Thursday, June 27, 2013

Rando: Harass Complete Strangers With Your Random Pictures!

The other day a good friend introduced us to a cool new picture sharing app for Android and Apple smartphones and tablets. It's called Rando, and it ended up being so stupid, and pointless, and inane... that we had to share it with you today.

rando ipad iphone android app

No, this post is in no way sponsored or paid for. We were just really that amused by it. The basic premise is that you exchange random pictures with complete strangers all across the world, and it's entirely anonymous. You take a picture, and it's sent to someone random. In exchange, you get a picture taken by another random person. You never know who sent you a picture, and whomever gets a picture from you never finds out who you are. Images can only be tagged by location, so the most you'll know about the sender is what area of the world the picture was sent from... I.E. Moscow, Warsaw, etc.

The only catch is that to receive a picture, you have to send a picture first. And the picture has to be taken live, on the spot, to give a more spontaneous feel.

So for example, Bryan took a picture of his latest invention, the ghetto homemade air conditioner...

homemade air conditioner

In exchange, he got a picture of a Korean person's living room.

kim jong un makes the sun shine
"Today in Korean news, Kim Jong Un made the sun shine and the grass grow, his army defeated the pathetic Americans with his super advanced missiles, and Kim Jong Il is totally not dead, he's just taking a really long nap after being so awesome."
And Brandon sent a picture of a Cabana Girl Ken doll he found in someone's house...
Hell yes this bitch is home-knitted!
And, in exchange received a much less tasteful photo of a Turkish street market...

You know Turkey's classy because their signs wear tuxedos.
Sure, sometimes you get a picture of a floor or a ceiling or something mundane like a finished bowl of cereal, but it's interesting not only to see other parts of the world through another's eyes, but sometimes you get some real gems.

Like, sometimes you get someone's cute dogs...

Half of me wants to punt this dog like a football, and the other half of me kind of wants to hug it. Is this what being pregnant is like?
To which of course Bryan sent out a picture of his own super cool hipster dog to someone else...

hipster dog
1. (•_•)
2. ( •_•)>⌐■-■
3. (⌐■_■)
4. Deal with it.

Sometimes you get someone's cool new shirt, or groovy pair of shoes. Other times, you get someone's fashion trainwreck, like socks and sandals... x2.

socks and sandals never look good
"Let's show the world how good we look."
"God, we look sexy."
"Great. Now let's go home to our 12 cats and not have sex."

So Bryan might send something back like his oven mitt with googly eyes, Adolf Mittler.

oven mitt with googly eyes
"Feed me baking sheets, mortal."
If you're even feeling daring (like Bryan), you can take a picture of yourself. Here he is squaring off with his Body Opponent punching Bag, or BOB.

sparring body opponent bag
My bet's on the guy with arms.

And in exchange you might just get a picture of someone else. Like this picture of an angry, obese Russian man we got.

fat ugly russian duck face flipping off
"Yeah, fuck those fat, ugly, duck-faced Americans!"
Best of all, we've both been using it for days now and still no cock shots (bonus!).

So is it stupid? And brainless? And extremely pointless? Yes, absolutely. But it's also a ton of fun and very addictive. So if you get a chance, go check it out. You might just get a picture of Bryan surfing on top of his grill or Brandon pitching a tent in his backyard (It's camping season, you sickos).

rando for androidrando for ios apple

Cheers and stay random, friends,

Music: Waylon Jennings
Beer: Newcastle

baller chinese kid
Kid's three years old and already got more game than the two of us combined.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Build Your Own $30 Beer Bong Air Conditioner

Recently our air conditioning system broke, which is not pleasant in a hot, dry Colorado summer. See, contrary to popular belief, we are not full of snow year round, and we don't all ski to work. It's 100°+ here in summer (38° C for our non-Americans friends) and without AC, it's like living in an oven.

The soonest a repairman can come out is one week. One agonizing week. So like any man with a lack of common sense, I had one of those "hold my beer, I'm going to make magic happen" moments. I set out to build my own air conditioner for under $50. McGuyver style.

It turns out the end result actually worked. So I thought I'd share it with you all today.

What you need:

1. A fan ($15)
2. Copper refrigerator tubing ($10)
3. Rubber or vinyl tubing ($5)
4. Zip ties ($1)
5. Small hose clamps ($2)
6. (Optional) Submersible water pump ($15)
7. (Optional) Your favorite craft beer (no cost - come on, you should already have this)

Step One: Crack open a beer. Not only will you preemptively cool down, but the more you drink your beer, the more you'll think this is a brilliant idea.

