Thursday, December 22, 2016

#20 - Merry Christmas, You Ho Ho Hoes


Hey, cheap labor is cheap labor, amirite? Though it's debatable whether lugging Christmas decorations out of storage and stringing them all up is better or worse than a sad handy-J, we both want to wish everyone (prostitutes and non-prostitutes alike) a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, a Happy Festivus, an Awesome New Year, and any other random holiday you may or may not celebrate. We'll see you next year!

Cheers and stay festive, friends,
Brandon and Bryan


(Yes, that's my real Christmas card this year. Close friends and family members have been, uh, blessed* with a physical copy)
*absolutely not the right word


101 comments:

  1. Hmm... There aren't usually so many lasers in Christmas cards. or at least not the ones I've seen.

    You don't look creepy enough.

    If your wife wasn't in the picture, you'd probably end up on some FBI list for sending this out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I asked Santa for a shitload of lasers and he delivered! If you never thought of asking him for lasers, well, that's your own fault.

      Also, it's hard to look extra creepy when the cat's biting your nipple. Maybe next year.

      Delete
  2. Luckily those Christmas lights I bought years ago are still in their original packaging, so no untangling for me. And have a Merry Christmas, guys! That Christmas card would be at the center on my mantelpiece.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We've had the most half-assed Christmas ever. Didn't take any of the decorations out, didn't put up any stockings. Hell, my present and my wife's present both arrived via Amazon yesterday and we just opened them and started playing with them.

      May you have a wonderfully half-assed Christmas too, good sir!

      Delete
  3. Fully technicolor hookers, an attribute they should be charging extra for.

    On the topic of custom Christmas cards, I finished this masterpiece today: http://i.imgur.com/pqjN11z.png
    Hindsight tells me I should've made an alternate version with a giant beer bottle so I would've had something to send you guys as well, but I'm just about done with drawing. Have this shitty edit instead: http://i.imgur.com/HMJ3tEy.png

    Happy holidays you guys, here's to an even weirder 2017!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 2016 was already pretty fucking weird... you think 2017 could even come close to topping that?

      Those pictures DEMAND embedding! They truly are masterpieces, worthy of any art gallery, museum, or refrigerator magnet.

      [im]http://i.imgur.com/pqjN11z.png[/im]

      [im]http://i.imgur.com/HMJ3tEy.png[/im]

      Delete
    2. Hey, it's the future, who knows.

      Good embeds yo. (^:

      Delete
  4. I know who I'm hiring next year to do the lights and decorations!
    Merry Christmas, guys.
    Bryan, despite your best efforts, your cat wins the ugly sweater contest.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Merry Christmas! My cat wins everything in this household. Beauty contests, ugly sweater contests, drinking contests. It's not fair. :(

      Delete
  5. Ahhh, but do they come back and take them down too? More of a one and done or a whole she-bang crew?

    Did Gemma actually let that stay around her neck? Orlin would have had a fit haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh and Merry Christmas too to all at your zoo!

      Delete
    2. Gemma thought it was a toy, so she kept wiggling around (thus making the tinsel wiggle around) and nipping at it. Not only did she go the full 10 minutes without trying to get it off, but she was entertained the whole time. It's probably the only time I've ever celebrated her cat ADD.

      Oh, and Merry Christmas to you and your literal zoo as well! May you receive more presents than hairballs/brown surprises beneath your tree.

      Delete
  6. B&B:
    Leave it to you guys to come up with a novel way of getting the decorations and lighting sorted out (?)...
    A marvelous use of available (and often pricey, except on 25 cent beer Tuesdays)labor.
    Hope you chose the ladies WITHOUT stab-wound marks. That "helps to make the season bright"...heh.
    Love that card...dunno WHY, but I just do. Well done.

    Here's wishing all of you a VEERY Merry Christmas (and all the other assorted holidays that follow along.
    (Kwanza was manufactured around 1970 & doesn't really count, right?)

