Monday, September 18, 2017

What Makes a Millennial Tick










What's up with those crazy millennials, amirite guys? They are just the worst and/or best depending on who we're pandering to. And what is a millennial, anyway?

Oh, wait, we're millennials?

Well, that's weird. Anyhoo, hope you guys learned something. Or not.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Beer: Some crappy IPA you'd hate
Music: Some awful hipster band that sounds like ear rape


98 comments:

  1. You're not Millennials. They don't know how to lose. It sends them into shock when they do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We are, though. The fact that you've contradicted me means that I need to crawl to my safe space and scream this one out.

      Delete
  2. Is it that millennials are so different or is it that we're becoming sexagenarians?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I am sliding down that steep ramp, anyway....

      Delete
    2. I really don't understand what sexing up old people has to do with this post.

      Delete
    3. Good point...I will just take my bottle of blue pills and get to my safe place...

      Delete
    4. Choose the red pill, my friend. Always choose the red pill.

      Delete
  3. B&B:
    Good to see you up and running again.

    As to millennials...well, I'm kinda looking at many of them (but not ALL, mind you) as the Gen-X 2.0 - a steroid-laden "ME" generation...not that the older one ever went away...they just spawned MORE of themselves, and as we can see in the news, that's not exactly HELPING the USA become a better society.

    But what the hell do I know...I'm just the offspring of America's "greatest generation" who didn't become a tree-hugging "Me-gen'er" in the 60s.

    Very good post.

    Stay safe (and surgically-adept) out there, guys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just want to live in Mayberry and have everyone screaming about safe spaces and microaggressions leave me the hell alone, so maybe I'm an old coot wearing the skin of a manchild.

      Delete
  4. I'd yell at the millennials to get off my lawn, but I think it's just too much effort for them to be on my lawn. I don't have any squirrels with beards to attract them or beards like squirrels.

    P.S. Great to see you back! :)
    [im]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-T4UZvL8Nrw0/U61Lvsu6BiI/AAAAAAAAhgg/pblLQc67LSQ/s1600/beard+schick+photography+troy+goodall.jpg[/im]

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thanks for giving away the secret that Brandon's badass new beard is just a lonely squirrel that keeps his face warm. These are the things we have to do when we get older and our beards start to droop.

      [im]https://nobigs.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/the-neck-beard-7.jpg[/im]

      Delete
  5. I guess millennials are defined as people born after 1980 or thereabouts? I reckon that makes my grandchildren millennials. OMG. (Way to make a broad feel OLD! Thanks a lot, guys!)

    I think it's funny that society feels the need to label us by "generations," as though each person born within a certain time frame is exactly like every other. All I can say about "millennials" is they're gonna be running the world before long, and they sure as heck can't do any worse than earlier generations have. And if you two are millennials, I'd say millennials are awesome cartoonists. (Seeing's as how you're all alike, right...?)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yep, apparently if you're born after 1980 you are a millennial... which means I are a millennial.

      But that 'generation' also includes kids who were born in the early 2000s, so... you're telling me I'm exactly like a 15 year old kid who was born the same year I graduated high school?

      Delete
    2. Hey! Don't blame it on ME! I didn't say that... it's the "experts."

      Delete
  6. Haha. I was going to say that I'm a Millennial. *gasps*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THEN STOP RUINING OUR COUNTRY YOU ENTITLED BRAT!

      Delete
  7. As someone who is barely a millennial: the baby boomers did this to "us". In a world where the older generation had an amazing time, having a less than amazing time breaks us and pushes us to gravitate to increasingly cheap and shitty lifestyles and cultures. But! By virtue of being older, the boomers are still in charge, and are making more easy money than they ever earned before off what would otherwise be cheap shit.
    Curse you, overpriced second-hand vintage loot stores! Curse youuuu!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love how when I was a kid, my dad had a fairly mundane white collar job making something like $30,000 per year, and my mom stayed at home, but we had a decent sized house, two cars, health insurance, and were always well fed. That was the norm.

      Nowadays both people in the household work, making way more money at higher end jobs, and yet are way less likely to be home or car owners, with crappy or no health insurance at all. Also, they argue at the end of the night about which flavor of Ramen noodles to heat up.

      Delete
  8. This is a scene from "mother!", right? Maybe I'm just thinking it is because your illustration of your audience looks like how full the theater was when I saw it yesterday. Except I'm not blond.

