Since Halloween is on a Monday this year, aka a work day, we went out and celebrated on Saturday night by boozing it up at the local pub. There was beer, food, beer, costumes, and of course, drunken ghost stories. There was also a little crying, some mention of failure, a lot more beer, and a bit of shame sprinkled in, but after we pulled ourselves together, we decided that we should do something a little different this year and give back to the children... so we put together some scary campfire stories at the local youth outreach program.
As you may have imagined... that did not go well.
And that's the story of how we're no longer allowed within 200 yards of children.
Mood: Pleased with myself
Beer: Dos Equis
Music: The screams of the children
As a sometimes writer of horror stories, and a lover of the inventively macabre, it’s no surprise that Halloween has always been one of my favorite times of year. And even though Halloween’s origins are now as long-forgotten and mysterious to modern society as those of Christmas, I’m not choosy when it comes to rationalizing a carefree night of pub-crawls and wearing spandex tights.
Which brings me to today’s topic: Halloween costumes of years past that, in retrospect, were much better in theory than in their actual execution.
First up is the year of my uncanny Mel Gibson costume and impersonation.
And then there was the time I dressed up as The Trojan Man…
Of course, Bryan never lets me live down the year I was infatuated with Jersey Shore…
And most recently was last year, when I drew upon local Chicago inspiration and went as a South Side Blood gang member.
And I guess that just goes to show that while I love Halloween, I really do suck at choosing decent costumes. Which is why this year I’m sticking with the tried and true classics, and am dressing up as a magician. I don’t even need a costume, just a fresh cooler of beer. The night will be a guaranteed vanishing act of both the beer and my sobriety.
Most people who read this blog already know that I live in a pretty white-bread area. Suburbia, if you will. But it wasn't until I got this little gem in the mail yesterday that I realized how truly yuppie this place is.
Yes, that's right, life is too short to waste your valuable time cleaning up your own messes. I mean, why would you sweep your own floors and take out your own trash when you can have immigrants do it for you? Time is precious. Well, not the immigrants' time... that's valued at about $7.95 an hour.
And so, because of this, I have decided today's post is going to be about something I call...
"White People Problems."
AKA the problems that only yuppie white people could ever have, which are very different from the normal problems that you or I have. So we here at A Beer for the Shower are going to help you differentiate between real problems and White People Problems. For example, going off of that flyer...
But these don't just extend to the hardships of cleaning ones own property.
These also go far beyond the troubles of getting a loaner without full upgrades. No, they also affect our jobs.
I mean, really, have you guys seen the cost of Vitamin C these days? Highway robbery.
Lastly, these suburban problems can also reach the children.
And yes, if you're wondering, I've heard the car loaner and the job one first hand, which incited some very heavy eye rolling. So I have to ask, have any of you heard any white people problems? Or do you have white people problems of your own? We won't judge. I'd kill for $100k a year and a black tar heroin baby.