Monday, August 7, 2017

This Post is Nothing - Move Along

So I know you're probably all wondering where I've been the past couple of wee-







Okay, *IF* you were wondering where I was the past couple of weeks, I've been nursing a broken hand. I fractured one of the tiny bones inside of my hand while beating the living hell out of my body opponent bag.

This asshole.


Seeing as how the dummy is fine, I don't believe I won our last fight. Statistics indicate I may instead be the dummy.

Weeks have dragged on and still I can't draw. I can type a bit, but posting nothing but words is weird. Unheard of. What am I, some kind of author or something?

I figured maybe there's another way I can still get you guys a quality post. Maybe I can make comics entirely out of text.



But no, that's cheesy. Even cheesier than using MSPaint.

Speaking of, I also thought of digging up some old MSPaint files from way, WAY back in the day and adding some new text over those, but it turns out that Microsoft has actually killed off MSPaint. Those bastards.


I even considered asking my wife to draw something for the blog.


But since she doesn't know what she's doing and that's kind of rude of me to push my work on someone else, I can't do that, either.

I even considered just posting a rerun. Taking a slightly older post and reposting it again just for something as cheap as extra views and maybe a bit of ad revenue.


But I can't do that. That's lame.

Ultimately, none of these things fit the bill here at ABftS, so I've decided that for this week you get nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is no post today, no cartoons, and no pictures. Nothing to see here, folks.

Sorry about all of this nothingness. I do hate to leave you with a blank canvas. Anyhow, I'll see you in a couple weeks when my hand is better.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Beer: Left Hand Sawtooth Ale
Music: Vance Joy

The first thing you see when you enter hell
                                                                     

111 comments:

  1. That has got to be some of the best ASCII comic art I've seen in a long time.

    But hey, I guess this is what you get for picking fights with dummies taller than yourself? How much pent-up rage do you even have to dispense to break your own hand? Sheesh.

    (MS shutting down Paint is deprecated news by the way, their software will very much stay alive.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fun fact: I started off making ASCII art back when I had an IBM 286 computer that couldn't print anything more than text. That's what 10 years old do in their free time, right?

      Oh snap (the news, not my hand), I hadn't heard that Microsoft reversed their ruling! Thanks for the heads up. I guess more people have a soft spot for ol' MSPaint than I thought.

      Also, BOB the dummy is fully adjustable, so I mean, I CAN make him really short, but I feel bad picking on midgets.

      I may not look big, but I hit hard. I busted that hand through an 8oz padded boxing glove. Now I invested in some really thick hand wraps. It's either this or therapy, and I like punching more than I like talking.

      Delete
    2. Does your old ass remember these?
      http://www.chris.com/ascii/index.php?art=people/naked%20ladies

      Also, business idea: therapy, but with punching each other.

      Delete
    3. Ha! My old ass does not. I guess 10 year olds in 1993 who didn't have access to Penthouse Magazine had to get it from SOMEWHERE. I applaud the creativity.

      Also, your business idea is called an MMA gym. Punching IS the therapy. Or kicking. Kneeing. Elbowing. Choking someone out. Putting them in an armbar. It's good to explore multiple avenues of therapy.

      Delete
  2. Sorry to hear about your fractured hand.
    (those dummies aren't as "helpless" as we're led to believe.)
    I agree with the pervious commenter...good ASCII!

    Here's hoping you heal up soon.
    (btw, nothing from you guys is still better than all the somethings form many others...just so you know.)

    Stay safe (and one-handed classy for the time being) out there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My dummy is living proof of that silly joke: "Did you see how hard my chin ran into that guy's fist?"

      Dummy's chin - 1
      My hand - 0

      Delete
  3. Be really interesting if Byron was writing this post. There just might be more snark. And a Cosbolt up someone's ass.
    Sorry about the broken hand. I think it's time the dummy lost his head.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I assume, then, I'm going to get an honorary mention in your next installment: CassaBeer. It starts with Byron getting a Space-DUI for flying drunk. I may be biased, but I'd read the hell out of that.

