Tuesday, November 15, 2016

What Solving a Crime Will Look Like in 2017











96 comments:

  1. Don't worry when President Pussygraber takes over, crime will drop to 0%. So will unemployment, and God will personally come down to impose a flat tax.

    Make Russia...uhh...America Great Again

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    1. In Communist America, pussy grabs YOU.

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    2. [im]http://purrfectcatbreeds.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/why-does-my-cat-bite-me.jpg[/im]

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  2. You know, I call my niece my niece but I don't know if I am supposed to. On Facebook, she is listed under my family as child of sibling. It's all very confusing to me.

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    1. I've seen people who are genuinely upset that doctors announce at birth "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl!" because "it's the baby's choice, not the doctor's."

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  3. Yep, too many bloody bleeding hearts, like the judge here in Alberta, Canada (our equivalent of Texas) who decided to hide the identity of the perp who was trying to lure a 14 yr old girl. The judge (bleeding heart) said he worried about the vigilantes coming after the guy. (Ahem - oh you mean for justice . . ?) Why should police be concerned with gender, and not offending anyone when the prez of the US naturally offends many of us, American and otherwise. I must concede he knows his market. . .

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    1. Here in Colorado there was a college kid who raped another student and didn't get jail time because, you know, the judge didn't want to mess up his life or anything.

      I don't want to live on this planet anymore. Is Jupiter hiring?

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    2. Probably not, but Mars is getting ready to be settled in a few years. You interested?

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    3. I'd rather have some of that tasty moon cheese, but I guess I wouldn't mind bunking with that Marvin guy as long as I don't make him "very angry, very angry indeed."

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    4. If you really want to go to Jupiter, maybe you could hitch a ride with Cher...

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  4. That really shows how absurd it's getting...

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    1. And it can only get more absurd from here!

      [im]http://i.imgur.com/sB3K9rx.png[/im]

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    2. EXCUSE ME. I clearly need to have a long overdue conversation with Kitty.

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    3. Person: "Kitty, I always thought you were a girl. Tell me, are you a male or a female?"
      Cat: "Meoooow."
      Person, gasping: "Oh my gato, you just said meooow-le! You're a male! I'm so sorry for misgendering you!"

      - some idiot, somewhere, probably

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  5. Oh my. That made me laugh. I certainly think people are free to identify as whatever, and body shaming sucks, but I still had a good laugh over this.

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    1. Thanks! Yeah, people can be whatever they want to be, and there's no need to be a dick about what someone's body looks like, but we just loved the idea of a social justice warrior picking social justice over his own literal justice.

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  6. Wanted: An entity of a nonspecific gender with normal proportions. Do not approach the individual, as sources indicate they may ifentify as a wolf-kin and try to bite you.

    Reward: $50 gift certificate to Whole Foods.

    I don't care what you identify as, as long as you don't identify as no mutha f*ckin snitch.

    Hilarious comic, guys!

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    1. Thanks! I wonder if this will eventually transition over to dating ads, also.

      Wanted: non-gender/non-race specific human being for casual fun.
      "So how was your date last night, Marty?"
      "Eh, it was alright. I was really hoping for a hot chick, but I got a fat dude instead. Can't win 'em all, right?"

      Delete
  7. And some people wonder why I drink... ICKY IPA and anything else I can get my hands on. It's only when I'm drunk out of my mind that this world makes .09% sense to me. (The rest of the time it hovers around .02%)

    But, truthfully, I can't say that I didn't see this coming in the 1980s...

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xmckWVPRaI

    or even earlier...

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTYEOAX3sjM&list=PL37E8DFF2A7F4915D

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Those big angry ladies really give a compelling argument.

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  8. Laugh, but I've felt that way. I called a kid a red head and my son accused me of ginger bashing.

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    1. I've been called racist for pointing out that someone was Mexican (instead of saying Hispanic), despite the fact that the person in question was Mexican, Mexican is not a dirty word, and also I am Mexican.

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  9. And here I thought we were going to have a joke about future technology, but no, politics have to ruin it again. Will anything stay untainted?

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    1. Is this politics? I really don't know. Either way, it's pretty unavoidable, that whole politics thing. I feel like a thought police post might have been just as political, if not more so.

