Tuesday, November 22, 2016

#19 - I Hear They Serve Turkey In Hell



Sorry we took your land, so let's eat dry, unflavored food until our insides rupture... as yearly punishment!

Or... at least we think that's why we celebrate Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate it! If you don't... count your taste buds and your waistlines lucky.


97 comments:

  1. Or as the J witnesses call it, eat turkey randomly around your family for no reason day

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hear every year on the day that they're born they eat a random cake just because that seemed like a good thing to do that day.

      Delete
  2. Of all of the random holiday traditions celebrated in the West, Thanksgiving has got to be in the top ten. Maybe the top five, even.

    I've never really understood the whole Easter Bunny thing, and it's a little stranger than Thanksgiving turkeys, if you think about it. Thanksgiving could catch up if the Thanksgiving Turkey gave children some sort of presents. That would be weird. You could go sit on the Thanksgiving Turkey's lap and ask for something to be thankful for.

    I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, but I'm pretty sure if I keep going, this idea is going to end up making me rich.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Okay children, now reach into the turkey and pull out your Thanksgiving present! ...Awww, Timmy, you just got gizzards. That means you were a bad little gobble, so says the Thanksgiving Turkey."

      I love this new holiday already.

      Delete
    2. Nazzy is definitely on to something here.

      Delete
  3. Buuuurrrrrp! I'm still digesting the holiday meal from Canadian Thanksgiving six weeks ago!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm, you guys didn't evict any natives (that I know of) to get where you are now. Why all the unflavored gluttony? I thought that was just our burden to bear.

      Delete
    2. Our Thanksgiving is based more on the general European tradition of harvest festivals, it's true but don't worry -- we treated our indigenous people pretty horribly too over the centuries and have much to atone for as well.

      Delete
    3. If even the polite Canadians can still be dicks to the indigenous people, then is there no hope for humanity?

      Delete
    4. Harvest festival, where children take tins of food from the back of parents' cupboards and take them to church for the needy!

      Delete
    5. "This is probably expired, and I was just going to throw it away anyway. I'd like you to have it."
      The homeless: "Uh... thanks...?"

      Delete
  4. Apologies? Nah, I'll be dining on the delicious irony of the state sponsored attacks--or even at its most mundane described as, "militarized riot control measures," used to dissuade the many Native American protestors advocating for clean drinking water against a massive corporate interest. Num num num num. Eminent domain, nom nom treaties be damned, slurp, tasty.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This just made me sad. My guilt-turkey tastes like tears.

      Delete
  5. I thought all the money we were losing at Indian...er....Native American casinos was our reparation....

    Happy T-Day, gentlemen!

    Larry

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True story: whenever I go to the casinos I just sit at the penny machines long enough to snag a free craft beer or two. Then I go stuff myself full of crab legs at the $9.99 all you can eat buffet. And last time I went, I somehow won the penny machine jackpot (only $42, but still).

      I only continue to take from these people. I'm an asshole.

      You have an awesome T-day, too, Larry!

      Delete
  6. Obviously, you have never had turkey that I cooked.
    Not that the punishment thing isn't justified.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is the secret ingredient love? Because I tried that and my turkey still turns out drier than a Popeye's biscuit.

      For the record, if I had to eat dry turkey for every bad thing I did, it would turn into a daily meal plan.

      Delete
  7. That neon pink dog food brings back sweet memories. My beloved mother didn't even bother to mash it up. The lines around it were still there; she cranked that can-opener and flipped it upside down into a bowl. Actually, your artwork makes it appear more appetizing.

    Happy Thanksgiving, guys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Believe it or not, I actually know people that have eaten the real, homemade cranberry sauce and STILL prefer the canned dog food variety. Maybe they're part Schnauzer? My dogs just love that canned shape jiggle.