Step Two: Zip tie the copper refrigerant tubing in a circle around the front of the fan, and then cut off the ends of the zip ties.

Step Three: Using hose clamps, tie the vinyl or rubber tubing to each end of the copper piping.

Step Four: Get one container and fill it with ice water (B). For that truly "I'm poor" look, I like using a milk jug. Get another container and let it serve as your drain (A).

Now, treating it like a beer bong or like you're siphoning gas out of your asshole neighbor's truck (Or, I guess if you want to get all scientific, Bernoulli's equation), suck on the drain end (A) until cold water starts flowing into the copper tubing. It'll get trapped in there, and since the copper retains the water's coldness, the fan will blow cold air until the water reaches room temperature again (30 minutes or so). Once it warms up, just repeat the siphoning process to flush out the warm water into your drain, and pull more cold water into your copper coiling.

Voila! Ice cold air... So long as you're willing to act like a fully booked prostitute and suck tube hourly.

BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE (screamed Billy Mays' reanimated corpse). Because like any lazy ass innovative DIYer, I'm a fan of any project that involves someone or something else doing the work for me. So if you have an extra $15 to spend, let's kick this bitch up a notch and add some automation so you can give those poor lips a rest.

Step Five: Take a submersible fountain water pump, and hook one of the vinyl/rubber tubes (I ended up going for a bigger, thicker black tube over that small, less efficient white tube for better liquid flow... feel free to insert your own dick joke here) to the pump, which you'll put at the bottom of a cooler full of ice water. Then take the second tube, and let it drain back into your cooler.

build your own air conditioner

Now when you start the pump, it'll push water in a constant icy stream through the copper tubing, then drain back into the cooler, where the process will repeat. And with the stream remaining constant, the copper piping (and the air pushed out of the fan) will be much colder.

There you go, your own ghetto homemade, fully automated wannabe air conditioner. I'm not kidding - not only does this work, but it works pretty damn well. If you don't believe me, just ask my cat, who absolutely loves it and has not stopped standing in front of it all weekend.

So (hopefully) now you can say something that no one's probably ever uttered before: "Reading A Beer for the Shower has taught me something." And if your AC conks out on you or you're just feeling cheap adventurous, you now can go forth and impress your friends, family, or spouse by building this device... Or add to their suspicion that you're a bizarre recluse with too much time on your hands.

Either way, as my favorite Canadian handyman always used to say, "If the women don't find you handsome, at least they should find you handy."

Cheers and stay classy, folks,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Beer: Sam Adams Summer Ale
Music: The Wombats

Thursday, June 20, 2013

An Open Letter to Screaming Children

Welcome, one and all, to our Thursday post. It's a lot like our Monday post, but on Thursday. Today, in belated homage to Father's Day, we're talking about screaming children. Specifically, we'd like to thank the parents who don't let their children's rampant howling and hollering stop them from visiting quiet public locations. Cheers to you folks and your stellar parenting! You know, the parents that do this...

Or this...

So, where are we happiest to see your child's frequent, unchecked meltdowns? Here are a few of our favorites...

A fancy restaurant - because nothing pairs a delectable Ribeye steak like the piercing shriek of a toddler who has just shat his pants at the table behind you. Certainly, we adults understand your excitement, child. We love the potatoes au gratin here so much that we too would like to jump up and down in our booths, throw bread rolls and silverware, and yell at the top of our lungs in celebration. That, however, is frowned upon. Also, kudos for taking your child and expanding his palate at the expense of everyone else in the building, because a child that's perfectly happy eating boxed mac and cheese, or boogers, or that weird brown stain he found on the carpet definitely wants to have roasted lamb with balsamic reduction.

A movie theater - Just ask any moviegoer and they'll tell you how much they appreciate having a fussy kid sitting behind them. Those seizure-like kicking fits on your seat back are so very relaxing, like having your own personal massage chair in public. And the incessant chattering throughout the film is helpful too, because really, who doesn't want to hear a child's perspective on the highly complex and confusing plot of the new Superman: Man of Steel movie.

An airplane...

A court room...

...Or a church or a library or Wimbledon or a mute orgy, or anywhere else where people usually remain fairly quiet. The list goes on and on.

So, in conclusion, thank you. Thank you, dear parents, for your deserved disregard for civil tranquility and the mental sanity of others. Because really, why should your life be the only one that your wily, screaming hellspawn gets to ruin?

Cheers and stay classy, folks!


Beer: The Reverend
Music: Nick Cave

Sunday, June 16, 2013

How to be a Whiskey Snob

After our last post about the Church of Beerintology (which is totally still recruiting) we realized that we talk mostly about beer around here, so in coming weeks we're going to branch out and try some different liquors.

