Stating the obvious just got you into a fight, so what do you do? Thankfully, here at A Beer for the Shower, we happen to have numerous practical solutions for emerging the victor in a bar brawl. *
*A Beer for the Shower is not liable for any bruising, injury, broken bones, vomiting, diarrhea, or death resulting from these tutorials.
1) Feign illness or death.
Personally, I prefer illness. Otherwise, if you're dead, they're going to want proof, as in no breathing. That's too hard to fake. But an epileptic seizure? You'd better believe I can fake one of those!
|And the Academy Award goes to...|
2. Kick them right in the spine.
What? This isn't man to man fisticuffs where everyone celebrates with a cup of tea and a crumpet...
...this is fighting! There are no rules, so why not just get things over with with one swift, nerve damaging, life-ending kick?
If you read that using the Stephen Hawking computer voice, the hilarity doubles. And your manliness just tripled. Let's see if Mr. Tough Guy wants to pick any more fights now that he has to move by breathing into a straw.
So, since Bryan has pretty much laid out proper fight strategy, I’m going to focus on a slightly different way to earn you an unfair advantage. Specifically, one article of clothing that will put an end to your days of perpetual beatings and public humilitation. Batman calls it a utility belt. Cosmopolitan calls it a functional accessory. I say, can’t it be both? I proudly present to you the ever-handy, tactically chic, homemade vigilante belt.
Fortunately, the aerosol spraycan/Bic lighter combo eventually takes everyone down. Eventually, fire always wins...like herpes.
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon
Mood: Ready to fight anyone
Music: Arctic Monkeys/Two Door Cinema Club