Wednesday, February 8, 2017

#22 - You Came to the Wrong Neighborhood, Suckah




(Note: if you've never been chased by a pack of rabidly furious geese just for being in the same zip code as them, then you've never truly lived.)


114 comments:

  1. SECOND NOTE: we have many, but I think my favorite 'pissed off goose' incident was the time my wife and I rode bikes through the park and encountered one lone, angry goose who refused to move out of the center of the path. We rode around him and ignored him, but apparently that still wasn't enough, because he nipped at the wife's leg and took off after us. We kept looking over our shoulders and laughing our asses off at the sight of this, wobbling angrily after us and honking so hard his voice cracked. He followed us for at least half a mile.

    [im]https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gE5RgkOcvf0/WJtEa-ZddbI/AAAAAAAAUrI/Qt3u1CYB_yENm3oy6FointwqIyn99rypgCLcB/s320/GOOSE-ATTACK4.jpg[/im]

    I suppose slowing down and laughing at him didn't help....

    ~Bryan

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    1. I used to get chased by a really big dog-it was a good way to improve my cycling speed.

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    2. The bike path I like to take is full of both geese and coyotes, so I'm training hard just in case I ever have to cross both at once... God help me.

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  2. lmao they have a huge ego and like to try and show they are in control. They sure like to attack dogs too. There was a damn turkey around here that sat in the middle of the road and would not move, then it tried to attack any person's car that neared it, thinking it could actually harm it.

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    1. Turkeys are assholes, too? Why does that not surprise me? No wonder we eat them and center a holiday around it.

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  3. Geese are bad. Swans are also bad. Aquatic birds are fucking terrifying man, they fuck shit up and know no bounds. When I was little, I got my finger bit by a duck I was trying to feed. Learnt to keep my distance from hellbirds.

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    1. Maybe the duck thought you WERE the food. That angry goose DID look like he wanted to eat me...

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  4. Never been chased by geese. I did have a snake come after me once when I was mowing the lawn. He lost.

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    1. I don't know if a lawnmower could stop an angry goose. Those things are vicious. I'd rather just not ever earn the battle scars finding out.

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  5. I've luckily never had a bad run in with a goose, but I've been stepped up on by some punk-ass swan. I puffed out my chest, but he eventually earned my respect for his turf by standing his ground*.

    *He chased me down the trail, and I ran away like a frightened child.

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    1. I'd make fun of you, but the only reason I wasn't screaming like a little girl when I got chased by the goose I mentioned above is because I was on my bike.

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  6. Geese are freaky. At the Toronto Zoo, the geese hang around the food courts and are literally drooling. I went with friends one time, and a goose took a sandwich right out of their two-year-old's hands.

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    1. Geese can drool? Now I'm even more disconcerted. And thank you for painting the picture of a zoo that's just run by a gang of angry, drooling geese that beat up toddlers so they can steal their snacks.

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  7. HA! Geese are a teensy bit touchy about having their territory invaded.

    Ever see the old movie "Friendly Persuasion"? There are some hilarious scenes in it between a little boy (who's probably a grandfather by now...) and his family's pet goose.

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    1. I have not seen that, but I imagine that even as a grandfather now he still has nightmares of a goose kicking his ass.

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  8. Canadians are polite and friendly, but Canada Geese are vicious assholes. It's like they're our Shadow Side.

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    1. They're your evil twins, and they don't even have jet black goatees to establish the difference. How truly diabolical.

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  9. I must remember to stop at the bird sanctuary one of these days to take photos, the Canadians have been spending the winter there and it is basically a huge lake of wall-to-wall geese. I wish they tasted better...

    My super-rich friends used to live in a house with a big pond out front. A pond with swans. They had to drive to the mailbox because otherwise they would get viciously attacked.

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    1. With your super-rich friends, I almost imagine this scenario where they got the swans thinking they'd be a beautiful backdrop for the house, but then they started attacking. They started getting more bold. Now your friends want the swans gone, but it's too late. They've tasted blood. Now it's an all out turf war.

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    2. ....probably why they moved to a mansion with no pond

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  10. We have a city lake nearby where you don't mess with the geese, they will hiss angrily at you and yes they do like to pick on children since they are a similar height. But then, if you had to fly with that heavy body up in the chilly air draughts wouldn't you be pissed off too? Reminds me of grumpy old men. . .'don't you cross my path. . .' This is a refreshing subject, if a little frightening (sometimes animals speak out - do you think we could send a squadron to the White House Oval Office?)

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    1. Oh my god, you're right. You can't build a wall in the water or in the air; they're the perfect army. But what happens when they take control of the White House and the geese look to rule over us all?

