Monday, January 23, 2017

#21 - Be Your Own Boss





100 comments:

  1. There are some aspects I wouldn't mind outsourcing like that.

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    1. If it meant I had more free time and I wouldn't lose the perfectly honed butt-groove in my chair, I would totally do it.

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    2. It takes long hours and tremendous dedication to achieve the perfect butt groove in your office chair.

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    3. At this point, if I lost it, I just don't know why I'd even bother working any more.

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  2. I'm laughing at the last cartoon, and all the employees of the month. I noticed, too, that they don't sell the bro (man bra) in India, do they? I guess that industry has yet to be outsourced.

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    1. With the way I pay poor Pradeep, you think he can afford a manssiere? Thanks to my wife, I've learned that those things are damn expensive.

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  3. Just what exactly are you outsourcing to India? Taking out the trash?

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    1. Ouch. I'll have you know my job is super important and not just anyone can do it.

      Anyway, back to Facebook.

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  4. If I were my own boss, I would probably quit for having to listen to a bossy bitch all day.

    PS- I'm back and I missed y'all!

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    1. My favorite lame joke is "my boss is such an asshole", and it always makes me so sad when stupid people don't get it.

      Welcome back! It's been too damn long. We missed you, too!

      Delete
  5. I'm looking forward to when you sell out to Disney.

    And not just because I look forward to seeing a guy in a Bryan suit at Disney World.

    I'm also looking forward to seeing some kid inside a giant Peggy Sue outfit. And a Slim Dyson costume.

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    1. Wow, I think Disney is a little generous. At this point, I'd settle for the 4th highest rated Latvian cartoon network.

      BTW, at any given time I am a walking Slim Dyson costume. Also, is it vain or meta to be Bryan inside of a Bryan suit? Asking for a friend.

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  6. I had a chuckle over this. The first box is so like me...as I type actually. :P

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    1. Amen, sistah! I don't need stupid things like pants to be productive!

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  7. haha the cat did more work in October? Hey, some of them work for a buck an hour. Slave labor and inappropriate workplace behavior worked for Trump. We'll be seeing you as president soon.

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    1. The cat does more work than me constantly. I guess the boss just thinks too highly of himself and still has to make it seem like he did everything. Typical middle management.

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  8. But I see you made it to India to look sadly through the window. You must be doing something--I won't say right. :)

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    1. Oh, no, Pradeep came to me. His family is really nice. I'm starting to enjoy curry a lot more. Really keeps me warm when I'm outside in the bushes.

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  9. The Indian man is all wrong, don't you know it is some 12 year old boy who now has your job? Love the cat as employee of the month which is so true because they know all about sleeping on the job.

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    1. That is a 12 year old boy. He hit puberty REALLY fast.

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  10. I'd ask yourself if you are accepting internships. There's no pay, but think of all the experience you'd earn working for yourself.

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    1. I just got myself coffee, and then slapped myself in the face for putting in 2 sugars 1 cream instead of 1 sugar 2 creams. Am I doing it right?

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  11. If they would reduce some of the top heavy management levels, especially the ones who pompously walk about pointing out how to work better, faster, harder (get that nose to the grindstone, buddy) then they could increase the worker levels. Management doesn't get the job done, the worker bees do. Internships (the guy who suggested these should be incarcerated) are how companies get something for nothing - a cheap-ass tactic, but hey if the intern is stupid enough to work for free, the company isn't going to argue. Being your own boss is infinitely better than working for someone you know isn't as smart as you.

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    1. I don't know about that. After all, I work for myself, and I'm definitely not as smart as I think I am. I don't even have anyone to boss around, except myself, and that doesn't work very well because I'm stubborn.

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  12. You don't outsource your own job to lay yourself off, you outsource to be the boss of others. Don't forget to hire people to verify the work of your other people, and you can just kick your feet up and watch the dough roll in. #corporatemanagement101

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    1. You sound EXACTLY like the kind of highly motivated middle management team we need here at ABftS Enterprises. You're hired! We can't pay you in money, but we can pay you in experience and in emojis. 😎😎😎💯💯💯🔥🔥🔥

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  13. October's Employee of the Month is a cat? Seems legit.

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    1. Not just any cat, MY cat. I mean, that would be weird if someone else's cat was employee of the month. That'd just be plain nonsense.

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  14. I would like to outsource my housework, especially the laundry. I'm not sure how that would work. And if I did, would Trump penalize me for outsourcing? Being my own boss is so tough. I'm thinking about going on strike because of my healthcare costs.