    Either way, I come to this page mostly for the educational bits, so this was a big help.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, this post is an allegory about how we're destroying the Earth, and Earth just so happens to be a douchebag named Bradley who just will not shut up about how much better food is when it's served out of a truck.

      Delete
  9. My daughter is a Millennial so...no comment. lol

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm way older than a millenial. Dang. That sounds like I must be older than George Bush Sr. or God.

    So glad to see you back and running - with or without a kidney.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You say that, but nothing makes you feel older than being lumped into the same generation as 15 year old kids who can't drive and don't understand why the phone's 'answer' button looks like a landline telephone (whatever that is).

      Delete
  11. Millennials are a mystery to me. I'm freaked out by the long, hillbilly-type beards.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Long beards, plaid jackets, beat up work boots... when did hillbilly become hipster?

      Delete
    2. Hipster beards should be outlawed. They're very misleading to those of us who like hillbillies.

      Delete
  12. If you were born between 1980 and 1989, you are not millennials. You are part of the Doom Generation.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That sounds so wonderfully ominous. Consider us both proud members of Generation Doom without asking a single question.

      Delete
  13. There are many things I have called you both after reading your blog entries. None of them use the word "millennial". My beard has been covering my face since 1980. Now I'm afraid to look. I have no idea what I might find under there.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. And we probably deserve at least 3/4 of those words, if not more. So your beard's a millennial? Does it rave about tapas and wear scuffed up work boots despite having a very sedentary office job?

      Delete
    2. It raves, but in the end usually has leftovers for wearing and eating.

      Delete
  14. Tragedies happened. Millennials were born and those guys were injected like drug addicts and are now pleasantly stupid. Woo hoo, I understand me now...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We were all injected with stupid? Bummer. Well, at least we weren't injected with "the gay".

      Delete
  15. Well, one thing you are right about- I hate IPAs. I think, though, you mentioned once that Dent May is hipster music and I have his latest at #2....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like an IPA that has solid flavor and isn't just chewing hops, but they're not my go-to beer. Also, hipster isn't always bad. Probably 90% of what I listen to I would call hipster music (including Dent May - loving Across the Multiverse). And of course I have good taste in music, because I'm a biased piece of shit.

      Delete
  16. You're millennials? You mean you sit at home and let your parents pay all of your bills, cook for you, do your laundry, whine when you lose like it never should happen and think you should get paid for sitting on your ass while typing OMG on your phone? Damn, what a life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whoa, who are you? Are you my Uber driver? You're two minutes late, bud, so I'm going to have to give you a 1 star Yelp review. I have clout, you know. People listen to me. I matter. These participation ribbons didn't win themselves.

      Delete
  17. I read recently that millennials are abandoning smaller breweries and going back to the big "name" brands.
    Weird.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Well, these beers have been really tasty and flavorful, but right now I just want to drink something that tastes like beer-flavored water."

      If that's the case, I don't understand.

      Delete
  18. Is that Brandon on the table? Love your categories for this post! Sorry I missed the show, I was at the beach. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WAY TO RUB IT IN.

      Nope, Brandon didn't suddenly grow a John Sullivan mustache and start waxing the tips. That's just some millennial I found. He let me operate on him for $5. LOL man these kids are hard up for money.

      Also, I got my $5 back after I operated on him. Since I'm so hard up for money.

      Delete
  19. As a Gen Xer, all I can say is that we have a cooler name. Generation X. We may or may not have superpowers. We did live through Chernobyl, ya know.

    BTW, glad you're back. And for the record, last week, I wasn't going to comment lamentations- as the mother of four male millennials, I was going to assume you were surfing for porn and crashed your computer. If so, or whether you want to admit it, just always remember...always use protection...even with cyber sex.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I remember when they first called us Generation Y, because we asked 'why' a lot. I assume our elders got annoyed by this, asked why the hell we had to be known as the whiny group (not grasping the irony), and then changed it to millennials.

      I want a new group.

      Also, my computer's fortified with enough digital condoms to prevent a torrent of computer porn AIDS... unfortunately, the only thing that it takes to kill this stupid thing is opening Microsoft Word and having YouTube open in the background (true story).

      Delete
  20. Well guess I am one too, a millennial (there I said it) or echo boomers as some would call it. And no, I am not referring to Amazon Echo.

    Seriously I had to google what an IPA is.

    Great to see you guys are doing good and basically living THE life. But then again that's what millennials do.

    Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You haven't tasted the bitter goodness of an IPA, friend? But it's a beer, only extremely bitter! And sometimes very thick! Who wouldn't want that?

      Delete
  21. Everybody wants a claim to fame I guess, and the timing was right for the 'Millenials' name. Entitled? Yes. very tech oriented, yes, able to survive in the jungles or a dystopian future? Very very doubtful, if all tech is destroyed. They could go find a cave that might serve as a safe place, but watch out for boomers and gen-x-ers hiding in the back. I like to think that Millenials might save our butts, but then we'd have to worship them for a few centuries. . .can we live with that? Always glad to see your blog posts, ABFTS!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's actually kind of a hilarious thought; so many millennials love writing dystopian stories, but I bet none of them could actually survive dystopia. What do you mean I can't Google all of my answers?

      "Alexa, tell me how to kill this bear that's stalking me! Alexa? ...Alexa?"

      Delete
  22. Ugh Millennials. They ruin everything, amirite? Like, avocado toast and buying homes and the economy and also dining out at crappy chain restaurants. LOLOLOL DUMB POOR MILLENNIALS

    *sobs in the corner over my student debt*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My parents: It's absolutely critical that you go to college! You'll need this for the rest of your life! It's totally worth the cost!

      Them - went to a trade school that cost them literally hundreds of dollars
      Me - acquired a practically useless degree with student loans that cost more than my parents originally bought their house for

      *sobs with you*

      Delete
  23. I would say I learned something from this post, but I'm not sure what. And according to all things non-millenial (like myself), I should never admit that I have (or CAN) learn anything from a millenial because . . . well, just because. And I don't need to explain myself to you, you millenial hooligans. But because I'm such a mama, I'll still say hooray for your computer woes being over, even though I'm sort of convinced you made the whole thing up to get some much-needed postpartum rest (yes, all of you).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Millennials have taught us plenty of things. For example, flip flops and cargo shorts are acceptable work attire. And sometimes a bean bag chair is a valid office chair. Or those standing desks? Totally good for you to use 40 hours a week for years on end. Not a stupid idea at all.

      Now if you'll excuse us, we have to take a hacky sack break before we get back to making up excuses to weasel out of next week's post.

      Delete
  24. My children are millennials and they're pretty great. I'm sure it's not a judgement on their generation. It's just that they were raised by an awesome, incredible, sensible, hardworking and otherwise perfect mother. Ask them and they'll agree. I don't know what's wrong with the rest of those shits that are the same age. Present company excluded, of course.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it helps that we were raised by awesome, incredible, sensible, hardworking, and otherwise perfect mothers, too.

      Wow, it's almost like there's a correlation there...

      Delete
  25. It's almost like these generation names are an arbitrary way for people to demonize and stereotype people who aren't of their age bracket. But seriously, fuck the "greatest generation." I wanted to find a picture to add, but doing an image search for anything involving this post was infuriating and I'm pretty sure I have CTE as a result.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Something else to anger you - there are people who don't believe in demonizing an entire generation of people... but also believe in horoscopes. Let that set in.

      Delete
  26. Glad you are back and feeling healthy. I'm a baby boomer or for short, bb, which matches my initials. Yeah, Millenials is lasting way too long and it should be middle angst from 1982 to 1993 and then millenials or the brat generation from 1994 to present.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But wait, isn't that first one The Brat Pack? I think I watched too many 80s movies.

      Delete
  27. "Things were better back in my day where women were put in the kitchen, racism was okay, and we didn't have no new fangled smartphones," -Some asshole baby boomer

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "These damn kids have it so much easier these days!"
      (Bought his first home in his 20s, got a college degree for $500, and then immediately went into a decent paying job with retirement benefits)

      Delete
  28. Many of our (my husband's and my nieces and nephews) are Millennials. I think they looked at their parents and decided that they were not going to be so driven. They are certainly more protective of their personal time and expect more life work balance. That is an improvement! And I definitely like what they've done to the food industry by demanding healthier and tastier food. Another improvement! They're making sure that they get out and see the world and have lots of experiences before getting tied down with kids and homes, especially the girls. That is another improvement. Responsibilities are less based on one's sex, and that's an improvement. The Millennials are breaking a lot of rules and unending things. They care passionately about the environment and are more accepting of minorities, gays, people of different religions and cultures. I think Millennials are awesome. LOL ~ I know what an IPA is, but I had to google "amirite."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, isn't it funny how wanting healthier, better tasting food and not to bring our work home with us at night makes us entitled snobs? I mean, if you want to work 12 hour days and eat TV dinners while neglecting your family, then... Go ahead?

