Wednesday, November 9, 2016

#18 - Happy Birthday to Me




97 comments:

  1. Amen! Let the apocalypse begin.
    And happy birthday!

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    1. Thanks! I hope it's zombies. I've always kinda hoped for zombies.

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    2. And Bryan, this was the best Happy Birthday I could find -
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ3VgxFLZm8

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  2. Replies
    1. Thanks! I'm gonna go drink until I can't feel feelings no more.

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  3. I think we ALL got that "birthday" gift...and it's been a very LONG time coming (about 8 years).
    Nice deal.
    Apocalypse? Maybe not this week.
    (zombies - remember: only HEAD shots count)

    Stay safe out there, guys!

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    1. Thanks! I guess maybe I should stop hoarding all of this craft beer, then. That can't help out my chance of getting a head shot...

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  4. I've never been happier to be wrong (thought Clinton would win big). Not that I am a Trump fan, but it seems clear that Americans are telling DC they're fed up with the status quo.

    That's why Trump won the primary, and why Bernie was such a close contender (wonder whether he woke up with a horse head in his bed at any point over the summer?).

    I still think Americans should be pissed that these were the best two candidates they were offered, but both parties need a wake-up call, especially the Republicans.

    Will anything really change?

    Remains to be seen, but you know us cynical old guys...

    I wanted to write in Bill Belichik.

    Wouldn't the State Of The Union be cool with him there in a cut-off hoodie mumbling incoherently?

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    1. Vice President Tom Brady, do you have anything to say about the policy that President Belichik is proposing?
      VP Brady: "Uh yes. It is good. Most good. We... We definitely need... policy?"
      President Belichik: "Could someone please cut his mic? He's just for show."

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    2. I am mostly disappointed that the uptight AZ voters did not legalize recreational marijuana.

      For those voters, it needs to be MANDATORY.

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    3. Let us not forget, though, that marijuana has major side effects, like massive heart attacks.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjisw2f-vUk

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    4. And to think that some people wanted to see that dopey muhthuhfuhkuh as the leader of the most powerful (i.e., dangerous) country in the world.

      I say, dope 'em all up and export 'em over the wall soon-to-be!

      ~ D-FensDogG

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    5. Excuses for being late to work this week:

      (1) Spent the night in jail because I was arrested at a "Trump Is Not My President" rally

      (2) Lost track of time waiting for the Canadian immigration site to come back online

      (3) [Arizona only] Had to go to post office and ship the Joe Arpaio pink underwear I sold on eBay

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    6. Damn, L.C., those are gold.

      (4) Dehydrated from crying into their 'safe space' pillows all night (whiny millennials only)

      (5) Hands sore from high-fiving all night (white guys named Chad only)

      (6) Unconcerned with election; just still mourning Harambe (never forget)

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  5. Happy Birthday!!!! We are all sharing your present. (Have a super awesome day!!!!)

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    1. Thanks! I haven't heard a single political ad all day long and my ears are practically ringing from all of that silence.

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  6. Happy birthday! May your birthday candles ignited the post-election rage.

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    1. Someone baked me a vanilla cake so I built a wall around that shit. I don't need that bland ass flavor in my life.

      (Oh, and thanks!)

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  7. Hope you have a very happy birthday!

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    1. So far so good, and I haven't even hit the beer yet! Thanks!

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  8. Happy B'day, Bryan and that gift wraps it up even when it's unwrapped. I am so so so glad it's over, but now, like Alex says, the apocalypse begins. . .Murrica will be 'grate' again. . .so they say. Let's see what that businessman can or cannot do, I say. (that's a lot of saying, just sayin')

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    1. A little something extra:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjF1bG5LUcs

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    2. Thanks for the kind wishes and the music! Both are appreciated! Today I bought two assault rifles and a Toby Keith album so I think I'm ready to assimilate as America transitions into Murica.

