Thursday, March 28, 2013

Welcome to the Internet... Now Learn How to Fucking Use It

Social media is a great place to meet new people, catch up with old friends, or even sell yourself (not in THAT way, perv). It also can help portray who you are to the rest of the world, for better... or for worse. Because while social media can show everyone just how cool you are, it can also show them what a fucking goober you are.

Today we're going to help you not be an e-goober with these handy social media etiquette tips.

1. Taking pictures of yourself is great, but taking endless, blurry pictures of yourself as reflected in the bathroom mirror is lame, lazy, and kinda pathetic. First off, there's this great technology that's been around for years called "other people." What you do is you ask them if they'll take a picture of you. I know, it's a radical idea. Secondly, no matter how hard you flex those muscles or show off your new "piece," no one looks tough standing 3 feet away from their own crapper. No one.

Can you name everything wrong with this picture? Because I don't think we have enough time for that. However, this brings us to #2...

2. Leave the hashtags for Twitter only. No one likes the guy (or gal) who gets on something like Facebook or Google+ and then leaves a caption in ONLY hashtags. Real words can be cool, too. And more descriptive. Really! Plus, what the hell do half of them mean anyway? #WannaFightBro? Yeah, as posted by the guy who's only gotten in one fight in his entire life and it was with a girl. And it was a draw. Or #GiveItUp4God? Yeah, God loves when you honor him by taking a "sexy" picture in the shitter. Or #YOLO? Even without the hashtag that awful expression just needs to die. Just like the word 'Swag.'

Seriously, stop it.

3. Posting what you're thinking or feeling is part of the social media experience. So is sharing some of your favorite quotes. But people who try to come up with their own thought provoking quotes (and are far from thought provoking) just end up looking even dumber. Leave the philosophy to the philosophers, please.

I know, the wisdom of that little gem just blew your mind, didn't it? It made you want to get out of your computer chair, stop stuffing your fat face with Cheetos, and start living your life to the fullest, right?

We didn't think so.

4. Over-updating is the digital equivalent of the next door neighbor who is so annoyingly boorish that she makes you want to commit a murder-suicide just to get some peace and quiet. For example, unless you live the action-packed lifestyle of James Bond, if you find yourself posting more than ten status updates to Facebook daily you're undoubtedly the asshole all your friends make fun of behind your back. Why? Because nobody gives a shit what you ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Or how many times Little Timmy had to go pee-pee today and the status of what magical shapes his turds are making.

5. Taking pictures of your food is great, but stop trying to pass it off as artwork. It's not. See this?

This is a picture of a burrito. One that wasn't even handmade, mind you. It was ordered at Chipotle. Applying pre-made, automatic filters to this picture to make it look like it was taken 100 years ago does not qualify it as art. It just makes it a very douchey picture of a $6 burrito.

One day this will be hanging in a museum, right?
Please, we beg of you, leave the art for the artists, and if you're going to photograph something... make it something interesting, at least. The outdoors. Your dog. That new book you bought. Hell, even just a picture of yourself. I mean, you're more interesting than a $6 burrito... right?

In short, if you must use social media, you should really learn how. I mean, it's pretty simple. You're either here to look at porn, watch cat videos, sell your terrible homemade products, stalk that barista from Starbucks, or badmouth celebrities, artists, and movies. You can do any and all of those (even at the same time) without annoying the rest of us with your e-gooberness.

What other etiquette rules did we leave out? (Yes, we know there's probably a ton)

Cheers and stay classy, friends

Music: Bernhoft
Beer: 1554

Monday, March 25, 2013

Pets Are Just As Hard to Raise As Children

It's no secret that neither of us here at ABftS has children. At least, ones that have been successfully traced back to us. However, each of us does have dogs. And cats. And though we sometimes tell friends that our pets can be a real pain in the ass, they always tell us "oh, but that's NOTHING compared to raising children."

Well... we don't entirely agree. And here are a few reasons why.

