Wednesday, December 7, 2016

The Time I Almost Met Adele And Then Got Banned From Her Studio

Hey, guys. Bryan here. We interrupt our regularly scheduled schedule to bring you a story for the ages (well, at least around this kind of joint). I mean, it's not often that I get to begin a story with "So I was in Hollywood at a music video shoot" nor do I often get to end it with "and then I got banned from Adele's studio." But that's not clickbait. That's exactly what happened. I went to a music video shoot, and as a certain orange someone might say, it was...

donald trump tiny hands

So as some of you know, in between co-writing hilarious novels like Tuck Watley: Freedom Fighter Fighter (WARNING: SHAMELESS PLUG), I also am the social media manager for an up-and-coming pop star. Basically, I'm the dude that uses my experience here as a D-list Internet celebrity to help her build her brand, put out social media content that doesn't suck, and grow her into a digital superstar, in addition to a bunch of other stuff like proof-reading/improving anything she writes, and even writing the script for her WIP reality series (apologies to the 4 people that thought reality TV was real).

Well, all of last week I was in Hollywood, California, helping my pop star prep for her first official music video shoot, which we were all super excited for. Our five person team was putting in ten hour days in preparation for this thing, including dance rehearsals, because Pop Star wanted to show off and bust a move in this one. Also, although I did storyboard another music video she's going to later shoot, I did not storyboard this dance video, probably because I still use phrases like 'bust a move'.

Pop Star (center), choreographer (to the right of her), dancers, and Director Assface (we'll get to that)

So writing and storyboarding this thing was in the hands of Director Assface, who had a fully written outline, loads of cool ideas, and a really douchey, pretentious mononymous stage name that he insisted everyone call him. In other words, he seemed like the real deal!

He swore up and down that we could shoot this all in one day, since we only had him for 12 hours. We thought it was kind of weird that he wanted everyone to show up at 11 am, but he assured us it'd help the creative process and that we'd have enough time to shoot.

And then the craziest thing happened. The creative process went to shit and we didn't have enough time to shoot anything.

I'm actually in this shot, but I'm so white you can't see me
It certainly didn't help that while everyone else was ready at almost all times, Director Assface's crew took their sweet, lazy time building sets. We didn't get our first shot until 3 pm. That's FOUR solid hours of waiting around, doing nothing. And by the time the sun set, we barely had the second shot completed. Mind you, once the good takes are edited/sewn together, that's like 30 seconds of usable footage. This in the first 5 hours of the day.

Yeah, that's not good.

You know you're bored when even with palm trees and a beautiful sunset you still look dead inside
In between awkwardly standing around, pretending like it wasn't weird that people weren't doing anything, I got to chat with the two male models who were hired for the day. The first male model was hilarious, only in that I'm comfortable saying he is without a doubt the dumbest human being I've ever met. Like, I don't know how he functions in day to day life without hurting himself. I wish I was kidding, but this handsome, chiseled manchild was everything you'd expect in a stereotypical mimbo.

I have plenty of stories, but as an example, this is an actual conversation that took place after he changed into his costume (a black suit).

Me: You look rather dapper, sir.
Mimbo: Why thank you, sir! You look dapper... as well!
*I'm wearing a faded t-shirt and jeans*
*uncomfortable pause*
Mimbo: Now... could you please explain the definition of that word?

He also stared at my t-shirt for an inordinate amount of time trying to decipher the joke (it says "I don't want to taco 'bout it" and has a picture of a very sad looking taco) before reading it out loud very slowly the way a third grader might, suddenly cackling like a mad man, and saying, "Ohhhh, I get it!" He then asked me if I made it. If I somehow made that t-shirt by myself.

Yes, people like this actually exist.

If everybody looks cold and miserable... well, it's because they are.

The second male model (very sad looking black dude on the right, pictured above), meanwhile, was the opposite of hilarious. He sat in a corner for 8 hours looking like he wanted to hang himself, probably because that would have at least given him something to do. Everything was so behind schedule that he was eventually sent home, having not been in a single shot, his time wasted. By this time, with only a few hours left of shooting, the third shot had barely been set up.

Now mind you, in his original outline, Director Assface had this quirky idea to have Pop Star, the dancers, and some men dress up in traditional Muslim garb, except the men would be in burkas and the women would be showing their faces. They'd dance together and have fun, and it'd just be a twist on the culture. A little provocative, but nothing crazy.

But on set, there were no men to stand in for this shot. The dancers were given burkas, and Pop Star was the only one whose face was showing, so the dancers basically looked like her own personal harem.