      Delete
  4. Replies
    1. Oh, it could be so much worse. At least I don't have to go to the doctor.

      Well, I don't THINK I have to go to the doctor...

      Delete
  5. That last picture is fantastic. You should cut out the face in the back and use your face on the dummy's body as your profile pic.

    This Beer in the Tub thing is going to go far. Now, where's that cigar I always smoke while cruising your site?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't be surprised when I do this later. I'm just that particular breed of jackass.

      And if you aren't smoking a nice stogy while browsing childish webcomics, what are you doing with your life?

      Delete
  6. Maybe you can start a whole new line of Dummies books. How not to break your hand fighting a dummy for dummies. That art with only typing is still better than anything I can do. Hopefully it heals up quick and you don't become a one handed drawer/typer

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How Not to be a Dummy While Fighting a Dummy for Dummies - my next bestseller.

      Also, that's practically a philosophical question. What's the sound of one hand typing? Answer: a very slow hunt and peck style 'tap... tap... tap.'

      Delete
  7. No more MS Paint!? Damn, that was one of the only things I missed when I switched to a Mac.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Apparently (thanks to Fang, above) Microsoft reversed this decision after they realized how many nostalgic dinosaurs like us were angry.

      https://blogs.windows.com/windowsexperience/2017/07/24/ms-paint-stay/

      Delete
  8. Sorry you hurt your hand, but you really shouldn't punch dummies. It isn't kind. I must say I have never read such a long post of nothingness. You really must try and do nothing better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You might change your mind if you heard what that dummy had to say about me.

      Delete
  9. More ASCII! More ASCII! And thanks for that terrifying image. *shudders* Here I thought this one was going to greet me in hell:
    [im]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mlOPsjTily8/VG8jGq088RI/AAAAAAAACiQ/2JfytlxO16o/s1600/Wajah%2BHorror-SeniASCII.blogspot.com.gif[/im]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, my little comic looks like a toddler's doodles compared to that masterpiece. I don't know if this really inspires me to do more ASCII art, seeing how crap I am in comparison.

      Delete
    2. I like the simpler stuff. That one hurts my eyes!

      Delete
  10. You got away easy. Dummies have been stealing my lunch money and giving me titty twisters for decades.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd be your bodyguard, but I am currently powerless to help you. In fact, I'm ready to kiss my own lunch money goodbye.

      Delete
  11. Um...
    I was going to say something one-handed, but...
    There are just too many ways that could go.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Better than saying something underhanded, I suppose.

      Delete
  12. Stupid dummy - he should pick on someone his own size. I can't help but wonder if he's anatomically current, though. Yeah, my mind goes there.

    Gotta hand it to you, you got the job done. ;~)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's as smooth as a Ken doll down there. No wonder he wanted to take out his aggression on my poor hand.

      Delete
    2. Also, see picture comment to Janie below.

      Delete
    3. Haha. Yikes. Guess I'm happy with bananas.

      Delete
  13. Ouch! I hope your hand gets better soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! It could be much worse. I don't need anyone to follow me in the bathroom and assist me with anything, so I can count my blessings.

      Delete
  14. Rules, records, and bones were made for breaking. Good job, Beer Boy!

    (That last picture is, like, Creepsville!. If that's really the first thing a person sees in hell, then I'm about to clean up my act and stop breaking so many rules.)

    ~ D-FensDogG
    (link:] Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel like I drank all of this milk for nothing. Aren't my bones supposed to be made of adamantium by now?

      Or maybe the milk did do its job, and I prevented my hand from crumbling into dust with a single punch.

      Excuse me while I go brood over this.

      Delete
  15. You have a boo-boo! I'm so sorry for you, little boy nerd. I suppose you'll punch the dummy again as soon as your hand heals because that's what men do. I wanted to know about the dummy's anatomy, too. Thank God Robyn asked for me. Great minds think alike.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I only had to sacrifice my dignity for this. Not that I had much to begin with.

