Monday, October 30, 2017

#34 - The Trick is to Treat Yourself


Just remember: it's not embarrassing to dress up in a costume past the age of 30 as long as you get free candy out of it.

It's either that or keep taking the free candy they leave out in glass dishes at upscale establishments, but I think Wells Fargo is starting to catch on that I have no desire to open a checking account.

Have a Happy Halloween, if you're into that kind of thing.


96 comments:

  1. "Ooh! Scary! And what are you little boys?"
    "Children."
    That'd scare me.

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    1. Trick or treat.
      [im]https://i.pinimg.com/originals/72/0d/4b/720d4b72381d98c8835b308291cc76ba.jpg[/im]

      Delete
    2. Was about to comment, but this image has left me speechless.

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    3. Good speechless, or bad speechless?

      I think that baby works out.

      Delete
  2. B&B:
    ---Ah, yes...The Great American Beg-A-Thon is here once again.
    I was never into going out for Halloween (usually came down with some dumbass cold or flu as a child).
    ---I tend to save costuming for the REAL events...like comic or sci-fi conventions...LOL.
    ---We used to have costume day in elementary school...when it was perfectly NORMAL to dress up as a mobster...or Indian...or (god forbid) a COP or SOLDIER.
    ---Now, you HAVE to be PC, or else some jerk (or jerkette, or some other gendered individual of which Cambodia has EIGHTEEN different "flavors"...for real) will get their undies in a bunch and sic the ACLU on you...or worse.
    ---I'll wait for the 1/2 price candy at all the stores Wednesday, thank you...lol.

    Stay safe (and classy in a spooky way) out there, guys.

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    1. If it makes you feel any better, my costume was as politically incorrect as possible and even included a comically oversized sombrero, which I think I'm keeping permanently and wearing on a regular basis.

      Free candy is the best candy of all, but half price post-Halloween candy takes a close second.

      Delete
  3. The extent of my Halloween "costume" is a 25+ year-old black tee shirt with a glow-in-the-dark skeleton and glow-in-the-dark neon writing on it. ("Make no bones about it. Happy Halloween.") (Should I be concerned that it's "glows" just as much now as it did when I bought it...?)

    I'm ready for Halloween. I bought three huge bags of candy last week. (I even got some for the trick-or-treaters!)

    Happy Halloween, dudes!

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    1. That is every bit as hilarious as it is disconcerting. Meanwhile, I have shirts that have faded completely after 5-10 washes.

      The true test, I think, is to see if you still glow in the dark AFTER removing the shirt.

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  4. alright is it because it's your site that you can put images in the reply?? I wasted at least a minute trying, it blocks the img tag so howd you pull that off.

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    1. The gray box below the big gruesome "BACK" button explains how to do it. It's a custom IM tag, not IMG, made through HTML. I also inserted code that allows for the posting of YouTube videos.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fe4fyhzS3UM

      It's important that our readers can express themselves. Or something like that.

      [im]https://media.giphy.com/media/XreQmk7ETCak0/giphy.gif[/im]

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    2. feeling a bit special [im]https://media.giphy.com/media/8WdsK61D9YOOc/giphy.gif[/im]

      Delete
    3. [im]https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/adventuretimewithfinnandjake/images/8/88/S5e3_Marceline_and_Rock_Giant_fist_pound.gif/revision/latest?cb=20130823062056[/im]

      Delete
  5. If you were really enterprising you could hold on to the chocolate and resell it on Valentine's Day. Because we have no shame.

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    1. But will it last that long? Maybe selling Christmas candy is a better idea. Then I can reuse that awkwardly undersized elf costume I still have in storage (don't ask).

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  6. The begging aspect of this holiday doesn't make a lot of sense to me. But anything that involves kids doesn't make much sense to me. Why do so many holidays have to involve giving stuff to children?

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    1. Hey, that's right. When are we going to see a holiday that involves giving things to adults? And I don't mean Father's Day or Mother's Day, because that still involves having children.

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  7. I have to buy candy that I don't like or it will be gone before Halloween. Halloween has always been my favorite day of the year just for the dressing up part. Because when I dress in costume on days not Halloween, people think I'm weird.