And the shot that Director Assface had in mind, which took 2 extra hours to set up, outside, in the freezing pitch black darkness, was a set that looked like a war-torn ghetto. In other words, he wanted to have Pop Star dance with a bunch of women in traditional Muslim garb on top of exploded cars and extinguished tire fires, to create a scene that essentially looked like they were a bunch of terrorists popping and locking over their most recent bombing.

Now, I don't write scripts for dance videos (yet), but I'm pretty sure that's a terrible fucking idea, unless the point of your music video is to waggle two giant middle fingers at all Muslims.

I, for one, would love to tap dance on an exploded car in the ghetto, but probably not in a burka

Pop Star was furious, and they ended up just shooting a quick dance routine in front of the white backdrop (yawn). Time ran out, with only the first portion of the video filmed (and barely any of the dancing she practiced months for being shot), and as of right now Pop Star has no idea what the hell she's going to do, because she was promised a killer music video and got nothing. Plus, this all came from money she saved up herself, and I'm sure I don't have to tell you how ridiculously expensive this all was. It's not like she can just fire the director and start a whole new video shoot from scratch. This was it. All or nothing, and we got... well, a whole lotta nothing.

So if you're wondering, this is why I can't yet introduce her to you by name (though I want to, soon) or name drop Director Assface, because we don't know if this thing will get dragged to court. Hopefully not. We don't want a fight; we just want a damn video.

And ultimately (because I like to make things about me), this whole fiasco even ruined my own job for the day: behind the scenes. Pop Star had brought along her own personal camera man, who was going to follow me around for the day and have me ask people questions as the process was completed.

I thought it would be fun to have everyone who was a part of the production dance with me individually for a quick and silly 30 second compilation montage, and then to ask everyone a serious question and a funny question about production. And yes, I can dance (like a jackass).

Once upon a time ago, Brandon's security camera caught me in the act of dancing

And the funny questions I had planned were going to be great, too. For example, I wanted to ask the dancers: "Does it make you angry that professionally, strippers also call themselves dancers?" I even had a good one for the director: "This video is all about female empowerment. As the male director, aka the guy who bosses all of the ladies around, would you mansplain to me the importance of your role?"

But since nothing was completed and everyone was in a pretty sour mood, that didn't happen. As a dude who knows comedy, I know it's all about reading the room, and you can't force people to be in a silly mood, especially professionals in the middle of their job who are being frustrated by a lackluster work environment.

Maybe next time you can see me acting like an idiot with cast and crew.

Choreographer: Now I want you to stand in front of the whole class and say you're sorry.
Director Assface, mumbling under his breath: 'You're sorry'.

But that wasn't the craziest part. No, the craziest part was that the whole time, Adele was shooting her own music video in the studio directly beside ours. Her stage manager (super cool guy), came in to our studio just after noon and told us that yes she was there, yes she'd be there all day long shooting, and just asked us to respect her privacy. We, in turn, told him that Pop Star saw Adele as a huge inspiration, and that it would mean the world to her if Adele could pop over just for a minute to say hi to us.

The stage manager said that he couldn't promise anything, but he'd pass it along to Adele during a break and leave that all up to her. But he seemed optimistic. Suddenly the mood was lightened again. Everyone was stoked at the idea of meeting Adele. Maybe this whole thing would work out after all!

Oh, but don't worry, faithful readers, because Director Assface made sure to fuck that one up too.

Two hours later, the stage manager burst through the doors and shouted, "Who the fuck is the dumbass in the dreads?"


Dumbass-in-the-Dreads, looking lost and confused while Director Assface is working tirelessly to create his masterpiece (LOL JK he's just fucking around on his cellphone)

We were a little confused, because that didn't register at first. But the stage manager repeated "Who the fuck is the dumbass in the dreads?" while simultaneously sounding like he wanted to murder us all.

You see, Dumbass-in-the-Dreads, one of Director Assface's crewmen, had wandered off to Adele's studio while he should have been setting up a shot and had the brilliant idea to play Peeping Tom and film her with his cellphone while she was in the middle of shooting. Adele caught him, freaked the hell out, and brought all production to a grinding halt while her stage manager ran out to find him (Dumbass-in-the-Dreads had fled the scene, of course).

Needless to say, we were all ripped various new assholes by her stage manager, even though we had nothing to do with it, and were warned that if any of us so much as went near Adele or her studio again we'd be given the DJ Jazzy Jeff from the lot.


