Monday, September 25, 2017

#32 - Rated R for Refuse



Still a better story than anything Michael Bay's put out in the last 10 years.


99 comments:

  1. Yep. The garbage out there should be rated "R" for refuse! (And how did I manage to be #1?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Because you're always #1 in our hearts?

      (Cheesy 1980s studio audience: awwwwwwwwww)

      Delete
  2. Lt. Hugh Man? Hmmm, seems like good people.

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    1. He's a bit of a stickler and comes across as a grump, but he truly has hearts of gold.

      Delete
  3. Replies
    1. Sometimes I can shut off my brain and attempt to watch one of these, but I'm worried that one day I'll shut it off and it'll just never come back on.

      Delete
  4. Also, I was trying to figure out if "refuse" was being used as a noun or a verb here, as in "This is a pile of refuse" or "I refuse to watch this garbage."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's the kind of depth we bring to this blog.

      Delete
  5. You guys have too much imagination for your own good!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And yet, for all of that, Hollywood still has not come calling. :(

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  6. Based on an unoriginal buddy-comedy mash-up: This Movie.
    Starring: A CGI body-scan clone of Paul Walker as "a renegade cop", Jayden Smith as "a sassy black girl", and Nicholas Cage as "Nick 'get back in your Cage' the Dog".
    Featuring an original score conceived of by the IBM Watson Musical Core.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Solid gold, baby. Solid gold. How are we not Hollywood movie producers yet?

      Also starring: Andy Serkis and a green screen as Lieutenant Hugh Man, and Danny Trejo as the drug dealer with a heart of gold that gives his life to save Sabercop, despite there being many ways that either person could have avoided any harm whatsoever.

      Delete
  7. Funny how Hollywood makes dumb moves and it's proven it doesn't work but they always try. For example, in the willy wonka book, Charlie's dad is alive. They killed him off in the first movie to make it "sadder" for Charlie.

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    Replies
    1. I'm convinced that killing a parent or killing a child within the first five minutes of the movie is Hollywood's new lazy way of getting you to "connect" with the character more.

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    2. Watch any Disney movie, not new. lol

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    3. Aladdin really could have used a dead child to stir my emotions.

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    4. Parent wise, no dead kids in Disney movies I don't think.

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    5. His magic carpet dies? Admittedly, I'm not good at this.

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  8. To quote my favorite TV detective:
    "There was something very familiar about that."
    ~ David Addison
    'Atomic Shakespeare'

    ~ D-FensDogG
    Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't that the smart mouth detective that had the hots for his blonde bombshell partner?

      I mean, talk about contrived ideas and cliches.

      Delete
  9. And I'm sure there are a few people out there that would watch that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hell, pay us enough money and we'd actually write the full script for this movie. It's what comes with having no conscience.

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  10. Hey! How'd you get a hold of my screenplay? Guess it's back to the drawing board. Let's see... I'm thinking a Shawshank Redemption remake starring Kevin James and Kevin Hart, maybe even Kevin Spacey as like a goofy prison guard or something.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Only if you include Kevin Bacon as the grumpy, sassy lunch lady. Working title: Two Many Kevins.

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  11. Damn, now Michael Bay will have to kick it down another notch just to get you guys to do the sequel before the reboot of the remake of the redo of the tell all of the movie to tv of the tv back to the movie of the one where aliens finally blow us up and they stop this shit.

    Movies have gotten totally pathetic. I was comparing it the other day to the Wii. The moment that became the in thing, you got all this shovelware garbage. Now that you can put a movie or tv show out to any of the soon to be hundred subscription services we just get more trash. You'd think with more options things would get better, not worse.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shovelware is the perfect way to put it. Look at CBS All Access - for only $10 a month you can watch the new Star Trek show! And... and... Star Trek. And Young Sheldon, I think? God, who the hell would pay for that?

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    2. Oh, but you're forgetting the Good Wife spinoff. Sad that I know that.

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    3. I don't even know what The Good Wife is, much less a spinoff. Is the spinoff The Naughty Wife? That I might actually watch...

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  12. This is probably why I'm not much of a movie buff.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anyone who loves these kinds of movies and calls themselves a movie buff is lying.

      Delete
  13. B&B:
    ---Now THAT got my week off with a big smile.
    Seems a show you could pitch to some network.
    (even in Spanish!)
    I mean...what's there NOT to like about it?
    (and you can always add explosions out the wazoo later on).

    Have a great week and stay safe out there, guys,.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now with CGI, you don't even have to physically level a building. You can make anything explode. Technology is awesome.

      [im]https://media.tenor.com/images/b7cd86fe025f68609a5b4be728312804/tenor.gif[/im]

      Delete
  14. Wow...
    I want to write a philosophical response to this, but I might not ever stop if I start.
    That would be bad.

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    Replies
    1. You see, Sabercop is an allegory about the folly of man and how our hubris is our biggest foe.

      Also, there are lots of splosions.

      Delete
  15. Personal With A Vengeance would be one of the best titles of recent times for sure.