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    1. According to UPS.com, it's $391 to ship 20 lbs of laundry overseas to India, so I imagine keeping things in-house would be better for you financially. Or, at that point, just buying new clothes every single time.

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  15. B&B:
    Now those are some GREAT reason to work for yourself...well most of the time.
    The hardest part is dealing with UNION disputes when you find your contract coming due.
    Every try picketing your OWN house, for example?
    And then hating yourself when you cross the picket line and become a scab...geez.
    Yes, the fun never seems to end, does it?
    But at least the coffee's cheap enough.
    And, you can always steal from yourself to FUND yourself.
    (my God, it's a microcosm of the Feds...LOL)

    Good post.
    Stay classy (and self-employed) out there, guys.

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    1. Ha! Yeah, my boss is a real chump. I've been stealing toilet paper from him for YEARS, and he buys the good stuff. What a moron!

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  16. I've been self-employed for years, or as another gal once called me... a "kept woman." (I, ahem, preferred "housewife"...) True story: when at a big luncheon with my hubby and a bunch of his co-workers years ago, said secretary asked me, rather snidely I might add, how I liked being a kept woman. I was taken aback for a sec, but quickly recovered, grinned, and said, "I LOVE it!" She never bugged me again.

    Anyhow, the best part of being self-employed is the stuff I've only realized in the fifteen years or so since my husband retired. I don't HAVE to do it all today. Schedules DON'T rule. If something doesn't get done today, I can do it tomorrow. If I die tonight, oh well. It becomes somebody ELSE'S job, then. :)

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    1. You have just given me an amazing idea. It's always so hard to describe to people what I do. I'm a writer, a blogger, I manage a pop star. People never understand. So next time I'm just going to say I'm a kept man. I'm going to need to work on my swooning Southern belle accent, too.

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  17. I want that cat working for me! At the very least, I'd love to outsource all the marketing stuff.
    [im]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/0e/15/d6/0e15d69c3f68a478312b597db18fcf33.jpg[/im]

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    1. Sadly, I think my cat lacks the patience to handle our marketing.

      [im]https://media1.giphy.com/media/3oriO0o3mjqifL7wK4/200.gif#8[/im]

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  18. I really WAS my own boss...
    for 3 weeks in 1984.

    But because the horses did NOT finish in the order I was daily predicting they would, I went out and got myself another boss.

    Phuqin' horses' asses!!

    ~ D-FensDogG
    My new blog is @
    (Link:] Stephen T. McCarthy Reviews...

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    1. Your mistake was betting on horses. The real money is at the greyhound track. Why do you think they call it 'working like a dog'?

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  19. I love staying at home and working in my jammies. The neighbors have gotten used to seeing me wander outside in a nightie and have stopped asking if I'm okay. Occasionally I put on a robe, but not very often. They probably call me the crazy dog lady who never wears clothes. Your cartoons are excellent.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. If I lived next door to the crazy dog lady who never wears clothes I'd probably never get any work done. Also, my wife would have probably boarded up the windows long, long ago. And sewed my eyes shut.

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    2. I'm 57. All my body parts headed south long ago. I'm not sexy in a nightie. Your wife would laugh at me.

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    3. Any man that says he wouldn't sneak a peek and enjoy it is either lying or gay.

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  20. Maybe if you hadn't made your cat employee of the month in October, you wouldn't have had to outsource yourself. Cats have no work ethic.

    (FYI that's not racist, i have a TON of cat friends.)

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    1. I don't know, that IS a black cat we're talking about. You're skating on thin ice, here, Gia. And do NOT give me that excuse that you have black cat friends, because petting a black cat one time doesn't make you not racist.

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    2. Look, I didn't want have to resort to sharing this but my uncle is MARRIED to a black cat, okay?!?

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    3. Uh, no he's not. You can't just slap a tuxedo on a cat and call it a black cat, okay? That's, like, SUPER racist.

      [im]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/4a/44/a7/4a44a7c756aa6a3456d691b36fcef985.jpg[/im]

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  21. The major trouble, in my opinion, with outsourcing, I can't understand what they say. Their English is better than my knowledge of Indian languages, but their pronunciation leaves a lot to be desired. It is a fact though that Indians and Chinese beat our knowledge of technology hands down. Some cats too. I don't live with one so am not sure.

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    1. I think I made a huge mistake outsourcing the writing to the Indian guy, because now our novels are completely incoherent, whereas before they were just slightly incoherent.

