About the Idiots in Charge of This Website

Hello, peoples of the Internet. We’re Brandon and Bryan, a pair of guys that have known each other for way too long. We like to write things together. Fucked up things. Fucked up things that make us laugh.


First and foremost, we're writers. So far we've co-written a total of 4 novels and 2 novellas that have all gotten many awesome reviews from people who are not our mothers. We're even represented by an awesome agent who's secretly Iron Man. But we also have a very ridiculous hobby. We like blogging about stupid things and illustrating those stupid things with fucked up comics. About four years ago we started putting these up for the Internet to enjoy, and to our surprise, people started laughing with us (or at us).

So if you’ve never heard of us or been to our site before, or are just curious to know how we got to be like this, then we figure we owe you an explanation. You see, to understand this website, first you have to understand us.

For example, Brandon is the type of guy who's not afraid to tell off door to door salesmen. Or junkies. In his neighborhood, those are often one in the same.





And Bryan's the kind of guy who doesn't let small children win at board games out of pity.







Now mind you, we weren't always this way. No, once upon a time we were just innocent little five year olds, put together in the same catechism class. If you're not familiar, catechism is like Catholic school, except it's at night after your regular school, when all of the other kids are playing video games or running around having fun. This is because five years old is the perfect age to teach a tiny person with a permanent sugar rush about such things as philosophy and the mysteries of the universe.



The two of us met while being taught catechism by a man we called Father Hitler, because he was a square-headed, no-nonsense German priest with a mustache as small as his patience for children. Especially us.






This is where we first learned the value of doodling in notebooks. And of laughing at horrible, off-color things. And of saying whatever we thought. Twenty five years later, and not much has changed.

So as you read over this site, if you find yourself wanting someone to blame for our outlandish opinions, our brutal honesty, and our twisted sense of humor, then please, don't blame us. Blame Father Hitler. This website was almost entirely his fault.

43 comments:

  1. Well, glad he didn't send you to hell for that or we wouldn't get to laugh at you now. I mean, laugh with you...

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    1. Thankfully he doesn't possess that power, or I'm pretty sure our entire cow town would have been banished straight to hell. God forgives... Father Hitler does not.

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  2. Why am I not surprised you met as youngsters while being taught catechism by Father Hitler? That is just so appropriate and makes for this perfect story with these perfect cartoons. Thank God (no pun intended) you guys never aged. xo

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    1. I Google stalked Father Hitler last night so I could show my wife what he looked like, and he looks the exact same, though he finally shaved the Hitler stache (I guess maybe after 20 years he finally realized what it made him look like).

      Her exact words: "God, that guy looks creepy as fuck."

      Yep, that's him!

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  3. haha that is a post in and of itself. Or was that the point and nothing is really broken? hmmmm. I've got no problem blaming Hitler

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    1. Oh, my Internet was very much broken, but this just happened to save my bacon. You want extra laziness? We've had this About Us written up/drawn in its entirety for MONTHS. We just finally got around to posting it.

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  4. This actually explains a lot. I think anyone who reads this (and continues to read your blog) cannot complain about ANYTHING. They knew precisely what they were getting. For the record, I LOVE it, but then I've always been a bit twisted, and I didn't take catechism or have Father Hitler for a teacher. Go figure.

    Love this!

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    1. See? This About Us isn't just a look into who we are, it's pretty much the best anti-hatemail PSA we can put out.

      "Man, I really want to write to them and tell them to go fuck themselves with a rusty shovel, but... I understand them now. I feel their pain."

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  5. You may not remember what he taught but you certainly remember the classes and the teacher. Poor Father Hitler, he was probably a nice man. Until I grew up I never realised teachers were people too.

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    1. We learned a ton from Father Hitler, but probably not what he wanted us to learn. We learned to question authority, and we also learned that if God gave us all senses of humor, then laughing is NOT a sin and we shouldn't be made to feel guilty for laughing.

      I promise you he was not a nice man. He was extremely fire and brimstone, and extremely anti-fun.

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  6. This all makes sense. THIS is why we write about a lot of the same things. I went to Catholic school and we had the female version of that guy, maybe his sister, Sister Agnes. She threw erasers at us, and called us all sinners. That kind of teaching obviously does things to people. Funny things. *Sieg heil*

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    1. See, I think this is further proof that overly strict Catholic school teachers have been more responsible for comedic material than airline food and men and women disagreeing put together.

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  7. The Holy Trinity: The Batman, the Robin, and Alfred.

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    1. Our Batman, who art in Gotham, hollow be his cave...

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  8. I'm condemned to hell for reading this? Well shit, man! I just started going to church to right myself with God. Give me a chance!!!

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    1. Hey, don't take it up with me. Take it up with Father Hitler. He's the self professed gatekeeper of heaven and hell. And his heavenly turnaround rate is NOT looking good for any of us.

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  9. Great About You section!! You said it took you awhile to update it, but it was worth the wait - well done!