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  10. You just summed it up. This reminds me when the manhole cover was considered discrimination because it should be cover person hole. I just thought why not just call it asshole after the people who took offense to that round thing we drive over everyday. This is signed by the,once thin now could stand to lose a few pounds, blond Canadian with German/Polish heritage who loves anything politically incorrect.

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    1. Over the weekend I was watching a sporting event, and two women had just finished competing and were hugging each other, and the announcer said, "That is a great display of... sports...womanship? I don't know what the word is, but I don't want to piss off the Internet." And it was funny, but it was also sad because he really wasn't kidding about pissing off the Internet over something so stupid.

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  11. I choose to identify as a non-human (it's even in my name: A.Leon), but that one hasn't gained any ground, yet.

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    1. Don't worry, you have supporters.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtH7l-dhHZQ

      Delete
  12. So did they catch the person who did it? This seems like it leaves a lot of unanswered questions.

    I don't believe that "I identify as" stuff works. I went into work a few weeks ago and accidentally had a black male co-worker's security badge, and it did not work to get me into where I was going even though I said I identified as a black male.

    We have a ways to go.

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    1. It was none other than your black co-worker, who tried to get you to cover for him so he could say he was at work at the time of the assault. Ultimately, your white female-ness was his undoing.

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  13. Funny... and kinda sad... cartoon. No doubt, political correctness has gotten out of control, but the prezzzz-elect will put an end to that sort of thing. With his new slant on human interaction unfettered, it'll be "Okay" to call anybody whatever the heck you wanta call 'em, and tell whatever lie you want to tell about them. Truth and Sanity are leaving town with Common Decency.

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    1. Hmm, I wonder which extreme is worse? I can't pick. We will have to decide, though. I mean, I'd suggest picking some common ground in the middle, but we all know that isn't how this country works. Heh heh... heh...

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  14. Your blog always has the most interesting comments and your replies are always so perfect.

    The announcer really couldn't bring himself/herself (gotta be careful not to piss off the Internet) with saying the word sportsmanship. Holy crap, how far we have fallen.

    I love the cartoons especially given the fact the cartoon cop didn't shoot anyone. There would be nothing worse than a cartoon riot where cartoon people are losing their imaginary minds.

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    1. The thing that I love about this site is that we can always count on a funny, thoughtful discussion from people who will never resort to that kind of angry, vitriolic verbal diarrhea that you see in the comment sections of pretty much any other website.

      Frankly, the hipster in me almost wishes that we remain underground enough that we don't have to one day end up weeding through 1,000 comments that consist mostly of "STFU u cucks" and "here's 100 reasons why ur racist!" and "KYS faget"

      (KYS = Internet acronym for 'kill yourself')

      That's me as a cop, btw, so I don't claim to know what I'm doing. I think I shoot him after I make the arrest? Or is that before? Told you I wasn't any good. :(

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  15. Soooooo pathetic with how far it has come. They even have damn microagressions now. Oh, you rolled your eyes at me. That is soooooooooooo offensive. I'll say what I want to say, within reason, if you take offense, pfffft is all you'll get from me.

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    1. Seemingly unpopular opinion: if you live in a country where the absolute worst thing that happened to you in your average day was that someone rolled their eyes at you, then you live in a pretty damn good country. Stop complaining over nothing. There are people on this planet that would kill to live in a paradise like that.

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  16. I think you may need to turn me in right now as a hate filled bigot, but there is no way I am going to twist my back warping reality to avoid offending some confused soul that wants me to help enable their confusion, when a look in any fricking mirror could straighten them out.

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    1. Apparently half of the country (that elected Trump) are all hate filled racist sexist bigots, so at least you'll have plenty of company?

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  17. It's getting pretty stupid isn't it? I was thinking about body shaming today and standing behind two women who I think should be body shamed. Don't these people have any pride?

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    1. Psssh, why take responsibility for your health and beauty when you can just blame everyone else for not accepting it?

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  18. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. It's a good thing we already know that eyewitness accounts are completely unreliable (https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/do-the-eyes-have-it/). Not to shit on the premise. Wait, I shit on the premise then tried to backtrack right now, didn't I? (then I goofed the url of the gif, good grief).
      [im]https://67.media.tumblr.com/a08b39b2145a3108ca10e1965a6b95cb/tumblr_nx8z6gnFOp1s2wio8o1_500.gif[/im]

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    2. I'm not even a real police officer, so that case definitely wouldn't have been solved. And that notepad was just full of dick drawings. See? This premise has so many layers. Or not.