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  9. Aww yiss, mutha. fucking. results.
    Now that the whole ordeal is over, the Big Man seems to have calmed down a bit. Interesting to see what he'll do from here on out.

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    1. (Also apparently people are literally crying because they're so afraid. Am I naive for finding that a bit unnecessary?)

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    2. Yeah, it's true. I blame the mainstream media and misinformed gossip for creating such unwarranted panic. My wife's best friend is of Mexican heritage (she was born here) and is genuinely terrified that Donald Trump is going to have her personally deported. There are also people who genuinely believe that Donald Trump is going to build concentration camps and have people tortured and killed and all that. You know, that whole Hitler thing people kept talking about. Yeah, I don't get it either. I'm pretty sure even if he had the outlandish idea to implement systematic murder or deport natural born citizens that our senate would shut that right down.

      And hey, let's be honest; right now, the US isn't exactly a utopia. Everyone's focused on "OMG it's gonna get so much worse now!" but who knows? It could actually get better. At this point, I don't care who's manning the ship, I just want a better country.

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  10. So you are to blame for the present America just got today, huh? I think you need to hit return to sender on that crap lol

    Happy Birthday!

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    1. Shit, I hit the wrong button! Undo! Undo!

      [im]https://d1sui4xqepm0ps.cloudfront.net/is-this-meme-racist-full.jpg[/im]

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  11. As with Brexit, can we have a do over?
    Kidding.
    No I'm not.
    Kidding!
    Not!
    Kidding...

    Clearly, I'm not clear on the subject.

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    1. Somehow, I don't think the folks who voted for Trump would change their minds overnight. Maybe we should ask everyone during the first 100 days WHEN THE ENTIRE COUNTRY IS A FLAMING, RADIOACTIVE WASTELAND

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  12. Happy birthday.

    I'm going to take a day or two before I say more than that.

    I mean about the election, not because of your birthday. I've come to terms with your birthday surprisingly well.

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    1. I haven't come to terms with my birthday. Think I can get some help with that? Before, I was a young 30. Hip, wise, but still with it. Now I'm creeping up on mid 30s, which isn't cool. Soon I might buy a pair of wingtip loafers and open up a Home Depot credit card and say things like, "Oooh, what have we got here!" while wiggling my fingers at office donuts.

      I'm not ready to be that guy.

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  13. I give you our official birthday song:

    https://youtu.be/TdIRrmNN_CQ

    I'm going to say that has to be the most epic birthday present too. Wishing you cheese and epicness today!

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    1. Cheese and TMBG? It's like you know me! Thanks mucho!

      And always better to be older than dead.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJRR3Ltm_sw

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  14. Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  15. Claudia Russell and Bruce Kaplan perform their version of the Sheriff John Birthday Song aka the Birthday Polka. If you're from Los Angeles and grew up in the 1950s and early 60s, you very likely know this song.

    If you aren't and you didn't, then you very likely don't.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NZRsEo85NI

    ~ D-FensDogG

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    1. As someone who was born and raised in Los Angeles in 1952, this brought back some great memories. And as someone who's also a pathological liar, I haven't had this much fun since running my last Iron Man marathon.

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  16. I was going to sing you a happy birthday, but I can't find my sequinned dress and blonde wig. But it's the thought that counts, right?

    Seriously, hope you had a GREAT day!

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    1. I would have also accepted a serenade in the style of Dent May, but the thought of you doing your best Caitlyn Jenner is its own reward.

      Thanks!

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  17. Happy Birthday. Much better to celebrate a birthday than the fiasco that just happened. I am glad this is over...we have all had enough

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    1. Let's face it, people weren't going to be happy no matter who won. But I can always get down with cake and free beer.

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    2. Oh I hope you had lots of cake...and beer:)

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  18. Worst fortune cookie ever. Where are the lucky numbers???

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    1. That was actually the second fortune cookie. The first one just said "Harambe was an inside job." I didn't know how to feel about that one.

