Friday, April 1, 2016

How to Obliterate That Stubbornly Annoying Belly Fat (#4 Gave Me Rectal Cancer)

You may not realize this about us, but we are both expert nutritionists. Each of us has 32 years of experience of eating food (that's 64 total years of experience), so believe us when we say that we know what we're doing.

So today we're going to share with you the 8 tips and tricks that we've mastered over the years to give us the flat, trim stomachs that are driving women everywhere* wild, and if you follow our advice then in no time you'll have ribs obtrusive enough to play like a xylophone.
*woman, singular



1. Don't eat red meat.

Scientists have recently discovered that eating red meat is terrible for your heart, because it's loaded with fat. They say it's the leading cause of obesity and hypertension in adults, so skip this if at all possible! Your waistline will thank you!

2. Move your abs.

You may not realize this, but your abs are the "core" of your body, which is why it's called your core (who knew, right?). Moving those abs and keeping them strong is vital to a slim stomach, but it can be hard to move them all the time. Trust us, we know. So don't be afraid to ask a friend to move them for you. Or a trusted neighbor. Or a very skilled dog. Just don't misplace them in the process.

Brandon personally prefers to have a machine jiggle his core into shape.


3. Eat red meat.

Scientists have recently discovered that eating red meat is fantastic for your heart, because it's loaded with good, healthy fats, which your body needs. They say it's a great way to fight obesity and hypertension in adults, so don't forget to eat your steaks! Your waistline will thank you!

4. Exercise all of your abs.

You might not know this, but you actually have six abs, which is why a six pack is called a "six pack" (who knew, right?). Most people make the mistake of only exercising 2 or 3 abs, when really you should be exercising ALL of your abs. To achieve this, we recommend the "Holding Plank" exercise. This, much like that awful planking trend, is when you lay down on the ground, arms behind you, legs behind you, and flex your core for as long as you can.

Bryan's been known to plank for as long as 8-10 hours straight.


5. Don't eat red meat.

Scientists have recently discovered that eating red meat is terrible for you, because it's loaded with carcinogens that can actually give you cancer. It may be tempting to have a nice big steak for dinner, but don't do it! Your body will thank you when it's NOT being ravaged by demonic cancer cells.


6. Be young.

Statistics show that people under 18 have a 150% faster metabolism than those who are over 21, and a whopping 200% faster metabolism than those over the age of 60. So take advantage of that and stop needlessly slowing your metabolism by getting older. Choose not to age. Your waistline will thank you!


7. Eat red meat.

Scientists have recently discovered that while eating processed red meats like hot dogs are terrible for you and can cause cancer, natural red meat is fantastic for you, because it's loaded with the protein your muscles need to stay strong, and the more amount of muscle you have, the higher your metabolism will be. So next time you're feeling hungry for a nice, big, juicy steak, don't deny your body the fuel that it needs. Your waistline will thank you!

8. Be Asian.

Studies have found that Asia has the lowest obesity rate in the world, with Vietnam having only a 0.50% obesity rate. That means that out of 100 people, only 1 is half obese! That's amazing!

So stop being a fat, lazy American, and become a thin, healthy Asian.



There you go, folks. It's not rocket surgery. Stick with these 8 tips, and you're GUARANTEED* to get the slim tummy you've always dreamed of.
*not guaranteed

Don't believe us? We both have before/after pictures to show you, and you know they're real because we drew them ourselves!

Just months ago Brandon was a fat, disgusting wildebeest that couldn't even lift himself out of bed. Today he's slim, trim, and ready to hit the gym.


And Bryan, well, he was in decent shape to begin with, but with this program he turned into the hulking behemoth that's been lurking deep within him for centuries.


Cheers and stay fit, friends,
B&B

Music: Skylar Spence
Beer: Upslope Thai IPA