      You and Robyn are both welcome.
      [im]http://i.imgur.com/UK4FA9o.jpg[/im]

      Delete
    2. Oh my. I'm sorry, Bryan. I mean, I know how disappointing it is when even binoculars don't help you find it. Thank you for sacrificing your dignity for me and Janie - Lord and the dummy know that we're not worthy. But you went there anyway.

      Delete
    3. [im]https://i.pinimg.com/originals/48/a1/21/48a121f515c35606be31dfbe91baf2d6.jpg[/im];

      Delete
    4. Well, I mean, there MIGHT be something under those plastic shorts, but I don't really want to chisel them off just to find out.

      Delete
    5. Poor Barbie. Ken is such a disappointment. His dick is so tiny it's non-existent--just like my ex-husband. I wonder which men fathered my children . . . . There were so many that I've never been sure.

      Delete
    6. If it turns out it was my dummy, I'll punch him extra hard for you when my hand is finally healed.

      Delete
    7. But how could it be the dummy? Or Ken? Or Janie's ex-husband? Yeah, I'm fairly inexperienced in the ways of (properly functioning) male anatomy, but I think there has to be a visible anatomy to impregnate a gal. No?

      Delete
    8. See, Robyn, when a mommy loves a daddy...

      Actually, I don't know either. I also don't know how some women that are 400 lbs+ can physically have sex with 4 giant stomachs sloped over their own anatomy like a fleshy avalanche, so maybe sex is just a mystery.

      A very gross mystery.

      Delete
  16. Oh, no! Hope the healing and recovery is speedy. Maybe you want to kick that dummy to the curb...with a steel-toed boot. Just in case, ya know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Forget the boots. I just need a sturdy pair of Hulk Hands.

      [im]http://www.x-entertainment.com/articles/0748/3.jpg[/im]

      Delete
    2. Are those the kind of Hulk Hands that also have a cut-out to hold a drink? Multi-tasking!

      Delete
    3. I... thought you were kidding, but apparently not. These are called 'Uberfists'.

      [im]https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/71Ac9v5v3mL._SX355_.jpg[/im]

      HULK... NO... LIKE... COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT

      Delete
  17. Replies
    1. And Holy Hand Breaks! Ouch. Why were you picking on that dummy?

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    3. If you heard what he said about women and minorities, you'd have punched him, too.

      Delete
  18. There's a lesson to be learned here folks, don't pick fights with dummies, you may end up being one, ouch. Must have hurt real bad. But hey better it was one hand and not both eh?

    Heal fast bro. Greetings to you and yours.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, it didn't hurt much, since I'm a wannabee tough guy. Only my pride. Losing to a dummy is a tough pill to swallow. Thanks for the well wishes, though!

      Delete
  19. Oh damn, ouch. Hope you heal fast and aren't in much pain. I tripped on the stairs outside and fell splat! I fractured my arm, a rib and broke two toes. When I do it, I go all out. lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aside from being a little more useless than usual I feel alright. Just can't put any strain on it. My little hairline fracture is nowhere near as crazy as you nearly breaking yourself in half. Holy crap. Glad to hear you made it out of that alright.

      Delete
  20. Hey, why not get hooked up for a proper beer in the shower going haywire festival. Reaching this level of nothingness is such an awesome event dude, can I see more outtakes?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn, why didn't I think of that? Maybe one of these days when I'm feeling especially lazy (or just broken) I'll have an outtake post. Share all of the stuff that didn't make the cut. I have plenty of that.

      Delete
  21. GAAHHHH to that last pic!

    Sorry about your hand - hang in there! No shame in skipping a "real" post. It's vacation season or something.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That last pic isn't so bad. I look pretty good with square Gumby hair.

      Delete
  22. I come by, I thought what the hell, now I leave

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ha! I think that describes viewing this site perfectly.

      Delete
  23. Do you have a rig like this?
    [im]https://funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/1127198/Broken#89baed_1126754[/im]
    Also, how did you know I smoke cigars whilst browsing blogs?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, eat my butt, stupid internet comment swallowing machine. The picture didn't come through. Fine. You don't get a quality comment this time either.
      Sorry to hear about your injury that I only slightly don't believe the origins of (hyperactive wanking incident is where the smart money truth lies).

