Saturday, October 1, 2016

Phony Robbins - Motivational Shrieker















95 comments:

  1. Can we hire you for parties? This'd be some higher level buzz killing.
    You're definitely right though. Looking for motivational pictures online is one thing, but paying for people to tell you how to do what you want to do doesn't sound like a healthy choice.

    (I send you guys an email by the way, at your name@abeerfortheshower.com addresses, but I got a "delivery has been delayed" message. What is this, physical mail? Let me know if you still haven't received anything by tomorrow, I'll have to resend.)

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    1. Oh yes, we do birthday parties. While Bonkers the Clown goes around making colorful balloon animals, we give a 45 minute rant on how you're probably not as talented as you think you are, and your parents only damaged you by encouraging your delusion.

      (Brandon doesn't have one of those addresses because he's an old fogey that likes gmail, but you can reach me at bryan @ ourdomain.com and that should go through instantly. I haven't gotten anything, so please resend)

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    2. Feels good to know I contributed to a defenestration. Feels even better when that was promptly followed by decapitation AND cranial extraction. Making the world a better place is great!

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    3. jfc it's still giving me the "delivery delay" message when sending to just bryan@. I'm assuming that means you haven't gotten it?
      I'll just resend it (again) to your gmail, like they did back when man was still wild. You may want to double-check your mail servers are up and running properly, and/or contact the host.

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. Just think, if enough people jump out that window, pretty soon you'll have a huge pile of bodies to cushion you and you won't even get injured.

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  3. I have always despised motivational posters, speakers and exercises. Motivation must come from within, or not at all. That's how introverts get motivated. Extroverts are much more susceptible to external motivation. I bet the bulk of Trump's supporters are extroverts.

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    1. I always knew I was working at a really shitty job when they had to have corporate motivational speakers come in and tell us why we wanted to work.

      Strangely, "money" was not listed as a single reason, despite being the only contributing factor.

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  4. Actually, you BEER BOYS aren't bad motivational speakers. Well... no worse than "Meathead", anyway. And as long as you don't wind up with too many "Heinz Assholes" in your seminars you should be able to keep the sheeple bah-gging you to take their money.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5e4e1LIsv6E

    ~ D'plorable D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Maybe if I'd only had an inspiring phrase like "Is-ness is the business!" in my life, I'd still be working in the corporate world. But I was never man enough to step into the big-boy shoes we know as middle management.

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    2. This spirit of 76 is something I would never want to go back to even if it's funny as hell

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  5. Well, I'm all inspired and stuff. The best motivational speaker video I've ever seen was Shia labeouf's "Just Do It!" LOL I mean, how can you not want to do what he's telling you while he's screaming at you, his veins are pulsing in his neck and he looks like he's about to have a coronary?

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    1. Don't let your dreams be dreams.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXsQAXx_ao0

      You're welcome.

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    2. Also...
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTz93Y-qeq0

      Delete
  6. lol so true. These people are pathetic as pathetic can be. Like they need to pay $500 for some moron to give them permission to do what they should be doing anyway. Nothing but a bunch of sheep that keep on coming back. So true about the motivational pics too, always those that aren't there that share them.

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    1. Speaker: "Now get out there! I give you permission to succeed!"
      Everyone else: thunderous applause
      Me: Oh, thanks goodness he gave me permission. I've been succeeding without proper permission up until now and frankly it's felt a little deceitful.

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  7. Well I did download a free book on how to make money online a while back. It was decent advice until the guy devoted an entire chapter to how he can jack off whenever he was horny now that he worked at home. All his credibility went right out the window at that point. I'd have been pissed if I spent anything more than my free time on that book.

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    1. "While the rest of you jackasses are out there working and having sex, I'm at home beating off whenever I feel like it, and making DOZENS of dollars in the process. You jealous?"

      Delete
  8. I see that motivational speaking isn't your answer to getting rich and famous. Given that same amount of time you could of had them walking over hot coals WHILE drinking tainted Kool-Aid.