And so that's the story of how I almost met Adele and then got banned from her studio. Which is a damn shame... because I'm sure she's gonna regret that for the rest of her life.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: My wonderful pop star
Beer: No one drinks or eats in Hollywood (but I've never looked more fabulously waifish)


105 comments:

  1. Am I the first person to comment this time out?

    This is a lot of pressure. I feel like I should make an Adele joke, but I don't know any Adele jokes.

    I might have to come back later, when I am on my A game. I sort of feel like your director right now. I'll have something within 12 hours.

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    1. Can't wait! You bring the burka, I'll bring the tire fire. I'll be in hair and makeup for the next 12 hours getting that crisp Chola look that's super camera friendly.

      Delete
  2. We have a whoooooooooooole lot of people who come through my office so stupid that I really do wonder how they function in day to day life without hurting themselves. It scares me sometimes.

    ...I had to google Adele because I can never remember which pop star is which.
    :::crawls back under rock:::

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    1. It's better under that rock. Better music lives there. People on set were so confused that I wasn't as excited as they were about Adele being there. The day I squee over a pop star is the day I leave my wife for a South American pool boy named Paolo.

      Delete
  3. I hate to say it's going to court, but it sounds like that might be Pop Star's only hope of recouping her money. She doesn't want Director Ass' video anyway.
    Next thing you know, you'll get banned from Justin Bieber's studio. Wait, that would be a good thing.

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    1. Being tied up in court would be a huge loss for all of us, because she still has deadlines she needs to make. It's a huge mess either way.

      And if I get banned from Bieber's studio, it would be from kicking him in his shriveled nuts. That would be so worth it. I knew having Hollywood connections could lead to great things.

      Delete
  4. Ugh, this is a mess for Pop Star. I can't even imagine how frustrated and disappointed she is right now. To have her hopes dashed like this by some jerk who promised an awesome video, and then failed. Horrible. I hope he refunds her her money as he should. His idea for the video was a terrible one. What a moron.

    Oh, and I'm going to just ignore your comment about reality shows not being real. I know they are. I'm certain all that drama isn't manufactured. It can't be.

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    1. It's a shame, too, because his other videos are pretty good. I mean, it's not like we just hired this guy sight unseen. And refunding his fee is only a small chunk of it. Pop Star still had to hire the dancers, the choreographer, the stylists, the make up artists, etc. for that entire day. That's a huge chunk of change to lose if it's all for nothing.

      And you want drama? In season one, she actually fights a grizzly bear. Real life is awesome.

      Delete
  5. I think I don't have a good response to this.
    Or, rather, I do, but it might go on for days, which I don't have time for at the moment.
    I feel bad for your Pop Star.
    People suck.

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    1. Pop Star: WELL, what did Andrew say?
      Me: He still hasn't responded yet.
      Pop Star, pounding desk: Dammit, my whole career depends on this!

      People do suck. It reminds us of the time a videographer wanted to turn Slim Dyson into a movie, and we did all of the leg work, and all he had to do was show up and shoot the damn thing, and... it was too much work for him, so he flaked. The amount of dreamers I've met who turn out to be huge flakes is sorely disappointing.

      Delete
  6. I would've imagined if you're going to spend all your savings on someone, you'd want to see them work first. Surely it's possible to just sit in on a director while he's working on something, to see what his process is like etc? Doesn't this guy have awful reviews on Hollywood-Yelp or something, either?
    That just kept getting worse and worse, I'm actually kind of amazed how screwed up things got. Hope there'll be a happy ending to all this, good luck!

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    1. According to Hollywood-Yelp, the martinis are a little dry but the food is amazing and the parking lot is spacious. I don't think that helps our situation.

      Unfortunately, these sets are closed off, so sitting in on him doing his thing wasn't really an option. As mentioned above, we did see his past work, so it's not like we were flying completely blind. Maybe it was the 12 hours just not being enough. Either way, he promised us that was more than enough time and fell way short.

      2 stars. Martini was super dry, tacos were soggy, and the video was shit. Would not dine again.

      Delete
    2. Well, if you are giving two stars, what's the upside?

      Two completely on related things, because I am uncultured like that:
      Shouldn't there be a new blog post by now?
      Also, you fools got tagged (^: https://blog.fang.io/2016/12/lefty-challenge/

      Delete
    3. On the upside, the beer was warm. It was cold that day, after all.