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    1. There's a certain sinister guilty pleasure to buying a giant bag of Halloween candy, shutting off all of the lights, and snacking on it with your better half in the dark while all of the kids stroll on by.

      I never claimed I was any kind of saint.

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  8. Treat or Treat kinda blows around here anymore. Parents walk around with their kids an no one stays home to pass out candy. Ninety percent of the town is not doing it because they are not home or they are turds and won't get candy.

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    1. This entire neighborhood only has a small handful of kid, so it's relatively peaceful and quiet for the adults. But for the 4-5 kids that actually try trick or treating around here? Yeah, it probably sucks.

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  9. Don't worry. You're not the oldest trick or treater. I'm not even the oldest.
    [im]https://assets.marthastewart.com/styles/video-preview-1280x720-highdpi/d32/how_to_make_a_trick-or-treat_bag/how_to_make_a_trick-or-treat_bag_horiz.jpg?itok=jsfBWDyq[/im]

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    1. If this isn't the true face of horror, I don't know what is.

      [im]https://i.ytimg.com/vi/4qU7uPbo27Y/mqdefault.jpg[/im]

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    2. Haha! Terrorizing. And it doesn't take up as much room as her ego. (Sorry about the size of my picture. It was apparently scaled to her ego and anal retentiveness.)

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    3. Oh, that's quite alright. My favorite part of your picture is that it cut her out entirely. I'm actually the asshole in this equation for 'revealing the monster', so to speak.

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  10. That candy will get you.
    Why do you think it's free?
    :P

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    1. Are those parents just trying to steal my information? Because Facebook did that years ago.

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  11. There are so many costumes that people say are not ok to wear these days. It's a costume...I say get over it. Have fun!

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  12. Growing up in the era of masks made of hard plastic with rubber bands to hold them on and broke about the third time you took it off to breathe, Halloween never did much for me either. Last time I "dressed up, I put on my A's jacket and hat, grabbed a clipboard, and said I was Tony LaRussa.

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    1. Don't forget, if all else fails you can wear a Hawaiian t-shirt and be Dent May. That's always a classic.

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    2. Yep, forgot I did that last year at the bar!

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  13. Ah, but will your knees thank you for it the next day? Much less of a hassle to wait until Wednesday for the sales. I was never much for going out for the candy for me, I always got it to trade to my brother for other things or sell it lol

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    1. Well, sometimes you just have to get on your knees before you receive the good stuff, you know?

      Wait, wait, no, I didn't mean that! Abort!

      Dammit, it's already on the Internet. I look forward to this haunting me for years to come.

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    2. Damn, that may come back to bite you in the ass....or worse.

      Delete
  14. I wonder if my son would take me out trick-or-treating. I'd like free candy, and I don't think I'm old enough to be out alone after dark. Or maybe I'm too old to be out alone because I wouldn't find my way home. I'd sit in the neighborhood park and eat candy.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. You know, despite sounding creepy and lonely, the idea of eating candy in the park under the moonlight sounds almost serene. Beautiful, even. I mean, I've certainly shame-eaten candy in worse places.

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  15. We just don't know who these scary tricker treaters really are! But don't we love all those cute squeaky voices chirping behind the masks, hand over the goodies I say and the cash!

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    1. Wow! That went dark quickly. And that, kids, is the story of how $2.29 in free candy led to a police standoff, 17 dead, and 5 consecutive life sentences in federal prison.

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  16. I haven't had any trick-or-treaters at my door ever since I handed out loose Trix cereal when I forgot I get candy. But I read up on the Terms of Agreement for Halloween and found that there was nothing wrong with what I did.

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    1. Well, I mean, it beats handing out apples filled with razorblades... but not by much.

      Delete
  17. We have at most two children living within a mile of us who are young enough to trick or treat. It's just not happening. It was easier to keep track of my kids when I only worried about how much candy they were eating. Now they're all old enough to attend adult style Halloween events. Too much chocolate now seems like such a harmless worried now.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I think my wife has the opposite problem. She asks me, aren't you eating too much candy right now? And I say hey, if this is the biggest thing you have to worry about regarding me, then I must be a pretty good husband.