      Delete
    2. No, no, I broke my hand from properly posting pictures. Ba-ZING.

      [im]https://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Broken_89baed_1126754.jpg[/im]

      ...after a hyperactive wank session.

      Delete
  24. Breaking a hand.....that little bone can be hell and...is...a real bitch! Amazing what a small bone can do. Between your hand, new baby and all the other schtuff, it s hard to write about anything but you did. Good job of it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, there's always plenty to write about. And draw about. Our lives are ridiculously interesting. Lately it's just been hard to find the time. Or the ability to create a post without crippling my hand for life. You know how it goes.

      Delete
  25. Wait. Did I read that you didn't go to the doctor? You know what happens to those little bones if they break and aren't taken care of. I think they dissolve and then you have a floppy hand with no bones in like an empty glove. Then you can't do anything but slap people in a really limp-wrist way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no, it's only a hairline fracture, so I filled it in with superglue. By man law, it's actually stronger than ever now. I just punched a hole through my dog. I'm sad and amped up at the same time now.

      Delete
  26. Ouch! But I'm really confused. Which one's the dummy? By the way, that's not me in those first frames. I don't smoke cigars... although I am sitting naked at my computer. And I DID wonder where you had gone. Leave it to Robyn to wonder about the other dummy's privates. An up-short shot wouldn't have been much more helpful. Anyway, hope it's not giving you too much pain and hope it heals perfectly and quickly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I didn't think they were cigars. I thought those were just big fat candy cigarettes. The kind where you blow powder smoke. Much superior to cigars, which contain zero candy.

      Delete
    2. Janie started it, Mitchell. Oh wait, I did. Woohoo! But can you blame me? I need to do the research before I place the order. Given that there's no budge in that skirt he's wearing, and he didn't start with any wenis, I'm going to look for a dummy that stands a chance at meeting my needs. Carry on, gentlemen.

      Delete
  27. Your dummy doesn't look so tough. I'll bet you could take him with your broken hand tied behind your back. Go on, give it a try. I know you want to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You mean like this?

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcyPOrRfI60

      Delete
  28. I've been in your situation when I smashed up my wrist a few years ago. There are just some things the other hand can't do...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought about trying to draw with my other hand, but it was so bad it wasn't even coherent.

      Delete
  29. I would like to see a drawing done with your teeth. Or your toes. You don't want to know what my third option is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I think I get what you're saying. You want me to draw it with my wenis, right?

      Delete
  30. Wow, you can do "nothing" better than anybody I've ever known!

    I've always heard that it's foolish to argue with a dummy, because he'll bring you down to his level and then beat you with experience, but evidently, it isn't a good idea to HIT a dummy, either. Ouch. I hope your hand feels better soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe that's a new quote of its own. Never punch a dummy, because he'll bring you down to his level and beat you with no arms.

      Now I somehow feel worse.

      Delete
  31. Sorry to hear about your hand. That dummy sure is an asshole.

    I love Michael G D'Agostino's comment. I'd like to see that, too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I can do that, just hold my beer.

      ...Because I can't hold it myself. I need to invest in straws.

      Delete
  32. That's why I tend to not work out. What would my peeps do if I got hurt and couldn't blog? I mean, they might not have insurance for that...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They should. You have a responsibility to keep introducing me to music that doesn't suck, and that has to be worth something. Not much monetarily, but still something.

      Delete
  33. That faceswap is pretty crazy. Straight from hell

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I look good with sunken in plastic eyes, right?

      Delete
  34. "I suppose you'll punch the dummy again as soon as your hand heals because that's what men do."
    That's not the only thing men do. Although, we can call it "punch the dummy" if you like.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Honey, your hand just doesn't ever seem to get better. Are you still using it?"
      "...That's just what men do."

      Delete
  35. Ouch! So sorry. Unless you did break it from excessive masturbation. Then, I laugh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would laugh either way if I were you, but I'm always down for some sympathy. Even if I did do this to myself.