      Delete
  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The other one took up too much room, and this is better.
      [im]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jluh1jZ8QkI/UpUcVjbIQ8I/AAAAAAAACHA/Uiv9L5mmaxA/s1600/MjAxMy04OGFhNGY2ZDc2ODIzYTVj.png[/im]

      Delete
    2. [im]http://i.imgur.com/nEQKBQb.jpg[/im]

      Delete
  9. Never in my life have I eaten a turkey. But then, never in my life have I supported a nation who did back things to native populations... oh wait, I live in the Netherlands. Heh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Imagine the worst boiled chicken you've ever had. Turkey is just slightly worse than that. You're not missing anything.

      Delete
  10. Takes me back to my days in the catering trade, I was responsible for the steaming of hundreds maybe thousands of turkeys, I still don't like turkey!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "How should we cook thousands of dry turkeys that already have no flavor to begin with?"
      "I know, let's steam them!"
      You poor bastard.

      Delete
  11. As you know, I've been a vegetarian since late 1985. Every year at Thanksgiving, someone will express how sorry they feel for me that I won't be able to eat any turkey.

    Ha! I ain't missin' a thing. Gimme that stuffing, the mashed potatoes, two slices of pumpkin pie, and I'll wash it all down with beer!

    Huh? Oh, that bone-dry animal muscle? Nope. Didn't miss it.

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

    POSTSCRIPT: Not a fan of cranberries, neither fresh or canned. Which leaves room for a third slice of pumpkin pie... or a 6th beer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As someone who's been a meatatarian since late 1983, turkey wouldn't even be in my top 100 of meats I'd miss if it was gone forever. Sure, I might feel sorry that you can't experience the bliss of a beautifully seasoned and perfectly cooked ribeye steak, but lamenting turkey is like saying, "Man, I cannot believe you aren't able to eat this boiled chicken. You really are missing out."

      Pass the pumpkin pie, and pass the beer, but just don't pass me any pumpkin beer. Blegh.

      Delete
  12. But didn't the indians cross from some other land and steal the land first from the wildlife? And now as a prize you are eating the wildlife. Hmmm something a bit off there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And the wildlife stole everything from the land itself. Just sitting there, eating all of the foliage. Those assholes eat beautiful landscapes! The revenge is very much justified.

      Delete
  13. Obviously, you don't know how to cook the stuff...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really don't. Is the secret throwing the turkey in the trash and cooking some bacon instead? Because I can do that.

      Delete
  14. Well of course, I don't celebrate Thanksgiving in November anyway. If you want a good cranberry sauce, go to My Life in Retirement. I have a link to it in tomorrow's blog. Sounds great.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's nothing to stop you from celebrating in spirit. Who doesn't love a free day of gorging themselves for no reason? I am a fan of anything that doesn't look like wet dog food, so I'll check it out!

      Delete
  15. Roast the turkey upside down, then it doesn't dry out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I couldn't figure out how to do that, so I turned my oven upside down and now my house is on fire. Help?

      Delete
    2. Try to make it look like an accident. Collect the insurance.

      Delete
  16. I'm pretty sure we unintentionally celebrate the genocide of indigenous people in the U.S. by eating these "traditional" foods. While it is somewhat related to the harvest season (you can harvest a turkey anytime) the foods can be quite tasty if properly prepared and seasoned. They get even better with lots of the appropriate beverage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't see any way in which sliding jellied cranberry out of a can could be considered harvesting, but I don't claim to understand the holiday. I do understand drinking, though. That makes anything better, even dry turkey.

      Delete
    2. You have to slog in the cranberry bog and not eat crap-in-a-can, but we also spatchcocked (that doesn't mean what you think it does)the turkey so it only takes 45 minutes to cook. It doesn't have a chance to turn into totally tasteless cardboard.

      Delete
    3. I told my wife we need to slog the bog and possibly spatchcock and she just slapped me. I don't understand this holiday.