    As I was a MOTIVATIONAL speaker for 7 years ...yeah with actual paychecks and everything....I can tell you it is all bullshit. Basically I was hired because I come across very likable and positive and girl-next-door like. The scripts are provided and learned for the most part....with a lot of anecdotal support thrown in for good measure.

    The thing I can tell you I learned form my gig of being "motivational" is:

    A. I truly HATE (like from the depths of hell, HATE) other motivational speakers. Tony Robbins (or Phony Robbins) is evil.

    B. I have little or no respect for the people in the audience that hang onto every last word and count on everything you tell them as being gospel. AND there is a special place in hell for speakers that are throwing in actual GOSPEL to elicit money. (But if you want me to pray for you, I accept bit coins)

    C. If I wasn't already inspirational enough,(and I am sure you are feeling all the positivity I exude) there is, in fact, a subject that I became particularly passionate about during my motivational career. I can tell you that one year I took 325 flights to inspire corporation employees to be positive while I am MOSTLY positive about how vile airlines are.



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    1. Ha! Wow, you're like a motivational whistleblower. I'm every bit as inspired as I am horrified.

      It always crushed my soul going to one of those corporate motivational seminars, especially the ones that lasted 3 whole days, knowing that instead of getting a much deserved raise, our company was paying God-knows-how-much for that bullshit. Who needs money when I have inspiration?

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    2. I am shocked to hear you didn't just LOVE going to those seminars. Most of my attendees figured it was a "do no harm" kind of thing. They could ignore the message of whatever crap I was talking about and not have to work for the day or days as the case may be....with pay and snacks. Besides who needs a raise when their company is bringing in a class act like me to entertain them. OR they could look at it as "send in the clowns" minus the Streisand soundtrack. Once in a great while I found someone that hated their forced time off to sit and listen to my fun and fascinating class (am I selling it?) but clearly they liked their job better than the average person. A lot of my audience were "customer service representatives" so you can imagine how cheerful they were by nature. Every once in a while I would be told that my seminars were the longest period of time that many of them went without being sworn at. Most of the employees of the company that hired me worked there because this company pays 100 percent of college courses and allows time off to take the classes. It was more about getting their degree than their hourly wage.

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    3. Wow. With some college degrees costing over $100,000, I think I'd rather get a free 6 figure degree than a slightly higher paying job.

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  9. But I can't ever remember my dreams when I wake up, so how do I follow them?
    Well, okay, sometimes I remember stuff, but it's always really weird stuff, and I'm not sure I'd want to follow any of those.
    Why I can't I just have normal sex dreams or something?

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    1. Isn't that the worst? I always hear about how people have cool dreams like sex, or flying, or sex while flying (maybe), but instead I dream about not being able to find the right kind of milk at the supermarket. Fuck you, brain!

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    2. I saw flying elephants who started dancing...does that count??

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    3. I would pay to see that... in a dream, or real life.

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  10. Geez, even Nike commercials tell us to "Just do it!" and we don't pay five hundred bucks to hear it. Heck, we don't even have to buy their shoes.

    Seriously, one of the best motivational things I ever heard was something a guest speaker at the adult Sunday school class wrote on the blackboard back in the seventies. It said, "May I never be so blind that all I see is my own small world, nor so self-satisfied that all I am is all I ever hope to be." Kinda catchy, huh?

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    1. You should start charging people $500 to hear you speak that.

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  11. What a business model! People are so desperate for fame and fortune that they look for shortcuts and will do stupid things to get those shortcuts.

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    1. And that's a huge part of it right there. Most of these people don't even want the career itself, they just want the end result - fame and fortune.

      We each make roughly $1 per book we sell. Do the math. How many of those do you think we have to sell before we could just quit our day jobs and live in the lap of luxury?

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  12. A+ on working "Defenestrate" into a comic. Well done. *applauds*

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    1. Thank you, thank you! It's one of our blog's few crowning achievements, and we aren't even being sarcastic when we say that.

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  13. You've motivated me into taking jumping out a window off my bucket list. That has to count for something.
    At the next event, just put the Nike logo on the screen. Then you won't even have to speak.

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    1. Oh, and be playing Fleetwood Mac's Go Your Own Way. Sorry, forgot part two. Very important.

