Monday, October 16, 2017

#33 - Another Hole in the Wall


I'm sure some of you have been wondering over the past few months where Brandon has been and why I just won't shut the hell up.

Well, you might think he's too busy being a father with a newborn baby like some kind of responsible adult, but the truth is that a 400 lb mulleted shebeast sat on him, he was sucked up, comically, into the planetary pull of her nethercheeks, and now he's living in rural Iowa as a morbidly obese woman's hemorrhoid donut.

Or maybe it's just that first thing.

I'm still here, though, and in coming months I'm beyond excited to share some of the big new projects I'm working on, which are insanely ambitious and probably sound ridiculous, but I don't want to be that guy who turns (insert oldish sounding age here) and wonders what could have been. Wonders why I didn't take more risks and try something batshit crazy.

Stay tuned. The hype is real.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Music: Canadian Summer
Beer: Victory HopDevil


116 comments:

  1. Insanely ambitious ridiculous projects are the best tho

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'm sure there's a fine line between ambitious and raving lunatic. I just hope I'm staying more on the ambitious side.

      "Well, see, it's going to be a franchise, a three picture deal, with a custom made video game and a custom composed soundtrack and I'm starring as everyone, literally everyone. CGI can make me look different in post."

      Delete
  2. Congrats to Brandon! I didn't know he became a papa. Looking forward to hearing about the "insanely ambitious" projects, you crazy cat.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. He did, and so far he seems pretty good at it. He hasn't even dropped his kid once! ...That I know of.

      Right now my insanely ambitious project is just to not be seen as spam by your blog. :(

      Delete
    2. You're better than spam. I hope I fixed it. *fingers crossed*

      Delete
  3. I'm not sure with whom I sympathize the most: the shebeast or the bartender.

    Can't wait to learn all the hype.

    We'll chat soon. Have a great week, Bryan.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Well, the bartender only has to look at the business in front. He doesn't have to see the "party" in back, so I pretty much sympathize with anyone BUT him.

      Delete
  4. I'm sure Brandon will have some free time once his kid is 25 years old or so. lol

    Looking forward to seeing what you're doing, Bryan.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Us, in 2042:

      Brandon: Alright, my kid's officially out of the house and I'm ready to get back to work! Let's get going on Tuck Watley 2!
      Me: What's that? I don't remember.
      Brandon: What'd you say? Speak up.

      Delete
  5. Getting sucked into someone's butt cheeks is bat crap crazy but I don't recommend it.
    Tell Brandon good luck and better him than me.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I shall, and better him than me, also. Right now I've only got enough time to take care of one child, and that's me.

      Delete
  6. And yes, what's about this project?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I say it now without any proof, it sounds crazy. If I post about it in coming months with actual screenshots and behind the scenes stuff, then it's less crazy. So stay tuned.

      Delete
  7. ABFS:
    ---I figured Brandon had his hands full (and perhaps a bit less fragrant) when it comes to diaper changes...
    That is one helluva nasty cartoon, but funny as all get out!!!
    We figure he'll be back soon enough.
    ---In the meantime, whatever projects you have cooking will be worth looking forward to.
    (yes, I ended the sentence with a bloody preposition...) HA!

    Take care & stay safe out there.
    (all of you)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, that's a good point. After all of those diaper changes, being forcibly shoved up a fat woman's rectum can't be all that bad.

      Not as bad as ending a sentence in a preposition (FOR SHAME), mind you, but still something to not look forward to.

      Delete
  8. I agree with that attitude.

    Regarding taking on ambitious projects, not the Brandon and the shebeast thing.

    Someday, you'll turn 40 or else have a kid of your own, and no one takes chances once one of those two things have happened.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Well, it's probably also good to have a positive attitude when a shebeast is wearing you like a suppository. There's a "shitty attitude" joke to be made, too, but I'm not the one to make it.

      One day, when I'm a lonely, childless 40 year old, I look forward to dabbing away the tears with hundred dollar bills. Or something like that.

      Delete
  9. I shuddered when I saw that comic. Have I ever been sat on like that? No. But I've been to rural Iowa.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Then word to the wise: wear brightly colored clothing that does not match the upholstery of the bar stools.

      Delete
  10. Psssht, you call THAT a mullet? You poor naive straight boy. I once knew a lesbian who had the World's Most Magnificent Mullet (or "dyke cut" as it was known in the 1980s) -- so short on the top and sides that it stood straight up like a flat-top brush cut and so long and flowing in the back that it ended practically at her waist. Man, that was a mullet to build a dream on. I would have dated her but she was already involved with an ex-nun.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I bow down to that level of mulletry. I don't even claim to be able to fathom such a unicorn level of mullet, much less grasp the concept of drawing such an elegant thing. I can only thank you for describing it to me, in the hopes that my imagination even scratches the surface of that furry wonder.