1) Eventually, your kid will learn how to feed himself. My beagle, on the other hand, will never learn how to drive a damn car and purchase his own store-bought kibble, let alone open it up and serve it to himself in a bowl. What's more, he'll rely on me to control his feeding portions until the day he dies, unless I just let him eat whatever he wants, so that he winds up dying of heart disease and The Diabeetus at the age of 2, looking like a gluttonous, furry, bowling ball. Chances are good this will never happen to your kid, unless she's Honey Boo Boo.

2) At some point, your kid will stop shitting on the rug. Unless it's a family tradition. Or a particularly hideous rug. My terrier, on the other hand, will never know the magical beauty of diapers, nor possess the fortune to outgrow them, even when he's a teenager. Despite potty training, his voluntary incontinence will follow me his whole life, rearing its random, foul-smelling head in the form of piles and puddles left throughout the house like hellish presents hidden by the "keister bunny." Your kid, on the other hand, will probably outgrow this problem.

3) If your kid gets sick, they whine, and complain, and make a lot of messes, but so do dogs and cats. And let's not forget about giving them medicine. Sure, you have to fight your kids to get them to take medicine they don't like, but at least you don't have to mouth rape them by shoving a pill far enough down their throats that they'll swallow it, like I have to do with my dog. Also, I'm pretty sure you've never had to express your child's anal glands.

4) At one point, your child will learn to speak and tell you what he or she wants. My cat, meanwhile, will never get that pleasure. No, for almost 20 years she will meow, and meow, and meow. Is it because she's hungry? Constipated? Getting ready to throw up all over the rug? All of the above? Too bad I won't know until she's already done it.

In short, we're not saying it's by any means easy to raise a child. We're just trying to point out that pets, which we love like our own children, can be equally difficult to take care of. And let's face it, whether it's your son taking a dump on the carpet, or your Doberman asking for more money to help pay his tuition, neither pet nor child will ever be fully independent of you... until they're dead or you're dead.

Cheers and stay classy, folks!


Beer: Modus Hoperandi
Music: Taj Mahal

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Indie Pimpin' and the Big 3-0-0

So, this morning Bryan found Brandon awkwardly standing on a street corner, whistling at passersby. While not entirely unusual, it was strange that today he was doing it in broad daylight.

That's right, Brandon might have AIDS. And low standards. But also, our books are now officially in Colorado bookstores. Not major retailers like Barnes Ignoble or Wal-Mart, but at some awesome independent bookstores all around Denver.

I Want More Comics - 1020 W. 104th Ave., Northglenn, CO 80234

Kilgore Books and Comics - 624 E. 13th Ave. , Denver, CO 80203

Mutiny Now Art, Books, and Coffee - 2 S. Broadway, Denver, CO 80209

The Tattered Cover - All three Denver Metro locations

All of our paperbacks are, of course, still available at, along with their e-book counterparts. But now we have some local Indie cred. So do your part in keeping Brandon off the streets (and support a local bookstore) by checking out our freshly printed scribblings if you're in the area!

And if you're not in the area, well, that's okay too. We've still got something good for you. See, today's officially our 300th post, which means 2 things. First, that we've been doing this a long-ass time and can only expect to go downhill from here (think The Simpsons). Second, Bryan released a short story on Amazon. So what would you expect to pay for this amazingly awesome, funny short story? Would you pay $19.99? $9.99? $99.99? What if I told you that right now you could have this short story for 4 easy payments of...

ZERO DOLLARS? That's right, it's free. Today through the weekend it'll be completely free, a gift from us to you. It's funny, it's a quick read (5 pages), and oh yeah it doesn't cost a thing, so go check it out and use it to remember us fondly as we pass our 300th post and inevitably snowball into obscurity by way of brainless jokes, lame puns, and ridiculous storylines that are grasping at straws... ala The Simpsons.

Cheers and stay classy, folks!


