Thursday, December 29, 2011

The Year in (Drunken) Review

         So, 2012 is right around the corner, which means I get to enjoy writing and crossing out "2011" on every single document I'm given in the next 2 months.
        Regardless, a lot of shit happened in 2011. Important stuff, I'm told. But if you're like the two of us and you drank yourself through most of 2011, you don't remember any of it, so you need some bullshit timeline to remind you of this year's major events.
         Never fear! Here at A Beer for the Shower, we've put together a (very poorly made) timeline of the things that you may or may not remember happening in 2011*.

*Not guaranteed to be accurate


1. According to statistics, Jersey Shore killed off a record number 8 million brain cells this year, besting last year's 6 million brain cells killed, probably as a result of Snooki releasing her "book," A Shore Thing.


Also, a record number of venereal diseases were spread throughout the Jersey Shore area, once again as a direct result of Snooki.

Remember kids, always play safe and wear insulated rubber gloves when you fist a whorish, orange "celebrity."
2. A bunch of rich people spat on us poor folks from atop a 1% mountain, made entirely of money...


So the poor people got sick of it. They united as one, valiantly took to the streets, and... looked like a bunch of homeless people yelling unintelligibly at police officers until they were tasered or pepper sprayed.

Meet the protesters!





Yeah... the rich people atop Mt. Money are still chuckling about this one.


3. Kim Jong Il rumored to have faked his own death after my father-in-law, who looks exactly like him, is spotted living quietly in Las Vegas.

My father-in-law would be proud of this joke, and yes, he could be Kim Jong Il's not-dead twin.
4. Bigfoot was spotted by local hunters relocating from Los Angeles to Dallas.





5. The world didn’t end.

Despite the dumbfuckery of doomsaying dickweed Harold Camping, the biblical rapture did not arrive on schedule.


As many as a dozen people the world around were left in shocked disbelief when the mathe-religio-matical nitwit failed to predict the end of days.



In case you hadn't heard, you ignorant boob, the world is going to end in 2012.

6. Osama Bin Laden takes the big dirt…Er, sand-nap.
            Yes, folks. The world record-setting game of desert Whack-a-Mole ended in 2011, with the US military crashing a terrorist soiree like cops at a frathouse kegger. That is, if cops drove helicopters. And crashed them. And killed terrorists. Which they typically don’t.*

*Except in Detroit, which is probably at least as dangerous as Afghanistan. I went to Detroit once. Once.

 
7. Brandon and Bryan tried to show their appreciation for the arts a little more.


Which basically means that every few days, lewd and foul things are done with MSPaint as the depraved duo publicly tries to make one another laugh. Since last year, this blog has switched from written-only content to about 75% web-comic. Whether it’s been a change for better or worse is up to you. But as for me, I rather enjoy having a nice pair of gorilla tits.

Cheers and a Happy New Year to all of you who take the time to read us. We appreciate it. And we’re glad you could make it to the party. But next time, please, bring better beer. And don’t shit on my azaleas.

-B&B

Beer: La Fin Du Monde
Music: Avenged Sevenfold

Monday, December 26, 2011

A Little End of the Year Magic

         So with Brandon here in town (Denver), and all of the holiday drinking madness that's been taking up our time, we're going to be a little lazy today and post an oldie but a goodie.
         Because, well, we know that a lot of you wonder how we do what we do. And while you can't teach a warped sense of humor or binge drinking (always binge responsibly, folks), you CAN teach MSPaint. So today I'm going to talk about the magic process behind the comics you know and love.
         Each one is done by hand, and each panel takes about 10-15 minutes. Also, while you should probably have a nice laser mouse, I draw mine using that stupid little clitoris looking nub that comes on old laptops.
       

       Isn't she adorable?
       So, let's talk MSPaint! For those unfamiliar, this is the generic, very basic drawing program that comes with any Windows computer. It's also the canvas for my questionable artwork. Using simple tools and a little creativity, we can make a brand new character with a full background in 10 easy steps.
Step one: Using the circle tool, draw an oblong football shape for the head, a single oval up top for the eye, and then two circles along the side for the ear. Only worry about one side.

Fill in the eye with the paint can and add a white streak across the top for luster, then use the eraser to carve out the line that defines the ear. If you haven't already, take a sip of your favorite beer, use the rectangular selection tool, and grab the side of your masterpiece like it's going to call the police on you and report you for hitting your spouse.

Copy the selected chunk, paste it, and then flip it. You can now place it on the other side of the face to create evenly placed eyes and ears. Fill it in with your favorite flesh tone (call me racist, but I'm gonna choose white!) and draw a circle in the middle for the nose.

Carve out a small portion of the circle to define the nose, and draw two lines at the bottom for the neck. Inspired by another big gulp of beer, give him a Hitler mustache and giggle to yourself because you're SOOO edgy.

Draw the outline for the hair and the bangs. You should be on your second beer by now. If you aren't, chug-a-lug, Princess Sally. We don't have all day.

Clean up the lines from the face that cut through the hair and fill it in. But... it's missing something, isn't it?