      Delete
  17. In BC and further north, remains of First Nations/Native Indians were found that were thousands of years old. This indicates that the guys we shoved aside and grouped in undesirable locations had been here much longer than previously thought. The original colonists were not much better than the Conquistadores in Central America and other points further south. Buffalo were killed by the big train companies in Canada as well, so the natives would have nothing to eat.
    And you think eating poorly prepared turkey fixes that? What about self-flagellation, think that might work? (If you want a moist turkey, you must put something with moisture in the cavity where the stuffing goes. IF not stuffing which I detest when it's cooked inside the bird, put in celery, onion and a slice of some citrus fruit. It works.) Maybe it's time for a change - I knew DT reminded me of something, but we won't go there. . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow. I guess we're all dicks, even the kindhearted Canadians. Humans are the worst.

      I've tried stuffing a turkey with oranges and onions, and while the taste was okay, it wasn't exactly succulent. Just like a decently cooked chicken. I just don't think turkey is something I really care for. Besides, look at how angry and stupid they look. This doesn't look like a delicious animal to me. It looks like a demon with random testicles on its face.

      [im]https://c1.staticflickr.com/9/8005/7608326348_a2b8a38d9e_z.jpg[/im]

      Delete
  18. Turkey meat can be good if done correctly and not the Griswold way:) Turkeys are pretty ornery and can peck at you...I know, I was chased by 3 until I turned around and yelled, then i watched them scurry and run. I am one who does eat Cranberry sauce and it has to be out of that can and I must see the rings of the can. I'll take that any day over pumpkin pie. I think Thanksgiving is just an excuse for Black Friday where everyone has their brains up their ass and become total zombie morons looking for a so called deal. They are trying this crap up in Canadaland but, so far, it has not taken off.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, turkeys just look like huge assholes. I bet they sabotage their own meat out of anger, just to make it taste worse, as one last act of vengeance before they die. It's a shame we kill them. They sound like they'd make perfect Black Friday shoppers.

      Delete
  19. We have enough turkeys coming to my house tomorrow that none need to be served with gravy ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope you greet them all appropriately.

      [im]https://scontent.fapa1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15192514_10211571360347616_9026720672320682206_n.jpg?oh=114a346b1524ce57ebd4915c8973e6da&oe=58C282CE[/im]

      Delete
  20. I'm thinking that you guys need to find a better cook to fix your feast. You're welcome to come over to our house if you don't mind the drive. Even Boston Market has a not too bad turkey dinner for a fair price.

    By the way, I'll be fixing my oyster dressing as my family tradition calls for. I'm the only one who will eat it in my house so there's plenty for guests.

    Arlee Bird
    Tossing It Out

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We probably do. I've had Thanksgiving turkey prepared by a multitude of people with a wide variety of great cooking skills and still have never been overwhelmed. More like underwhelmed.

      I'd give that oyster dressing a try, though. To a seafood junkie like me, that sounds like a perfect turkey substitute.

      Delete
  21. You must not be very good cooks. You'd die from the delight of my melt-in-your mouth butterhorn rolls. I cook a mean turkey, too, but I feel guilty about it so this year there will be no turkey cooked in this house. If you do want a flavorful turkey and choose to prepare one, put the turkey in a Reynold's oven cooking bag and cover the hell out of the turkey with bacon. Of course, the bacon is another no-no because I feel sorry for pigs. But that's the way to get a great turkey. Happy Thanksgiving!

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel sorry for pigs up until the point that I shove 20 lbs of their body into my face. Bacon makes EVERYTHING better. Of all the suggestions, I think I like yours the most so far. Because you clearly rock as a cook, but also bacon.

      As Jim Gaffigan once said, the pig is a magical creature because it takes an item like an apple - essentially garbage - and turns it into bacon. That's magic.

      [im]http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/masonry/000/117/814/are-you-wizard.jpg[/im]

      Delete
  22. When I was in school, assemblies would start with the principal acknowledging that we were "...on the traditional land of the Kaurna people (the local Aboriginal tribe)." I saw that as a pointless gesture. We took their country from them and now we're standing there thanking them for it. It's like stealing someone's car and mentioning the original owner whenever you drive it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not only did we take their land, but right now we're trampling all over their bones, which are buried beneath us!

      For the record, this is exactly why Indian burial grounds are haunted as fuck.