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    2. Just feed them enough and hire a geese shepherd. If they get too domineering, we can have a goose cook-off. . .I don't think geese are known for their intelligence, just their belligerence. Now if that reminds you of someone with similar behaviour patterns, so be it. . .

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    3. This is the closest thing I can find, but I think it fits perfectly. And no, that's not Photoshop.

      [im]http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2016/01/21/12/306AADED00000578-3410082-image-a-50_1453379801450.jpg[/im]

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  11. I watched a flock of turkeys chase a guy on a bike one day. He wasn't really getting away from them, either. Those suckers are fast.

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    1. On Communist Russian Thanksgiving, turkey eats you.

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  12. Geese and swans can get very feisty.

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    1. Feisty is a rather nice way of saying they want to murder you.

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  13. The missus has 30 of the bastards wandering around outside our little dwellings, noisy arseholes!

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    1. Well, as long as you leave them alone, they probably make some fantastic guard dogs.

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  14. Ahh yes, I wish I didn't mind goose meat but they are too fatty. When i was little, our neighbour owned a farm with white geese. For years they would chase me and nip me. Once they chased me up a tree and would not leave. I loved it when it was time to cut the chickens head's off but especially loved it when it was the geese's time. Out came the hatchet, down it came and that was that. It was then time for plucking! I finally got permission to defend myself so I did kick the one goose in the head and they never bothered me again. Hmmmmm...this makes me sound like I was a future serial killer but I was just a frustrated kid being pecked by geese. OK...I am weird

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    1. That sounds oddly satisfying, getting to kick one in the head. I just realized that having never eaten goose but having been chased by one that was snapping at me, a goose has come closer to eating me than I ever have to eating him.

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  15. B&B:
    Love the way you turned this around...GEESE?
    (thought it was about OUR neighborhood...heh.)
    Never would have guessed that.
    Can't say I've EVER been chased by them.
    Used to feed them, in fact (but I NEVER told them to go chase anyone...I swear!)

    Good post (and great cartoons).

    Stay safe (and goose-less) out there, guys.

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    1. They let you feed them? What were you feeding them, pot brownies? Any time I've even come within 100 feet of one, they start squaring up and preparing to bite my face off.

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  16. Funny I used to walk by geese, lots of them, every day and never had any trouble, I'm pleased to say. I thought swans were the most dangerous. People have had limbs broken by them.

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    1. Maybe the geese here are just used to being terrorized and are taking a stand against it, but they are MEAN. They start hissing and snapping just at the sight of you.

      Meanwhile, I've never gotten close enough to a swan to see if it could break my limbs, but I'm okay never finding that out for sure.

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  17. One day in the very early 1980s, I was at the Venice canals and a goose standing in the narrow strip between the houses and one of the canals would NOT let me pass. That SOB (Son-Of-A-Bird)! I finally gave up trying to get around him and went back to a little bridge I'd passed and crossed over to the other side. Then I gave him "the finger".

    Why did the Stephen cross the canal?
    To get away from an "Angry Bird".

    But you know how real life events sometimes make it into our writing... About a decade later when I wrote my first and only screenplay, the story's location was Venice Beach, and I included a scene where one of my main characters gets bitten by an angry goose at the canals. It was a pretty good scene, too!

    And BTW, what do you mean you've never seen 'FRIENDLY PERSUASION'? That's a wonderful movie that FAE and I both dig and we TRT'd it. Was that before you were TRTing with us? I could have sworn you saw that with us. Gary Cooper, a story about a Quaker family? You remember Cooper was always racing against his neighbor in their buggies while on the way to church?

    Ring any bells?

    ~ D-FensDogG
    Check out my new blog @
    (Link:] Stephen T. McCarthy Reviews...

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    1. I bet that stupid bird was so mad when he realized that he had no fingers to give you in return.

      So... I guess I could have bothered googling it to figure out I DID see it before. Any time someone mentions an old movie, my go-to thought is that I probably haven't seen it. Because most likely I haven't, except in cases where I definitely have.

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  18. Scrappy learned that at Bixler Lake a few summers ago...

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    1. At least Scrappy's big enough that he was most likely able to defend himself. I've just accepted that if my toy poodle gets attacked by geese that he's a one-bite snack.

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    2. Defend? He retreated with that sad, "Why won't they be my friends?" look he's so good at.

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    3. I think every man's retreated with that look in their eyes at least once. Nope, just me? Alright then.

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  19. I took my young nephew to the park to feed the ducks and he was attacked. It was soo funny, yet so traumatizing.