      Delete
  11. Brandon's in "rural Iowa"?
    Is there any discernible difference between rural and urban Iowa?

    Oh, yes, good ol' IOWA (aka "Party Central"), home of great craft beer and Dairy Princesses:

    [im]https://kmch.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/2015-Iowa-Dairy-Princesses.jpg[/im]

    Brandon must've been a monster in his past life.

    ~ D-FensDogG
    STMcC Presents 'Battle Of The Bands'

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hmmm...

      The size may possibly be a little off but you get the idea.

      ~ D-FensDogG

      Delete
    2. I grew up on the mean streets of Iowa, and let me tell you, things get nasty after dark. Cow tipping. Unsanctioned hootenannies. Men that won't tip their cap to you, even after you tip yours.

      And you so-called cityboys think you've seen the urban underworld.

      Delete
    3. I think that picture's to scale, because those ladies don't even fit on my 40-something inch screen TV.

      [im]https://i.imgur.com/5q8C2NU.jpg[/im]

      That's the best I can do.

      Delete
    4. My daughter went to college in Iowa. She damn near froze to death, but her school was excellent.

      Delete
    5. Didn't all of that corn keep her warm?

      (I don't actually know anything about Iowa)

      Delete
    6. While she was in Iowa, we lived in the country in Illinois. We were surrounded by a peach orchard, and fields with corn and soy beans. Nothing could keep me warm there during the winter.

      Delete
  12. He literally got some ass and a whole lot more...I'd rather take the whiny poop machine.

    Crazy as can be? That sure works for our sea Sometimes crazy is only crazy until the sane start doing it.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I guess when you put things in perspective, it's not all that crazy.

      For example, THIS is batshit crazy. And perhaps craziest of all is how many people are actually paying good money for this.

      What I want to do is pretty much the complete opposite of that.

      Delete
    2. Has to be family and friends, as that is rather crazy.

      Delete
    3. It's not just friends and family, and that's what horrifies me most about that whole... thing.

      Delete
  13. There's hype?
    I didn't see any hype!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. This is the pre-hype hype! Aren't you hyped to hear about more hype?

      ...Yeah, yeah, I guess I need to get something together soon, then.

      Delete
  14. Congrats to Brandon!!

    And congrats to you. You're in total control. You can do whatever you want while he isn't watching. Have fun, but avoid those big butts.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That almost makes Brandon sound like my boss. Or my angry, overbearing father. It's not like that. But now I can stop being the naggy friend that wants to work on a big project and wonders why he's SOOO busy with that baby-thing. God, it's like it takes up SO much time.

      Delete
  15. Those are nice big round blue butt cheeks with Brandon doing the honors, haha but seriously dude why aren't you helping him. He must be lost in that morbidly obese womans playground.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Whoa, you think I want to get lost in there, too? Better one of us than both of us, right?

      Delete
  16. Don't kid yourself. You're never too old to try something bat shit crazy. I should know.

    (LOVE that cartoon!)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Amen to that, especially in a field like writing. It's not like I'm going to wake up one day at 70 and say, "Man, I wish I had written that book when I was younger. Too bad I'm too old to press keys on a laptop now."

      Then my grandchild will feed me my nutrient paste and push me back over to the hologram-window so I can stare out of it wistfully.

      Delete
  17. Congrats to the new daddy! And to you. Trying something batshit crazy is fun :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hell yeah! If I fail, at least I'll have a blast doing it.

      Delete
  18. So when he struggles his way out, will he be a liberal?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. If I see him start cashing welfare checks, I'll drive over there and slap him personally.

      Delete
  19. Good luck with your upcoming projects! New parenthood is a time suck for sure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And yet still people continue to do it. Weird.

      Delete
  20. It's babies that suck the life out of people.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
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    1. They're like little tiny vampires, that suckle on you until they're strong, virile teenagers and you're nothing but a penniless husk.

      Or so that's my understanding of how children work.

      Delete
    2. That's pretty much how it works.

      Delete
  21. What? Acting like a responsible adult? Boo! I bet it was the butt cheeks thing.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. P.S. I love me insanely ambitious projects.

      Delete
    2. I just didn't want Brandon to have to be the butt of my joke.

      (I'll give you a moment to collect yourself after that painful groan)

      Delete
  22. I don't believe the father bit LOL. Look forward to hearing your insane ambitions.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. We're all still shocked that he found someone willing to breed with him. I can't believe it, either. Meanwhile, I'm just over here conjuring up crazy thoughts in the land of make believe. That whole adult thing just skipped me over, apparently.

