Monday, April 29, 2013

Zach Braff Needs Your Cash

Hey guys. So we were planning to launch a Kickstarter some time in the near future to help fund the Indie movie we've been working on, but we've decided that we can't go through with it, not in good conscience. Not while movie stars like Zach Braff desperately need your money.

See, Zach Braff wants to make a follow up to his movie Garden State, and this poor, underappreciated millionaire actor/director launched a Kickstarter campaign a few days ago because he needs YOUR money to make this movie happen.

He's only asking for a measly 2 million dollars, and while he's already well over the 2 million dollar mark less than a week into it, he still needs more, and we think this hilarious starving artist deserves every penny.

You see guys, it's hard for someone like Zach to put out a film in Hollywood, where he's not at all established a name for himself yet.

Indie. You know, like our movie. Except his will have major actors, a gigantic corporate movie studio, and a multi-million dollar budget.

But the money isn't just for him. No, Zach Braff wants desperately to make a movie with his personal friend Jim Parsons, aka Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory. But, you see, friends can't just make movies together for the sake of art and the love of the movie, like we (Brandon, Bryan, Gregg, and even our new friend Jeff from South of France) are doing. No, acting in a movie with your friends requires over seven digits of cold, hard cash.

And let's not forget, folks, Jim Parsons needs your help, too. Because as an extremely unpopular TV actor with no following whatsoever, he desperately needs the chance to work in a film.

And really, guys, Zach Braff said it himself.

Which you, as a peon, will have no direct control over. But by giving him money, you'll FEEL like you're helping to create a movie, just like you FEEL like you're stopping global warming when you donate $10 to that pushy Green Peace hippie outside the mall who just won't leave you the fuck alone.

And frankly, guys, it's a solid investment. With many Indie filmmakers asking for $10,000 to make an Indie film, would you rather help fund 200 Indie movies or help Zach Braff stay relevant?

So, let's make this happen for Zach Braff, alright? Forget the thousands of projects from other unknown, undiscovered, starving artists with hidden talent populating the bowels of Kickstarter. Let's all pitch in and help Zach Braff make "Garden State Part II" the defining film of this generation. Because God knows he can't do it without you.

And after you've given to Zach Braff, please consider giving your hard earned money to other celebrities on Kickstarter, like Thom Yorke, who's going to produce his new album through Kickstarter. Mr. Yorke, once known for selling his album at "name your own price, even if it's zero" has recently realized the error of his ways and set out instead to prove that people will pay for anything as long as a celebrity endorses it.

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

Beer: Can't afford it. We gave Zach Braff our last goddamn dime.
Music: Thom Yorke's Digestive Track(t)

*To those who entered last week's contest, the drawing will take place later today and winners will be announced Thursday... with cartoons. Stay tuned!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Let's Go South of France

It's been a couple weeks in the making, but we wanted to share some cool news regarding our movie. You know, the movie we're making. One of our primary goals as producers is to make it as amazing as possible (in other words, not suck), and one thing we definitely didn't want to skimp on was music.

So meet South of France. They're one of our favorite local Indie bands, and believe it or not, they're going to be helping us with the soundtrack for Slim's movie. Thanks to their unique brand of Indie noise rock/surfer rock, with its peppy guitar riffs, a mixture of silky smooth male vocals and light, airy female vocals, and lyrics that tend to be a little dark, we felt their music would be perfect to capture the upbeat and yet often grim tale of Slim Dyson's life.

Matt (drummer), Kelly (singer/keyboard), Jeff (singer, guitar, epic mustache)
Jeff, the frontman, is also a producer at Coupe Studios in Boulder, so in addition to featuring some killer music from his band, Jeff wants to score some original music just for the movie. How cool is that?

Sure, it's "cute" when they collaborate like this, but when the two of us do it it's "gross" and "awkward."
So needless to say, the past couple weeks have been crazy. We've spent some time with Jeff and the band, and we've also learned a lot about the music world. Like how we know absolutely nothing about it. But if we can offer you one tip, it's never to touch the band's equipment if you don't know what you're doing. Even if you're trying to be helpful, it can only end poorly.

So in other words, we're thankful we don't have to do this whole music thing ourselves, and we're extremely grateful to have Jeff working with us to create a killer soundtrack for this movie.

Stay tuned for more movie updates as they come, and in the meanwhile, go check out South of France. Seriously, they fucking rock.