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    2. And after you fall out that window, we're going to play "Hit the Road Jack", which is never not clever.

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  14. That was hilarious! Very good points about doing what you need to do and not following others. And the kicker that every had already failed at that. Too funny.

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    1. Hey, thanks! And we didn't even charge you for this wisdom. Kind of us, right?

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  15. I'm going to go live in a van down by the river

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    1. Then
      [im]https://media.giphy.com/media/EJOcCOdI69f3O/giphy.gif[/im]

      Delete
  16. This post made me miss the goat.

    Is there a new and improved, hyper-realistic goat in this incarnation of the blog?

    That goat always struck me as a goat that could really tell me how to accomplish my dreams.

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    1. Peggy Sue the Retarded Goat™ is still undergoing extensive plastic surgery to achieve hyper-realism. We hired the best plastic surgeon operating out of a Denny's parking lot that $8 can buy, so trust us when we say you won't be disappointed. Stay tuned.

      Peggy for President 2016: The Candidate We All Can Agree On. You heard it here first.

      Delete
  17. So it's YOUR fault!!! I have a feeling that two certain presidential candidates may have attended last year's little "seminar" and taken things just a bit too seriously. Stop being so inspiring!!!

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    1. When Trump For President™ takes office in January of 2017, I hope Shia LaBeouf publicly apologizes to all of us for inspiring him, and not allowing his dreams to just be dreams.

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  18. Motivational speakers - what a rip-off! Work has forced me to attend several of these time wasters. I've heard the 7 winning ways of successful people (or something like that); stress management; and how to live for your organization (i.e., no personal life - nada), I have yet to be motivated by any of these speakers. I'm not fond of TED talks either. I motivate myself when and if I need it. . . so sorry, not interested, but you will do well with the corporate entities - they love this stuff. . .

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    1. I used to love TED talks, until I realized almost anyone can give one. I think the dumbest one I ever watched was this woman who was talking about how obesity isn't a choice, it's a disease (you know, just like cancer!) and that all carbohydrates (you know, food energy) are poison, so you must never eat any.

      Despite my incredibly low body fat percentage, I still eat carbohydrates, so I'm just waiting for the day I catch diabetes. AH-CHOO!

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  19. "We are all individuals!"......."I'm not." ...love The Life of Brian and just seems to sum it up. I have been to conferences where they had motivational speakers. At one point we were all wearing clown noses and we were supposed to laugh. Laughter makes one happy even when you force yourself to laugh like a raving loon. I wore that nose on top of my head and just sat there and didn't move. The speaker was really trying to get me to be like the others but I just felt motivated to not be motivated.

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    1. That sounds like something you'd experience in a cult. "Okay, now everyone put on your clown nose..."

      I've heard the same thing about smiling. They say if you force yourself to smile, something in your brain activates and it triggers happiness blah blah blah... I don't buy it. I'd rather have my dignity than a clown nose and a forced serial killer smile and a slight bit of fake happiness.

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  20. Is no one going to talk about the person they just murdered??? haha

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    1. Whoa, come on, it's not like we MADE him do it.

      Wait, what?

      Delete
  21. Katy

    Perry's

    ...

    Hemorrhoid pillow.

    .......

    ....

    I could have lived the whole rest of my life without that idea in my head. The whole entire thing.

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    1. You're welcome for that. And hey, at least we didn't show her personal hemorrhoid scrubber. You think that guy enjoys his day job?

      ...He actually does. There are some real sickos out there.

      Delete
  22. I wonder how many of your readers knew what defenestrate meant!! Mind you anyone dumb enough to pay $500 is dumb enough to do just that. My cheque is in the mail of course, or should I write check???

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    1. Yeah, I was just thinking that the Venn diagram overlap on people who are smart enough to know what "defenestrate" means and yet dumb enough to throw themselves out a window on command has to be pretty slim. And yet, they managed to find someone right in the sweet spot. That alone is pretty impressive!

      Delete
    2. We take checks, cheques, and Chex. And we've found from demographic studies that our readers are smart, have a huge vocabulary, are incredibly good looking, fun to be around, easily buttered up, and are also very gullible.