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  22. You know, I actually envision the kind of thing like that guy did who "wrote" Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, Tom Swift, etc.
    yep yep

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    1. If it works for James Patterson, it should work for me too, dammit. Pradeep - write me the next great American novel! And then 87 more after that! Chop chop!

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  23. I guess the cat had a purr-fect month...lol...ok cheap shot, but I just had too, I couldn't resist the set up.

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    1. See, if I was capable of those A+ puns, maybe I'd still be employed. This is why Pradeep the Indian guy has my job, and why my cat is now CEO of my house.

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  24. I have actually had people offer to do my work for me and I have considered outsourcing my own work. I never went through with it though because if they did bad work it would reflect badly on me. I don't trust others enough to start my own company. So I'm just going to work myself to death.

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    1. I feel like writing is one of those things you can't outsource. And yet people do, all the time. I didn't even write this comment. Some 12 year old in China did, and please help me Mr. Bryan beats me glahsdlahisdliahgli

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  25. We have a girl at work that two of my co-workers have apparently gotten clues that she has a huge crush on me.

    The male of the two coworkers who told me about it, also told me to grab her ass to see if they were right.

    Imagine that fun trip to the HR office

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    1. "No no, someone else told me to do it. And it's okay, because I'm married, see...?"

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  26. When tax time comes do you guys deduct all the porn you bought online during 'work hours'

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    1. People... buy porn? Like, they know that free boobs flow like waterfalls in the land of Google, don't they?

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  27. Woah, I had no idea that the ad itself would be shown with that comment about A Beer for the Shower playing a starring role in the first ad produced for SiteHoundSniffs.com. I took it down in case that upset you, and I will see about emailing you where you can see the ad.

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    1. Worry not, friend, we are not the type of guys to get upset, especially if it's good natured. Without even seeing it, we're flattered that you have an ad featuring us. If you see this, don't be afraid to post it again. We'd love to see it.

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  28. There was some story a few years ago about a guy who actually outsourced his job because he would still make a big profit while not having to do a damn thing.
    http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2013/01/16/169528579/outsourced-employee-sends-own-job-to-china-surfs-web
    I think you're living the dream here. And of course the cat got employee of the month. It was all about multi-tasking.
    [im]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/1c/d9/2c/1cd92c52b5b3503c31f3dd908b64c2b5.jpg[/im]

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    1. That article is the most amazing thing I've ever read. That guy made more than I do, even while giving a quarter of his salary away. Bravo. I used to work in IT, and my wife used to work in IT, and I think the thing that shocked her the most is that truly anyone can do it. Even a 12 year old boy in China.

      Fun fact: anyone in IT who doesn't know how to fix something just Googles it. Hell, 90% of your work life is probably just Googling things and running through the answer you find. Sorry if that spoiled the magic of your local 'genius' IT guy.

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  29. Hehehehe I'm lucky that I am the cheaper, more efficient outsourcing version now that I'm working for myself.

    Earning in USD ROCKS when you're paying expenses in Rands. ;-)

    Also. HI GUYS!

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    1. HEY! Good to see you again!

      And lucky you! Earning in USD sucks when you have to pay for everything in USD. Also, you're poor. And everyone else is poor.

      GOD BLESS AMERICA!

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  30. You could have given yourself a YUGE bonus and severance package, all sorts of parties, I mean business meetings, bribed government officials for favorable legislation, sent your vast profits out of the country and move somewhere without an extradition treaty just as you are being indicted. That's the American way! I'll come and visit.

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    1. I'm not smart enough to do any of that, which is why I'm probably stuck working for some asshole* while he sits back and reaps all of the benefits**.

      *me
      **a modest, middle class income

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  31. Working in your PJs is definitely a great perk!

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    1. I'm hoping to soon upgrade to that giant onesie with the butt flap for quick and easy toilet access.

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  32. I never thought of outsourcing myself! I need to hire myself a boss. I'm not overly dedicated to getting work done.

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    1. I don't think that would end well.

      New boss: "I know you technically own the company, but you can't just fire your own boss because I told you to stop playing around on Facebook."

      Delete
  33. I still have nightmares about the time I had to start up a division in India to do our job and manage them from the US via phone/conference calls. It made me seethe inside. I wake up sweating when I hear in my dreams "yes, thank you veddy much".

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    1. Yes, 100% yes. I know it's such a dumb thing to gripe about, but Indian tech support people thank you for EVERYTHING. It's unbearably polite.

