Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Alpha Fail












100 comments:

  1. Oh yeah. I've known a couple of those types of guys. I call them man pigs. lol

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    1. Not to be confused with the mythical Manbearpig, I assume.

      [im]http://res.cloudinary.com/urbandictionary/image/upload/a_exif,c_fit,h_200,w_200/v1393924399/z1owghrldyg5o6huhzvf.jpg[/im]

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  2. And this is why when I go to parties, I talk to the host's pet. I don't care if it's just fish.

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    1. Absolutely! Whenever I am at a party, this is always me.

      [im]https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wdPD9rRr1ns/VuGase7NfhI/AAAAAAAAAbo/CicWFQgQO0w/s1600/How%2527s-it-going.jpg[/im]

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  3. BOHEMIA? Not to be *"that"* guy but... you boys ain't queering out on me now, are ya? What's next, Corona? And then Schaefer? Natural Lite? Then sodee pop, and DIET sodee pop?

    Seriously, craft beer cannot be called "gay". Yeah. 9.00 ABV, 120 IBU. ...NOT "gay"! I saw one like that last weekend at High Sierra Brewing. Skeered me.

    I decided to just wait another week or two for Great Basin's 'HARVEST Ale' ("This rich and malty brew is accented with the delicate flavor of buttery piñon pine nuts and aromatic juniper berry and sage.") And it comes in at a comfortable 5.7 ABV, so as not to scare the pu55ies like me.

    ~ D'plorable D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Yeah, I think that's the funniest part of the douche-bro that hates on craft beer - you enjoy your 3.3% ABV pisswater, dude. I'm going to slam this 10% ABV IPA and feel like I just got in a fight with the floor.

      And hey, have a little mercy on a guy who's been sick out of his mind for the past almost 2 weeks. Not only can I barely taste anything as it is, but I couldn't drag my carcass out of the door to the liquor store, so I took one of the wife's beers. When faced with lame beer and no beer, the winner will always be lame beer (in my books).

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    2. OK, excuse accepted, and "Queering-out" suspicion retracted.

      Yer wife's beer? Well, why didn't you say so to begin with? It would have prevented my cold sweat consternation.

      Your book is right. As Pooh used to say, the only beers he wouldn't drink were Near Beer and No Beer.

      ~ D-FensDogG

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  4. Rude and crude dudes. Inflated with an outsized amount of self-worth. You're not a man unless you drink yourself stupid? That will be the guys looking for liver transplants later in life if they make it that far. I call it Cave Man culture. That's a weird combo: man-pig-bear, probably wouldn't make very good BBQ.

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    1. That makes me wonder, if a manbearpig bastes in alcohol for roughly 37 years, does that make the meat more tender or just ruin it because his internal organs are practically shutting down?

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    2. I think that's a question for a chef, but remember you do have to gut something before you eat it and most times (except Cave Man culture) we don't eat the internal organs. They absorb most of the toxins. I'm just guessing here. . .

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  5. Fortunately, I only have to deal with that person at work, the one time he is mostly sober.
    And most craft beer has a higher alcohol content than popular beers.

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    1. I was going to ask how he even managed to work, but then I remembered that functioning alcoholics are a thing. And if he's just drinking low ABV pisswater, he can't be THAT drunk. Unless he's totally a lightweight, bro.

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  6. Oh, a brobot. Yeah, unfortunately my boss is one of these guys. We had a company party and everyone was drinking light stuff because, you know, no one wants to get drunk with coworkers, yet there's my boss in the corner, drinking whiskey on the rocks and bragging about driving drunk. I'm sure he's a great father though.

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    1. We're learning so many new awesome terms from this post. Brobot - that's going in the vocabulary.

      And hey, driving drunk is just like driving on hard mode in some kind of fucked up video game. It's an accomplishment. "I'm pretty much undefeated at not veering off the road and killing an entire family."

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  7. Even your walls have a level of detail now. Is that texture on the walls?

    This place is getting fancy.