      It's a pretty great combination.

      Delete
  23. You guys aren't charging enough. If you want to make some serious money you've got to ask for it. Look at what poor people have done for those mega church charlatans.

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    1. My personal favorite is Pastor Creflo Dollar, who was so blessed by God that he was given the name Dollar, as if to imply from the heavens above, "Giveth me all thy money, bitch."

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  24. I accept that I am a failure. I shall sit here in my comfortable chair, well fed and happy with my dogs, and simply enjoy my lack of success.

    Love,
    Janie, who hates motivational shit

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    1. Whoever said ignorance is bliss hasn't sat in a comfy chair with some loving animals and a good drink.

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  25. That was so motivating. I can't wait to get back to work. Thanks for letting us see the entire pitch for free. I feel $500 richer.

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    1. No, wait, you were supposed to pay for that! ...Man, we are so bad at this.

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  26. Yet $500 is cheap for "motivational" advice. And then phase 2 costs $1500, etc. Koolaid not included. You guys are the best and most generous. I loved this post.

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    1. I just looked it up and the actual cheapest ticket to a Tony Robbins event is $1,000. The 'Platinum Premiere Diamond VIP' bullshit ticket is $3,000. We are definitely undercharging. See? We said we were awful at this.

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  27. SORRY! I'm extra sorry if this doesn't work on the re-try.

    [im]http://www.howtogeek.com/wp-content/uploads/gg/up/sshot-2010-09-28-1-00-19-15.jpg[/im]

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    1. Ha! That's awesome!

      [im]https://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/62381537.jpg[/im]

      Delete
  28. Uhm, so I should be writing instead of reading posts. Wow, that would have been well worth the price of admission. Who woulda thunk it?

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    1. Well, yes, unless those posts are ours. Or yours. The posts that matter, really.

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  29. I've never found a girl so attractive that it's made me want to be her haemorrhoid pillow.

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    1. Then you haven't found the right girl. Maybe one day you'll find "the one".

      [im]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/7f/c5/2e/7fc52eadd6bfad65c793ed4601d4356b.jpg[/im]

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  30. The scary thing is that if you could turn this into an hour long speech you probably could go out there and charge people $500 to hear you scream it at them. It's a solid message. If you want to do something then go fucking do it. Of course you can't tell people to "just do it" or you'd get sued by Nike. That's why you throw in the "fucking".

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    1. I'm just imagining myself shaking this poor woman by the shoulders as I'm screaming into her earholes for her to JUST FUCKING DO IT, STOP EMBARRASSING YOURSELF YOU ASSHOLE AND JUST FUCKING DO IT, and even though she's crying, they're tears of joy. Later, she tells her friends it's the best $500 she's ever spent.

      How the hell is this a thing?

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  31. Maybe the people are returning just to see you guys dressed in ties. And why am I suddenly looking up cats in ties and not making progress on my dreams? [im]http://cdn.trendhunterstatic.com/thumbs/cat-necktie-collars.jpeg[/im]

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    1. Oh yes, I love a cat in a tie. Let's not forget Business Cat, who's every bit as hilarious as he is adorable.

      [im]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/f7/e1/48/f7e148e3fc0f37977cfaeb15a3d92dec.jpg[/im]

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  32. Good one! Now...back to chasing those dreams :)

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    1. Who the hell has the time for that with all of this motivational speaking that needs to be done?

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  33. I can't find the sign up sheet for the seminar...did I miss it somewhere?

    Just kidding. I never sign up for seminars, unless there's a coupon.

    If this comment makes no sense, I got five hours sleep last night thanks to that Tuck Wattly/ Bruce dude. I'm a slow starter. Need to find a motivator class.

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    1. We have a coupon for 10% off, with your purchase of a large pizza and a medium drink. Also, we don't make pizzas.

      If that didn't make sense, it's because we're drunken idiots.

      Viva la Bruce Stallion!

      Delete
  34. I've got to say, motivational speakers aren't really my thing.


    www.ficklemillennial.wordpress.com

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    1. They shouldn't have been a thing for that asshole that jumped out the window, amirite?