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    1. I mean, as long as he's okay, I'm totally laughing my ass off at the thought of a small child just being swarmed by this angry cloud of ducks.

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  20. A couple of years ago I walked up to my car and there was this huge and furious goose sitting on the roof of my movable wreck. Damn, now what? That son of a goose kept staring at me as if to say, "This is my goosemobile!" Luckily I won that staring contest and it flew away without taking a shit first. I guess it was my lucky day after all.

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    1. I was kinda hoping you'd say you turned on the windshield wipers, which just kind of slapped him in the face until he got bored and left.

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  21. I come from a long line of geese on my mother's side, and this post, which is based on negative fowl stereotypes, is offensive to me.

    Just look through the anti-goose comments your post is garnering.

    Eating the toe off a shoe? Seriously? Come on. We're not all that bad.

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    1. What about the chunk of human flesh the other one is gargling? Is that not enough for you?

      But hey, we know all geese aren't that bad. No harm, no fowl.

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  22. Nothing a baseball bat can't fix

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    1. That works right up until the point that the goose steals the baseball bat away and uses it against me.

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  23. I have been chased by a herd of rapidly furious geese just for being in the same neighborhood as them far more times than I care to admit.

    Yet every time I see Martin and Edith, the two geese I randomly see outside of my work, my mom wonders why I panic.

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    1. And yet you named them, and with such innocent sounding names, at that. I don't think I've ever heard anyone utter, "Oh no, it's Martin!" Or, "For the love of God, run... it's Edith!"

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    2. It's all part of my plan to have them eat my enemies. Nobody would ever suspect Edith or Martin, so they're the perfect names to make everyone think they're loving and cute.

      Until it's too late.

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    3. Hmmm, I wonder if, like pigs, they would devour and dispose of the entire person? It's like the perfect crime. You've given me so many deliciously evil ideas...

      ...that, well, I can't ever use since I just documented it all online on my personal blog.

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    4. Everybody already knows I'm not just crazy, but a loose cannon. Don't worry, I gotchu.

      Send smoke signals and I'll lend you Edith.

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  24. LOL! Only once, and only one goose. It was enough :)

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    1. All it takes is one feral goose to remind us that we're not always at the top of the food chain.

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  25. I can't say I have. I have been chased by a ferocious beagle. I am sure it mistook me for a squirrel.

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    1. I don't know if it's quite the same experience. A goofy beagle is not quite the same as a vicious goose that's snapping, honking, and hissing while it tries to bite you, peck you, and slap you... all at once.

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  26. Geese and swans are nasty beasts! My son was chased by a few when he was little, feeding them bread. Scared the crap out of both of us. And the ones I saw back in '78 when I took some blotter acid...they kept growing and growing and growing. Hahahaha

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    1. They even chase you when you try to feed them? What assholes. And I kind of want to hear about this crazy acid trip. That sounds hilarious, but also horrifying.

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    2. I just may write about it one of these days. It was exactly that...hilarious and horrifying!

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  27. Swans are pissy, too. When my son was three years old, we shared some crackers with swans who were swimming in a pond. The crackers ran out, and one swan came up on the bank and grabbed the front of my son's shirt. Scared the crap out of us. Before my daughter got tendonitis, she rowed crew. One day she and her boyfriend were merrily rowing down the River Cam when a swan came out of the brush and attacked the hell out of them.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. I can only hope that the swan in the second story got a mouthful of oar. Hell, I might consider taking a big wooden paddle with me next time I go for a run. The geese here are assholes.

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  28. I HAVE been chased by a goose. It's a terrifying experience. They get very territorial around nesting season. They start hissing and flexing their wings, and you just gotta back off. Then they're like, "Yeah, that's I thought, punk! Yeah, you just keep walking!"

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    1. Maybe next time I get accosted by one I'll start hissing back and flexing my own arms. Going goose for goose on that sumbitch. It can't look any crazier than I already do now, pointing at an angry, hissing goose and telling it to fuck right off if it knows what's good for it*.

      *this is clearly a bluff

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  29. Oh yeah, geese are assholes. It's like, somehow, deep in their genetics, they remember that they used to be dinosaurs and ruled the Earth, and now they're brutally bitter. Look at their crazy mouths. That's not just a beak, they have teeth. Their tongues have teeth. Terrifying.
    [im]http://media.gettyimages.com/photos/canada-goose-calling-native-to-north-america-picture-id112193337[/im]

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    1. Damn, tongue and teeth part got cut off.
      [im]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/62/20/ff/6220ffeea08df7a198642592c7ee7bb2.png[/im]

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    2. I feel like horror movies are not properly capitalizing on this, because that's fucking terrifying.