    And when I say fancy, I mean as fancy as it's possible to get while still telling jokes about a homophobic drunk guy.

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    1. If you call smearing paint 'texture'. That's also what my walls look like at home. In a pinch, hands work as great substitutes for paint rollers.

      And if you think this was impressive, wait till you see the texture on next week's dick jokes. OFF. THE. CHARTS.

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  8. Wouldn't last two minutes at an Irish wake!

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    1. He'd probably need his own wake after that third minute passed and he succumbed to alcohol poisoning.

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  9. Um, I don't know that guy. At least not in "real life."
    But, then, I don't know that many people in "real life."

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    1. "Real life" is the worst, so you're better off not knowing him. I've wandered out into "real life" way more than I'd care to, and I'm not really any richer or happier for doing so.

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  10. Actually, I don't intimately know people like this. My brest friend (leaving that typo in) is sort of on the "hah that's gay" parade, but that's about the worst of it. He also drinks his whiskey straight, but so do I, and we don't brag about it (and are perfectly cool with people not liking straight whiskey, especially the spicy stuff, it's something you need to learn to appreciate (still all about that taste though) (y'all really hate whiskey, don't you? (^: )) so we should still be in the clear.
    Shit did I just get trigger'd by a aBftS comic? Oof.

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    1. TRIGGERED
      [im]https://media0.giphy.com/media/kRgj0fQLxhVoA/200.gif#8[/im]

      This is probably all more of an American thing, so... I'm not surprised to hear you don't intimately know someone like this. And nope, we don't hate whiskey, we're just mocking the kinds of people that act like wanting to add extra flavor to something somehow makes it bad.

      Sometimes, when I'm feeling extra rebellious, I add a spoonful of caramel-cookie flavored creamer to my black coffee.

      DOUBLE TRIGGERED

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    2. "This is probably all more of an American thing"
      Travel guides and whatnot are telling me America isn't just the 'Murrica you see in movies and comedy shows/the news, and that there's a proud and varied culture to be experienced.
      And then whenever I read Americans talking about Americans it's degeneracy all the way down. I'll just play it safe and stick to my silent nature walks.

      But that's the thing about black coffee, the bitterness goes really well with sweet flavor highlights. Also whiskey. I rarely drink coffee and I'm not the biggest fan, but Irish Coffee just has the best of both worlds.

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    3. Just remember two very important things.

      1) The US has many kind-hearted, intelligent, well spoken, contributing members of society that aren't anything like the ridiculous stereotypes you often see.
      2) Stereotypes are still stereotypes for a reason.

      [im]https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B804RRPIUAIphQt.jpg[/im]

      Also, I have to restrain myself from Irish Coffee, otherwise I might be a caffeine-addicted functioning alcoholic.

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    4. Oh most definitely. I may have missed a sarcastic smiley-face at the end of my first paragraph there. They're universally true points though, and their effect plays part in something I try to stick to: respectable until proven otherwise. The world starts falling apart if we set the default assumption to negative, after all.

      (Also, geez, learn how to embed images into your own comments section, this is getting embarrassing!)

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    5. Hey, all images look pretty embedded over on this side. What, are you trying to access this site from a mobile device like some kind of n00b?

      [im]https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-RJ3_-il7QjU/VMsKY3UpWBI/AAAAAAAAMYk/QGAHuPiwCFw/w426-h329/IMG_20141220_235053.jpg[/im]
      ^ my rig

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  11. Oh God-I had relatives like this but their drink of choice was whiskey...at 9am. They felt great...until they died of cirrhosis of the liver. The one was so classy (since the one brother was already dead) that he was drunk at my dad's funeral.

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    1. "RIP Cousin Ricky
      He died doing what he loved:
      drinking himself into an early grave."

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  12. Yeah, my guy got black out drunk, killed someone in an accident, did about a year and rich in-laws family lawyer got him out so he could start drinking again.

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    1. "Killing someone has REALLY put a damper on my client's ability to drive drunk. Like, he can't do that when he's in jail. It's really unfair to him."

