Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Idiot's Guide to Fighting

          If, like us, you pretty much live at the bar, or if even if you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, there are always people who are going to want to start trouble and fight you. We all know how it happens...

(His girl)

             Stating the obvious just got you into a fight, so what do you do? Thankfully, here at A Beer for the Shower, we happen to have numerous practical solutions for emerging the victor in a bar brawl. *

*A Beer for the Shower is not liable for any bruising, injury, broken bones, vomiting, diarrhea, or death resulting from these tutorials.

1) Feign illness or death.

Personally, I prefer illness. Otherwise, if you're dead, they're going to want proof, as in no breathing. That's too hard to fake. But an epileptic seizure? You'd better believe I can fake one of those!

And the Academy Award goes to...
Sure, you won't be impressing anyone with your machismo, but you also won't have to nurse any black eyes the next day. Now, if you DO want machismo...

2. Kick them right in the spine.

What? This isn't man to man fisticuffs where everyone celebrates with a cup of tea and a crumpet...

...this is fighting! There are no rules, so why not just get things over with with one swift, nerve damaging, life-ending kick?

If you read that using the Stephen Hawking computer voice, the hilarity doubles. And your manliness just tripled. Let's see if Mr. Tough Guy wants to pick any more fights now that he has to move by breathing into a straw.

So, since Bryan has pretty much laid out proper fight strategy, I’m going to focus on a slightly different way to earn you an unfair advantage. Specifically, one article of clothing that will put an end to your days of perpetual beatings and public humilitation. Batman calls it a utility belt. Cosmopolitan calls it a functional accessory. I say, can’t it be both? I proudly present to you the ever-handy, tactically chic, homemade vigilante belt.

 Fortunately, the aerosol spraycan/Bic lighter combo eventually takes everyone down. Eventually, fire always herpes.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Bryan and Brandon

Mood: Ready to fight anyone
Beer: Newcastle
Music: Arctic Monkeys/Two Door Cinema Club

Monday, August 29, 2011

De-Pantsing with the Stars

            Being writers, Bryan and I are suckers for a good story character. When we aren’t slapping together ghetto cartoons here in the low-income projects of Bloggerville, haranguing flaky literary agents, or (gods forbid) actually writing fiction, we spend a lot of time reading and watching movies. There’s no better way to find an idea to rip off new sources of inspiration than to see what’s already been done. For example, I know that if it wasn’t for his addiction to Nicholas Sparks novels, the characters in Bryan’s fiction wouldn’t be half as manly as they are today.
              So, who are our favorite film and/or novel characters? That was the question I asked myself when I sat down to write this post. And honestly, given our usual jibber-jabber, I don’t think you’ll be surprised at the answers.
            First, I’ve always been a big fan of Indiana Jones. If only for the fact that he is the only bare-chested man alive who can walk around the 1940’s wearing a purse and a leather whip and somehow seem to catch shit only from the Nazis.

            Second is Dirty Harry Callahan, who just goes to show that Clint Eastwood is so badass that he can even make being a pervert look cool.

            And, finally, let’s not forget Harry Potter…aka The Boy Who Inspired a Generation of Crappy Unpublished First Novels. And, yes, that includes the literary diarrhea that was my own first novel attempt.

           As for me, I'd say Jason Statham. Now, I know what you're saying, Jason Statham isn't a movie character, but let's be real here, isn't Jason Statham just the same character over and over again in every movie he's ever made? And before you think I'm judging him, just remember that I still watch 'em all, so what does that say about me?
           Personally, I just want to look bad ass with a shaved head, stubble, and a classy suit, aka the Transporter. While it's true my head isn't shaped for a shaved head, and I'm not physically capable of growing stubble, I do have a nice suit, and I do drive a black Audi like Statham did in the Transporter. And let me tell you, when it's actually running, it's a great getaway car. Just don't be surprised if we have to be towed away from the bank heist.

            And that's only the beginning. When the suit comes off, beneath is a hard, ripped physique that's ready for a 15 minute kung fu fight.

             And if I can't be Statham, maybe I can be the greatest movie badass of all time: Bruce Campbell from Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2, and Army of Darkness. Snappy one-liners and a chainsaw for a hand. What more could a man want? Oh, I know. Lots of stitches for the mayhem that will no doubt ensue from having a very dangerous weapon as a hand (I'm looking at you, too, Edward Scissorhands).

          What movie characters inspire you?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan

Mood: Amped
Beer: Sasquatch Stout/Newcastle
Music: Foo Fighters

Friday, August 26, 2011

The Truth Behind Blogger Comments

Today we're posting over at Kelley's Break Room, because she thinks we're really funny... or at least that's what she says. Maybe she just wants to chloroform us and lock us in her basement. Either way, stop by and say hello, and if you're too lazy to click her link to read the post, well, see below.


           We've gotten a lot of things here at A Beer for the Shower. Compliments. Disagreements. Spam. Marriage proposals. Even some hate. The one thing that unifies these all is that they came from comments--comments left behind by readers like you.
            We've also spent some time thinking about these comments, and wanted to share our perceptions of how we think comments REALLY work around here.
            First off, who you are matters. Think I'm kidding? Let's look at a scenario where 4 different people all tell the same joke, and how they're reacted to.

There's Timid Timmy. He's an older gentleman, and he's not quite sure if he's funny, so his delivery is soft.

Then there's the bloggers like me. Younger, easier to relate to. I'm right at SuperBro's demographic.

But suddenly, when a blonde girl with big boobs says the same thing (and yes, she always blogs in her sports bra and short shorts, as evident by her main picture, which is a closeup of her cleavage)...

Amazing how that works. But what if she looks like this?

Poor BloggerBetty.

Next, there's the anonymous hate comment. This is usually from someone with absolutely no sense of humor, who doesn't understand the intention of jokes. Let's start with a joke that gets some positive reception...

But what if SuperBro has a stick up his backside and decides this joke really, really offends him?

Also, if you're wondering, for all that hard work Anonymous put into his scathing rebuttal, this is generally how I react when we get one:

       Seriously. Watch this. It'll change your life.

            Like Bryan pointed out, commenting can be brutal sometimes, but not without reason. We, for example, always try to reply to every comment we receive in turn. And given our lengthy comment list for every post, that usually means a lot of reading. Therefore, when we receive the following thoughtless, grammatically remedial, donkey-speak for a comment, chances are good that Pubert Q. Dillweed will not be earning himself a thorough courtesy read and/or reply.

            For the most part, though, we’ve got awesome (make note of the fancy correctness of the spelling of awesome) commenters, and we have fun getting to know newcomers. Just try not to drink too much turpentine before leaving a comment, and we’ll be the best of e-friends.

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

-Bryan and Brandon

Beer: Fat Tire
Music: The Byrds