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  30. Geese will fuck your shit up. They are absolutely evil. Those are probably Canadian geese that came all the way over just to mess with you guys. Thankfully I've never been chased by geese, but I have been threatened by them. I was smart enough to stay away.

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    1. Geese are so evil, that even the Canadian versions are still mean. And we all know Canadians are the nicest people on the planet. If that isn't true evil, I don't know what is.

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  31. Every so often there are some geese that hang out in the parking lot to my subway stop. No incidents though... they're pretty chill. Probably because they know that Baltimore doesn't play that shit. They nip at anyone around here, they're going to be plucked and hanging upside down in some seedy deli window.

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    1. So what you're saying is that the geese here are mean because everyone else around here is a pussy?

      Yeah, I could see that, actually.

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  32. My area is inundated with geese. I've never seen so many of them until I moved here. Where I work, there are dozens upon dozens of them and they have major attitudes. I've been late to work because they just stroll across the parking lot driveway in their straggly little pack to and fro from one pond to the other. They don't care if you move the car forward. They just waddle along. Blow the car horn and they raise up, shake it off, then move forward once again. Bastards. Remind me to tell you the story about the white swan. It's a classic.

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    1. I'm going to e-mail you later today to ask about that white swan story because I'm assuming it includes needless violence (on whose end, I have yet to determine).

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  33. They are just dinosaurs with feathers. I spent my toddle-hood terrified by a domestic geese on my favorite aunt's farm. Their heads were taller than me. And when they catch you and bite, it really hurts. And they crap everywhere!

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    1. So really, they attack you from both ends. They're like tiny raptors with diarrhea. That IS horrifying.

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  34. I used to live on a one acre 'farm' where we had all sorts of chickens, turkeys, ducks, and geese. The rooster always wanted to attack me, but the goose always went after my mom. One day that goose bit my mom on the behind as she was gathering up eggs, the next day we were having goose for dinner! I just moved to a suburb of Denver and there are wild geese EVERY-STINKING-WHERE! My cousin tells me to watch out for them because they are extremely protective of 'their' area. Hey, you only have to tell me once!

    ~Mary
    Jingle Jangle Jungle

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    1. As someone who lives in a suburb of Denver, I know your pain, which is what inspired this comic. Anything you step on is their territory, and God help you if you come within 20 feet of them and/or make eye contact. Then it's ON.

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  35. I have been bitten and footed by eagles, but those damned geese still intimidate me.

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    1. How anti-American are you that our nation's bird has seen fit to attack you, and more than once, by the sound of it?

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  36. Geese can be vicious effers. I once saw one picking on another special goose with a deformed wing. I started chasing and shouting at it to stop being a bully. Good thing I didn't catch up to it - it'd have kicked my tuchas.

    It'd be fun the see the video of this goose chase. Your cartoons are fabulous as always, though. And it's not worth risking a phone/camera for the sake of a good geese attack.

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    1. I'm the kind of idiot that would still film that and upload it to YouTube because it's hilarious. Plus, no one in the video would be chanting "World Star!" and I'd film it horizontally, not vertically (the way it was INTENDED, INTERNET USERS), so it'd automatically be an A+ video.

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  37. Ugh, geese. Yeah I've had an encounter or two wit them. They are vicious, and you did't mention the poop. They are poop factories. Make a real mess at the beach! YUCK!

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    1. Oh yes, sometimes I have to stop and turn around when I'm running because the path just becomes a minefield of goose poop, and I don't feel like ice skating across it in my good shoes.

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  38. We used to take our daughter to the park that had a large pond and ducks and geese in it. We'd bring crackers for the ducks and the geese would chase people down to get the food. It always scared my kid and others would scream and run when the geese chased them. But if you grab those noisy f*ckers by the neck, they back off. You don't have to hurt them but they don't like getting grabbed. lol

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    1. The mental image of you grabbing a goose by the neck and shaking it is every bit as badass as it is hilarious. I can choke a human, sure, but I don't know if I have the stones to choke a goose...

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  39. In Adelaide we have more swans than geese. They're twice as big. Think about that.

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    1. I... I don't want to. All I can think about is their creepy buzzsaw-like teeth...

      [im]http://i.imgur.com/P0nHlXt.png[/im]

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  40. I have been attacked on a number of occasions by angry geese. I am not exactly clear what they have against me but geese tend to not like me for some reason. Considering they have made themselves at home in the lake behind my house and deposited large quantities of poop on my deck without me even reprimanding them...I would think they should be a little more gracious.