Add texture to the hair with some lines that flow in the same direction as its part. Then draw another oval for the body, take another big drink of beer, and cry a little over the $60,000 college education that brought you here instead of gainful employment.

Feeling feisty? Let's draw in some saggy old lady boobs, a sun dress, and make Hitler look like he's milking himself! This isn't the beer talking, right?

Let's add a background, pound back the last of our 2nd (3rd?) beer, and ask where we would want to put saggy-breasted, self-milking Hitler? I know, a back alley in Harlem!

I don't remember making him say that...

         There you go! You're an artist now. Or drunk. Or both. Enjoy these newfound skills, and use them wisely, my blogging comrades.

Until next time, we hope you're having a great holiday season, and as always... stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Beer: Fat Tire
Music: Julian Casablancas

Thursday, December 22, 2011

A Drunken Visit From Creepy Ol' St. Nick

          For those who are anti-Christmas, you may want to avert your eyes and go back to looking at porn, because what you're about to read may offend you. It is a Christmas story. But not just any Christmas story; it's a retelling of the classic, "A Visit from St. Nicholas," or as you might better know it, "Twas the Night Before Christmas."
          Frankly, we felt the original was slow, boring, and had almost no plot development. So what we give you is a Christmas story for the modern era:


"A Drunken Visit From Creepy Ol' St. Nick"



Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house



Every creature was fucked up, even a mouse.


The stockings were hung by the chimney in brown


Which was pretty fucking stupid cuz that shit just burnt down.


The writers were nestled all snug in their beds


While visions of Santa danced in their heads.



When in the front yard there came a great ruckus,
They went to the window, those tired muh-fuckas.

And there, by surprise, but whom should they see,
Jolly and fat; could it be, could it be? 

He crept to the house, with stealth of a cat,
Staying unseen… ‘til he kicked the door flat.


With a great, mighty belch, he wandered inside,
Cursing quite loudly, while cheering Yule tide.




His bundle, a trash bag, tossed to the floor,
His suit was unclean, like a two dollar hoor.



He raided the cupboards, drank all the beer,
The writers were shocked, and cowered in fear.




He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And “filled” all the stockings with a big nasty jerk.


The writers got angry, and chased him with brooms
And Santa ran pants-less out of their rooms.


The house was destroyed by that creepy old drunk,
What wasn't thrown up in was covered in spunk.

So now ol' St. Nick's serving 20-to-Life
And serving as Big Bubba’s prison cell wife


So now you may wonder why this story stunk,
And why Santa broke into 10 houses while drunk.

It's because Santa isn't real, you ignorant dope.
It was just a cracked up homeless guy looking for coke.


THE END


And that's the story of why we're never allowed to recite Christmas poems at the local elementary school again.

Merry Christmas, muh-fuckas!

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Music: The Subways
Beer: Asahi Dry

Monday, December 19, 2011

The Missing Link

Well, folks. Here it is. The big day has arrived at last...



Sadly, no. But it's a close third. Today is the official release of our first collaborative novel, The Missing Link. It's classy, refined, and dazzlingly philosophical. As if you were expecting any less from the two of us...or from a literary cast whose majority is made up of homeless protagonists.

Buy it here for 99 cents! -----> The Missing Link

About the book:

When the Internet collapses, society responds almost immediately…by having a meltdown.
While civilization is steadily destroying itself, IT cubicle-jockey and cyberspace junkie Brent Porter enlists the help of his grumpy office building security guard, Mickey, to find his missing computer gamer girlfriend, Molly. The trouble is, Molly’s fallen down her laundry basket and into a lewd and confusing world of nonsense, in a retelling of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland with a twist: the heroine is dumped into the deepest, darkest bowels of the Internet.
So while Brent and Mickey are searching for Molly in a city that’s gone to complete chaos, and Molly’s fighting off porn freaks, viruses, and scammers, who’s going to save humanity from the Internet (and itself)? Well, that would be the Downriver Boys, a group of homeless people who’ve never had to rely on technology to survive. These vigilant vagabonds, led by a war veteran and a half-brilliant, half-insane madwoman, will have to rely on everything they know about survival so that Brent, Mickey, and Molly will even have something to come back to.


As a special teaser, we've included a full sized picture of the cover, which I (Brandon) have to say is one of Bryan's coolest MSPaint creations ever. It's an homage to the old 8-bit days of budding video game glory and a perfect representation of the story's humor and quirkiness. Awesome, right?


So now that you know our full names... hi, Internets, this is Brandon Meyers and Bryan Pedas (sounds like 'lettuce', not like 'peeeedus'. Pettus).

You can find our book here:


For those without Kindles, fret not, because you can still read this book on your computer. On the right hand side of the page we linked above, click the link that says 'Available on your PC,' right below where you Buy.


From here, you'll be directed to a page where you can download the Kindle program for your computer. Just download, install, and register (it's free), and from there, if you buy our book, Amazon will send it to your computer, rather than to a Kindle.