    Behave yourselves, enjoy the holiday (and one another), don't drink too much, don't overeat, never try to swipe a credit/debit card on a stripper's nether-region, watch out for contact highs at other peoples' parties, and above all...
    Stay safe and CLASSY out there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We here at ABFTS are all about job creation. If that isn't a great Christmas, I don't know what is! And I don't know a single person who celebrates Kwanzaa, for as much as it's mentioned. All of my black friends party with black Santa this time of year. Merry Christmas, good sir!

      Delete
  7. Good one. Thanks for always stopping by and ACTUALLY reading my posts (wink wink).

    Merry X-mas fellas!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Merry X-mas, Y-mas, and even have a great Z-mas (that one's on us)!

      Delete
    2. I loved that Y-mas! That Z-mas wasn't bad either. Thanks!

      Delete
  8. One of these days I'm going to take a picture and send it out as a Christmas card. That was a great one by the way. Merry Christmas.

    Had I know I could hire a couple of prostitutes to decorate my apartment, I might...might have lugged out all the decorations and let them have at it. Then again, maybe not. Just the tree this year as I didn't feel like going through 8 boxes of red and green Christmas cheer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hiring prostitutes is a great way to give back to the local community (of prostitutes). Just make sure you hide your jewelry. And crack (if you have any - no judgment).

      Kidding aside, this was my first experience with a Christmas card and it was a blast. Definitely going to try to one-up it next year. You should try one. It's addicting. Oh, and Merry Christmas! We both hope you have a great one.

      Delete
  9. Love the Christmas card! I wonder if anyone else has thought of hiring prostitutes as cheap labour?

    Merry Christmas chaps.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If this takes off, I might just have them back next week to install my new deck.

      Cheers and Merry Christmas, good sir!

      Delete
    2. Cheap? When was the last time YOU hired prostitutes?

      Delete
    3. Nah, see, you can't be looking for those high quality prostitutes that want to charge like $200 an hour. You need to find the ones that are huddled beneath a bridge, sleeping on a cardboard mattress. I just got my house's interior repainted for an 1/8th ounce of weed and a 99 cent value menu cheeseburger.

      Delete
  10. That reminds me of a the joke I heard

    Met a girl on the corner that said she do anything for fifty bucks

    Guess who got their porch re-painted?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! I haven't heard that one, but I love it. Also, I would totally hire prostitutes to paint my porch. They can't be any worse at it than I would.

      Delete
    2. But when I went back to see the job she had done she said, "But you should know it's a Lexus, not a Porch."

      Delete
    3. I thought that was just her name? Or maybe it was Mercedes. Don't ask me why, but they always love to name themselves after cars they can't afford.

      Delete
  11. I don't know what's funnier. The ho-ho-hoes post or your sweater in that Christmas card Bryan! O.M.G. Hysterical. Merry Ho-Mas!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wore that sweater out to Wal-mart on the night that I shot that, and you'd better believe I got some stares. It was pretty awesome. Uh, it's just a man-boob guys, get over yourself. Merry Ho-mas to you, too!

      Delete
  12. Wishing you both a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. To your families as well of course. I was going to include a picture but don't know how.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wishing you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year as well! And if you happen to come back, just paste the link of the picture and I'll embed it for you in a followup comment.

      Delete
  13. Hahahahah what a great pic! Merry Christmas to you guys, your significant others, and most importantly, your cats.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THANK YOU for having the correct priority! Our Christmas will be alright, but the cats' Christmas, you'd better believe it's going to be goddamn magical. We bought them so many toys. Cheers and Merry Christmas to you (especially Kitty) as well!

      Delete
  14. That's a great card. I expect to have kind of a half-assed Christmas.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Most years, I'd call a half-assed Christmas a successful one. May your food be edible and your company be alrightish!

      Delete
  15. Best Christmas card of all time. I'd probably leave that one taped up on my kitchen doorway (where I post the rest of the cards) all year long.