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    1. I was partial to Sabercop: Revenge of the Vengeance, but this is clearly why I don't work in Hollywood.

      Delete
  16. Replies
    1. This movie is absolutely BASED ON TRUE EVENTS*.

      *in 1997 a white beat cop was paired up with a black woman. All other details may be 'embellished' for the sake of movie magic

      Delete
  17. And here I thought this was the teaser for the new book... tell me it is!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do idiotic popcorn movies translate to books very well?

      ...Only one way to find out. Hold my beer.

      Delete
  18. Hey wait this seems so real... Okay all we have to do is fire up the laser cannons and hey presto. Now I need to beam back to base, you wouldn't have a spare beer handy and some crisps? I'm kind of hungry after watching you guys saber cop each other to bloody death.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The special effects are good, right? You can't even tell that Sabercop is just 2 Labradors stuffed into a polo t-shirt (we couldn't find any humans willing to make a movie this bad).

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  19. I don't know who in the hell Michael Bay is. You've totally ruined the rest of the day for me. I have so much to do, and now I'm going to have to take the time to Google Michael Bay and try to figure out the relevance of Michael Bay to your post and what in the fuck is going on and yada yada yada yada yada I can't stop typing I'm so upset and frustrated iv'e forgoten all the grammer and speling i ever knew and i wont be abel to edit anymore so whose going to give me mony and on and on and on . . . . Maybe I can ask my son what's going on because I have to leave now to pick him up from work, but what was the question?

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. Oh, you'll know who he is the moment you see his awful movie resume. He's the man behind pretty much every brainless popcorn flick 'splosion fest since 1990. You're welcome for knowing that.

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    2. My son explained it to me, so I already understood while I was driving my car to my home sweet home. What would I do without Favorite Young Man? Be confused even more often than I am already, I guess.

      Delete
  20. This isn't a bad idea. "Lethal Weapon meets Men In Black" is a marketable concept. I'll take a producer credit now, thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I'll gladly take the millions of dollars that come with that. Artistic integrity is for suckers.

      Delete
  21. He's no loose cannon cop who doesn't play by the rules . . .
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roU_AoHyReA

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dammit! He was JUST six days from retiring, and he is getting too old for this shit.

      Delete
  22. Oh man, when's the next installment! I need to know what happens next!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stay tuned for next time, when Sabercop breaks in via a precariously open ventilation shaft, karate kicks his German alien adversary straight out of a ten story window, and then flicks a cigarette into a trail of gasoline that ignites and levels half of Los Angeles.

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    2. I'm glad you didn't give away the twist.

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    3. A lot of people are complaining that the idea of the German alien being Sabercop's long lost twin brother is "implausible" and "completely idiotic", but I don't think that they're seeing that it's, like, a metaphor. Or whatever.

      Delete
  23. I hope more of this story is coming! I'm all for loose canons, and Lt. Hugh Man is a kick.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Believe it or not, Hugh is not what he seems.

      ...I think maybe he's gay?

      Delete
  24. I had to look up who Michael Bay is and now I realize why your take on the next movie would work with him. He also looks like Michael Bolton....I smell a movie musical with aliens and tough cops whontransform into lego bricks

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "The Lego Sabercop Movie". It sounds stupid, but is that really any dumber than "The Lego Batman Movie" or "The Lego Ninjago Movie"? What the hell is a ninjago, anyway?

      Delete
  25. I've noticed an increase in military based shows lately, is there a reason for this and does it relate to anything political, I wonder? I'm getting a little tired of everyone being able to float in midair without even using pixie dust. . .I do want to see the new Blade Runner, but I hope they don't screw it up. . .I think I'm off topic, too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't watch military shows, so that probably corresponds directly with my increasing lack of tv watching. But I saw a preview for one, and it was hilarious to me that all of the "top operatives" looked like supermodels. To think, not a single ugly -or even average - person in the military! If I'd known that, I'd have enlisted in a heartbeat!

      Nope, wait, too ugly.

      Delete
  26. I liked this! Aliens taking over LA PD? Awesome!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Couldn't do any worse a job than they're doing now, amirite?

      Delete
  27. You get it on TV and I'll watch it. Have you seen Angie Tribeca? It almost sounds like you are describing that show.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll admit, I love Angie Tribeca. I know it's stupid. I know it's a complete ripoff of Police Squad! aka The Naked Gun. But that corny dad humor always gets me.

      Delete
  28. Maybe this flick is just using all those tropes ironically. So long as the last 1/4 of the movie just CGI battles and explosions, I don't care what they put in the first 3/4. Sure, being an old guy, I can't tell what is going on during CGI battles, but the cool colors, man...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just like being the nerd that points out when the CGI is clearly CGI to me because I can see how the character doesn't QUITE move in a fluid, human way.

      My friends think I'm so cool and smart for always pointing it out.

      Delete
  29. LOL! I can tell you've been reading all the scoops on the new 2017/2018 season. Surely something will grab your attention before the season is over, right? Hugs...RO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A lot of these things grab my attention, but not in a good way. Watching less tv is good for you, so it only helps that the majority of it is crap not worth watching.