      "What is your name?"
      Bryan.
      "Thank you very much, sir! And where do you live?"
      Colorado.
      "Thank you so very much, sir!"
      Please stop thanking me.
      "Yes, of course! Thank you very much, sir, for the advice!"

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  34. I could outsource myself too. I need a maid, chef, accountant, house cleaner, pet sitter and walker and babysitter for my husband. I think it would be more cost effective just to do it myself.

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    1. I'm exhausted just reading that. I think I need a nap. True story: if I had the choice between working 40 hours a week at a factory and being a stay-at-home mom, I'd choose the factory job in a second. MUCH less back breaking.

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  35. It would suck if you hate your work colleagues.

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    1. My colleagues are alright, but my boss is a real prick. No ethics, no spine, and between you and me, he is just hideous. I don't know how his wife can even look him in the face without laughing.

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    2. I feel the need to insert some laughter here so you're 100% sure your "my boss" joke didn't fall flat. You're welcome. :)

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    3. Thank you. You're too kind! Maybe next time I just need to insert one of these bad boys after my dumb jokes.

      Delete
  36. I'm an independent vendor, working for an actual organization that pays me. Per store. Yeah, I set my own schedule, work my own hours - which co-incide with THEIR terms - and pay my own expenses and taxes. HooRah for self employment. So, how come my scheduled vacations never happen when I PEN them in?

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    1. You're not involved in a pyramid scheme, are you? Blink twice if you need help.

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  37. Couldn't understand a word he was saying?

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    1. We still hit all of our sales quotas for the week, so we call it a win regardless.

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  38. In "The 4- Hour Work Week," Tim Ferris actually recommends outsourcing yourself. He even outsourced finding a girlfriend. But he's crazy.

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    1. My wife is a lease because it's actually cheaper than just buying. She's a robot, mind you.

      I am also crazy.

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    2. Did you get the product protection plan on her? Any problems and they'll replace her, free of charge.

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    3. Of course I didn't do something sensible like get the protection plan.

      Because I'm crazy.

      Delete
  39. LOL! Amen to that. We had a business that ran us into the ground several years ago. So much stress. So much trauma. I appreciate people who can run a business and smile at the same time. No thank you!

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    1. Marketing books is hard enough; I could only imagine running an actual business. I also say no thanks! I'll stick to freelancing.

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  40. My biggest issue with being my own boss is all the sexual harassment I have to deal with. o_O hahaha The employee of the month wall is hilarious!

    S.K. Anthony: Amazon’s New Print On Demand Feature

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    1. Don't I know it! Just yesterday someone that didn't even work there just grabbed my ass like it was nothing.

      My wife is something else, alright.

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  41. No sexual harassment here. Which is good because the only person in the house that I didn't birth is dating my daughter and that would just be very awkward. I find I lack the motivation to run my shop like I want it ran. I probably should outsource it and lay myself off.

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    1. You hire the right 8 year old, and I bet you could even get those shirts and hats hand-knitted. It's not ethical, but boy are those tiny hands efficient and cost effective!

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  42. So, um, are you watching me right now, Bryan? Cause I'm still in my PJ's, eating a chocolate Pop Tart, drinking a Coke, and "working" from home (aka Blogging aka writing the next best seller...on Amazon, let's not get too crazy), and it's 9:08 a.m. on a Friday. So, yeah, I'm "working" from home.

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    1. I'm just sitting around, wishing I had a chocolate Pop Tart, and also looking at the clock and figuring just how early is appropriate to pop my first work beer of the day.

      All in a hard day's work around here.

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  43. I'd outsource my job if only there was a person qualified to meet my level of productivity. This spectacularly low level of work output that I am capable of, can only really be duplicated by a corpse.

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    1. Just know that your comment made me laugh out loud. Well done.

      We haven't heard much of this guy since the 80s. Maybe you can hire him, and for cheap, at that?

      [im]https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BMjAwMjU1MTA4N15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNzAxNTc3NA@@._V1_UX182_CR0,0,182,268_AL_.jpg[/im]

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  44. Outsourcing you job is a great idea. You can enjoy more free time whilst still getting the job done. I wish it was an option for me.

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    1. It's an option for anyone, if you're determined enough. And unethical enough, since you'll probably be outsourcing it to some poor third world kid who's making literal pennies.

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  45. All is not lost. I am sure there is going to be an executive order legalizing inappropriate workplace behavior. Maybe even mandating it.

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    1. My wife, who's all in favor of equal opportunity, will take advantage of this new mandate just as much, if not more, than I do.

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