Beer: Stone IPA
Music: Robert Johnson

Monday, March 18, 2013

The Show That Just Writes Itself

          It's no secret that TV shows are getting lazier, but it's recently come to our attention that even children's shows have stopped trying. Like this little gem, which we just learned is not only a real show, but going into its second season!

          Yes, it might seem unbelievable, but this steaming pile of dog crap is on television. In fact, here's a quick promo clip as found by our good buddy Chiz, who we assume showed us this clip because he's helping us to make fun of it, and not because he's a huge fan of the show (and its incredible CGI graphics, as rendered by a 10 year old computer in some Chinese kid's basement).

         Thank you, Disney, for showing that blogging is so mindless and easy that even a dog can do it. But also, thank you for proving that nowadays a show can be sold by its title alone. I mean, tell me this wasn't how this business deal went down.

           We wondered, how hard could it be to pitch a TV show solely by its name? So we put together some ideas, shot some promos, and came up with some equally great cartoons that Disney would be crazy to pass up.

Idea #1:

          It's like Dora the Explorer, except instead of exploring a map we explore the lamb's body and her constant need for sexual attention and depravity as a result of major daddy issues. What this show lacks in decency it more than makes up for with unapologetic, violent, and highly gratuitous displays of pornography.

Idea #2:

          In this show, the Frog and the Panda work together to take down America and its immoral ways. Not only is it topical, but kids will learn that when a woman shows her wrist to another man, that slut deserves a good stoning.

Idea #3:

       This show teaches children that it's not okay to be different. Because it's not. And this is coming from two straight, middle-class white guys, so I'm pretty sure we know what we're talking about.
       So, what do you say, Disney execs? We've just pinched off three fresh, steaming ideas for you in less than an hour. Impressive, right? Don't worry, there's plenty more where that came from. Just be sure to keep those fat sacks of cash coming to our doorstep and we promise you, you'll never see a ratings drop (or a lawsuit decline) ever again.

Cheers and stay classy, folks!


Also, three of our e-books are available for free today over at Amazon, and will be available for download at no cost through Friday. The books are:

So, if you haven't bought them yet, now's your chance!

Beer: Left Hand Sawtooth
Music: Led Zeppelin

Thursday, March 14, 2013

You Are Not a Robot

Hey all. Bryan here. Those who read my post a couple weeks back called My Doctor Is Kinda Useless asked to keep updated on how I'm doing. Well, instead of doing a post called My Doctor Is Still Kinda Useless, I figured I'd post this update.

I went to the doctor again. This time they ran some tests and turned me into a human pin cushion by way of bloodwork, in which I found out that I don't have high cholesterol, mono, or thyroid issues. I also don't have the HIV, the herp, the hep, bubonic plague, ovarian cancer, or feline leukemia.

The doctor said she wasn't 100% sure what the problem was, but until some of the issues started to subside, she could prescribe me some anti-depressants to help treat the symptoms. It didn't mean I had depression (which I don't - my mood is great) but it could help me feel better quicker.

I gave a hearty "fuck you" to that, because frankly, I don't want to turn into a robot. I know anti-depressants work for some people, but I'm not taking something like that without even knowing what's wrong. Regardless, today's post isn't a miserable tale about the woes of anti-depressants. No, today I wondered... what would life be like if I was a robot?

I don't think it'd be that enjoyable. For one thing, it's hard to be discreet when you're a robot.

Also, without any emotions, it's easy to become kind of a dick.

I can't imagine I'd be very funny, either. Just imagine Brandon and I trying to bounce some jokes off of each other for an upcoming post.

So basically, even though it'd probably be a lot of fun to incinerate mankind with eye lasers and enslave the human race, I don't think I'd like to be a robot. To be honest, I'd probably make a pretty shitty one. How would you fare as a robot?

Cheers and stay classy, folks,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Grizzly Bear
Beer: Flashback (Fitting, since today is Brandon's birthday. Let's all hope he spends tomorrow piecing together disjointed moments of debauchery.)