      Not pictured, but the lucky numbers were Florida, Pennsylvania, Ohio, and North Carolina.

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  19. The next four years will be..interesting to say the least. Unless Trump does a 180 and comes out as a reasonable moderate, he'll have a hell of an election in 2020. Because who ever is nominated by the DNC next go around, they won't possibly be as demonized as Hillary.

    I almost feel like Trump was trying to lose. I hope he likes the job, I hear it's stressful, never ends, and sucks the color out of your hair. He'll most likely be missing the penthouse and his golden chairs in a week after taking office.

    Happy Birthday

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    1. If you're saying what I think you're saying, then I look forward to Trumpbot-3000™ taking over for his master within the first month and running this country for 8 prosperous years.

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  20. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

    Alex's comment = Nailed it!

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    1. Thanks! Good thing we writers are (mostly) mentally prepared for an apocalypse, right?

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  21. Happy Birthday. I mean, at least you got to experience a last celebratory moment before we collectively hurl ourselves into oblivion. All I ask was that for your birthday wish, you begged the birthday genie to prevent anyone with an unoriginal thought to keep that unoriginal thought to themselves. And seriously, if someone mentions Idiocracy again, smiting will happen. (I hope this makes sense, I am admittedly drunk at the time of this comment.)

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    1. I don't care what anyone says, President Camacho would have made an amazing president, and Brawndo IS what plants crave.

      (I have also been drinking)

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  22. The election itself is over, but it's not really better for it...That would be the case either way, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit fear of what is to come.

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    1. Just remember, it could always be worse. We could have heard the words, "The winner of the 2016 presidential election is... Kim Kardashian!"

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    2. Nah. She'll be the first lady since apparently Kanye is going to run *rolls eyes*

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  23. Happy Happy Birthday (oops, I little late, but celebrations must continue) to the best and the brightest. Yeah, the bar just dipped real low in those terms. But hey, everything is relative. And I have no point except I'm hopeful you had a fabulous day that leads into a year of apocalyptic proportions. How can it not?

    You're a treasured friend.

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    1. Thanks! That really does mean a lot. And I kinda like fire. It's peaceful. Hypnotizing. Maybe it'll all be okay.

      [im]http://i.imgur.com/c4jt321.png[/im]

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  24. [im]http://img.memecdn.com/zombie-apocalypse-birthday-game_o_1026185.jpg[/im]

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    1. Oh god, I have to team up with Snooki? I'd rather just die!

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  25. And yet somehow, now that it's done, the horror that was facebook for the last few months is even worse. Maybe I'll check back there in 2017.

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    1. I already blocked anyone spewing vitriolic word vomit, so it seems pretty calm to me.

      Yeah, ignorance is bliss.

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  26. Now we get a break before the shit hits the fan. Happy birthday young'un. You're not old until people start telling you that age is just a number.

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    1. I feel like I'm not old until they blatantly stop carding me and laugh when I offer up my ID. Come on, baby face, hold up just a little bit longer!

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  27. Hey I can sing Happy Birthday now because it was decided you couldn't copyright it after all. I'm not going to, but I could if I wanted.

    Happy birthday man. Enjoy the election being over. I know I will.

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    1. You could have just said you sung it, and I would have believed you. Why you gotta do me like that? Let a guy dream. And thanks!

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  28. Happy birthday Bryan. Sorry it's late. I do hope you had a good one. Sorry you had such a lousy birthday present even if the election is over.

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    1. Thanks! My birthday was pretty good regardless, so I can't complain. They can take away many things, but they can't take my birthday cake, nor can they take my birthday beer. God bless Murica.

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  29. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, dude! Hey, I got the same present, and it isn't even my birthday! (Can I return it now...?)

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    1. Thanks! I tried taking my gift back for a refund, and even with the receipt, I believe the term the clerk gave me was "no take-backsies, na na na na boo boo."

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  30. I would actually love to be proven wrong and discover that Trump actually does do well for the country. If not, we can always resort to Nelson Mandela's particular brand of publicly-approved terrorism.