    Hope you guys have a happy Christmas. May your joys (and hoes) be plentiful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This one has a permanent spot on my fridge. Sorry, nephew's drawing of us! This work of art obviously takes precedence! You have an awesome Christmas too, good sir.

      Delete
  16. Have a merry and Blessed Christmas you guys. And don't listen to Bobby G, most modern hos can read chips- you just insert the card.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have a Merry and blessed Christmas, too! One of my wife's favorite things to do when going to the strip club with her friends (female strip club, mind you) was taking all of the change in her purse and inserting it into the stripper's crack.

      Yeah, we share the same twisted sense of humor.

      Delete
  17. Best. Christmas. Card. Ever. It even tops the Cthulhu card one of my author buddies sent me last year. Happy Christmas, guys. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww, to even be in the same conversation as Cthulhu, lord of evil, is incredibly flattering. I'll be real; I'm still not quite at the evil level of Krampus, though. Maybe next year!

      Delete
  18. Nuttin' sez "Christmas" like 3 Hoes, Triple-X(mas) decorations, and 3 images of MacCATver!!! It's literally exactly like 666, only it's 333.

    Tell the truth! You and wifey couldn't afford Christmas cards this year so MacCATver generously allowed you to appear in his. amirite?

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'The King Of Hostility'
    (according to 'The King Of Pomposity')

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up there. That cat is clearly a girl. Can you not tell by the majestic blonde hair? Did you just misgender my cat, bro?

      Christmas. Is. Ruined.

      Delete
    2. Hey, look, man!... Certainly I knew that MacCATver was once a she. But according to Oprah and Michael Obama, MacCATver was now identifying as a he. How was I to know that he had since trans-transgendered back into a she? It's hard to keep up with the... "Ch-Ch-Changes!" ...David Bowie could probably keep up, but an "Everythingphobe" like me cannot!

      I apologize to everyone and everything for my inexcusable Everythingphobia. But if I'm an Everythingphobe, then shouldn't we blame the whole Mainstream system? And if the whole Mainstream system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of everything in general? I put it to you, Bryan, -- isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to me, but I'm not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of Americonned!

      ...I'm sorry. ...What were you saying?

      ~ D-FensDogG
      (But don't assume I'm a dog, you intolerant anti-animal-fluid traditionalists! You bunch of HATERS!! Snowflakes are people, too!!!)

      Delete
    3. I am utterly and entirely lost by that entire comment. Good thing I identify as an idiot. You got any Brawndo? It's what plants and people crave, and I'm 87% sure I'm one of those things I just mentioned.

      Delete
    4. Of course I've got Brawndo! It's got electrolytes.

      ~ D-FensDogG

      Delete
  19. Merry or Happy Whatever Boys :) Rock on, drink much, celebrate your hearts out, and enjoy all the family you can tolerate.

    PS: why can't a girl get away with a cat tit? Just unfair.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A Merry/Happy Whatever to you, too! Girls can get away with Christmas sweater tits, too... I just called it first.

      [im]https://img0.etsystatic.com/048/0/8426535/il_570xN.688013670_cx30.jpg[/im]

      Delete
  20. Hmmm, that Christmas card looks like a propaganda poster from a dystopian future where cats rule the world and they've implemented a eugenics program to breed human scratching posts.

    Also, is that supposed to be a red-nosed Rudolph on your chest, or is that the world's most inflamed nipple? If it's the latter, I'm torn between making a Janet Jackson reference or a joke involving the Seinfeld Christmas card episode. Why oh why have you placed this impossible dilemma at my doorstep?

    Have a jolly ... wardrobe malfunctioning ... Festivus, I guess.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I DO make a great human scratching post, now that you mention it. And that's a reindeer stuck on my moob, as indicated by the googly eyes and the little antlers poking out of the top. It's a super cute way to disguise my disgusting Siamese-twin-growth, who I'm guessing the rest of you all know as Brandon.

      Delete
  21. Happy Birthday boys from rural Ireland!