      [im]http://67.media.tumblr.com/f732019156eef601e4247924b624e72f/tumblr_mgfww7hb5S1qzt15oo1_500.gif[/im]

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  19. That was physically painful to read... ><

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    1. I cringed so hard while drawing this that I'm surprised I didn't throw out my back.

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  20. This would be funny if it wasn't a possible glimpse in to the real future!

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  21. You have hit the nail firmly on the head. There is already 'self defined ethnicity' so it's not a massive leap to 'self defined gender'.

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    1. The crazy part, though, is that some people say there are something like 47 genders. Yeah, I tried looking between my legs and seeing if I could figure out 20-something different ways to interpret that, but no dice.

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  22. What do mean "will"? It already does.

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    1. It's already the end of the year, so think of the search traffic for next year, my friend! Think of them! We don't want this post to be irrelevant only a month and a half from now!

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  23. Ain't dat da twut. Thanks for the laugh. I needed it.

    https://youtu.be/tQByeGkJJSc

    Love the guy dancing at the end.

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    1. Ha, that was awesome! Those guys are way too funny for being a buncha Mormons (or maybe I should say a buncha human beings wearing pants).

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  24. When I read the title of the post, I was imagining something much more horrible about 2017. Though that is pretty bad, especially since I know people who are so annoyingly PC like that.
    [im]http://static3.comicvine.com/uploads/scale_small/11/117763/3129481-ohotmu+captain+america+%231+-+page+25.jpg[/im]

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    1. Hmm... is that guy who I think he is? There were so many Putin heads put on Captain Russia!

      Here is a much better Captain! [im]http://www.writeups.org/wp-content/uploads/Captain-Canuck-b.jpg[/im]

      Delete
    2. OMG does he shoot hockey pucks? That would be so awesome!

      Now all we need is an appearance from Captain Mexico.
      [im]http://img09.deviantart.net/6bf2/i/2012/355/0/3/captain_mexico_by_trevinoss97-d5oqopx.jpg[/im]

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  25. So when I look down on a really cold day I might identify as female. I could be a lesbian as I really am attracted to women and since I'm pasty white I may be an albino of a darker race. Summer it changes to something else, but I still prefer women so I must always stay a lesbian. I try not to identify as anything very often as that would be judgemental. Or some other kind of mental.

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    1. I identify as Steve Buscemi, and the so-called "real" Steve Buscemi better watch the fuck out because I'm coming for his poser ass!

      [im]https://pbs.twimg.com/media/ByFENizIEAAHMnQ.png[/im]

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  26. This is brilliant. I shall heretofore identify as a big Black man. Thanks Bryan.

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    1. I too identify as Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

      The uncool one, not the cool one.
      [im]http://randomoverload.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/eef2h879C4148.jpg[/im]

      Delete
  27. RIGHT!?!??!?! It's insanity! Seriously. How is a person supposed to have ANY kind of identity if they can't even define their gender? It drives me crazy. What kind of foundation is that for kids growing up these days? Pretty shoddy, and child abuse to say the least.

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    1. People just throw around the word racist and sexist and bigot so much anymore that it's practically lost all meaning. And it trivializes real prejudice.

      Also, that wasn't funny, so here's a picture of a hamster with a tiny top hat eating a very small piece of cake.
      [im]https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CUlkWbCUcAEUGRc.jpg[/im]

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  28. "Walk On The Wild Side"

    Holly came from Miami, F.L.A.
    Hitch-hiked her way across the U.S.A.
    Plucked her eyebrows on the way
    Shaved her legs and then he was a she
    She says, "Hey, babe,
    Take a walk on the wild side."
    Said, "Hey, honey,
    Take a walk on the wild side."

    Candy came from out on the Island
    In the back room she was everybody's darling
    But she never lost her head
    Even when she was giving head
    She says, "Hey, babe,
    Take a walk on the wild side."
    Said, "Hey, babe,
    Take a walk on the wild side."
    And the colored girls go
    "Doo do doo do doo do do doo..."

    Little Joe never once gave it away
    Everybody had to pay and pay
    A hustle here and a hustle there
    New York City's the place
    Where they said, "Hey, babe,
    Take a walk on the wild side."
    I said, "Hey, Joe,
    Take a walk on the wild side."