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    1. Yeah, I'm kind of ashamed of my generation - in particular, those who are sobbing and protesting "He's not MY president!" and who are already wishing failure upon him. Last I checked, wishing that level of failure upon your own country is the equivalent of hoping the packed airplane that you're riding in goes down in flames.

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  31. My birthday is in a few days. I actually watched a show on TV today now that the ads are done. Still can't watch the news yet, though it is fun for all the newscasters to look so befuddled as they try to figure out how wrong their predictions were. Happy Birthday. Have a craft beer for me. I have more refined tastes and am having some cheap wine, not even from a box.

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    1. I'm surprised by how many celebrities are crying and throwing tantrums. Yeah, you're living in the lap of luxury and most laws don't even apply to you. Stop pretending this affects you in the slightest.

      Hey, pass that cheap wine! I can double fist it with this delicious craft beer I'm drinking (chugging).

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  32. Happy birthday! Thanks for sharing your present with the world. Gotta go. It's time for me to decorate and stock my end-of-the-world bunker. I need to pick up some Spam and throw pillows.

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    1. Thanks! Yeah, this is pretty much all my fault, so when you run out of Spam and the zombies are clawing at your door, just remember who started this.

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  33. Happy Birthday! Sorry there's probably a bunch of people grieving around you. Tough couple of days for some of us.

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    1. Thanks! I assume people aren't weeping and protesting because I got a year older, but who knows, maybe I just have very supportive friends who don't want me to age.

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  34. Best birthday present ever! Happy birthday, Bryan! Hope it was a great one. Now if we could just figure out a way to get people to come together and not allow politics and religion to divide them. Think you can make that your wish as you blow out your candles on your birthday cake?

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    1. Thanks, Elsie! It was pretty fantastic, even despite the crying and rioting and violent seizures and whatever else people were doing in anger/sadness. And shit, I already wasted my wish on a pony! Can I get a do-over? That other one is totally better.

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  35. Sorry I'm so late, but Happy Birthday anyway! As for the election FINALLY being over: 'Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition'.

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    1. Thanks! If you're gonna fire any celebratory shots, you'd better do it soon! We only have Obamacare for 2 more months!

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  36. Happy Birthday! I feel like that was a present for me too. I have been hoping for days that this whole election cycle was a Mandela Effect. My hope is that his advisors rein him in and forces him to at least act presidential while in public and puts a halt on his stupid twitter posts. On the flip side, I really wish I was a fly on the wall at the Clinton house on election night. I bet that was something to see.

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    1. @POTUS twitter: "Just told this broad I was the president and she was like whatever and I'm like whatever she's barely a 5."
      Lead advisor: "Uh, Mr. President, please stop doing that."

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  37. Happy Birthday! I want you to know that I was partly responsible for that present too. No, really... you don't need to thank me just hand me a beer. :)

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    1. Hey, thanks! When I go riot later, I'll make sure and tip over your car since you said this was your fault!

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  38. Happy Belated Birthday, Bryan!
    Glad you enjoyed your beer and cake!
    What did you have for lunch and dinner?
    So glad we could laugh about the election, as it truly beats the alternative.

    Julie

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    1. Thanks, Julie! I enjoyed the hell out of that beer and cake. Lunch and dinner? I think you just answered your own question.

      (BEER AND CAKE!)

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  39. Replies
    1. Fruit? This fruit is brown. And soggy. And has dead worms in it. I want a refund.

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  40. A little late, but happy birthday! I'm so happy I kept my Canadian citizenship and got one for my kid!

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    1. Hey thanks! Cheap access to quality hockey, maple syrup, and health care is always a good thing!

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  41. So, ugh, every four years you get an election for your birthday, basically? BLECH! But Happy Birthday!

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    1. Yeah, it's never a great present. It just never is. Thank God I make my own happiness, though. And thanks!

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