      Delete
  35. Follow you dreams? I have to admit some of mine I wouldn't want to follow or have anyone else follow. It can be strange in my head..lol..

    Hey, I finished Lost and Found, absolutely loved this book. I finished it in two days. You took paranormal to new level, I didn't want to put the book down. I have it on my sidebar on my blog. I may post a small review as it would make a great October read.

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    1. It doesn't matter how weird they are; as long as you're actually trying to work toward those dreams, you've still got these lazy chumps beat.

      And hey, thank you! That's so awesome of you! Post or not, we're incredibly flattered by your kind words and your support.

      Delete
  36. B&B:
    That is simply BRILLIANT.
    --I don't have much love at all for damn near ALL of the motivational speakers, but there have been a very FEW who have done something FOR people, rather than TO them (and Robbins in not in the mix).
    --I'd be a crappy motivational speaker too, because I'm one opf those that believe the FIRST thing anyone must do to go after ANYTHING they may desire is to GET OFF THEIR DAMN ASS...!
    It's not like Publisher's Clearing House is coming tom THEIR door anytime soon, right?
    --And you have to WORK at it...that means HARD work, and not some "close enough for government work" mindset.
    --Some dreams are achievable...other not so much, nor as easily.
    It does depend mostly on the person, but there are things like LUCK and FATE that have a hand it.
    Right place, right time sorta stuff.

    And that's why I'm working on my SECOND MILLION BUCKS...because that FIRST MILLION is always SO damn close to impossible to acquire.
    :)

    Very good post.

    Stay safe (and classy) out there, guys.

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    1. Hey, like that Ronald Wright guy said, we poor are all just a bunch of temporarily embarrassed millionaires. I mean, I know I left that first mil around here somewhere... now where did I put that?

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  37. I feel so inspired. Like, I want to follow my dreams. Dreams of grandeur. Dreams of ruling the world. Dreams of finding a brain.

    https://youtu.be/8ZeWZdmKp1E

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  38. So what you're really saying is, you don't want followers? ;)

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    1. Don't be a follower, be a leader! Or some crap like that. You inspired yet?

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  39. No, the successful friends are out busting their asses and trying to figure out how to make things happen. Not posting memes on the social media every twenty minutes and wondering why their life is stagnant. Good post, Bryan!

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    1. Thanks! I would have responded to this earlier, but I was too busy posting every detail of my life on social media. Wait, what?

      Delete
  40. You hit it right on the nail. These motivational speakers really know how to rake their followers over the coals!

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    1. Not sure if you were aware that Tony Robbins' latest 'coal walk' backfired terribly and so many people were badly burned, but the wit of that comment is not lost on me.

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  41. I'd like to go to listen to motivational speakers if they were free. Sometimes they're on TV--especially public TV when they're trying to raise money for the station--but I don't have the time or patience to sit there watching those shows. Over the years I've probably spent $500 or more on motivational books, but I still need to read most of them if I could just get around to doing that.

    Someday I'd like to be a motivational speaker. If I ever get motivated enough to do it.

    Arlee Bird
    Tossing It Out

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    1. We know that feel. There are videos of Tony Robbins on YouTube that are up to two hours long. Two whole hours. Do I look like I have two hours to waste on his nonsense?

      Anyways, off to play two hours of video games. BRB.

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  42. I don't know what made me laugh harder-the dream job of KP's pillow (which is my new dream job) or the "motivational" slide at the end.

    I looked for this but couldn't find a link-my favorite motivational slide used to be on display at my former employer. Entitled "Teamwork," it showed a bunch of people who had jumped from a plane and were holding hands in a circle.

    Teamwork, right?

    Rah, rah!

    Except if one person doesn't take the "f#@k teamwork" attitude and pull his ripcord, everyone dies!

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    1. I love that. My favorite poster from my former employer was this:

      [im]http://67.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lywbtntE9H1qkxbero1_400.jpg[/im]
      Didn't stop us from having daily hour meetings, though.

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  43. This is where success motivation plays a big role in the achievement of our goals. Find this

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