Monday, June 19, 2017

I Blame My Dad for This Post

I was planning a bigger post for today, but I spent most of the weekend eating charred meat and trying to explain basic computer functions over and over and over again. That probably sounds like some kind of bizarre torture ritual, but actually, that's just another Father's Day with my dear old dad, who likes his coffee and his steak the same way - black. It was fun, and I learned that my dad is sort of a superhero, in a way.

So in honor of Father's Day, I wanted to share 5 fun superhero facts about my dad.

1. I've never seen him without a mustache. Ever. I always wondered what was beneath it, and it turns out that underneath his mustache, there is only a bigger, stronger mustache... waiting to strike.

2. When he was young, he would wrestle and kill wild wolves for sport, with his bare hands. He would then siphon their souls into his t-shirt. This is why he owns so many of those cheesy wolf t-shirts.

Each of them is a wolf he has bested in combat.

3. He believes that grilled meat needs to be properly charred because the crispiness on the outside traps the flavor on the inside, like a kind of cruel flavor prison.

4. He can break any computer just by touching it. Sometimes even by looking in its general direction. He can also install 8,000 toolbars on a web browser with but a single click.

5. Like the Greek warrior Achilles, his heel is his only weak spot. This is why he wears socks and sandals together, to act as double protection for his only single vulnerability.

As long as he wears this velcro padded armor, he is expected to live forever, continuing to terrorize wolves and computers with reckless abandon.

Oh, and he's also a pretty great guy. He's the kindest, most patient person I know, and I wouldn't be who I am without him. Take that as a good thing or a bad thing, I guess.

Any fun facts about your own father?

Cheers and stay fatherly, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon, who's about to be a father any time now)

Music: Toro y Moi
Beer: Not Your Father's Root Beer

Notice how he's wearing the wolf t-shirt. Yeah, I didn't ask him to do that. He already was. Classic dad.

Bonus: new (probably not to you) comic over on Tapas today. Check it out. Or don't.

Monday, June 5, 2017

2 Legit 2 Quit

After all these years, we're finally going legit.

No, we're not talking about the underground heroin operation we have going (which, I guess, is ruined now that we've mentioned it). We're talking about our comics. Those stupid drawings that have evolved so much over the 70-something years we've been doing this.

As we're sure you all know, A Beer for the Shower started way back in Nineteen Dickety-Two, as anti-Hitler war propaganda.

But we didn't make any money from those. No, we got paid in war bonds, which we've found are surprisingly hard to hawk at flea markets.

Shortly after that, in 2010, we started our blog, and we did something particularly avant-garde; we painted, but with words. Only words, in fact. It was a weird time, but our 2 readers (us, coming back to see if anyone replied) seemed to enjoy it.

We didn't make any money off of this, either, because Google Adwords is a scam. Apologies to the 4 people reading this who somehow haven't had their accounts banned yet. We regret to tell you that that $4.87 will never actually be yours.

A couple of years into blogging later, we got back into art, with some very crappy MSPaint drawings. They were bad. I mean, really bad. I mean, I'm surprised we didn't get tested for mental disabilities and carted off in the short bus bad.

That also was at a time that we were still learning English, having come from the destitute third world country that is Latvia. So our humor, like our English, was still very much developing.

Looking back, we think about 90% of our jokes were potato or waiting-to-die related. Write what you know, right?

And for all of this, we still weren't making any money off of our drawings. And why would we? They were garbage.

But then just last year we graduated! We got an actual drawing tablet. Actual drawing software. We committed ourselves to drawing something that made complete sense.

Okay, so maybe you had to be there. But it made sense to us.

And now we're doing comics. Real life (only not real life) comics. With setups, and punchlines, and art that wasn't made by two potato-guzzling imbeciles.

So we figured it's time to turn pro. This is our way of announcing that as of today, our cartoons are being hosted over on the website, which features such other cool comics as Owl Turd, Sarah's Scribbles, and even our dear friend Captain Kirt, who posts elegantly high-brow humor that we aspire to one day reach.

It also means that we get a tiny, tiny share of the ad revenue over there for everyone who views our comics. And knowing how Internet ad revenue works, we just know that we're totally going to be rich off of free Internet money within hours of launching this!

(Yeah, right. But hey, it's something)

So here's what we need from YOU, dear reader.

...Uh, actually we were just going to say that we don't need anything from you.

That's right, nothing here is changing. We're still blogging as often as time will allow, and uploading bi-monthly comics. But we'll also be uploading those same comics to Tapas, in the hopes that we can make a name for ourselves in the comic world while earning dozens of dozens of free Internet pennies.

We're also going to be seeking out other big-name comic platforms and seeing if we can squeeze in there, too. If unbearably unfunny comic strips like Marmaduke can do it and make an entire career out of it, why can't we at least make a bit of extra beer money here and there?

So worry not, everything we're posting over there is content you've already seen. The only difference is that it's been improved. So for example, today's comic was originally posted on 8/22/2016, but it looks WAY better over on Tapas. Click this dumb baby to see for yourself, or just hit the link below him to check it out.

So if you like, come visit us over on Tapas. Check out the cool custom artwork I made for the banner. Sign up. Download the app. Like/comment. Tell some other random comics to suck it and stop trying to be us.

Or if you don't want to do any of that... well, don't. Everything here will still be updated like normal*, and you won't miss a thing.

*as normal as two idiots like us could ever be

In the meanwhile, we're slowly paving our way toward being underpaid comic strip artists, to go along with being underpaid authors. We definitely put the 'starving' in starving artists, but hey, if the choice is between this and being the living embodiment of the movie Office Space, then we'll choose this every time.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Music: Blackbird Blackbird
Beer: Oskar Blues Beerito

Their heads exploded from pure jealousy, in case you were wondering