      1) Forgive our clunky posting schedule for this month. Day jobs/ the holidays have got us both swamped, but we're putting together a special Christmas comic that'll be posted in a few days.
      2) Come on, man! Why you gotta do us like that?
      [im]http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/f0/f04c1aeda6b9091fc92e0c0e3ea456ab2815c0c0db8542ad897925c28cee6543.jpg[/im]

      (If you're gonna tag us, at least embed that link!)
      https://blog.fang.io/2016/12/lefty-challenge/

      Delete
  7. That sucks for her losing a good chunk of change on shitty work. Court does sound like the only way, but unless you go the Judge Judy route, can take friggin years.

    I've met many a dumb person, amazing how they get by and what they find funny. Poop jokes is the extent of their humor.

    That was a dumb idea too. Offend Muslims everywhere, yeah that will get you noticed, pfffft. What do some of these morons think?

    Reality TV is fake? You don't say.

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    1. Pop Star wants to be famous, but not Judge Judy famous. I think that's the wrong kind of fame.

      And if it tells you anything, Mimbo thought Director Assface was a genius. I wonder if between takes they were exchanging poop jokes?

      Delete
  8. My sympathies to Pop Star, you, and all those people who came to honestly put hard work in that day. Wow. Director Assface is too mild of a name for that jerk.

    You can bust a move, dude! That's awesome. Though when you mentioned Brandon's security cam, I got confused for a second because my son's name is Brandon. What's my kid doing with a security cam? Though I wouldn't be surprised if he could hack it.

    [im]http://www.welivesecurity.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/chicos_hacker-623x410.jpg[/im]

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    1. Yeah, see, when I'm not blogging, writing, or filming music videos, I like to fly to blog friends' houses and dance outside of their children's windows. Please don't call the police. It's all in good fun.

      [im]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/e5/0f/3a/e50f3a6db11e35841669ac210219a8aa.jpg[/im]

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  9. B&B:
    Okay, so that was one helluva story, and sounds kinda typical of the wannabe "rich and snotty". They DO get that snotty part down early enough, though. Grant 'ya that.

    And here I thought the military was the only place where everyone gets to "hurry up and wait"...LOL.
    Nothing says "WTF?" quite like a dumbass director who can't tell the difference between his ass (face) and a hole in the ground.

    BTW, nice security cam video ("The Busta-move Bandit" revealed...HA!)

    Good post.

    Stay safe (and classy) out there, guys.

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    1. If all else fails, maybe we can just make a security cam dance video.

      No wait, that's a terrible idea.

      Delete
  10. I feel bad for Pop Star and her hard-earned money. But it sounds like Director Assface's ideas were all shite anyway. That whole dancing burka kickline thing would be a career-ender, I would think. But then again, what do I know? In today's America under Trump, it might have made her into the new Beyonce.

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    1. I ran this idea by her earlier, in which she does this really cute Nazi salute as kind of a dance number thing, but she was just not having it. :(

      Delete
  11. Now that's a story of shenanigans and shitheads!

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  12. I was chuckling right from the beginning: Gonna shoot a music video in one day?! HA! Sure, if you don't mind it looking like some 16-year-old's YouTube channel stuffs. But a "PROFESSIONAL"-looking video in ONE DAY?!

    And you're going to start at 11:00 AM?

    And the sets haven't been built yet?!

    BWAH-HA-HA-HA!! There ain't no way in hell this was going to happen. I was on 1 or 2 Hollywood sets once upon a time ago so I know what it entails -- the number of set-ups needed, the time it takes to place the lights and mic, practice the camera work and make adjustments.

    Even if y'all had started first thing in the morning, with pre-built sets, I can't imagine ONE DAY'S worth of shooting would have produced a really good MTV / VH1 quality music video. Maybe something passable; something better than you'd find on a 16-year-old's YouTube channel, but...

    Sheesh! And I'll bet you never even got some suds at the Rainbow Bar, didja? What a waste!

    Adele? Isn't she the one who flashes the Illuminati signs? Or is that ALL of the "other" ones I'm thinkin' of? Snark: off.

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Dude, the sets they ended up 'building' were pathetic. It's like they just said fuck it and went with whatever was in the room. Example: for the first shot they dragged an old treasure chest prop back against the far wall, set up a smoke machine, and then set up this big dolly for the camera. That was it. THAT took four hours to get set up.

      And worst of all, I didn't have a single drop of beer there. That means no bar period. That's a lot to ask of a guy who's standing around doing nothing for 12 hours.