      Delete
  36. OMG - I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I think I read in one of these posts that you haven't even been to the doctor for drugs or a cast, or anything, AND you're still typing and laughing! You're a serious trooper! I sure pray you'll be much better soon, pain-free, drawing again, and back in the sparring ring. Hang in there! Hugs...RO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yeah, it's not that bad. Even if I DID go to the doctor, they'd just give me some aspirin and tell me to lay off of it. Nothing to do but let it heal. It's not like it's mangled or unusable. Just a small thing. But I can play it up now when there are chores in the house that need to be done. That's a plus.

      Delete
  37. I'm sorry you hurt your hand, hope you feel better soon! I always loved MS Paint though, it always kept me entertained during boring classes in school.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And it looks like you're not the only one, so Microsoft backtracked on that decision soon after and decided not to kill off MSPaint after all.

      Delete
  38. Nooo! Beer, we love you! Don't feel sad. We think of you. :)

    Besides: not like I can make a comment about anyone disappearing for medical reasons. haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I get a nice vacation from life while I rest my hand, and I get to boss around my wife a bit, so I can't say I'm all that sad. Thanks for the love, though!

      Taking a break every once in a while is always great for the creative juices, so it'll be nice to come back completely refreshed. And completely unbroken. I think my wife is getting sick of hearing me go 'ow' every few minutes while I type out comments like this.

      Delete
  39. It's been a long long time since I saw someone create an ASCII comic. Those things aren't easy to make! I hope your hand feels better soon man. Also those body dummies look positively terrifying. If you don't dress them up and use them as halloween decorations then I don't know what you're thinking.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Which one is me, and which one is the dummy? Which is the trick, which is the treat? Guess we'll never know.

      Delete
  40. Sorry to hear about your hand. At least you have a viable reason for missing a post or two other than lack of inspiration. I hardly call post "nothing". That is far better than a lot of other blogger's "something".

    How dare that dummy to do you that way. Hope you mend quickly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, you really can't blame the dummy. I always hit him for no reason, even when he doesn't hit me first. It was only a matter of time before he hit back.

      Delete
  41. The least you could've done was emailed me...oh wait you need your hand...never mind. See, no good comes from being healthy and fit. Just be like the rest of us, Brock or whatever your name is and stop trying so hard. Being fat ain't so bad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! Yeah, I've been meaning to e-mail you, and then this happened. It's hard to type huge paragraphs without needing a break, so... look for that soon. After my hand mends.

      -Brock, A Beer in the Shitter

      Delete
  42. Wow, thank goodness you didn't bother to waste your time, filling a post with a whole lot of something. Sorry to hear about the hand, though! I hope you have a second runner-up ready to take on your duties like beer-opening and nose-picking, should you be truly incapacitated. I kinda liked your wife's drawing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She's actually a pretty good artist. She paints a lot. That took her all of 5 minutes. If she applied herself, well, I'd be out of a job here.

      Also, thankfully I can crack a beer open with just my mouth. Yeah, all I have to do is grab a cold one, open my mouth, and then say, "Open this for me, yeah, honey?"

      Delete
  43. Your "sup bro?" pic is priceless.
    He probably got down on you for calling him a dummy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Who'd have thought that a guy without a real face would win our official face-off?

      Delete
  44. Glad I didn't have to break my hand in order to be on break. But I do like the idea of just recycling all of my old blog posts. Let's see...one post per week? I should be good for the next 10 to 15 years I guess. I don't even think anyone would really notice.

    Arlee Bird
    Tossing It Out

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, now I'm just envious of you. The problem with us recycling posts is that our artwork started out nonexistent, then became really crappy, then just mildly crappy, then finally we graduated to not crappy, which is monumental for us. So the farther back we recycle posts, the more likely people are to ask which two mongoloids wandered off the short bus and started posting under our name.

      Delete
  45. Here's to fast healing for your hand!

    ReplyDelete
  46. When I was having my shoulder issues, it hurt too much to raise my arm up to get it to the computer. I did one whole blog post one handed.

    ONE POST.

    After that, I decided I would just have to wait until I was healed.

    ReplyDelete