The Official Beer for the Shower Contest Of Epic Awesomeness

There's also a little contest that goes with the release of this book. If you've followed this blog long enough, you know that we don't shamelessly promote ourselves, nor do we ask anything of anyone. Well, with that said, we need some help getting this book out there, and if you're willing to help us, you can win the super cool awesome prize of being featured in one of our comics.

So, how do you become preserved in MSPaint for eternity?

1.  Between now and the New Year (January 1st, 2012), put up a post about our book with a link to where you can buy it.
2. E-mail us and direct us to your post (please--otherwise we might not catch it).
3. The most funny/clever/creative post, as judged by us, will win a personalized comic of themselves and will be featured in a complete story line on our blog, along with a link back to your own page/blog. And a puppy.*

*Our legal team has just informed us we can't ship you a puppy, even if we poke a lot of air holes, because it's "dangerous" and "illegal." SO NO PUPPY. But you WILL get a super cool cartoon, which is BETTER than a puppy, because a puppy will piss on your floors and eat your shoes, and we (most likely) won't do that to you.

Also, if you should read the book, we would appreciate it so much if you could write us a review on Amazon.com. Believe it or not, reviews DO matter, and the more reviews we have, the more we can get this book out there. Unless you want to give us 1 star. Then please keep your bad taste to yourself, okay?

Lastly, if you get a chance, check out our friend Sebastian Marshall's new book Ikigai, available here at Amazon. He's a badass. You can also visit his regularly updated website at www.sebastianmarshall.com .

More funny comics will resume on Thursday. Till then, here's a goat with an orthopedic shoe telling you how much he appreciates you supporting us.



Cheers and stay classy, friends!

-B&B

Beer: Fat Tire
Music: Queen (We Are The Champions)

Thursday, December 15, 2011

We Live in a Photoshopped World

        For those who have been asking (and for those who haven't--I guess it doesn't matter, does it?) our novel is coming out on Monday via E-book. And it may be of little surprise that I'm designing the cover, and I'm doing it in MSPaint. I fancy myself quite the MSPaint artist, in a world dominated by photoshop.


        I mean, let's face it, we live in a photoshopped world. It doesn't matter whether you're looking at a model on a billboard, or a celebrity in a magazine ad, or the centerfold skanks in Jugs Monthly, they all have one thing in common: having been molested by photoshop to give that plasticky Barbie-style flesh that we as a society have become completely obsessed with. I mean, *I* never dumped a girl because I could see creases in her arm or because she had pores, but maybe my standards are too low.
        Regardless, I can't help but ask--what's the big deal with photoshop? If you want true beauty, I think you can whip up something perfect with MSPaint.

         For example, Rosie O'Donnell. I don't think any of us here want to take her home sober, two drinks in, or even falling down drunk, but just think, with a few strokes of the MSPaint brush, you can go from wildebeest...


            to goddess...

Whoa, hey there sexy lady! Nice plump lips you've got there!
       Instant hottie! Finally, people can say something like "Rosie O'Donnell to be on the cover of Maxim Magazine" without erupting in laughter.

       Or how about Tyra Banks?


       Sure, she's (kind-of) pretty for a geriatric model (she's 38, which is 87 in model years), but she talks so damn much. Nothing that MSPaint can't handle!

       
          With two parts whore, one part shut-the-fuck-up, and a little wave of my MSPaint wand, we have ourselves a winner! (Also, as a man, I should point out that duct tape truly DOES fix everything)

            Next, what about Tyler Perry? I know what you're thinking, and you're right, nothing could make that man fuckable, even by blind womens' standards. However, with a little MSPaint magic, he can go from unfunny goober...


           to laugh-a-minute-funny man...


        Or maybe not. I'm not even sure if full clown makeup can make Tyler Perry funny. But hey, at least we tried.

        Lastly, don't forget the queen of photoshop herself, Lindsay Lohan. Recently her playboy photos were leaked, and she looked, well, decent, which we all know is pure photoshop bullshit, especially after this picture of her slipped through the tabloids last month.


        Yes, that's her meth mouth, and if you're wondering about her hand, that's a slew of burns that she got presumably while handling her crackpipe. Look it up.
         So Lindsay Lohan isn't going to just need a makeover, this bitch is going to need a complete overhaul. But never fear. It's nothing MSPaint can't handle...






         *drum roll please*







        Whoa, who's that classy dame? With a solid white top hat, a monocle, a red pair of cocktail gloves, a gold locket to cover her leather turkey waddle, and a set of pearly white veneers, this girl's back on her way to the top! Frankly, my MSPaint work is the best makeover $28 can buy, and with all those savings, Lindsay can go back to spending her money on meth and cheap crack pipes instead of PR! Everyone wins!
         So if you'll excuse me, I have to go sit by my phone, because now that I've posted this, I'm expecting Hollywood's biggest stars to contact me about sexifying their image. And if that doesn't work out, well, I guess I've still got blogging and writing to fall back on.
       
Stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Beer: Kirin
Music: The Likely Lads

PS I stopped by Andrew's blog at Strange Pegs today and told the full story of the agent that screwed me over. Go check it out if you want to cry angry tears!
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