Thursday, February 28, 2013

My New Doctor is Kinda Useless

On most days, I'm the shining example of health. I'm physically active, physically fit, and physically healthy. I haven't been sick in over 15 years, and I don't even remember what the flu or a cold feels like. In fact, the last time I had gone to see a doctor, well, they used filing cabinets and pens and paper instead of computers, and I got a lollipop at the end.

So it tells you something when I booked a doctor's appointment last week, my first in almost 2 decades. I've been feeling really shitty, and I tried to tough things out and let it pass, but my symptoms weren't going away, so I decided to buckle down and seek a medical professional's advice. What I got... was absolutely useless.

...And I didn't get a damn lollipop, either.

Seriously, that's all the doctor did, and that's all I was told. A week later, I still don't feel any better. Did the doctor think I'm just some kind of big baby making all of this up? Did she not believe me? Or is this just how doctors handle all of their patients now?

So needless to say, I feel like crap, and I still don't know what's wrong with me. I now spend my days surfing WebMD, using a mixture of bad judgment and a huge list of vague symptoms to diagnose myself with all kinds of ridiculous and improbable ailments.

So until my six weeks is up, I guess I've been prescribed 100 CCs of "man the fuck up" and "quit yer bitchin." Hey, what's the worst that could happen, right?*

*According to WebMD - paralysis, limb amputation, and death

Anyone else ever been to a completely useless doctor visit?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Beer: 1000 CCs of 90 Shilling
Music: Kavinsky

Monday, February 25, 2013

They Just Don't Make Them Like They Didn't Used To Anymore

Today's post is inspired by a recent trip to the Subaru dealership, where Brandon's new car was taken in for a safety recall repair...

Five very thoroughly diagnostic minutes later…

Just remember, folks, there's only one lesson to be learned here. If ever you find yourself stepping foot inside the service department of a new car dealership, just remember to keep one hand over your asshole. And don't be alarmed if the mechanics start flinging feces.

Cheers and stay classy, folks,


Beer: Goose Island Mild Winter
Music: The Allman Brothers Band

Thursday, February 21, 2013

A Public Service Announcement

The following is a public service announcement from A Beer for the Shower

Is this you?

How about this?

Is this you, also?

What about this, on a date?

Has this happened to you?

If you've experienced any or all of the above, then we recommend getting the fuck off of your phone and enjoying life. Stop walking everywhere with your nose shoved in your cellphone. It makes you look like a zombie. And seriously, what's so interesting on your little screen that you can't just take in your surroundings or interact with other human beings around you?

Don't let life pass you by. Don't be a phone zombie.

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

Music: Sondre Lerche
Beer: Snow Day

Almost as good as wearing Google Glass, right?
Reddit, anyone?

Monday, February 18, 2013

The Great Cruise Ship Disaster of 2013

As you may have seen in the news, a Carnival cruise ship effectively turned into a floating paperweight last week when it lost all power. Well, we just so happen to have found ourselves aboard that cruise liner. But we didn't have rooms, because while it was a fancy tourist ship, we two lowly writers could only afford to ride in the cargo hold, with the precious goods we were smuggling transporting back from China. Also, we didn't even know there was an emergency. We just thought people on cruises liked to party with the lights off.

A few days passed, and we were still partying hard. Sure, it was a little dark, but it wasn't that bad.

Unfortunately, the sewage level continued to rise in the cargo hold, but we were long gone by that point. Because, frankly, once the beer's gone, the party's over. We carried our box of stuff upstairs, used its contents to build a raft, and sailed the last 150 miles to shore with some bottled water we pried off of a dead body and two armfuls of rat sushi.

Meanwhile, everyone on board was just hanging out in the dark, drinking booze and eating buffet food, completely separated from technology. We were so envious of them, but we had a delivery to make.

And much like that little Indian kid who went on a boating trip with a hungry tiger, we risked life and limb (and a serious case of Hepatitis C) to bring you fantastic news. So, what were the precious contents of our cargo container that eventually got MacGyvered into a makeshift sailing vessel? They were the first copies of our very first paperback books. That's right, all five of our novels are now available in paperback print! Badass, right? Here are the links to all five books, which can also be found in our web store (click the banner at the top of the page).

The Sensationally Absurd Life and Times of Slim Dyson
Dead and Moaning in Las Vegas
The Missing Link
Demetri and the Banana Flavored Rocketship
Chasing the Sandman

Not only are they high quality, they're also extremely buoyant, comfortable to sit on, and incredibly entertaining while you float along the open ocean, waiting to die!*

Cheers and stay classy, folks!


Beer: Smithwick's
Music: The Clash

*Our lawyers do not recommend using them for anything water-related. Only for reading and sharing.