Wednesday, June 29, 2011

What I Don't Miss About Dating (Part II!)

        On Monday Brandon covered what he didn't miss about dating. Today, I bring you what I don't miss about dating. First, I'd like to give an honorable mention to the girl with multiple personalities that I once dated (true story, this was in the late 90's, and she thought she was Nick Carter. She talked to herself sometimes and used a heavier, deeper voice for 'Nick.'). That bitch was straight up crazy.
          No, I'm talking about these:

1. Having to listen to stuff I don't give a shit about.


2. This girl.

3. Having to sit through terrible 'date movies.'

4. Getting set up on a blind date with this girl, who looked decent in all the pictures my friend showed me because of one key reason.


I'm not making this up. I had a friend who set me up on a blind date with a girl who looked decent in her pictures... because she wasn't smiling in any of them. I met her for dinner and her teeth were black, brown, and yellow, and oh God she LOVED to smile about EVERYTHING.

What's more, five minutes into the date she asked, "So should we go get some condoms? Because I don't have any on me." I excused myself to the bathroom and proceeded to sprint to my car like the building was on fire. Her name really was Katie, and if she reads this: bitch, brush your damn teeth!

I think I can sum this post up with one final thought:

I've never been so happy in my fucking life to be married.

Stay classy, friends,

Mood: Relief
Beer: All out :(
Shower: Can't wash away the image of that chick smiling

Monday, June 27, 2011

I Don't Miss Dating (Part 1)

            It’s amazing how productive two writers can be when there’s beer involved. Last week, when I was able to hang out with co-author Bryan, we sat in a bar our bustling office and got down to work. We started a new novella and hatched plans for a new novel. We cursed the flaky literary agents of yore, and made up grandiose delusions about the ones currently reading (and loving!) our latest future-bestseller. And we even got to do an interview for kick-ass blog friend Zombies Everywhere, which you can read here. It was just like old times…except that neither one of us was single. Thank Jeebus.
            Hence the title of the post. I don’t miss dating, and here are a few reasons why…

            Reason 1- In the ‘Get-to-Know-You’ bullshitting game, there are no winners.

            Reason 2 – Chivalry isn’t dead; it’s just not politically correct.

            Reason 3 – A stalker in-person is worth two in the bushes.

            In the end, I’m glad to be done with the dating world, and bid farewell to the many lunatics nice young ladies who have provided me with so many hours of awkward entertainment along the yellow-brick road to matrimony. As the man said, “Don’t go away mad. Girl, just go away.”



Beer: Murphy’s Stout
Music: Motley Crue