      Delete
  23. I figured that's where Brandon was. Can't wait to hear about these new projects and I'm offended about the 'insert age' thing. Stop making fun of me because I'm old. I was supposed to insert my own age, right?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I inserted my own age, actually. WHY AM I SUCH A FAILURE THIS EARLY IN LIFE?

      Delete
  24. You barely see whale tail in 2017, but why this?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Then you aren't lookin' in the right places, friend. 😎

      Delete
  25. I like batshit crazy so this will be fun to read what will be up. Speaking of up, I bet when Brandon is up at 3 am trying to have his sweet baby stop crying with such a shriek that his brain is ready to explode, the idea of being a hemorrhoid donut in Iowa May actually sound appealing.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I think I want to be a trailer park hemorrhoid donut after reading that, too. I don't know how parents do it.

      Delete
  26. I always thought you were alter egos of the same person, so no harm, no foul!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. So which one is Mr. Jekyll and which one's Mr. Hyde?

      Delete
  27. I'm getting ready to tackle NaNoWriMo, so I have a little concern about being overly ambitious. We'll see.

    Whatever you have going on, be sure to take care of yourself. I tend to hole up somewhere to tackle a project and forget to eat, sleep, and bathe. It gets ugly.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The great thing about having my wife here is that she won't let me do any of that stuff, so I look forward to at least being well bathed and well fed as I plunge into my dark rabbit hole of creativity.

      Delete
  28. i totally understand, Brandon. People are always saying, "raising a child is the hardest job but it's worth it." Which doesn't really capture it. With a job, you can pretend to be taking a shit for a half hour and hide in the bathroom, you can't do that with a baby. The more accurate statement is that parenting is the most relentless job. C'mon baby, just play with this jagged metal rod and leave me alone for an hour, I dare you.

    Excited to hear about your projects, Bryan. Also, beautiful touch with the Crocs on the she-beast.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. See, if I had a child, I wouldn't be able to create such masterful detail, like those Crocs. This is my cross to bear.

      (You totally feel sorry for me, right?)

      Delete
  29. I will never fault ya for missing. Babies are just...yea. Demanding. That's the word. I've definitely considered it, but probably won't ever make that leap due to my own selfishness and love of quiet/not having shit smeared on things. That said, take all the time you need; it just means you have to play catch-up on stories. ;)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh yeah, I understand why Brandon doesn't have time to be around here. I'm amazed he has time for anything these days. I too have a love of quiet and not having shit smeared on things, so being a pseudo-uncle is about as close as I'll get to the real thing, which is good enough for me.

      Delete
  30. Poor Brandon, got sucked up and even left his drink behind.
    On a more serious note, I can't wait to see what projects you've been working on, and can only wish you great success with everything. Greetings!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I can only assume that at some point he'll end up absorbing some of her drink, so that's a plus?

      Thanks!

      Delete
  31. Brandon has new headwear I see. And it must be warm, too! Just the thing for a Northern Minnesota winter fashion statement. Maybe he's playing peek-a-boo with the baby.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hey, maybe the whole family's up there. It's like a redneck tauntaun. Those Northern winters ARE harsh, I hear.

      Delete
  32. So where's the teasers at? Surely this can't be it? Give us hints so we can make terrible guesses as to what your future holds.

    Do know that if you're doing an ICO without any non-financial reasons, I'm out before you can say "pump and dump".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Believe it or not, this post contains a very subtle hint that I'm sure no one noticed. Feel free to scour the post again and overanalyze everything.

      And hey, what the hell's wrong with the beerchain? Don't you want to drink beer that's been verified as not pisswater by a digital signature?

      Delete
  33. Want to hear about the new projects!! Do want! Are you guys having a kid as well?

    Don't just leave us hanging, my friend. Oh, and custom made condoms are now on the market. Just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I don't think you have to be particularly ambitious to have kids. Crazy, yes. But my project is not just sexing my wife. I figure... Well, no one wants to hear about that.

      Speaking of, what the hell are these con-doms you speak of? Are those what teenagers use to prevent the herp?

      Sincerely,
      A happily married guy

      Delete
  34. That illustration had me cracking up. Thanks for the laugh. And I'm glad you're still around. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad I'm still around, too. This whole existing thing is really working for me.

      Delete
  35. Don't worry guys, I'm still here! ...Guys? ...It sure is dark in here.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. It's not so bad once you get used to it. Lots of room. And all the salted ham and cigarette butts you can eat!

      Delete
  36. Now that's some cheeky comedy. And I think I already said this in one of the former posts, but if not, Congrats!