South of France Facebook
Another Boring Sunrise at iTunes

Cheers and stay classy, folks,


Music: Isn't this obvious by now?
Beer: Old Style (Living like a literary rockstar ain't cheap, guys)

Gregg (our director), Bryan, and Jeff

Bryan: smiling because he has no idea what the hell he's looking at

Monday, April 22, 2013

Lost and Found: Free Shit!

Hiya, folks. Today's post is a brief one but a good one. As is often the case around here, we're announcing a new story release. However, instead of asking you for money (as is also usually the case) today we're happy to announce that not only is the e-book edition of the novella free for the next two days, but we're also giving away two free paperback copies! Cool, right? This is the cover:

This isn't photoshop trickery. We actually captured this on Brandon's camera using a 19th century skeleton key, the printed manuscript, and so, SO much gasoline. Because you see, it wasn't as easy as just lighting a match and setting the paper on fire. No, it turns out that apparently it's incredibly hard to set things on fire.

Which makes us wonder, if a gas soaked piece of paper ignited with a gas lighter can barely stay aflame, how the hell do people burn down an entire forest with a fallen cigarette butt?

Regardless, we think the cover turned out well, and unlike our usual writings, this novella is actually a psychological horror story. It's not like anything we've ever written before. This is what it's about:

Alan Densmore is a failing novelist whose downward-spiraling career is driving a stake through the heart of his marriage. In an effort to repair the crumbling relationship with his wife, Lisa, he brings her to the Blue Skies Inn, a bed-and-breakfast nestled away in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. But, instead of bringing the couple closer together, the weekend getaway only delivers unexplainable terror.

Haunting memories are traded for haunting spirits as the story unfolds in this dark novella, which is told in two parts, from two separate decades.

The second half of the tale marks the arrival of a mildly famous paranormal investigator, who finds himself completely unprepared for the terrifying events that begin to unfold at the Blue Skies Inn.

So, head on over to Amazon to snare your free digital copy of the book. You can get it >>HERE<<

All we ask in return is that, if you enjoy it, please leave a review on Amazon.

Now, as to the paperback enter, all you've got to do is mention the novella's release somewhere in your next blog post (within one week from today) or in a Facebook post for you non-bloggers, and let us know about it via e-mail ( Hell, if you do both, that's two entries. Then, we'll use our cutting-edge "name-on-a-slip-of-paper-drawn-from-an-old-hat" technology to select two winners. We'll announce the winner next Monday (4/29).

And remember, it's only free today and tomorrow. After that it's regular price.

Lastly, if you don't want a digital copy, the paperback version's only $4.99 + shipping >>>HERE<<<

Stay tuned for Thursday, when we talk about some killer Indie music that is not armpit farts and kazoos (our current musical ability).

Cheers and stay classy, folks!


Beer: Upslope Brown Ale
Music: South of France

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Just the Tip (For New Writers)

         This weekend would have normally been the weekend we attended the annual Pikes Peak Writers Conference, but we aren't able to make it this year because we're swamped with a ton of great projects, like filming a movie. Also, we're broke as hell. It's disappointing because we had a great adventure last year at an Absinthe vampire party. And this year, we had wanted to teach some classes, but it's probably for the best that we didn't, because we can be kinda blunt.

Don't sweat it, friends. Your first novel is almost certainly guaranteed to be a steaming pile of unreadable garbage. Take our word for it; we've been there. Unless you edit the thing for ten years to finally polish it up (at which point you're an editor, not a writer), it's going to suck. Really hard. 

Brandon wasted two years pitching his first horrendously bad novel before he finally learned it was an enormous waste of time to keep trying to salvage it into something better. Don't focus on one single project for too long if it's not working out. It's messy, unrewarding work to polish a turd. Keep writing. Find good critics, listen, learn, and keep producing new words. They'll get better.

Sorry folks, securing your first publishing contract doesn't mean you can just sit on your hands while your books fly off the shelves. No, it means you'd better practice your sales pitch, set up a website, create a Facebook/Twitter/Google+/whatever other social network pops up, sell your soul to the devil, etc. That means you get to look forward to spending more hours pimping out your book than you actually did writing it. That is, if you want any chance of selling your full print run.

Who's a pretty girl? You are, if you want to be published again.

Seriously, be careful who you work with. You never know who's actually going to loosen that tie for you at the last moment and who's going to leave you hanging dead, buck naked in the hotel closet while they abscond with your literary man-juice. Brandon once started a collaborative novel with a published author whose only reservoir of literary originality was ripping off movie trends and pandering to minorities.