    Sugar Plum Fairy came and hit the streets
    Looking for soul food and a place to eat
    Went to the Apollo
    You should've seen them go, go, go
    They said, "Hey, sugar,
    Take a walk on the wild side."
    I said, "Hey, babe,
    Take a walk on the wild side."
    All right, huh

    Jackie is just speeding away
    Thought she was James Dean for a day
    Then I guess she had to crash
    Valium would have helped that bash
    Said, "Hey, babe,
    Take a walk on the wild side."
    I said, "Hey, honey,
    Take a walk on the wild side."
    And the colored girls say,
    "Doo do doo do doo do do doo..."

    Boy Lou Reed was seriously ahead of his time on this one!

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    1. Candy was expressing her sexuality
      In a totally healthy way
      And all the women of color say,
      Whatever strong, independent women want to say

      That was awful.

      Delete
    2. These were real people Lou Reed knew. Holly wrote a book called A Low Life In High Heels that was published by St. Martin's Press when I worked there circa 1992.

      Fact: Real life will always be stranger than fiction.

      Delete
  29. B&B:
    You fellas knocked this one RIGHT out the damn ballpark!
    Guess we're "supposed" to have a wonderfully HOMOGENOUS society from here on out?
    I DON'T THINK SO.
    Can't have BOTH diversity AND ambiguity of the populace...can we?
    (some WILL try, bet on it)

    Pungent social comment IS alive and well with you both.
    (as is the Force)
    Well done.
    Stay safe (and classy) out there, guys.

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    1. Hey now, we can have plenty of diversity! ...It's just racist to point it out?

      Delete
  30. I'm really surprised I haven't heard about this happening yet. I don't think you can commit a crime against people like that though. If you threatened them for their things they'd probaby just hand them over and try and hug you. It would be very uncomfortable.

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    1. But what if the hug was all you really wanted?

      (It probably wasn't)
      [im]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/59/47/ce/5947ce1ae34d7468a5c40489472197ea.jpg[/im]

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  31. LOL. Just yesterday my husband and I were out and about and he whispered a question to me about whether the person beside me was a man or a woman. I'm surprised he didn't just ask. I guess the cops are going to need some PC education as things go on as they are.

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    1. I'm actually glad he didn't. If I ever want to get yelled at mercilessly for an hour straight, I'll just ask an ambiguous looking person "So are you a dude or a chick?"

      Delete
  32. Lucky that victim didn't shout "racist" or "misogynist" or that cop's life would have been over.

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    1. Don't worry, I probably would have just shot him, as per standard cop protocol. He's white, so no one would have cared.

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  33. This made me laugh. Then it made me cry because it's true. The only thing missing was his cellphone and a body camera. Oh and a crowd of people with their cell phones out too.

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    1. Yes, and someone shouting "I'm going to put this on YouTube!" interspersed with someone chanting "Worldstar!"

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  34. WOOOOORLDSTAAAAAR!!!

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  35. I died a little inside as well. Not to mention on the outside.

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    1. "I know you want me to pay my taxes, but now I identify as a dead person, and last time I checked, dead people don't have to pay taxes."

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  36. This is so funny. Even without the whole identifying as stuff, eye witnesses are super unreliable. Abbey has some transgender friends and it confuses me. I just can't relate to that. On a side note I did use the bathroom with a transgender Male to Female. She didn't close the door and was standing to pee. I didn't feel like I was going to be attacked. I just felt that explains all the times I go to the bathroom and there is piss on the seat, and that she had pretty shoes.

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    1. I'm actually incredibly paranoid of the first time I meet and talk to a real transgender person, simply because it's been shoved down our throats NOT to talk about it and NOT to make it weird and I feel like that would only lead to me making it MORE weird by trying to avoid the topic altogether.

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  37. My daddy, who was a cop, BTW, like to say; 'go ahead and assume, you are only going to make and ASS out of U and ME. Yeah, daddy as a real smart ass, too.

    All of this political correctness (which is really only tyranny with manners) has me identifying as the most confused dumb blonde on the planet.

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    1. I also identify as a confused, dumb blonde, despite my natural hair color.

      Delete
  38. Two white dudes. You insensitive, racist bastards.
    Or WERE they white?