    Also I'm looking forward to the coming news!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear news about me coming.

      I don't think I understood your sentence properly.

      Delete
  37. Totally cool about Brandon and the baby, and can't wait to hear all about the new projects! Hugs...RO

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thanks! What I'm working on isn't quite as exciting as a human life, but it's still pretty cool, I guess.

      Delete
  38. Yay! Looking forward to the upcoming news!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Isn't Brandon's kid walking by now? I feel like it's been two years already. I'm stoked to hear about your new projects. And I still owe you an email. I need to make that happen today. Today, dammit before I'm that chick on the stool!

    Elsie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nope, he can't even talk. Aren't 4 month old babies already supposed to be enrolling in college, or something?

      Delete
  40. I can't hear the news. I feel like I've been sat on by a shebeast so I can totally relate to the disappearance.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That's totally I can't wait to hear the news. Although my kids do say I have selective hearing.

      Delete
    2. What? Speak up, dear. Talk into my good ear. No, I'm not elderly, it's just that the other ear is immersed in the shebeast's colon and all I can hear is rumbling. I think feeding time is soon.

      Delete
  41. WAIT I DIDNT EVEN KNOW BRANDON WAS PREGNANT.

    Kidding. It seems like babies are a lot of work. Pass.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He hid it well with that waifish figure of his.

      As Jen Kirkman famously said about the subject: "I can barely take care of myself."

      Delete
  42. He'll never find his newborn kid up there. I don't think he'd want it if he did. Good luck with those ambitious projects. You have to try if you want to succeed, and you guys are just crazy enough to succeed.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I think he's just instinctually travelling toward the smell of poop. No, don't do it! It's not a diaper change! It's a trap!

      And yes, I always knew I was crazy. Now I'm just making it work for me.

      Delete
  43. Poor Brandon. It must feel like he's fallen straight into hell.

    No seriously. I am happy for him that he's thrown himself into fatherhood. Every kid deserves a good dad!

    Now I'm totally curious about what is going on with you. I thought we were pals dude...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We are pals, dude. You could even say we're dudes, pal. I'll message you soon.

      Delete
  44. Hope Brandon is getting some sleep, and a belated congratulations on his bundle of joy!

    Bryan, I'm very excited about your new project! I'm sure it's "crazy like a fox," as you're always chockfull of creative ideas. Love the cartoon!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess my plan to launch a fox into the moon was too obvious. Do you think 20 tons of hair spray is enough accelerant to get that lil bastard up there?

      Delete
  45. Rural Iowa.
    I hate to be an East Coast snob, but...isn't that redundant?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haven't you seen downtown Iowa's urban side? Makes inner city Chicago look like Candyland, my friend.

      Delete
  46. as a parent I can relate. Life is full of hard stuff at the moment. Fun times, I'm just getting over a round of Strep in our house, and fingers crossed the kids seem to have not gotten it.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Which is funny, because I thought that was always supposed to be the other way around.

      You really haven't had the full parental experience until a child has gotten the entire household sick in one afternoon.

      Delete
  47. Please do spend time with new baby. We will be still here, waiting to hear from you. And exciting about the big news!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, it's not really big news until something actually happens, but thanks for the preemptive support!

      Delete
  48. Ok, I'm in for a bit of crazy, now why would that be?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Who doesn't love a little crazy here and there? I know if I don't let it out, I go something something.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufDqfQxPnJo

      Delete
    2. lol, now that made me smile...it's all about perspective ;)

      Delete
  49. I thought you both were the same schizophrenic person anyway. Maybe you just got cured?

    That has to be the funniest cartoon I've seen in ages. Good luck with the madness, can't wait to hear about it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now I just wonder which of us is the evil personality and which is the good one? I mean, he's the one that was killed off after he met a nice woman, got married, had a kid, settled do-

      Oh crap, I'm the evil one.

      Delete
  50. Brandon's going through one of those experiences! In a huge lady's ass. Or maybe being a new dad, either are pretty big deals.
    You've (both) accomplished quite a lot in my eyes. Keepin' at it, climbing higher is the way to go.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you think about it, all we've really achieved is the furthering of the species and the writing of a few books. We can do better than this. Thanks, though!

      Delete
  51. Congrats to Brendan! Glad he's not a hemorrhoid. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  52. "he was sucked up, comically, into the planetary pull of her nethercheeks, and now he's living in rural Iowa as a morbidly obese woman's hemorrhoid donut..." Now, that's what I call poetry. I'm moved.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Throw a black and white filter over it, play some somber piano music, and record an introspective voice over, and you might just have next year's Oscar contender.

      Not that that's saying much.

      Delete