    ReplyDelete
  22. The only thing more beautiful than your sweater is your cat. I don't know where you find your prostitutes though. Good ones cost more than the lights you'd be paying them to put up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My cat is so photogenic. The wife and I both are incredibly jealous. Also, you're looking for the wrong prostitutes. Just remember; they don't have to be pretty or have teeth in order to hang up some lights.

      Delete
  23. I really like the idea of having hookers over for the holidays. They would certainly liven things up at my house. Don't forget Sanity Clause.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would never forget jolly St. Nick. Instead of leaving milk and cookies I left him Candi. He got an STD, but I got 5 more presents. Must have been worth it.

      Delete
  24. You boys have your priorities, err, umm, *straight* as always. Wishing a wonderful Christmas and New Years to you and your wonderful beards, I mean wives. There's also a Versatile Blogger award for you over at my blog post today (Dec 23).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn "straight"! I feel like I need to make a "versatile" joke now.

      May you have a wonderful Christmas and New Years also!

      Delete
  25. That's a more than acceptable Christmas card - well done, very entertaining. I second Deb's wishes for you and the beards. Have a much more than acceptable Christmas and holiday time. You're appreciated.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is the most acceptable comment we've ever gotten, and for that we thank you and wish you much love and an equally acceptable holiday season.

      Delete
  26. Awesome Christmas card. So I did an image search of "Acceptable Christmas" (great phrase choice by the way) and this was one of the images I found. Seems about right...
    [im]https://az616578.vo.msecnd.net/files/responsive/cover/main/desktop/2015/10/29/635817426650106993808137898_image.imgopt1000x70.jpeg[/im]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Then I Googled "Mildly Acceptable Christmas" and still, more appropriate images. Google knows what's up:
      [im]https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51BHCYIiyuL._SY355_.jpg[/im]

      Delete
    2. Oh, so that's why Christmas magic is now officially dead. Thanks, Garth Brooks.

      I did a Google search for Acceptable Christmas as well and got this. I don't know what it means, but I'm still a little turned on.

      [im]https://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ly2nnoYwR01qam69vo1_500.gif[/im]

      Delete
  27. Merry Christmas, Brandon and Bryan. I'm sure your family and friends appreciated the picture just like we did when we received picture cards of people we swear we'd never heard of. The names didn't even sound familiar. We just assumed they were greetings from strangers who wished they knew us. Back to baking cookies and now my dirty old man husband is suggesting I dress like your house decorators next year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe next year I should just send out 100 of my Christmas cards to completely random people. Let them spend some time trying to figure out which relative I am. I might even land up on a refrigerator or two.

      Also, don't knock the neon colored tube top. It's very comfortable baking attire, or so I tell my wife in the hopes that she'll do the same as your hubby is suggesting (no luck yet).

      Delete
  28. A Christmas wish from the Beer Guys...I wouldn't have expected it any other way.

    Merry Christmas!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For an extra $5 we'll throw in a Happy Kwanzaa.

      ...Maybe we've been hanging out with too many of those prostitutes. Merry Christmas!

      Delete
  29. Wow...if that's cheap labor, the handymen in CO must be rakin' it in!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hit "PUBLISH" too quick...Merry Christmas, gents!

      Delete
    2. Left comment without wishing us a Merry Christmas...
      [im]https://media3.giphy.com/media/GViwP6PqdFFOU/200w.gif#100[/im]

      Delete
    3. (Oh, and Merry Christmas to you too, L.C.)

      Delete
  30. Love the card, it's something I could see myself doing. In fact, one year I kind of did.

    [im]https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1237483752935581&set=a.1065529216797703.1073741830.100000219030702&type=3&theater[/im]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe I'll just try the link.

      https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1237483752935581&set=a.1065529216797703.1073741830.100000219030702&type=3&theater

      Delete
    2. I'm gonna assume you meant this one... right?

