Thursday, August 29, 2013

Colorado: To Secede or Not to Secede...

In case you haven't heard the news, a group of fine upstanding citizens bunch of yokels in northern Colorado are putting a vote on this year's ballot to begin seceding from the rest of Colorado and essentially becoming America's 51st state. As if integrated schools and women being able to vote wasn't bad enough, now that marijuana is legal and "the gays" are on their way to getting married legally, the residents of Weld County, Colorado have decided they're fed up with all of this scary "progress" and want a state all of their own.

And, honestly it makes both of us here at ABftS horrified to think that this 51st state thing could pass. Not because we give a shit about Weld County, but because it could unleash complete and utter chaos. Here's why:

1. Colorado is a perfect rectangle.

Go ahead, look at this beautiful state on a map. What you'll see, plain and simple, is a monument to symmetry.

Look at that gorgeously rectangular state. It couldn't be any more perfect if you slapped a pair of tits on it.*

*FYI, the Rocky Mountains totally count as some awesomely massive and wonderful tatas

But what Northern Colorado is proposing is to break up this beautiful symmetry, because it's not just Colorado that's effected. Certain parts of Kansas and Nebraska are saying they want in on the action, too. Which means they'd essentially turn our state into something a 3 year old scribbled out with a pack of crayons.

2. No one wants to be the South. Not even the South.

If Northern Colorado secedes, then what does that make us? It makes us Southern Colorado. AKA the South. And what do you think of when you think of the South? That's right--shotguns, chewing tobacco, and unyielding racism. Frankly, we don't need that kind of label placed upon us. Nothing good can come of it.

3. When does the madness stop?

The kind of people that think Colorado being more progressive is a bad thing are the same people who think that legalizing gay marriage is a "gateway drug" to letting people marry their pets, or their children, or rocks. And by that same logic, if Northern Colorado secedes from Southern Colorado, where does it stop? Will Western Colorado want their own state now, too? What about Southwestern Colorado? When does it end?

Sure, there's all kinds of political reasons, like allocating new senators, and the balance of parties, blah blah blah, but truly, those take a back seat to the real issues. And come November, I think you know how these two gents will be voting... because ain't no one taking away our damn purdy rectangle.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Beer: Odell Cutthroat Porter
Music: Small Black

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Monday, August 26, 2013

How to Be a Creeper

Today's post is one for the gentlemen, specifically, you single fellas currently on the prowl for love. Are you worried that you're too much of a "nice guy"? Well, that's because Mrs. Right wants someone who's intense. In your face. Unyielding. With our help, you'll learn that no never really means no. Just follow these three simple tips and you'll be drowning in the ladies in no time.

Because women just love the creepers.

1) Flattery Will Get You Everywhere
Yes, everyone knows that the fairer sex loves to receive compliments. Don't we all? But what you probably didn't know is that compliments are like hand grenades. The more of them you graciously lob at your prospective lady, the more likely she is to remember you.

Remember, the more creative they are, the better.

Oh, and don't forget, you don't want to hit on a married woman. That's just not cool. So always make sure that you inquire about her relationship status. And trust us when we say that women really appreciate you hinting at this in a clever, subtle way.

2) Follow, Follow, Follow
Again, it's no secret that sometimes women like to play hard-to-get. It's a love game that reaches so far back in history that it's even credited with the invention of the caveman's first billyclub. Basically, you virile stallion, what we're trying to say here is that women love to be followed around. It doesn't matter when or where, if you've got your eye on a sweet young honey, feel free to let her know how interested you are by demonstrating the stamina of your persistence.

3) Never Break Eye Contact. Ever.
Much like a job interview, or that important meeting with your boss, eye contact is crucial. Except in the game of love, the position at stake is much more important. It will likely be reverse cowgirl, or maybe even doggy-style. Therefore, you can't afford screw up. Don't let your attention wander from her lovely eyes for even a second. Not even to ogle her breasts. After all, you're no amateur. You're a gentleman.

There you have it, you newly christened ladykillers. The most important list of dating tips you've never read anywhere else. Adhere to these guidelines and you'll have heads turning in no time. And worry not if they're turning away from you, because you know exactly what that means. Follow, follow, follow!

Cheers and stay classy, folks!


P.S. We don't actually condone any of the above behavior. Please don't call us from jail. We know you need it but we're not putting any more lube money in your commissary account.

Beer: Colorojo
Music: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Reality TV for the Shower

We've gotten about a dozen random emails in the last year asking why we (Brandon and Bryan) don't have our own reality TV show. Because, let's face it, if Honey Boo Boo is allowed to not only avoid genetic sterilization every day, but have her own reality show, then why shouldn't we? I mean, we both lead such interesting lives...

Like Brandon, who, thanks to his family contracting business, spends most of his days inside the homes of strangers...






And sometimes, just sometimes, (when all other avenues of procrastination have been expired) he writes...

And Bryan's days are nothing shy of Emmy-bound TV in the making either. As a full time stay at home writer who takes Internet surveys to pay the bills, his days are a constant thrill ride of nonstop action and entertainment. Like when he does product tests for money.

And sometimes he even has to make difficult executive decisions.

And even though he stays home all day, he still finds time to be a social butterfly and keep up with his favorite hobbies. Sometimes both at the same time, like when cooking gourmet meals for new friends.

And at the end of the day, he takes those valuable life experiences and turns them into award winning novels.

So there you have it, folks. A knockout look at why we totally deserve our own show. If you'll just forward this link on to your most connected friends, I'm sure we'll be live and on the air next week right after the latest episode of Pawn Shop Storage Bachelor Cupcake Trucker Dancing Wars or some such bullshit.

Cheers and stay classy, folks!


Beer: Denver Pale Ale
Music: White Fudge

Monday, August 19, 2013

A Game of Groans

I don't know about you guys, but after a big dinner party it's kind of fun to sit down with a group of friends and play a nice board game over a beer or three. It doesn't matter whether it's Risk, or Scrabble, or even just Monopoly. Every once in a while it's fun to just play a very simple kids board game and unwind.

We've found that when we do this, though, certain things always just seem to happen. Like, for example, there's always someone that loses within 30 minutes of playing, and is forced to sit through the entire rest of the game as nothing more than a very bored spectator.

Worst of all for this quick loser is that the game always lasts an eternity. And this is in no way helped by the one guy who's too busy doing everything else but playing the game.

And he's also flirting with someone's wife.

So this game will invariably last until 2 in the morning. Not just because of the straggler, but because of that one over-competitive asshole who just refuses to let it end until he's declared the winner.

But worry not, because immediately after the proclamation that he's going to win, the guy who doesn't give a shit overtakes the competitive asshole and wins the game on the spot.

And really, that's why we as adults still play kids board games. Because they're just so darn fun.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Music: Daniel Romano
Beer: La Fin Du Monde

P.S. our friend Andrew Leon over at Strange Pegs is releasing the first volume of his latest novel today. Go check it out and support an Indie author!