      Delete
  23. I don't eat turkey, but I find the food tasty and good. Tomorrow, I'm actually making muscles for the first time as part of my meal. We'll see how that goes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tomorrow I'm going to walk into dinner with a ripped up sleeveless shirt because I am ALSO serving muscles. Ohhhh yeah!

      (Good luck, though. I'm a whore for seafood, so I'm salivating just at the thought)

      Delete
  24. You need to shoot a wild turkey and cook it with butter and honey stuffed under the skin. You clearly aren't giving yourself entirely to the holiday.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Last time I went hiking I saw a pack of wild turkeys running around, and am still kicking myself that I didn't run after one, pounce on it, and strangle its tiny, easily breakable neck. I hear that this actually releases the flavor, kind of like those neon-colored glow sticks kids used to buy.

      Delete
  25. B&B:
    Thanksgiving is many things, that's for sure.
    As for "tasteless"???
    NOT IN OUR HOME!!!
    Boxed wine???
    NOT IN OUR HOME!!!
    But I WILL grant you that today's paper was enough to give 'ya a damn HERNIA...
    ALL those friggin ads for stores I won't bother going to while all the idiots fight for parking spaces, and shop till THEY drop.
    Hey, there's an idea for tomorrow...go to a mall, set up a tailgate party and watch the crazies...LOL.

    In any event, you folks have a great Thanksgiving, in the nature for which it really represents.

    Stay safe (and no boxed wine) out there, guys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So... Thanksgiving at your place next year? If I'm going to gain 12 lbs I might as well enjoy it. Besides, I need plenty of energy if I'm going to be elbowing and tackling old ladies for the last kinda cheap flat screen TV.

      Delete
  26. No turkey for me until Christmas. I finally had cranberry sauce a few Christmasses ago and it's pretty nice but yeah, it could be packaged much better. If there is a sportsball game on today then don't forget that you have to sit through that as part of your yearly punishment.

    Nah but seriously eat, drink, and be merry and all that jazz. Have a happy thanksgiving guys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! And you're right, I definitely forgot about the sportsball game! And it's never our team, either. It's always some consistently crappy team, so everyone just gathers around and watches this crappy team fumble itself to a loss.

      Delete
  27. I'm celebrating this year is the first one we don't have to travel. The MIL is in town, and we already did dinner at her assisted living facility. So we're free to eat dry bird all on our own. We're trying turkey in a bag this year. Yup, total culinary chefs here. Happy Thanksgiving!
    [im]http://www.wehatetowaste.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/turkey-eat-ham-300x200.jpg[/im]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy that bagged turkey. It has to at least be better than canned turkey.

      [im]http://www.chowstatic.com/uploads/7/1/9/861917_turkey-spam.png[/im]

      Delete
  28. Yep. Just finished our turkey and starch. Why do we do it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think we just don't know any better. Next year I'm ordering takeout.

      Delete
  29. Well, you're missing out. You're invited to our house next year where we had delicious moist turkey, stuffing with spicy sausage, baked corn, fresh veggies, potatoes, sweet and white, and homemade monkey bread, homemade apple and pumpkin pie. Captain Morgan and coke, along with other numbing drinks. Games for hours, indoors and out as every year. No one got hurt this year so it's a victory. And football mixed in with it all. I confess to boxed wine for one attendee. Hope yours was actually better than the post. Happy Thanksgiving and I feel no guilt for anything my ancestors did.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, after reading that, I'd say we are definitely missing out. That sounds amazing. No guilt, all flavor, all fun. Sign us both up!

      Delete
  30. <<

    >>

    *eats ham quietly with a side of properly seasoned garlic mashed potatoes*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now THIS guy gets it. Dammit, why didn't we think of that?

      Delete
    2. If it makes you feel any better, I only got this for one of the four Thanksgivings I was forced to attend over the course of a week. haha

      Delete
    3. Wow, what a trooper! RIP your waistline.