      Then I go back to snacking on candy. Still waiting on my #1 Husband mug and/or trophy.

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  18. Hey, free candy is free candy--and past 30, one knows the good houses. ;)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I don't just know the good houses, I can ensure next year's good houses, too.

      "Come on, Karen, a Tootsie Roll? In 2017? What kind of bullshit is this? Get your shit together. You're the laughing stock of the neighborhood."

      Delete
  19. If you're wearing a costume I will give anyone candy. Show up without a costume and you ain't getting shit.

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    1. Truth. You want a free mini Twix, at least put forth some damn effort.

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  20. If I could, I’d still go out trick or treating. I actually did go out when I was 24 with 2 friends. Yup, we hid under sheets and covered our hands with gloves and went out arou;d 8:30 since we figured all the young kids got the goods. We had a blast and got lost of candy. Now if someone told me I couldn’t dress up like something since it was politically incorrect, I would dress like that and go to their house and have some fun.

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    1. Wow, you sound like a real pro. Gloves. What a nice touch. Sign me up for the politically incorrect costumes. You bring the Indian headdress, I'll bring the turban.

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    2. I wish I had an Indian headdress but I do have 2 Chinese hats and that might make me ready to pick rice but I won’t be having a baby in the rice field

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    3. Actually, now that I think about it, I do have an Indian headdress. And a Vietnamese rice hat. And a sombrero.

      Don't ask.

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  21. Our kids are old enough now that Halloween means a good excuse for my husband and me to get bags of candy to hide under our bed. Though I must say I'm pretty proud that our delicate flower of a daughter chose to dress as Jason Voorhees for a fall dance where the theme was heroes and villains. She said she was a lot more comfortable in the coveralls than all the Wonder-Woman-outfitted girls. A bloody hockey mask was just a bonus.

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    1. I like your daughter's style. Call me crazy, but a bloody hockey mask, dirty overalls, and a machete seems way more intimidating and badass than a skirt, a tiara, and some kind of magic lasso.

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  22. I think I found that "ghost" costume.
    [im]https://pics.me.me/kids-spooky-ghost-0-3-a-warning-choking-nottor-under-parts-5525015.png[/im]
    Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to turn off the lights and pretend there's no one home because I forgot (too cheap) to buy candy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, that IS a spooky costume...

      I'm doing the same thing tonight. My favorite part is seeing which kids are stupid enough to still ring the doorbell. It's pitch black, you can barely see my front steps, you're instantly swallowed up by shadows as you approach a stranger's door... what the hell are your parents teaching you???

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  23. Living in an apartment we don't get trick or treaters but they do come to the door and tenants provide candies. I like the first comment - kids are scary to start off with. Have a spooky Hallowe'em.

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    1. Kids ARE scary. There's just no avoiding them, no matter where you go. Hell, I have it on authority that a child has infiltrated Brandon's own home. I think it might be his wife, but I'm also suspicious of his newborn baby. I'll report back.

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  24. Hahahahahaha, traffic cone witch's hat! "Ghost, not KKK!" Happy Halloween, boys!

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    1. Not only am I a witch, but I'm 100% less likely to be run down by a car in the dark.

      Happy Halloween to you, too!

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  25. When I was in my 20's a group of walked out of a bar on Halloween night and saw all the kids going door-to-door. It occurred to us that we would like some candy, so wee knocked on a door across the street and happily yelled "Trick or Treat" when they answered.

    Seeing half a dozen drunken adults on their doorstep was not taken very kindly despite them holding a large bowl of candy.

    As she started closing the door, she yelled "You didn't even put on costumes, morons".

    I told her we were dressed as pedestrians.

    That got a smile and one piece of candy each.

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    1. That's actually pretty damn clever. I bet you guys could have walked house to house, put that line on repeat, and gotten a decent haul. I know that would have worked on me, for sure.

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  26. The Ghost costume made me laugh a little harder than I should partially because it relates too well. Being from the South and a huge bald, white man, my friends and I concluded that I should retire my standard 'Sheet Ghost' costume.