      [im]https://scontent.fapa1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/10660327_1237244969626126_7457300491791486054_n.jpg?oh=b03f6d5b8f7954881a57782db662f50c&oe=58F1B5AC[/im]
      (And it was the Merriest Christmas that the Beer Boys ever had, period)

      Delete
    3. Note: We'll happily delete that if you want. We're just being feisty. Also, how the hell did we not add you on Facebook yet?

      Delete
    4. Oh sweet Santa. I knew some of those photos would come back to haunt me.

      (Don't worry about deleting it. I posted it, that means they're public domain now. Feel free to put it on a Denver billboard somewhere)

      Delete
  31. Thanks for the fashion ideas. Picking up my new bf from the airport tomorrow night, I will totally pick up that green costume 😀

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If that one isn't available, I know of another sexy, skin-tight green costume that's sure to get tongues wagging.

      [im]http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view2/3714604/charlie-green-man-o.gif[/im]

      Delete
  32. Your Christmas card moved me to tears. Makes me want to start sending cards again. I'm going to assume your Christmas was spectacular, so I'll just move on to "and a happy New Year!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My Christmas was very acceptable. It was also tolerable, and some might have even considered it ethical. And I mean, really, what more can you ask for? We hope yours was much the same (or, I guess, better). And your New Year, too!

      Delete
  33. your Christmas card is amazing

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not as amazing as your Gryffindor bathrobe, I bet.

      Delete
  34. I had an acceptable Christmas, thank you very much! I hope you all have an acceptable New Year! ;)

    (You're welcome for the review. You had me laughing all the way through the book!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL
      Smart ass womanizing jokes have always been a favorite of mine.

      Delete
    2. Sherry - we hope you have an acceptable New Year, too! May 2017 be tolerable and may it contain an adequate amount of laughs!

      Harlynn - it's only womanizing if we underpay them... which, I guess we do.

      Delete
  35. The lazer cat background is really acceptable.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lasers and cats go together like... well, lasers and cats.

      Delete
  36. Haha - Funniest Christmas card I've seen this year. I hope you had a great Christmas! Cheers to a great New Year!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And next year's is going to be even better! We both hope you have a great New Year, too!

      Delete
  37. Happy New Year, fellas. May it be full of wonderful surprises and truckloads of creativity.

    Blue

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wait, are you trying to tell us to get off our asses and post already? Because dammit, I'm trying! These holidays have been killing me!

      (Oh, and Happy New Year to you, too!)

      Delete
  38. OK SO I'M A WEEK LATE AND MORE THAN. FEW DOLLARS SHORT, NOT SURPRISD ARE YOU? BUT, AT LEAST I DIDN'T MISS OUT ON 'that' CHRISTMAS CARD. NOW INEED TO GO BLEACH MY BRAIN.

    HOPE YOUR CHRISTMS WAS MORE THAN ACCEPTABLE AND YOUR NEW YEAR IS SHINY AND BRIGHT!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's okay, I've been a few dollars short and a few fries short of a Happy Meal my whole life, so no worries. Did someone say bright and shiny? Yay! We hope you had a great New Year, too!

      Delete
  39. Bwahahaha! Best. Christmas card. EVER! LOL. I'm still busting up over that cartoon too. Whew! Thanks for that. I hope you had an amazing holiday season. Good to be back on the blogosphere and to stop missing out on your epicness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, thanks! I guess we can stop milking this whole Christmas thing and put up our new post, huh? Welcome back, and we hope you had an awesome Christmas/New Year, too. Now back to our regularly irregular scheduled program!

      Delete
  40. I'm a day late and many dollars short but I absolutely think "blessed" is the right word for that Christmas card. I mean c'mon, it has cats on it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Blessed" is a really nice way of saying I'm retarded, isn't it? (No disagreement here, mind you)

      Delete
  41. I have always said that Christmas needs a few more lasers. I'm happy to see that someone agrees with me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anyone who says that Santa can't shoot lasers out of his eyes is just in denial.

      Delete