      I can practically hear a lawyer say that, while still somehow managing to sleep at night.

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  13. Uggg, just recently met a guy I went to high school with. He has a three year old daughter now, heart trouble and his jobless, but what did he brag about? His ability to drink. Oh he had such a great time drinking the other night. It was so great. Such a great wednesday. Pffffft and he wonders why he has such things wrong with him. Poor kid doesn't stand a chance.

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    1. "Yesterday night I drank liquid that is poisonous to my body and reacted in a way that was stronger than others who drank the same amount of poison. Aren't I cool?"

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  14. I don't personally know anyone like this, but I sure have heard a lot about them. They're not the kind of people I hang around. And I don't go to parties, so I don't run the risk of encountering this creature.

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    1. We don't go to parties either, but as you can see, they often just come to us. I mean, if a douche-bro isn't seen and heard, does he really exist?

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  15. Didja hafeta "out" me on your site?

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    1. The first step is admitting you have a problem, broseph.

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  16. I have met men that border on that but I suspect they don't pull out their "all bro show" around the ladies because they are too busy trying to look suave. Both men and women look pathetic when they try too hard to look cool.

    Love that triggered cat video...hilarious!

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    1. Surprisingly, douche-bros act even MORE like douche-bros around women because it gets them laid. They may not be quality women, but are douche-bros ever about quality anything?

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    2. Really that is how out of touch I am that any woman would find the "douche-bro" attractive. BUT I have met their counter part the "skank-ho" and it makes me ashamed of (some) of my gender.

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    3. And douche-bros are our great shame. Men and women really have more in common than some might think.

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  17. Hmm, I think that guy might have a drinking problem.

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    1. Oh, it's no problem. He's got it quite figured out, actually.

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  18. Well, his shorts WERE a little gay.
    Not that there's anything wrong with that.

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    1. I think it's very tolerant for a straight man to wear a gay pair of shorts.

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  19. Especially since I have khaki shorts.

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    1. Gayness is directly correlated to the length of said khaki shorts. See below as example of 'super mega gay.'

      [im]http://img.minq.com/slides/3/3/5/3/5/1/3353513900/53c5268e7e0d2ce302e498d1f69ab762ff3343f2.jpeg[/im]

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  20. Ha, I don't know anyone like...Oh god, I AM that person! Not true, I'm ashamed of everything about me.
    Actual picture of me:
    [im]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/6a/02/95/6a0295f3bdc1592abd2dc43a41fd7a5b.jpg[/im]

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    1. At least you still have a youthful shape.
      Me:
      [im]http://www.mysabah.com/images/2012/20120405_4.jpg[/im]

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  21. Oy, if only I knew "a" (i.e., one) guy like that. Every man around here is that guy. And when I tell them that I don't drink or smoke pot, they are utterly confused and no longer interested in dating me - which, of course, works for me. But the fact that men in their 40s, 50s and beyond can't conceive of a non-alocholic, drugfree lifestyle - not so good.

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    1. PS These are the pickins in my town:
      [im]http://www.corvetteforum.com/forums/attachments/politics-religion-and-controversy/47690133d1328344007-one-alcoholic-two-potheads-three-horny-dogs-sitting-on-the-deck-of-a-trailer-house-olddudesposter.jpg[/im]

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    2. Hmmm, that website isn't loading at the moment. It's like the men were so bad they broke the entire website.

      [im]https://img.ifcdn.com/images/a23842e370b438947bccb15e979583de87a06e2f8676f5c3e48b0dfe623292d9_1.jpg[/im]

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  22. I knew a couple guys like that... past tense. I sure hope they've outgrown that kind of behavior by now. (And they always thought they were irresistible to women, too.)

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    1. Some of those guys, the only thing they outgrow is their size small t-shirt (but they still shoehorn themselves in, somehow).

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  23. I hate people like that. If you're worried everything is "too gay" when it's really not then you have some kind of behavior issues that need therapy. The only person who can live a life of being 100% manly is Macho-Man Randy Savage


    OOOOHHH-YEEAAH!!!!