      Delete
  31. Happy Thanksgiving to you guys! We'll be celebrating Germany/American Thanksgiving on Saturday. And my turkey is NEVER dry! :D Have a good one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think what we're learning here is that we suck at turkey. That wouldn't surprise me. A very happy Thanksgiving to you as well!

      Delete
  32. Never understood what thanksgiving was until I read this. Never even knew when it was until you guys hoisted black friday on us. Thanks for that one!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll be sure and respond to this comment after I finish choke-slamming this 70 year old woman who had the audacity to stand in front of me. Duty calls!

      Delete
  33. OMG. When I lived in the US, I had Thanksgiving with a friend who always deep-fried her turkey. SO JUICY! Seriously. Just try it.

    This year, however, in China, we ate a "traditional" dinner at a swanky hotel that carved up a turkey apparently made of all breast-meat - the driest of the Turkey meat - with tasteless stuffing, NO mashed potatoes, and, dare I say it? an ENGLISH CHRISTMAS PUDDING for dessert? WTF?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Deep fried turkey does sound pretty amazing, but I don't want to suffer the third degree burns attempting it (poorly). Also, I'm no expert, but I'm about 99% certain they just served you a 99 cent TV dinner.

      Delete
  34. It only has no taste if you don't drown it in Miracle Whip.
    Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm................Miracle Whip.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "You know what this goopy white fat-paste needs? Sugar. Lots of sugar." - Miracle Whip creator

      Delete
  35. Yeah, Thanksgiving is gross. At least its not as bad as Columbus Day. Fuck that dude.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm a Spaniard so maybe I need to eat another turkey on his day, too?

      Delete
  36. I hope you guys had a Happy Thanksgiving! Did you at least enjoy some pumpkin beer? I guess the way to have that now is with the rim dusted in cinnamon sugar and a cinnamon stick twirler. I passed on the sugar, just give me the beer, please.

    new favorite: Shipyard Pumpkin

    I have a feeling no one in North Dakota was celebrating, as they still fight for the little land that they have.

    Of course I always enjoy your humor...I think I'll have to buy another book to read.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Extra sugar on the rim? No thanks! We're already not huge on pumpkin beers because they're usually too sweet. That Shipyard sounds pretty good, though. I do love a good wheat ale.

      You are far too kind! Not sure if it's in your wheelhouse, but we keep forgetting to add our newest book to our webstore. It's Tuck Watley: The Freedom Fighter Fighter, and if you enjoy our humor, this is that x1000 (we save our good jokes for our books... shhh, don't tell anyone).

      Delete
  37. If your turkeys are dry and tasteless, you obviously aren't doing something right. :)

    We were in Florida for the past week, and our daughter-in-law's turkey was dandy. Not enough for my hubby, though. When I go to the store today, I hope to find a smallish turkey for me to prepare. We like the leftovers almost as much as the first-day bird. (With REAL cranberry sauce, of course...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dandy? I've heard many d-words describe a turkey, but NEVER dandy! Lies, I say!

      (Teach me, please!)

      Delete
  38. LOL! You need to come to my house and taste my hubby's cooking. Thanksgiving is a meal for kings around here, even the Turkey. =)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I believe you... minus the turkey. I wonder how he feels about all of that?

      Delete
  39. We dont have turkey here, So have to go with chicken. But beer is same everywhere :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And beer is good everywhere! Now THAT'S something to be thankful for!

      Delete
  40. I ate with no regrets. I love Thanksgiving. I love the food, the family, the leftovers. All of it! The only thing I don't like are the stores that are open that day: my son's being one of them. Jerks. I put a curse upon them! A turkey curse! Whatever that may be.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm, that they will be forever dry and flavorlessly boring? That sounds like a pretty miserable curse, and that's what you get for going out on a national holiday where everyone should just be stuffed into fat pants, napping/drooling on the couch.

      Delete
  41. I see what's going on here. You guys are racist. Turkeys are people too. Shame on your homophobic, xenophobic selves.

    ;)

    ReplyDelete
  42. Replies
    1. That thing between your head and your legs that sometimes stores turkey (for whatever weird reason).

      Delete