      Delete
  13. What a disappointment. Director Assface can bite my little pink butt. So cruel to hurt Pop Star that way. I hope it can be solved without going to court, but what she needs is her money back so she can hire a director who doesn't want to create a terrorist-type video and who actually does something other than fuck around. And no Adele! No Adele for the rest of your dancing dude life.

    Love,
    Janie, who always looks dead inside because she is

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    1. The sad thing is, it's not just about the money. It's about a deadline that she set, that others are counting on that video being done for. Assface pretty much ruined everything. He even ruined Christmas. I don't know exactly how, but he did.

      Delete
    2. He's the Assface Grinch who stole Christmas. Do you realize that you are young and cute? Too young and cute for me, but I like to look. And no, if I meet you, I will not grab you by the balls.

      Delete
    3. Nah, it's all set lighting and smoke and mirrors. I'm actually a 200 year old swamp monster with moles and wrinkles and wrinkly old moles. It's Hollywood magic, if you will.

      Delete
  14. One thing I have learned from this story, and others you have told, is you get what you pay for. And usually a lot less. Was director assface related to some of your past agents?

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    1. Yes. He's also the second cousin of the jackass who was going to help us turn Slim Dyson into a movie.

      Delete
  15. I hope Pop Star gets to try again, so you can tell us about getting kicked off some other famous people's sets. Could be a whole series.

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    1. Next up: Bryan rage-vomits on Brittney Spears. Stay tuned!

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  16. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I again revealed my tech-stupidity on your blog by posting an image that was too big. Let's try this one. But first, there are no ends to stupid, and you seem to find the best forms of everlasting stupidity. Plus, you're always able to spin great story of of the wreckage. So sorry, but the story's a winner. Your ideas for the video are too. Shame you're on the other side.

      [im]https://usercontent2.hubstatic.com/5969543_f260.jpg[/im]

      Delete
    2. I do encounter a lot of stupidity, but thankfully I've been able to fight it off (and with a smile, at that).

      [im]http://www.kappit.com/img/pics/43707404agadg_sm.png[/im]

      Delete
  17. For every thing that went awry, I was saying "wow". So let me just give one big "WOW" for all the headaches you had to endure. Sounds like you needed a lot of patience. That and a whole lotta beer!

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    1. It wasn't that bad for me. I can only imagine how it was for Pop Star. Maybe there's a clause in her contract that allows her to legally punch the director in the nuts until his scrotum explodes?

      Delete
  18. "I don't want to taco 'bout it."

    Obviously it's a statement of existential dispair over the fundamental inadequacies of communication and the tortilla shell-like fragility of life. One "gets it" by bitterly laughing in the face of adsurd annihilation.

    Duhhhhh!

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    1. Oh my God... I'm not the smart one in that story. I'm the idiot.

      Have I always been the idiot? I need to go question my own existence now, kthxbye.

      Delete
    2. I have this one t-shirt that has a this giant cat face inside an astronaut suit. My wife and my daughter hate when I wear it because it looks so stupid.

      So one day I had this on and I was walking up to the door of the mall, and there was this emo/goth girl standing at the curb having a cigarette, and she sees this shirt and she goes, "Yeahhhh! Fucking space cat!", and she's nodding like it was something profound or badass. It killed me the way she said. Now I always say that every time I put that shirt on.

      Delete
    3. That is amazing. For the record, you are not the only Bryan with a fucking space cat shirt.

      I have a t-shirt with this picture on it. And you would not believe the amount of people who ask me if it's real. Not only that, but the last time I went grocery shopping while wearing that shirt, the cashier complimented it, and I spouted that same line: "And you would not believe the amount of people who ask me if it's real." And the cashier laughed, and then asked, "...Wait, it IS real, right? I remember hearing about that."

      Fucking space cat.

      Delete
  19. He sounds like a chubby chaser to be doing that

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    1. If that's the case, he's in the wrong industry. At the shoot alone he was in a room full of people where I was probably one of the "heaviest". I'm 155 lbs.

      Delete
  20. I'm newer to your blog, so I had no idea you worked with an up-and-comping Pop Star. I'm sure that's an entertaining job. ;) As evident by this post. I feel really bad for Pop Star. I hope things work out for her.

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    1. Thanks! Yeah, hopefully one day we can scrap that whole up-and-coming thing. Not that it's saying much, but she's leaps and bounds above Brittney in every way. ESPECIALLY intelligence. It would be nice having a pop star in the world where you don't sigh and shake your head every time they speak.