      Delete
  29. Man-buns and flannel worn ironically makes them tick.

    Wait. Those are hipsters. Millenials? I think what makes them tick is the will to piss off everyone else.

    Kind of like every single generation when we were all that age.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Coincidentally, man-buns and flannel piss me off. But that's all part of the plan, isn't it? I'm just not "with it" anymore.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LV0wTtiJygY

      Delete
  30. Brandon's beard is pretty adorable - and it's red - yay! As I read these posts AND check my birth certificate, it's pretty dang clear that I am NOT a millennial.(lol) However, I believe they have good qualities that we need to survive here on earth. *heh* I know you guys must have been pulling your hair out, and am glad to see you back up and running. Hugs... RO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, some millennials are great, and some are awful. Just luck of the draw. It's almost like you can't judge an entire group of people based on one fairly irrelevant quality (age, race, gender, whatever).

      Maybe there's something to learn here.

      No, probably not.

      Delete
  31. I'm a generation X and I'm partial to a nice IPA.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know plenty of older folks who like a good IPA. Kind of funny that that beer has been attributed so much to my generation. I mean, they do know that IPAs have been around since the 1800s, right?

      Delete
  32. I haven't a clue what a millennial is nor a generation X. I think I was born before all that stuff anyway. After all they gave me WWII for my 1st birthday.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "I asked for a pony, but they gave me WWII instead."

      Things really WERE harder for your generation. Remind me never to complain again.

      Delete
  33. All Antifa are Millennials.
    Therefore, all Millennials are Antifa.

    I don't like Antifa.
    Therefore, I don't like Millennials.

    Life needn't be complicated, Peoples. Just break it down into bite-sized pieces.

    ~ D-FensDogG
    Stephen T. McCarthy Reviews...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. FACT: all Nazis have this haircut. In fact, a rapper recently got rid of his own shitty version and denounced it, because, you know, hair is now racist.
      [im]https://static.independent.co.uk/s3fs-public/styles/article_small/public/thumbnails/image/2016/11/21/11/richard-spencer.png[/im]
      FACT: If you reference my cartoon, you'll see that I have this same general haircut.

      Therefore, I am a Nazi.

      But also, I am a millennial. And therefore an Antifa.

      Therefore, I am a Nazi Antifa.

      That explains a lot. No wonder I hate myself so much.

      Delete
    2. >>... "Therefore, I am a Nazi Antifa."

      Yeah, see? There ya go! It's so easy and takes all the guesswork out of trying to understand and label people.

      [FUN FACT: You won't believe me, but there are some folks out there who really take this joke seriously. For example, they might say something like "Every person who voted for Trump is a racist". And simultaneously they expect to be thought of as a member of the Intelligentsia. ...Of course, when any of these people live within 300 miles of San Francisco, we probably ought to forgive them. No normal mind can survive the influence of Zombie Town, Commiefornia.]

      ~ D-FensDogG
      Stephen T. McCarthy Reviews...

      Delete
    3. Oh, but it's not a joke. Have you seen how many black Nazis there are? Mexican Nazis? And I don't mean white people with Mexican heritage, I'm talking about dark brown men and women that were born in Mexico, immigrated to the US legally, and now support Trump.

      My own brother-in-law, who is a deep shade of brown and was born in Mexico, supports Trump. A man in my own family!

      These brown white supremacists from Mexico who hate Mexicans... they MUST be stopped.

      Therefore, always punch a Mexican.

      Am I doing it right?

      Delete
    4. Perfect!

      And don't forget to punch yourself in the face... TWICE! Once for being a White Nazi Antifa and once for being a Mexican White Racist.

      ~ D-FensDogG

      Delete
  34. I think I'm a product of the Baby Boomers. Although I resemble a Boomer since I have five kids and am neither Mormon or Catholic. I think my two oldest kids are millenials. They are your age. Not sure what the last one is - he just turned 19. Just your average spoiled brat idiot that thinks he knows it all.

    The computer repairman I called laughed at me when I told him how old my laptop was.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nineteen is still millennial. Hell, fifteen is still millennial. Yeah, I don't have anything in common with someone literally half my age, but apparently we're in the same generation.

      And whatever age your laptop is, I'm just amazed it still works. After about 3-4 years it's like computer law that the computer just break beyond repair and require replacing.

      Delete
  35. Well, at least the guy was a good ... splort about it.