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    1. One is Mexican and the other is a quarter Native American, so now you're the racist for assuming.

      Delete
  39. Haven't been on social media or even the internet for weeks because it's consumed with ugliness, fear and hatred. And then I remembered, Beer in the Shower is funny, let's look at that. And then this. A sad, cliched (and oddly boring) distortion of identity politics, fear of political correctness (i.e. politeness). . . just more ugliness. Thanks for taking the time to bring a little more darkness and stupidity into my life.

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    1. Seriously, this topic was played out and only mildly funny when South Park did it years ago with Kyle's dad identifying as a Dolphin. Scrolling through recent posts, it's sad to see Beer in the Shower has become Beer in the Closet.

      Delete
    2. Actually, it's A Beer FOR the Shower, but I wouldn't expect someone with their head that far up their ass to actually remember our name, let alone get the humor.

      So let me get this straight. You got so enraged by this comic that you posted an angry comment, left, came back 40 minutes later, and then commented angrily AGAIN. Dude, I'm gonna go call my mom after this! We've officially made it on the Internet!

      [im]https://media.giphy.com/media/jBI8UR5hZ5vdm/giphy.gif[/im]

      We're sorry (not sorry) that we pissed in your cornflakes this morning, little social justice warrior, and we're sorry (not sorry) that you had to crawl out of your special snowflake safe space bubble just to leave these two angry comments, but we also don't give a fuck if you enjoyed this or not, or if you agreed with it or not. This is our blog and our webcomic, not your happy rainbow safe space. You don't like it? Move the fuck on. We make fun of EVERYTHING here, and we do it without any bit of anger or nastiness. Everything here, especially in the comments, was all laughs and smiles until your dumb ass showed up. And now, ONLY now does the ugliness, and the fear, and the hatred roll in, all thanks to you.

      (If you're too stupid to understand irony:
      The ugliness - you feeling the need to post twice just to shit on our work
      The fear - fear of humor containing an opinion that's different from your own
      The hatred - calling us 'Beer in the Closet' and labeling our work as being bad and 'boring' simply because you don't agree with it)

      So congratulations on contributing directly to the cause, dipshit. And thanks for bringing darkness (your vitriol) and stupidity (read your comments again, pretty self explanatory) into all of our lives.

      Delete
  40. BEER BOYS ~
    He's from San Francisco. So, like, what else ya need to know about him?

    (You'll note that I did NOT say "San FagCrisco". I said, "San Francisco". I COULD have said "San FagCrisco", and sometimes, under certain conditions, I DO say "San FagCrisco". But this time I said "San Francisco" instead of "San FagCrisco" because I'm trying to break the habit of saying "San FagCrisco". I'm attempting to become a kinder, gentler STMcC, and a kinder, gentler person does not say "San FagCrisco". And that's the reason I didn't say it HERE.)

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Whew, that was close! I almost had to add trigger warnings to make this a safe space again. Special snowflakes melt easily if even one single differing opinion pops their personal safety bubble.

      Delete
  41. I like to think we have swung out so far on the PC Ridiculous Scale that we're about to come back in again. Not to a place of hatred and ugliness but honesty framed in kindness. I'd really like to see some of that. It is possible to be honest and kind. (I know it doesn't seem that way because the media has everyone convinced that 50% of the country are racist homophobes, but it just isn't true. We must start thinking critically and loving more. Period.)

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    1. Interestingly, I posted the above without reading any of the other comments and then scrolled up. Holy batshit. Like I said, we need more kindness. It is possible to frame an honest opinion kindly. Pretty much just do the opposite of the guy in the Wooliverse and you'll be good!

      For the record, your comic was hilarious and relevant as hell given the insanity that has taken over.

      Carry on.

      Delete
    2. Your unknowing but highly relevant premonitions never fail to amaze.

      We DO need more kindness in the world, and I'll glad you got the idea here, that you CAN be kind while pointing out someone's appearance. Race or gender or different body types aren't dirty words. It's all about intent, and being wrong about someone's race or gender isn't the end of the world, so long as the person in question is being nice about it.

      Delete
    3. That wasn't very funny, so here's a GIF of an anteater doing kung fu.

      [im]https://media.giphy.com/media/E8GWazqt84V1u/giphy.gif[/im]

      Delete