      Delete
  21. Watching you dance reminded me of why I play in the band. So I don't have to dance like that in public.
    If Adele had known it was YOU things may have been different. Director Assface should be thrown into the shark-infested sea.

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    1. Dancing like that in public is the best because I have no shame. Also, it makes my wife sigh and cover her face and pretend like I don't exist, and what husband doesn't live for those kinds of moments?

      Delete
  22. Sounds like a day from Hell and I do hope you guys can sue Director assface to the ends of the earth and back.

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    1. I'd settle for straight to civil court and back. It's all about compromise, you know.

      Delete
  23. That day you had is a day of hell for sure and assface will just walk away not caring. The pop star probably does not have the money to take assface to court. I would love to see you on Damcing With The Stars...you would great in a bright pink sequinned shirt.

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    1. I'm pretty sure anything pink and/or sequined would just instantly sap all dancing mojo and reduce me to a stumbling idiot capable only of the Macarena and the Elaine Benes kick.

      Delete
  24. You certainly live a very interesting life that I could only ever dream of. I couldn't tell who your Pop Star friend is from that photo but it's not like I'm up with current events anyway. You could tell me her actual name and I'd still be like "Who?" You're lucky I know who Adele is and I'm sure she'll forever regret the day she didn't get to meet you.


    Never trust a guy in dreads.

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    1. The last time we trusted a guy in dreads he promised us an Indie movie and then fucked us over royally and left us with nothing. You may be onto something.

      She's an up-and-COMING pop star, so you probably would say "Who?" anyway. But not for long, if I have anything to say about it.

      Delete
  25. So did you guys shoot that terrorist video part or did you talk him out of that? Hope you get some money back or at least another recording session. And what's not dapper about a tee shirt with a taco on it?

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    1. Oh no, Pop Star refused to shoot that, which is why we have even less overall footage. But I told her that was the right move, because we don't want to look like a bunch of intolerant idiots. Everyone agreed.

      And I was planning on being even more dapper, but I left my tuxedo t-shirt at home.

      Delete
  26. I'm surprisded it would not have been more cost effective to do everything local and fly in who you needed...but then you would not have had the chance to piss off Adele.

    So I gotta ask-who is your pop star (or is that a secret)?

    LC

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    1. Actually, that WAS local. Pop Star lives in Hollywood, and she flew me in so I could be a part of it all. I typically just work from home. I have no desire to move to Hollywood... see that whole part about them never eating or drinking (no thanks).

      If you really want to know who she is, I can tell you privately. You probably haven't heard of her. But for now I'm keeping it all hush hush since, well, we don't know if we're going to go to court with this clown and I don't want to blow anything for her.

      Delete
  27. Awesome story. It sucks that all that time and money was wasted, but I love the retelling.

    I was once kicked out of the backstage area of a Tracy Byrd concert by Tracy Bird himself. He grabbed the back of my jacket and pulled me through the door into the alley. I thought he was going to punch me, but he just left me there.

    Although, in my story, it actually was my fault. I deserved it, but I was too drunk to remember most of the details.

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    1. That sounds like a way better story. If only you were coherent enough to remember it at the time. And I've never thought much of Tracy Byrd, but anyone man enough to kick someone out of his own backstage area personally is alright by me. Justin Bieber, for example, would have had 20 armed security guards do it (and quivered in the corner).

      Delete
  28. Unfortunately, this sad story isn't very surprising. Dealing with those Hollywood types who are so sure they are indespensible can be an exhausting experience to both your brain and your wallet.

    Better luck next time. Might be a better experience to just hire the 16 year old you tuber to shoot your video. The professionalism exhibited by your assface director couldn't be much worse.

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    1. Considering there are 13 year olds on Vine/Instagram who are famous for the 6 second videos they created in their mom's basement with their cellphones, I don't think your average idiot is concerned with professional quality. You may be onto something.

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  29. Aw, I feel really sorry for Pop Star. Who knew that dressing non-Muslims up as Muslims was a bad idea?

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    1. Especially when that non-Muslim is a pretty white blonde girl. I mean, he might as well have just suggested she do blackface... or maybe they WERE in blackface, but the burkas hid it. He WAS an idiot, after all.

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  30. Like me you have the ability to grasp defeat and disappointment from the jaws of victory.

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    1. I live to be disappointed. Even this comment I'm typing was disappointing to me.

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  31. WOW. What an experience. Nothing more frustrating than people who waste my time and money. I hope Pop Star gets justice.