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    1. If there's anything straighter than an oiled up muscle man in a neon pink speedo snapping into a Slim Jim, I have yet to see it.

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  24. Replies
    1. And we're pretty sure if and when he touched a boob, he fist bumped his brosephs until his knuckles bled.

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  25. Oh yeah. He's the one that causes our face to wrinkle as we back away. And let's not leave out the idiot women out there.

    [img]http://img2.izismile.com/img/img6/20130520/640/hilarious_drunk_and_wasted_people_part_17_640_48.jpg [/img]

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    1. Here, let's get that posted, because that's a hilariously disturbing picture. The tag is just im, not img.

      [im]http://img2.izismile.com/img/img6/20130520/640/hilarious_drunk_and_wasted_people_part_17_640_48.jpg [/im]

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  26. Not only do I know this guy, I think I've met his whole entire family at one time or another. Good job, guys :)

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    1. That makes sense, since they often travel in packs. You can tell they're coming, too, because the blood alcohol level of everyone in the room will raise as you detect the faintest hint of Axe body spray.

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  27. I'm just wondering why beardy dude had a tampon in his pocket to stuff in the coffee? Might have been a gal on her way to Lilith Fair. Just sayin' don't judge too hastily.

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    1. Oh no, you had to go and open an entire other can of worms, didn't you?

      "DID YOU JUST MISGENDER ME, BRO?"

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  28. Okay. Did you wander into my husband's family reunion? I know entire counties of people like that.

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    1. They do seem to rove in packs. Being drunk alone is just sad, but being drunk with your entire family is... somehow less sad?

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  29. B&B:
    Let's say I USED to know a guy like that...
    (don't have time for such nutjobs)
    Knew (but NEVER dated) a couple women who went well with that Neanderthal behavior, because we know they came in both sexes (and in some rare cases, STILL DO)
    (damn knuckle-draggers...pass that micro-brew and where's my hazelnut creamer for the coffee?)
    Well said.

    Stay safe out there, guys.

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    1. Oh yeah, sadly, those guys have to breed somehow. Usually it's via the female equivalent... and her sister. And her cousin. He gets around.

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  30. LOL!!! It's true. Actually, the person I know isn't that obnoxious, or maybe she is...but man, get her drinking and she's the loudest, most unnerving person I've met. When she's sober, she's better than the world. It makes you wonder what goes on in a person's life that leads them to becoming what they are.

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    1. "Mommy never really hugged me enough, so I guess I should probably drink Jagermeister until the police are called."

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  31. Giant gaping FEMALE vaginas? Only female, huh?

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    1. I'm just really glad someone noticed that. Yes, douche-bros always have to specify you're a female, to somehow be extra degrading. You aren't even manly enough to be considered a male vagina, bro! ...Whatever that is.

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  32. We were literally just talking about this at work this morning. Literally. (I know how you just love that word). Specifically the way people are about their beer and coffee nowadays. What happened to people? My hope is that my daughter's generation is the one to change it because she tells me how much they mock people like that. I can only hope.

    PS: Be prepared for an email tomorrow. A long email tomorrow. Literally.

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    1. I sure hope your daughter's generation fixes it because our generation is literally doing nothing about this. Literally.

      P.S. I literally cannot wait, nor can I even.

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  33. I know that guy except he likes to drink alcopops and sambuca. He also like to talk about fights he's had and football.

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    1. "I once had a fistfight with an alcopop mascot in the end zone. It was the highlight of my life." - that guy, probably

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  34. Yep. Shortly after I quit drinking I was at an event where one of these guys was. When I saw him I tried to shake his hand, but he just stared at me and said "Have a beer you woman," before walking off.

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    1. "But women drink too, jackass. Also, I love women. You just called me something I love. Why would that be an insult?"
      I don't think he entirely figured that whole thing out before saying it.

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  35. I know a guy like that and he even had a cute, state-issued, ankle bracelet like your guy. I would never let him in, though. Drinking excessively is a real macho thing to do and since a liver can be transplanted now I would just pass him another "beer".