    I was a dinosaur this year. haha

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    1. Please tell me it was the giant inflatable t-rex costume.

      [im]https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51E3pVUBAfL._SY300_.jpg[/im]

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    2. I actually was going to go with that one but could only find the knock-offs. Decided to go another route.

      https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0145JUHZE/ref=asc_df_B0145JUHZE5250470/?tag=hyprod-20&creative=395033&creativeASIN=B0145JUHZE&linkCode=df0&hvadid=198065292470&hvpos=1o4&hvnetw=g&hvrand=17380591243171583307&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9031550&hvtargid=pla-380441423504

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  27. I tried to convince my 36 year old son to get dressed up when he takes his daughter out so they'd get double the candy, but he wouldn't go for it. (lol) You guys are so amazingly funny and trendy. Happy Halloween and be safe when trick or treating. Hugs...RO

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    1. Your son has a valid excuse to dress up, and he still doesn't? I dressed up and I don't have kids, nor did I get any candy out of it.

      Manchild for life, yo. Happy Halloween to you, too.

      Delete
  28. We go all out on Halloween. To the point that people keep asking my sister if her house is the one where they do the "historical re-enactments" on Halloween....

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    1. ...Well, is it?

      Our Halloween involved a 4 person group costume that interlocks together and a theme in which none of us can post any of the pictures to social media because we might lose our jobs (you know, politically sensitive climate BS and all that).

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    2. now I really want to see it

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  29. Ghost not KKK...too funny.

    I live on a steep hill, so anyone who makes the climb to my house deserves chocolate.

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    1. Does that offer stand year round or just Halloween?

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  30. I will always dress up for Halloween, but I don't try to get free candy. lol

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    1. What, so you pay for your candy like some kind of rich person? Pshaw!

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  31. Ha! Ok, good to know I'm not too old for my pumpkin costume DESPITE the judgement of my friends and family.

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    1. If your friends and family aren't dressing up with you, are they REALLY your friends and family?

      Delete
  32. Hey, don't go shaming a candy addiction. I'd sell my kidney for a never-ending chocolate bar.

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    1. But what happens when all of that delicious never ending chocolate shuts down your one remaining kidney?

      Delete
  33. Happy Halloween :) I give everyone who comes up the walk candy. Why should it be reserved for kids only.

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    1. Happy Halloween! That's rather kind of you. Meanwhile, I give no one who comes up my walk candy. At least we're both consistent.

      Delete
  34. The fact that we had any trick-or-treaters at all is remarkable!

    Personally, I dressed as Martin Luther in honor of Reformation Day, but nobody recognized him.

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    1. I first read that as Martin Luther King, and thought wow, I guess blackface isn't as frowned upon in China.

      Delete
  35. We didn't really have the American version of Halloween when i was a kid but it's rife now. I tend to hide and let my wife or daughter answer the door.

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    1. Your wife: "Hmmm, we've almost run out of candy for the kids. I thought we had more than this?"
      You, hiding in the corner with chocolate on your mouth: "Huh, no kidding, that's weird."

      Delete
  36. I don't celebrate Halloween, but if I did I would definitely dress up if that got me free candy!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'll dress up even when candy's not involved. There may be something wrong with me.

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  37. Replies
    1. It doesn't hurt to be specific. Not that KKK members even wear white sheets anymore, do they? Isn't it Walmart polos and tiki torches now? I am so behind the times.

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    2. Only when it's Halloween. You know, in an attempt to relive the good ole days or because they think they can get away with it. "Don't worry, Blue, it's just a 'costume.'"

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  38. Hey I'm one of those people willing to degrade themselves for just five dollars. I'm not even sure how low I'd go for five dollars at this point. Just pay me in candy.

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    1. Oh, Fiverr. You may degrade yourself, but I bet there's a Fiverr for that, too.

      "For $5 I'll help restore your dignity by sacrificing even more of my own."

      Delete
  39. I bet you had everybody fooled when you showed up on your knees. You fit right in with the rest of the kids.

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    Replies
    1. There's a Kevin Spacey joke in there, but I'm not yet willing to make it.

      Delete