    On the up side (for me, of course), your shameless plug of Tuck Watley reminded me that I need to repost my Amazon review. I took your advice and made sure to add "It didn't suck!" Um . . . actually, that was the title of my review. And they said they couldn't post it because of "language."

    So I'll retitle it and resubmit it right now. There was no mention of suckage throughout the review itself, so my best guess is that the title was off-putting. I'm not sure why. I mean, if I'd said, "It really sucks!" then I could understand people being put off from buying it. But I specifically said it did not, in fact, suck, so I'm not sure where their argument comes from. I'm doing them a favor by telling them how not-sucky it is, and therefore encouraging a purchase. Sheesh. These people are so picky.

    But enough about me. I'm off to re-review!

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    1. ERROR. We apologize for the inconvenience, but your comment was not allowed through the blog's system because of foul language. However, we will not tell you what that language was. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

      We had a friend who went through that exact same issue, and he had to post over and over again just to find out the problem. His actually got flagged because he had joked about getting his full 2 cents' worth - 1 cent for each of us, and I guess Amazon flagged that as being a bribe in exchange for a review. No, really. Picky might be an understatement!

      Oh, and thank you again, not just for posting that, but for re-posting it and then re-re-posting it! Most folks would have given up after the first failure... and we would not have blamed you one bit.

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  32. That's so depressing. Didn't anybody smash his face in? I mean, gently? What a loser.

    I say, "Bust a move!" all the time. Are you telling me that isn't hip anymore?

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    1. We sicced the Muslim dancers on him, but makeup did a great job of hiding the black eyes.

      Next time you say "Bust a move", make sure you look around the room so you can catch the teenage girl who's rolling her eyes so hard she detaches a retina.

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    2. Will do. Now excuse me while I go watch that video again.

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    3. I wanted to dance like that for those dancers just so I could watch them all collectively sigh hard enough to puncture a lung.

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    4. Did I mention I´m impressed by your um impression of Trump's mouth? No?

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    5. Obama's famous artwork was always those hope and change paintings. Maybe my Trump mouth can be the next generation? ...Probably not.

      [im]http://www.zerohedge.com/sites/default/files/images/user5/imageroot/hope%20and%20change.gif[/im]

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    6. Speaking of hope, did you notice how a reader of my post on Rogue One called me a misogynist the other day? Of course, I proceeded by kicking his (yes, his) ass, but I couldn't help but sense there was little hope left in my universe ;)

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    7. Damn, we've been off the blogosphere for the past few days, and this is what we missed. I'm all fired up now. Whose ass are we kicking? Is there any left to kick after what you did to him? And most importantly, why is it always nerdy males that are so concerned about throwing around the word 'misogynist' while your average woman is just like, "Yeah, whatever dude" (like a strong, badass chica)?

      Okay, I saw the post, and I just have to say, the dude in question has some serious anger issues and really needs to work those out. His blog, which was once a paradise of absurd humor (my favorite) is no longer funny. Over the past year or so, it's just degraded to social justice warrior-style rants that are full of so much anger. I can say this because he doesn't visit here any more, not since our posts about political correctness (which apparently doesn't exist) or gender identity or whatever else SJWs get their panties in a wad about. It's a goddamn shame and a complete waste of talent, all sacrificed in the name of spewing left-wing bullshit (and spoiler alert, neither of us are right-wing).

      There, I said it.

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    8. Thanks for saying it out loud. I couldn't agree more. I used to like the guy a lot. That's why I wrote, "Maybe you should read some of your own stuff and ask yourself why I'm not complaining. Maybe I get your posts more than you get mine." It sure is a waste of talent, all right. I know I can be grumpy - it's my frigging name - but, you're right, that's just full-blown rage.

      Enough said.

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  33. How frustrating all that sounds. Standing around waiting and still have nothing to show for it is maddening. I agree with Debra She Who Seeks that the idea of dancing Muslims might not be the best theme for a video but then what do I know? All and all director Dumb Ass sounds like a real jerk....along with his peeping Tom assistant. Unfortunate that Adele's people felt the need to blame your whole crew for his dumbassery. I hope things work out for Pop Star.

    As for the dumb but handsome model. I am not sure a person needs any intellect if they are good looking enough. Sure it's nice to be smart and all but I know a lot of really beautiful people that are hardly able to function and seem to have done well in life. Good looks trumps a lot of inadequacies.

    Loved the dance video. What a riot.

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    1. I don't think dancing Muslims is a great idea for ANY kind of video, especially one that's being put together by white people. Hopefully the end result doesn't look like she's doing the Jihadi Jingle. I don't think that's a good way to win over new fans.