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    1. "My body is so hardcore that it just DEE-stroyed another liver. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's how the science works."

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  36. I've KNOWN guys like that. I don't continue to deal with them because I don't have the patience for their frail masculinity.

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    1. Underneath it all, their masculinity is about as strong as their calf muscles.

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  37. This is why none of my family is invited to any of my parties. All those people are related to me.

    Wino's are a lot less dramatic than beer drinkers, ya know.

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    1. Yeah, why is that, anyway? Winos: the classiest of the alcoholics.

      "I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like dude, you have to wait." - Mitch Hedberg

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  38. Man, I am moving in the wrong circles. I don't know any alpha dweebs like that manly-man.

    Father Nature's Corner

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    1. Sometimes those circles just come to you. Count yourself lucky.

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  39. The ankle bracelet was a nice touch. I've forgotten what the hell they're called but I imagine criminals would be a lot less eager to end up with one if that's what you called them.

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    1. It's an ankle monitor. But it could be an ankle bracelet with the right accessorizing. Like, I wonder if Lindsay Lohan's ankle bracelet sported 24 karat gold?

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  40. Everybody used to know a guy like that but then we got out of Jr. High. YIKES! I really thought all that bragging about how much you could, would and should drink ended in the 8th grade. Guess not, or maybe he's 50something and still in the 9th grade. Yep, that sounds about right.

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    1. I don't know what kind of hardcore badass-land you came from, but we don't know anyone who drank like that in 8th grade. 8th grade was 'let's get into dad's liquor cabinet - ewww this is kinda gross.' It definitely was not 'Man, I'm up to 12 drinks a night just to get to sleep. I need to reevaluate my life choices.'

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  41. Ha! Weirdly, I dont think I know a guy like that?!? It's only because I dont get out a lot. If we're talking cat personalities, I got ya covered.

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    1. Are there douchebags in the cat world? I feel like I smother my cat enough that I don't allow her to become a douchebag.

      Crap... maybe I'M the douchebag in that relationship...

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  42. I like it when I go to one of those craft beer places where they tell the alcohol content of each brew so I can order the strongest one. It all basically tastes like crap to me so if I'm going to drink the stuff I want the one that rewards me with the biggest buzz. Besides I usually only order one beer in those places, not because I'm gay, but because I'm cheap. If you're paying then I'll drink 'em until I'm wasted.

    Arlee Bird
    Tossing It Out

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    1. The only thing that sucks is when you ask for a beer with, say, 10% ABV in it, and they have to bring it to you in this little teeny tiny glass so you don't get wasted on your first beer. Hi, I'm cheap, do you not understand the point of drinking, Mr. Bartender? If 1 beer can get me there vs 3, I'm gonna take the 1.

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  43. So much has changed in Bloggerville. Just poppin in to say hi.

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    1. Yeah, I think the craziest part was when Brandon got a sex change and Bryan gained 437 lbs. What a year it's been!

      Hey to you, too!

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  44. I hope this finds you and yours doing well. May we display your header on our new site directory? As it is now, the site title (linked back to its home page) is listed, and we think displaying the header will attract more attention. In any event, we hope you will come by and see what is going on at SiteHoundSniffs.com.

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    1. Let me ask our legal representation. Alright, they say it's okay. Also, we're our own legal representation.

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    2. Thank you so very much for giving permission. You can see your linked header under All and Comics. If you could say something (preferably good) about SiteHoundSniffs.com here and there, I would greatly appreciate it.

      P.S.: I failed to find the country of origin. So, if you would tell me what country that is, I will list it.

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    3. We're located just off the coast of Mozambique.

      Nah, actually we're in the U.S. Thanks again!

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    4. Thanks! The linked header for A Beer for the Shower can now found also under the United States. Quite frankly, I would not blame you for not wanting to disclose that. With President Trump in control, it may be a good time to start drinking heavily again. Hey, I really was bulletproof back then!

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