But Brandon got too busy and the guy just went ahead and completed the novel without him (without even the decency to ask permission). And since he deleted all of Brandon's writing and rewrote it (and because you can't copyright ideas), his douchebaggery was legally sound. The novel is currently being represented by a cut-rate agent and will with any karmic luck earn its author a nice case of Lou Gehrig's Disease. Or at the very least, a solid criminal investigation. Because he is eerily fond of young boys.

But don't let that deter you. Working with people is awesome. We do it every day with this blog, and our novels. We highly recommend collaboration. Just be careful not to work with someone who will screw you over.

No matter what they tell you, trends in publishing are always changing. If sparkly vampires and shirtless werewolves and a teenage girl with a bow and arrow are popular right now, that's great, but they might not be popular in a few years. Don't write to trends. Write for yourself.

Nothing's more soul crushing than writing a fad novel only to find out the fad is "sooo last year."

Oh, and as technology changes, so does the world of publishing as a whole. Don't listen to the stodgy old dinosaurs who swear that books don't need technology to thrive. That's not "experience" talking. That's "ignorance."

There you have it. It's not always sunshine and roses, and it's certainly not easy. Just know what you're getting into before you jump into the shark tank with the rest of us, and keep some Charmin handy because a lot of people are full of shit. Best of luck to you if you've chosen to follow us down that brutal, agonizing, masochistic path we call being a writer.

Because kidding aside (and bullshit aside), it's always worth it. Always. Except when it's sometimes not.

Cheers and stay classy, folks!


Beer: Yeti Imperial Stout
Music: Warren Zevon

Monday, April 15, 2013

Sexual Her-ASS-Ment 101

Once upon a time ago, back when I still worked in the white collar business world, I found that making friends was easy and drama free. In fact, I have a few old coworkers that I still stay in regular contact with. It wasn't until my wife started working in the white collar office environment that I saw how differently things can be for the ladies. It seems like people treat them a lot differently.

For starters, it can be hard to make friends. Girls can be so catty, and no matter how much my wife tells everyone she's happily married, girls will still make up rumors that she's sleeping with any guy she has to work more than 5 minutes with.

No joke, there's actually a rumor that my wife is cheating on me with a guy who's so openly gay he does in fact talk about "swooning".

But it's not just girls. The guys, well, the only guys that are friendly are overly friendly. Because they want to get into her pants. "Hi" isn't just hi. "Hi" is...

It's also...

That's not to say that all the guys in the office are like this. Just the ones who really go out of their way to talk to her. The worst of all, though... is dopey little Davy.

No, seriously, he looks exactly like this

Davy's a small Asian guy who gives everyone a weird vibe. And when it came to my wife, he started off small, with just some harmless flirting. And by harmless I mean extremely pathetic. He liked to "tease" Meli by moving the stuff on her desk and turning her pictures upside down, then giggling like a little girl when she moved them all back. Which, by the way, as a tip for all the single fellas, this is a great way to snag a woman. They absolutely love this. I'm simply amazed I didn't lose my wife to these daunting acts of romance.

Unfortunately, Davy only got worse, and the other day he finally crossed the line. He got her phone number (for emergencies only) off of the company directory and started texting her. He also decided to tap her on the shoulder in the middle of a very busy work project and ask this little gem.

My wife was offended, yes, but she wasn't sure what LEVEL of offended she was. Frankly, neither was I, because we had no idea what the hell he was asking. Was this a riddle? A joke? Some kind of kinky bruising S&M thing? She texted me immediately, and to understand what level of pissed off I should be, I took to Lord Google for a translation. The answer: apparently Asian babies can sometimes be born with blue birth marks on their butts called "Mongolian Spots" that typically go away as they grow older.

So not only was it sexual harassment, there was also a dash of racism thrown in for good measure. Which admittedly made me laugh, even though I was pretty pissed off.

And Davy, well, he almost got away with it because English isn't his first language. Which, let's face it, is a bullshit excuse. I don't care what you say, asking a woman you don't know what her ass looks like is offensive in any language and any culture. This is a professional company, after all, not a bawdy sitcom.

...but thankfully her boss's boss saw right through that shit and tore him a new (blue?) asshole. Apparently the douche is even married, and his wife is a good friend of the boss's boss. Meanwhile he's been telling everyone he's single. Needless to say, Meli was assured that the next time Davy so much as speaks to her, he's fired.

So for now, it seems, the drama is over. Which I guess means it's back to business as usual...

Any other white collared ladies here (or boyfriend/husband of a white collar lady)? Any of this nonsense happen to you?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Brightly
Beer: Left Hand Milk Stout Nitro