Just copy the coupon code below, and enter that bad boy at checkout to get 30% off. It's smarter than Kanye, it looks better than Kim K's ass, and it's scarier than sitting through an entire episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. So grab it cheap while you can!

Discount code: XTMCD38C

Monday, October 28, 2013

Working For the (North Korean) Government Has Its Perks

We've told some pretty tall tales in our day. We've ghosthunted with douchetastic ghost-bro Zak Bagans. We elected a retarded, krumping goat as our president. We even saved Charlie Hunnam's career. We do all of this for fun, but we never thought these kind of stories would have caught the attention of some very important people looking for our particular storytelling skill set.

Our new employer? The North Korean government, of course.

North Korea is no stranger to ridiculous stories. As their people are shut off from the entire rest of the world, they're forced to listen to whatever BS the government feeds them. And they believe it. For example, an article last year claimed that North Korean archaeologists found a unicorn's lair.

And in a video, they even claimed to have blown up the Capitol Building and set their sights on the White House, to keep us Americans "in check."

So when we heard we were going to work for the North Korean government, we were just ecstatic terrified out of our minds. They picked us right up before any other potential employer could snag us kidnapped us violently in the middle of the night and offered us a very generous compensation package promised they wouldn't murder us if we worked hard for them.

Our first story (aside from 'please help us anyone,' which resulted in a full day's worth of beatings): the shutdown that previously held up the American government for 17 days and cost us $24 billion dollars was not due to congressional disagreement. Rather, it was the infiltration of Kim Jong Il, who is not dead, but has actually spent the past 2 years posing as a congressman from a state no one gives a shit about. On October 1st, he served his glorious nation by shutting down the US government.

He also knows every single one of Montana's secrets. The US government is still trying to figure out if this actually holds any sort of value whatsoever.

Kim Jong Il is also responsible for the lunar pull and solar eclipses, and when the Insane Clown Posse posed the quandary, "Fucking magnets, how's that shit work, yo?" the correct answer, of course, is Kim Jong Un, who when not bravely fighting diabetes and hypertension, also fights magnetic poles.

Stay tuned for next time, when we unveil the cause of the obesity epidemic in America (hint: it's Kim Jong Il posing as a delicious McDonald's hamburger). That is if we aren't beaten for our western insolence.

Cheers and stay informed, friends,

Music: Do the sirens that usher everyone off to a hard day's labor count?
Beer: Prison-style toilet wine

P.S. In honor of this week being Halloween, we're offering a week long 30% off discount on the paperback version of our new horror novel The Graveyard Shift. Just copy the coupon code below, and enter that bad boy at checkout to get 30% off. It's perfect not just for those who haven't yet bought the book, but for those who might have snagged the Kindle version but still want the paperback copy to grace their library. We truly mean it when we say this is the sharpest looking book we've put out to date.

Discount code: XTMCD38C

Thursday, October 24, 2013

How Not to Be an IT Guy

If you read Monday's post, then you know that my laptop essploded and I couldn't create any purdy pictures for our blog. Well, with a little help from my useless IT degree and a little bit of consulting Lord Google, I was actually able to repair my laptop and get it running again. Suddenly my $40,000 in school loans is totally worth it!

So as some of you may or may not know, I used to be an IT guy. I was once the very person I hate... this guy.

That career path is long behind me, but it's still funny to see that even if computers have changed drastically over the past 10 years, people have not. Users still haven't found the elusive "Any" key. They also haven't learned not to surf porn at work and riddle their machine with viruses. The phrase 'Have you tried turning it off and on again?' still fixes 95% of issues.

IT people haven't changed much, either. So today I'm going to tell you how not to be an IT guy (or gal). That's right, it's easy to be an IT guy. All you have to do is have an intermediate knowledge of how computers work and a basic understanding of operating systems. But working with people who don't understand those things? That's an entirely different ballgame. As someone who was (mostly) beloved at his former offices, these are my 3 golden rules on how not to be an IT guy.

1. Don't speak like a robot

Let's say I don't know much about computers and I have a printer issue. I need to get my laptop to connect to my wireless printer. What I don't need, however, is an endless list of technical jargon that makes me feel like a special needs kid hearing about quantum physics.

Yes, Norbert answered my question, but he answered it like a robot would. And while the reply he gets will probably be something like this...

...what your average computer user is feeling right now is something like this.

Users appreciate it when you explain things in layman's terms, just as much as they appreciate not feeling like they just hobbled off the short bus. You don't have to speak like a caveman, but no user wants to be hit with a barrage of tech words that sound like they came out of a science fiction movie.

2. Don't act like a know-it-all

Some IT guys like to act like they know the answer to absolutely everything even remotely related to a computer. But let me let you in on a little IT secret: we don't know all of the answers. Technology is ever-changing, users are finding more and more creative ways to fuck up their systems, and no one's truly seen every problem out there. So what happens when we don't know the answer? We hit up "The Google" just like everybody else, we find an answer, and we try it out to see if it works or not.

Yeah, that's right, puns, bitch!

3. Don't be a dick

Some might see this as 1 and 2 combined. Others might see this as 'no shit, Sherlock.' Either way, it's something I saw way too much when working in IT. Let's say Susie in accounting just brought down the entire Internet by deleting her Internet Explorer icon from the desktop. She already feels like an idiot by not understanding the situation or what she did wrong; the last thing she needs is for you to make her feel like an even bigger idiot.

What she says after you fix her issue will probably be something like this...

But what she's really thinking is this...

Remember, don't be a pretentious dick to someone's face if they don't know as much about computers as you do. Save that for behind their backs. I mean, that's just simple Etiquette 101, bro.