    Eh? EH!!?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I laughed at that, which means I might not be a millennial. I feel like anyone under the age of 25 that saw that would roll their eyes hard enough to shatter an orbital socket.

      Delete
  36. If you were true millenials, this wouldn't be a blog, it would be a lame YouTube channel.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. STORY TIME: What's the deal with millennials?
      Run time: 48 minutes.

      Ending: "Anyhoo peeps, cheers, stay classy, and if you liked this vlog, don't forget to like and comment! And be sure to smash that muh-fuckin' subscribe button, y'all! Peace!"

      Delete
  37. My kids are millennials. I have no idea what that makes me except a mom to three kids who were born in the 90s. Big freakin' deal. They still know how to respect adults, be responsible adults themselves, and live and die by social media...that's normal, right?

    Enjoy the rest of your week!
    Elsie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They respect adults and they're responsible? Sorry, not millennials. Millennials hate any form of authority and are ruining our economy, or so the angry old man ranting in a random Facebook comment section would have me understand.

      Delete
  38. You guys are millenials too? We should get together over an IPA and pumpkin spice latte and discuss how we're killing all businesses or saving them and how we're not getting married but we are and how much we generally suck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That would be awesome! I'll tell you all about the new technology I'm working on that's making the world a better place and/or ruining society by making us all technology dependent.

      You bring the kombucha, I'll bring the avocado toast.

      Delete
  39. I am older than a millennial, but I am really into me. So, I could do it pretty easily.

    I like me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Crap, I'm the opposite. I'm neurotic and I hate myself. What generation is Larry David?

      Delete
  40. As always, you are right on target! I'm sorry that I haven't been here in a while, so you may have already touched on this, but this cartoon reminds me of the newest season of American Horror Story. Evan Peters plays a cult leader who in Trump fashion said that people must never admit that they're wrong and everything is someone else's fault. Now that is the mantra of a true millennial!


    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Trump: the first millennial? Way ahead of his time?

      I do know the show. I think "Lesbians, we're under attack!" is my new favorite quote.

      Delete
    2. Oh, and it's okay that you haven't been here for a while, because we haven't, either.

      Delete
  41. I will not drink another IPA - the last time I drank one I had a headache for two days, I kid you not. Now, that October is rolling in everyone is drinking pumpkin beers with sugar on the rim. I have to say I did enjoy a good Sam Adams pumpkin at a festival last week and yes I had the sugar rim. lol..I had to go for the full experience.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe I'm not a true millennial. I've never heard of beer with sugar on the rim. That sounds kind of weird. I guess it's better than salt on the rim, though. Maybe.

      Delete
    2. well, here you go!

      pumpkin beer with spiced sugar rim
      hmm, maybe it is a regional thing that is why you haven't heard of it, but the bartenders around here ask you if you want the sugar rim. In all fairness most of the men say no and the women say yes..haha..

      Pumpkin Spice Sugar Rim:

      1 1/2 teaspoon sugar
      1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
      1/4 teaspoon pumpkin spice

      Rub the rim of your glass with water. Rim with the pumpkin spice, sugar mixture the same way would would rim a martini or margarita glass. Pour. And when you take your first sip, inhale deeply to get all that spicy pumpkin goodness.

      Delete
    3. Yep, I would say you're quite right. None of those steps sound like something a man would do. :)

      Delete
  42. Ohh, we are millennials. Always thought I was cool and could say I'm generation x. Hahh...

    Music kills me lately.
    I've been hooked on 90's Memphis rap. Over this crap....
    However I was once a 14-year-old who "looooved screamo". Every other person owned Buddy Holly Glasses.
    We drank horrible cheap beer in my teen years. Unless someone's parents had a good stash of green bottled beer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We always thought we were the tail end of Generation X, too. But no, we were Generation X's bratty younger siblings.

      And maybe it's an old person thing to say, but our terrible music was still better than today's terrible music. Give me Blink 182 over Justin Bieber any day.

      Delete
  43. My daughter is a millennial and I REALLY need to learn what the hell it means. She left for her first year of college in August so you just know she's coming back for Thanksgiving full of crap. Knowing everything about everything and I swear she didn't have a clue what a millennial was before she left so I must learn before she does or else she's gonna make our lives living hell. I will be needing that beer in the shower. She was a know- it -all before she left, armed with little knowledge. Hate to see her armed with a pellet gun's worth of ammo.

    ReplyDelete