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    1. Uh, yeah, it took us 10 months of hard work to post this. That's it. Yes, that's exactly it. We are such hard workers, alright.

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  10. "...with a mustache as small as his patience for children." That. That is pure poetry. And it made me snorfle (a cross between a snort and a chuckle), so well done.

    I like this story of how the two of you met. It's so very inspiring. Two 5-year-old ragamuffins, forced to go and get yelled at by an angry German priest, finding solace in a shared, twisted sense of humor, leading to a lifelong friendship. You could do an entire series of books about that! DO IT!!! "The Catechismal Adventures of Brandon, Bryan, and Father Hitler." Seriously, it needs to be a thing! I'm going to have to insist upon this. You can thank me later.

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    1. Between your usage of the terms "snorfle" and "ragamuffins," I feel like this tale would be better if YOU wrote it. You do any ghostwriting on the side?

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    2. Not yet. But maybe someday I will!

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  11. (Hm. It seems my comment for here wasn't posted. Welp, here I go again...)

    This is, hands-down, THE BEST "About Us" section that I've ever read/has ever been written.

    -Barb

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    1. Why thank you! And now I feel extra stupid for not having posted it sooner, as we've been sitting on this thing for months.

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  12. Going to hell for reading this and laughing at . . . umm, with you guys? All good, coffee stays hot there ;)

    Loved this revamp of About Us. Now I can officially thank Father Hitler for all the laughter I get out of your twisted and awesome humor!

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    1. Thanks! And hey, the coffee's hot, there's no snow, everything's nice and warm... it's practically a vacation. Sure beats an evening listening to Father Hitler, that's for sure.

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  13. That was the cool thing about going to a Catholic school...you met your cathechism obligation during the school day and got to run around having fun...plus all those holy days were days off school.

    On the downside-I had Sister Hitler all day, every day, for a teacher.

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    1. The fact that you still identify with Catholicism is a miracle, then. I'd think Sister Hitler and her wooden ruler would have beaten it out of you, but who knows? I mean, we both still identify with parts of it. It's like once its claws sink in, it never lets go of you.

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  14. B&B:
    Surely, this is the stuff of comedy LEGEND...ROFLMAO!

    I feel this "kinship", as if both of you were children I never knew I had, but glad I found out later in life, because you are BOTH similar in demeanor to me.
    Kinda scary, but in a good way.
    (esp the junkie/salesman gig - we got 'em here in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, too).

    Showing no mercy to children with board games...sure, why not?
    Father Hitler...too damn funny (and most likely true, as I've known my share of parochial friends (they have the swollen knuckles to prove they went to Catholic school).
    Very well done....
    Thanks for sharing.

    And stay safe out there.

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    1. Yessir, Father Hitler was and is 100% true (according to Google he's still around in a church 30 minutes north of here, and finally had the sense to shave the Hitler-stache).

      He was fire and brimstone to the core, and very, very old school in regards to the whole "no laughing, no smiling, no fun, this is all supposed to be very serious!" thing.

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  15. Cool- you get to finally post something you've been sitting on for months and everybody pretty much worships you guys for it. Too bad I can't think of something lazyass to do to save my poor underserved blog. Well... I'm gonna' go work on that!

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    1. I think you phoned it in masterfully. Even better than we did - we didn't promise twists, turns, OR Oprah. We may have to steal that next time. And let's not kid ourselves, there WILL be a next time.

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  16. I really hope Father Hitler didn't give either of you snickers.

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    1. No, but he did give us a very colorful glimpse of what hell would be like. Which, incidentally, felt very similar to spending an entire night listening to his angry, German-accented rants.

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  17. God has a great sense of humor. I wouldn't be surprised if he likes visiting here, too. Father Hitler may be the one in for a surprise.

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    1. Amen to that. "Even God has a sense of humor. Just look at the platypus." -Dogma

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  18. Glad your hatred of Father Hitler brought you together, and led you to become a successful comedy writing duo! I give your new About Us page Five Apfelstrudels!

    Julie

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    1. Hate's a strong word... let's say 'dreaded' instead.

      We'll happily take those apfelstrudels, though... preferably an even number so we don't fight like children over the last one.

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  19. It's alright; that's what confession is for. What I learned at catechism class is that I can be forgiven for all the evil I committed as a result of my cataclysm class. (I think my parents suffered a brief bout of dyslexia).

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    1. "Father Hitler, awful be thy name, please forgive me for everything I'm about to say to you in the next 2 hours of this shitty, waste of time catechism class. Including everything I just said. Amen."

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  20. OMG, this is fantastic. I'll invite you to play chess with my little sister next.

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    1. Well I hope she brings plenty of tissues and some band-aids because it is NOT going to end well for one of us.

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  21. As the child is mangled, so he grows. Now I understand the roots of your discontent. . but on the flip side, we get to read warped humor wrapped around a grain of truth.

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    1. Well, I mean, it could have turned us into bitter, angry adults. I think growing up into childish man-children is, like, practically the best outcome that could have happened.

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