Those of you who've had to deal with IT folk... any other tips?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Music: Capital Cities
Beer: Red Rocket Ale

PS For those wondering how I fixed my laptop to bring you today's wonderful drawings, I was able to run a disk repair tool on my hard drive and repair a few corrupted sectors, meaning my drive is running for now while I transfer all of its local data to an external drive and order a new HDD...

LOL, JK you guys. All I did was this.

Monday, October 21, 2013

My Computer Hath Exploded... Again

Hey folks, so as some of you may or may not know, I (Bryan) am the one who does the majority of the art around here. Well, over the weekend, before I could draw out today's post, my computer exploded. Again. This is seriously the 4th computer with catastrophic hardware failure that I've gone through in the past 5 years. Apparently drawing crappy MSPaint comics, writing novels in Word, and surfing the Internet is just asking WAY too much of a computer. In fact, I've posted about this multiple times before.

So, since I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to do and currently have no means of drawing comics (this is being posted from a netbook that barely runs), I'm recycling an oldie (but a goodie) post from 2011 when THAT year's computer exploded. That's right, today's recycled post is not only topical, but needed no changing whatsoever to relate to this weekend.

I still can't figure out whether that fills me with relief or just makes me want to bang my head against a table even more. Enjoy.


       So if my comments have been lacking a little lately, it's not because I hate you or because I'm cheating on you with other bloggers (you know I'd never hurt you, gurrrrrl)... it's because my computer exploded.
       This weekend I was happily surfing porn the web, when suddenly my computer locked up and wouldn't respond. I shut it down, pushed the power to turn it back on again, and then the internals gave a death cry that sounded a little like a cat in a garbage disposal. It's completely toast. I did some digging around, and I have concluded the only logical reason why my computer would bomb itself out of nowhere.
       It's a terrorist.
       Think about it. There I am, patriotic Joe American, surfing and refreshing myself on the 3 executive branches (or looking at midget porn, whatever) when my hard drive goes all Jihad on me and detonates itself.
       How unamerican.
       The following is a very, very dramatic rendition of this.






       And what happened to me? Well, don't worry about me, folks. I was fine.
       Cue bad-ass, slow motion, walk-away from movie explosion.

Hell yeah

The computer on the other hand... that's definitely going to call for a replacement. So now I just need to count my pocket change and see what kind of computer I can buy for... $37.18.

I guess I'll see you on Thursday when I'm composing posts from my brand new Speak-N-Spell.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Beer: The bastard blew up my fridge
Music: Ringing ears

PS For the time being I'm semi-working on an old netbook. He can't draw, but at least I can surf the web, and I'm not too worried about him blowing me up. He's definitely not a terrorist. I'm pretty sure he's Jewish. Well, about running programs, anyway.


Thursday, October 17, 2013

The Aggressive Hobo Spider: Nature's Asshole

So recently the wife and I were tucked in bed, sleeping soundly, when we were attacked by a spider. Or rather, she was attacked by a spider, because when we awoke the next morning she was covered in 5 huge bites on both of her legs, and I was perfectly fine.

Meaning that this spider was apparently racist.

At first, they just looked like regular spider bites.

But as a few hours progressed, they kept getting worse.

The wife was now feeling nauseous, had a fever, and her legs were swelling. Like, her calf blew up to the size of a softball. Like the good husband I am, I consulted Lord Google to see what could have been responsible.

Actually, it sounded like she had a black widow bite, so we rushed her to the urgent care center. There, the doctor told her it actually looked like a brown recluse spider bite, and that there was a possibility that the skin could start to develop necrosis. So if it came to that, we'd just have to bring her back in and do a skin graft. Or, since health care sucks here, saw off her leg and disinfect the wound with Jack Daniels.

Essentially what $200 a month worth of healthcare will buy you, God bless the USA

Thankfully her skin didn't fall off, but the venom did remain in her system for a while, leaving her leg muscles partially paralyzed to the point that she spent most of the week walking like a handicapped person. And I spent most of the week giving her shit for it*.

*Hey, she's fine. I wouldn't do this if she was in pain

Also, the spider that attacked her wasn't a brown recluse, as is often misdiagnosed by doctors. It was an aggressive hobo spider (yes, that's seriously its name). We know this because we caught a baby hobo trying to pry its way inside of our balcony door and looked up its markings. Don't let the name fool you, though, it's every bit as venomous and dangerous as the brown recluse, including that whole paralysis and necrosis thing. Except instead of being a recluse, this one's an aggressive asshole. And he looks like something out of a horror movie.

I'd probably be an asshole if I looked like this, too.
So potato/potatoe. Hobo/recluse. Whatever it was, this didn't solve the whole problem of having one of these guys still roaming around the house. Because somewhere lurking in our room was one mean bastard of a spider, and he'd now had a taste for human flesh.

So we each presented unique solutions of how to deal with this unfortunate problem.

But it turned out it was our cat who saved the day (or at least we think she did). We found her the next day sporting a fat lip, with a small bite mark beneath it. A bite mark that looked exactly like my wife's.

We think that our cat (who, like all cats, loves eating spiders) valiantly avenged her mother in a duel to the death that ended in the spider being eaten.

The following is an overly dramatic interpretation of said events.

...Or, you know, something like that.

Whatever happened, neither of us have been attacked by any more spiders, and as of today the wife's made a full recovery.

hobo spider bite
No, my wife is not obese - this is the kind of swelling/damage a hobo spider bite will cause

The hero's fat lip (don't worry, she's fine now)
Ever had a terrible bite?

Cheers and stay spider-free, folks,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Beer: Lagunita's Little Sumpin' Ale
Music: Du Tonc