    (I have had problems in the past attaching pictures but I am giving it a try. If you see a big blank square...consider it a given that I did it wrong again.

    [im]http://i328.photobucket.com/albums/l332/Cheryl_Perzee/geese069%20-%20Copy_zpsp36mcfrp.jpg[/im]

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    1. Yes, that picture worked just fine, and that is a horrifying amount of geese. If I saw that many outside of my front door, I'd make peace with my loved ones and accept that these birds had assembled an army to kill me.

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  41. I never had a confrontation with a goose, but this reminds me of a story. Our house backed up to the high school baseball field and one day when my mom was sunbathing she felt a hard thump. She thought she was hit by a baseball, but when she looked up, she saw that a bird committed suicide on her chest. Your cartoon had a great surprise ending and I'm glad you and your wife made a quick escape!

    Julie

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    1. My cats have spent their whole lives trying to catch and kill a bird, and a dead one literally landed in your mom's lap. Your mom has the most amazing stories. I'm still not convinced she's human.

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  42. Ya know what's the scariest. When they're quiet and you think, "it's safe to pass through." So, slowly you make your way down the sidewalk…then one tilts it's head, one takes a few steps. Then you have a second to think "stay the course or run like hell." Which will set them off? 50/50

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    1. Seriously. And while I'm used to some of them just standing in place and glaring at me while I tip toe by (like that's going to help) it always unnerves me when they start stepping toward me. Like, I know grown men who aren't even brave enough to do that, and meanwhile this 15 lb. bird is walking me down with a look in his eyes that says, "We gonna do this or what, beeotch?"

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    2. And never, ever, ever go within a 1/4 mile radius in spring when they have babies around. That's just suicide.

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  43. Aside dolphons, birds are the most emotional of animals. They'll getcha. In a pack.
    TMZ had some story covered all on a bird.
    Guy paeked where they were chilling so they fucked his car up. Ahahaa.

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    1. So what you're telling me is that Birdemic is real.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jE5dJDgZ644

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  44. Geese can be so nasty! I think it's because they know they're butt-ugly and hate everyone as a result of it.

    I've not suffered attack from geese before, but I have had an angry groundhog chase my bike when I was out in the wee morning hours. The growl from the roadside ditch scared the crap out of me—enough for me to yelp before I realized what it was—but he gave up rather quickly once he got a look at me. Clearly, I am capable of intimidating groundhogs. Probably not much more than groundhogs, but I'll take it. I can work my way up to geese intimidation when I'm more fit.

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    1. I've been chased and assaulted by many animals - geese, dogs, ex-girlfriends - but never a groundhog. That's impressive. Especially since he backed down. Maybe he saw your shadow and predicted 6 weeks of ass-whoopin's?

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  45. There an angry duck that guards the canal tow path and always seems to go for me when I want to pass. It's an ugly thing that has attitude.

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    1. I would say that the ugly duckling will grow up into a beautiful swan but it'll probably still be an angry asshole.

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  46. Hahaha...I've actually never been chased by angry geese!

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  47. Oop, I missed this post! Yes, geese are TERRIFYING. I've avoided eye contact and changed my route to go another way. Will cross the street to avoid them. (Yes, GEESE. Just geese you guys jeez.)

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    1. If you're here and we're still 2 days away from our next post, you didn't miss it. You're just fashionably late.

      Also, all of that is acceptable behavior. It's only weird if you lock your doors when your car is stopped near one. "No, I'm not locking them because of YOU, sir. I'm sure you're an upstanding citizen. I was just locking my doors because of this angry goose that's staring at me like he wants to peck a hole through my soul."

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  48. Yeah - geese can be nasty! They're birds with some serious attitude.

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    1. I like attitude if attitude means feisty and fun, but in this case, it means demonic and thirsty for blood.

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  49. Geese and swans are mean little bastards. At least geese are outwardly less attractive, so idiots don't approach them as often as swans. We used to see at least one sucker get chased and beat down each trip to the lake near our house in Maryland, just after they baby talked it or espoused on how gorgeous it was.

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    1. I don't know, geese are almost kind of cute in a giant, angry bowling pin kind of way. Doesn't make me want to pet one, though. Or any kind of giant bird, for that matter. They just don't really seem like petable animals.

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  50. Those geese look like hungry beasties. I'll have to wear my magic cloak when I go out walking deep undercover next time. All it takes is one little beastie and now I know, these critters mean big business. Us humans, we're the food - aren't we?

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    1. I think perhaps the most human experience of all is the realization that we're not at the top of the food chain.

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