And, honestly it makes both of us here at ABftS horrified to think that this 51st state thing could pass. Not because we give a shit about Weld County, but because it could unleash complete and utter chaos. Here's why:
1. Colorado is a perfect rectangle.
Go ahead, look at this beautiful state on a map. What you'll see, plain and simple, is a monument to symmetry.
Look at that gorgeously rectangular state. It couldn't be any more perfect if you slapped a pair of tits on it.*
*FYI, the Rocky Mountains totally count as some awesomely massive and wonderful tatas
But what Northern Colorado is proposing is to break up this beautiful symmetry, because it's not just Colorado that's effected. Certain parts of Kansas and Nebraska are saying they want in on the action, too. Which means they'd essentially turn our state into something a 3 year old scribbled out with a pack of crayons.
2. No one wants to be the South. Not even the South.
If Northern Colorado secedes, then what does that make us? It makes us Southern Colorado. AKA the South. And what do you think of when you think of the South? That's right--shotguns, chewing tobacco, and unyielding racism. Frankly, we don't need that kind of label placed upon us. Nothing good can come of it.
3. When does the madness stop?
The kind of people that think Colorado being more progressive is a bad thing are the same people who think that legalizing gay marriage is a "gateway drug" to letting people marry their pets, or their children, or rocks. And by that same logic, if Northern Colorado secedes from Southern Colorado, where does it stop? Will Western Colorado want their own state now, too? What about Southwestern Colorado? When does it end?
Sure, there's all kinds of political reasons, like allocating new senators, and the balance of parties, blah blah blah, but truly, those take a back seat to the real issues. And come November, I think you know how these two gents will be voting... because ain't no one taking away our damn purdy rectangle.
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon
Beer: Odell Cutthroat Porter
Music: Small Black
(care of NorthColorado.us)