      Also, dumb but handsome wants to be an actor, but I can't imagine him even memorizing the definition for the word dapper, let alone memorizing a whole script. Maybe the market for silent roles will start opening up?

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  34. Wow, that's a crazy story. Just like one idiot to ruin it for everyone.

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    1. Yep, in a crew of 20-30 people, it only took 1 single idiot to screw things up for everyone. Perhaps we shouldn't have given that idiot the steering wheel by naming him director.

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  35. WHO IS THIS UP AND COMING POP STAR?!?!?

    *throws self on floor dramatically*

    I NEED TO KNOWWWWWW

    *flops around*

    I HATE SECRETS WHEN I DONT KNOW THEMMMMM

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    1. I feel like it's more satisfying keeping you in suspense than it is to drop the name and have you go, "Oh, I have no idea who that is whatsoever. Well, that was disappointing."

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  36. That's quite a story! What an idiot! I think Tuck Watley and his friend, DB, need to give him a swirly.

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  37. That was some adventure there and I cannot believe people sometimes. Court can be expensive and frustrating, but it might be the only way.

    You know you're bored when even with palm trees and a beautiful sunset you still look dead inside - wow that is boredom of another dimension.

    Well, I did enjoy your dance moves - in fact so much I watched it twice..you know twice as nice.

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    1. I probably could have had a whole beach to myself and still been bored to tears... Actually, nah, that's not true at all.

      And thanks! Maybe her music video should have just been all of us dancing like idiots. That sounds fun and refreshing. But hey, what do I know, right?

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  38. I...wow. I'm trying to find the proper words, but the only thing that comes to mind is: Your day job is so much more exciting then mine. Being a tech analyst with a wild imagination only goes so far. XD

    Thanks for sharing though. That was a trip.

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    1. Sometimes exciting is a good thing and sometimes exciting is a bad thing. I wouldn't trade this gig for any in the world (minus, you know, full time writer living on the beach) but there are definitely moments I shake my head, sigh, and just wish I was sitting in an office clicking away at a computer.

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  39. Omg! You didn't email me this...why? ;) I must use "Assface" as a surname soon.

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    1. I've been too busy tangled up in Assfaces to e-mail anyone. That's why I had to at least share here. I wonder if, at his wedding, they pronounced the couple Mr. and Mrs. Assface?

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  40. That's such a sad story. I can only imagine how disappointed Popstar was. Assface should have to return her money so she can hire a real director.

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    1. "Whoa, bro. Like, I'd love to return your money, but that check is goooone. I have, like, no idea what happened to it."
      - Assface, who cashed the check instantly

      Delete
  41. Poor pop star. I hope she gets her video made and you don't have to drag assface to court. Emmy is determined that one day she will be a pop star too. I love hearing her sing, but her being famous kinda scares me.

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    1. I think it's important for Emmy to know that being able to sing is only like 5% of the job. She has to carefully craft a "brand" that A) people like B) people can connect with and C) she sticks to religiously (people hate when pop stars act out of character). She also probably has to hire people to help with that, because I work my ass off 40 hours a week on that stuff. There's no way Pop Star could just do that alone and in her free time. Also, if Emmy had been at that 12 hour (12 hours straight, mind you, there are no breaks) shoot she'd see how un-glamorous the whole thing is. Pop stars make it LOOK fun, but trust me, it's really not!

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  42. Was the director on Preacher? You would love the Assface character if you haven't seen him. Sorry you had to deal with those idiots. Popstar should have just hired you to direct, choreograph, and be the muscle. Merry Christmas Bryan and Brandon!

    Julie

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    1. Arseface! Yes, great reference! So we've talked about it, and I think for the next video Pop Star and I are just going to do it ourselves. I guarantee what we come up with will be 1000% better than Assface's pathetic attempt.

      Mehhy Kihmuh! (so says Arseface)
      [im]http://i.onionstatic.com/avclub/5761/59/16x9/640.jpg[/im]

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  43. What a dick Assface is. I hope it doesn't end up going to court, but it sounds like that may be the only way for it to be made right. Is this guy known? Can he be ruined? Maybe someday you can out him.

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    1. He's not known enough to be ruined, not by a long shot. I mean, HE thinks he is, but his opinion (as we can see) is not really one to be trusted.

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  44. I've just downloaded iStripper, so I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.

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    1. That might be the most pathetic thing I've ever read.

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