Today we're going to learn how to be whiskey snobs, because we all know that drinking whiskey isn't as simple as pouring a glass and drinking it. Being a whiskey snob is a fine art.

First, you have to be dressed appropriately.

Nothing... if you want to look like a homeless wino. A true whiskey snob needs to look intelligent. Distinguished. This is fine aged whiskey you're drinking, not a jug of toilet wine.

That's more like it, White Cosby and Professor Neckbeard. Now you need to settle on a good whiskey. A really good whiskey. None of this $15 Jack Daniels swill that was brewed in some inbred alcoholic's backwoods rape dungeon.

That means you've found the right whiskey! See, all whiskey tastes like paint thinner, but the most expensive and therefore best tasting ones taste LESS of paint thinner. Now you're thinking with your wallet, guys!

Jesus, what are you, 22 year old girls on their first spring break? No, do NOT do that. Ever. You don't want to taint the taste of the whiskey in the slightest. You want to taste every bit of that smoky gasoline as it rapes its way down your throat like flavored bleach. No Coke. No lemon. Not even ice.

Simple. You need these cooling stones, which use their natural rock chilling power to lower the temperature of your whiskey up to one and a half degrees!

Rocks: not just for throwing at windows or putting googly eyes on.

Very good! You two are on the right path to become connoisseurs, because a true whiskey snob has a palate that can tell the difference between whiskey that's been chilled by one degree and one that's room temperature.

Speaking of palate, now you need to learn what you're tasting and how to accurately describe it. 'Good' and 'bad' is for uneducated amateurs. You need to learn pretentious terms like 'notes of rich mahogany' and 'hints of fine leather' and 'subtle earth tones.'

Congratulations, you're a whiskey snob! Now grab the most expensive whiskey you can find, swirl it in your glass like you own the place, and thumb your nose at those who just don't understand your complex palate!

Okay, so really now... we both like a bit of whiskey here and there (with a mixer), but truly, do people enjoy whiskey straight up or is it all just something we're told we're supposed to enjoy so we all just pretend it tastes wonderful? Because without ice or water or cola, it doesn't matter whether I drink Jack Daniels or Johnnie Walker Gold, it all tastes like gasoline to me.

Cheers and stay classy, folks,
Brandon and Bryan

Music: City and Colour
Beer Whiskey: Johnnie Walker Gold*

*Does not in fact taste like gold.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

The Church of Beerintology

L. Ron Hubbard, that mediocre Science Fiction writer, once said that "Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion." So he did, and he created something even more terrible than his literary fiction, Scientology. And a few decades later, he has the undying loyalty (and financial support) of such notable spiritualists as Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and even Vince Offer (the Shamwow guy that beat up a hooker!).

So, in completely unrelated news... we're starting our own religion. See, it seems that while drinking beer the other day we inadvertently discovered the one true religion (I'm sure you know how that is).

And so we have founded the Church of Beerintology, the religion of drinking until you "speak in tongues", and then someone shakes you really hard to purge the evil out of you.

It's scientifically proven.*
*not guaranteed to be scientifically accurate

As prophets, we bring you our 6.5% Commandments (by volume) to live by...

1) Thou shalt not spill.

2) Thou shall belligerently spurn all other religions. You know, being as how they're all wrong and we're not.

3) Thou shall observe the Sabbath. And by Sabbath, we mean "happy hour." Because only a blasphemous heathen pays $7 for a room temperature Bud Light.

4) A woman shall at all times be covered, except for her wrists... no, sorry, wait...a woman shall at all times be uncovered except for her wrists.

5) Thou shall drink beer (the holiest of liquids) in observation of the following holidays:
St. Patrick's Day
Mardi Gras
Cinco de Mayo

6) Thou shall honor the Vomitous Conception at least once weekly by praying to the porcelain god.

And finally...

6.5) If thou art seeking moral guidance, or the secret to living a happy, fulfilling life, thou shall donate no less than 10% of thy gross total income as a tithe to the Church of Beerintology in order for the secrets of the universe to be revealed to you. Because, come on guys, that stuff ain't cheap.

Forget all the bullshit you heard about puppies and sunsets and the laughter of children. The true key to happiness comes from paying us thousands of dollars so that we may impart our drunken, prophetic wisdom upon you.

Now go forth my children, and spread the word of Beerintology to all you know, preferably your rich friends.*
*No poor people, old people, or Canadians allowed. 

Cheers and stay holy, friends,

Music: The Strokes
Beer: Shiner Bock