      Delete
  30. P.S. Hollywood will be coming soon. Hang in there! Hugs...

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    Replies
    1. You hear that, Hollywood? We're coming! So have those comically cliched bags of money with giant dollar signs on them ready for us.

      Delete
  31. If this is better than Michael Bay I am glad I have never heard of him. But then a lot of stuff put out should be rated R for Refuse.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I bet you've heard of his horrible movies, but I won't spoil your innocence by naming them. Instead, I'll just envy that you don't know who this awful man is.

      Delete
  32. I've never heard of Michael Bay, but I think you have something here. Let it flow. Close your eyes, let the words come, eat some alfalfa, and dance around the living room with your underwear on your head. :D

    ReplyDelete
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    1. So in the second act it's a musical? Appealing to the Glee demographic... Brilliant. I can hardly wait to see Blackcop slap Sabercop before remembering she's actually in love with him, and they'll kiss, and also it's raining, and the magical teapot is singing about cleaning up or something.

      Delete
  33. Definitely better than any Michael Bay film. I'm a sucker for any flick with an animal martial artist.
    [im]http://www.cdcun.com/media/movies/31.pic.1555.jpg[/im]

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    1. I can just hardly wait until they turn this guy's story into an action biopic.

      [im]https://media0.giphy.com/media/N3ktSyw812lji/200w.gif[/im]

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  34. Is Hollywood really still making that rubbish??

    [I live in a hole and am oblivious as to what's going on in the entertainment business. I think I'll keep it that way...]

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    Replies
    1. No, sweet child, Hollywood has gotten WAY better in recent years. No more lazy reboots. No more franchises with 9 fast and/or furious sequels. And Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are definitely not still showing up in movies way past their prime.

      (Far be it from me to stomp on your innocence)

      Delete
  35. If you swallow your pride, decency, good sense, common sense, and talent, you could write enough Hollywood schlock to get a star on the Walk of Fame. A little coke and a few hookers for bribery and you'd have it made. Success will be yours!

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    Replies
    1. Don't think the thought hasn't crossed our hive mind. But what if we make so much drivel, and get mindless yes-men applause for that drivel, that we start thinking it's actually good? And we never write anything good again? I don't know if I can live with that. The millions of dollars, yes, that's easy to live with, but not that.

      Delete
    2. I know you wouldn't do it, but knowing you can...

      Delete
  36. You've hit almost all the main-stream criteria. But, where's the kid and the disabled person? And don't forget the pineapple . . . .

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    Replies
    1. The kid IS the disabled person. You haven't yet gotten to the part where Sabercop's disabled son gets kidnapped (really pulls at the heartstrings) by ninja aliens. Some say the 17 minute crutch duel was unnecessary; I say it was the core of the film.

      Delete
  37. I suspect studios come up with new movies now by consulting one of those charts where you have to look up you first name and last name and see what the letters correspond to.

    [im]https://cdn.playbuzz.com/cdn/77ffb305-15c0-4906-ad42-ecafdd8ea5fd/98d227fa-a01c-47f3-8527-976d7ef61a29.jpg[/im]

    [im]https://cdn.playbuzz.com/cdn/77ffb305-15c0-4906-ad42-ecafdd8ea5fd/1b5e4bc9-395b-4569-b275-5afb961b1a83.jpg[/im]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why do these things always torture us by giving us the worst combinations possible?

      Sincerely,
      Rat Smelly Log and Rat Tinkerbell

      Delete
  38. It's a tad embarrassing to admit that the hardest I've laughed today was at the stupid little 'Hugh Man' joke.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks! We were particularly proud of that stupid little gem.

      Delete
  39. Better than most everything on TV. And better than the news too, real or fake.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sabercop: more truthful than the nightly news.

      That made me sad.

      Delete
  40. I guess when you reach a certain level of frame you get to create crap and people will accept it as golden. Golden Crap Parts 1, 2, and 3.


    Elsie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, of course, because it's always a giant franchise, isn't it?

      Delete
  41. You guys missed an obvious joke and that made me sad. When Sabrecop was going to hack the government I thought you meant literally; like with his lightsaber. That's why you can't go mainstream.

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    Replies
    1. That's why BlackCop went 'awww hellz nah' and hacked it with her karate chop. Same joke, different angle.

      Delete
  42. I'm out of the loop with movies, and I'm trying to cut back on TV. Of course we get everything a little bit delayed here. Which is weird, because timezone-wise I'm a day ahead, so it should be...

    Time travel sucks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But on the bright side, everything is made there, so that's a plus?

      Delete
  43. I...dont know...whats happening here. Is this in theaters now? IS THIS GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The talking raccoon is WAY cuter than our talking Chinese Labrador. And Blackcop should have had 3 boobs or something.

      We're still coming into this whole Hollywood drivel thing. Give us time.

      Delete
  44. Like every movie in my dvd collection. You've tapped into the great Hollywood blueprint for action movies.

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    Replies
    1. Now then, if only I could convert this blueprint into millions of dollars and fame...

      Delete