Saturday, October 8, 2016

#16 - Your Money Or Your Life!






119 comments:

  1. I would say "I'm married, I ain't got no money"

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    1. "Give me your wallet!"
      Yeah, dude, here's a gift card with $2.87 left on it, a Dave and Buster's game token, and a coupon for buy one appetizer, get one of equal or lesser value free at Applebee's that expired in 2010. Don't spend it all in one place, jackass.

      Delete
  2. Hope that poor slob saved a bullet. His women looks like she means business.

    BTW...thanks for the advice..if I am ever held up, I know know what to say.

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    1. My wife always means business, except when she doesn't. And she was very supportive of this comic, even if it temporarily made her look like an angry harpy. She's not. Well, she's angry, but she's not a harpy.

      Delete
    2. I didn't get that...I thought you were the robbee in the tidy whities....and the robber was married to a not nearly as cute as your wife cartoon is. Usually your wife cartoon looks sweet and adorable. I am cartoon confused this morning..sorry.

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    3. I am the robbee. The gag is that he asked for my money or my life. So I gave him my life. In other words, I let him become me and have my daily life, which is why he's wearing my clothes, working at my job, and going home to my wife (who's nagging him and only served him a TV dinner).

      Delete
    4. OK...totally clear now. It really is unfortunate to be this obtuse AKA stupid. That is perfectly clear now that you have had to walk me through it. (Hanging my head in shame). Let's just pretend I was clever and said something hilarious in my first response.

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    5. Ha! Don't worry about it. Based on the fact that you used the word 'obtuse', I would say you're not anywhere near stupid. Or obtuse.

      I too like to use big words because I am esoteric and often superfluous.

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    6. Big words can be sexy! I once fell in love with a woman just because she used the word "jejune".

      .....Oh, wait. That wasn't me, that was Frasier:

      Frasier: "Cassandra uses the word 'cute' a lot - I'm 'cute', this cafe's 'cute', now the bed's 'cute'. Faye used the word 'jejune' last night."

      ~ D-FensDogG
      'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious American Underground'

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    7. I once knew a woman named Jejune, but she was really not that interesting and the whole story isn't even worth talking about.

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    8. That was my first concern too... "Boy, it Bryan's wife going to be PISSED! If he thinks he's got it bad now..."

      Glad she's in on the joke. For your sake.

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    9. Like the good husband that I am, I ask permission BEFORE I humiliate us on the Internet. Seems to work out better that way.

      Delete
  3. lol I guess robbers these days need to be more specific. But then since they probably rob for a reason, they don't have the brain capacity to think it through.

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    1. Anyone that wanted to rob me was obviously never using their brain in the first place. Here's a credit card that I'm just going to cancel in 10 minutes, a bunch of unnecessarily kept receipts, and no cash, because this is 2016 and who the hell uses cash anymore? Enjoy all of that sweet nothingness.

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  4. Take my life, please. I no longer want to live in a world with a presidential candidate who is a pussy grabber.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Mugger: "Your pussy or your life!"
      I don't think I know how I'd answer that one. Mostly because I don't have a pussy in which to grab.

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    2. I have decided that because I am a celebrity blogger, I'm going out to grab men's balls. If the man suits me--which means he's younger, more slender, and much better looking than I am--then I shall have my way with him.

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    3. I think you're going to be disgusted by just how many men are quite okay with that.

      Delete
  5. You know, you should work with that idea. The taking someone's life thing.

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    1. Wife: "Who the hell is this guy?"
      Me: "He's me now. He paid me $500 for the day, so, you know, just treat him like you would me. Give him the full experience."
      Wife: "Mock him until he sobs in the corner?"
      Me: "Yep, that's it!"

      Delete
  6. I feel really good about my life now...

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    1. In all fairness, it's not THAT bad of a life. I mean, that tv dinner was pretty decent (even if it was cold).

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  7. For better or worse, I've worked a long time to get the life I have now, so I'd let him have my money. Except for my old lucky penny. He has to let me keep that, or I'll put a pissed-off old lady curse on him.

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    1. My life is the result of a pissed-off old lady curse, so I can verify this comment.

      Delete
  8. So do you get to run around holding people up while he does your TPS reports?

    This is sort of like that movie with Dan Akroyd and Richard Pryor?

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    1. Yesterday I actually stabbed a guy over $4 in quarters LOL! This new life is awesome.

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  9. 'Your money or your life!'
    'Wait, either or? If you take my life, you're gonna leave my wallet? What were you going to do anyway, stab me? You're holding that butter knife all wrong, you'll never get between my ribs like that... No, dude, don't run away. Fight me, you pussy, what have you got to lose!'

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    1. I feel like that might just be dumb enough to work.
      "Dammit, dude, stop talking. You're making this weird. And look, it's not a butter knife, it's a shiv. I mean, I usually just bring a switchblade, but I forgot that in my other pants, so I... dammit, stop positioning my hand and showing me how to correctly hold a knife!"

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  10. Muggers! They seem to be upping the ante and want the victim to decide? So once again, those with more money get to choose, those without - they might want to hang on to that money and beat the robbing gene out of that bugger. Oops, mugger.

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    1. Mugging 101: never give your victim a choice. It can only end poorly for you.
      "Give me all your money or you're gonna get hurt!"
      Hmmm, how badly will I be hurt? And how soon? You didn't really give me a timeline in which to work with. And do factor in that I have a relatively high tolerance for pain, so what hurts for some might not... wait, where are you going?

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  11. I think the poor guy got the short end of the stick. lol

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    1. I don't carry cash, anyway, so he was pretty much screwed no matter what option I took.

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  12. "Wait. Lemme see a picture of your wife first... Ok, what's she doing with that skillet? Um, thank you, no. All yours, bro."

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    1. So, like, you don't even want my money, or what? You're just gonna walk away? I feel like this whole interaction has just been one big disappointment after another.

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  13. He should have taken the money but I guess the poor s.o.b. Couldn't even guess correctly and now has harpie wife.

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    1. No one ever said muggers were smart. This is why mugging is a dangerous career path; not because you could end up hurting someone, but because you could end up in a dead end job with a wife you can't stand (which is even worse).

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  14. Since I have no money and my life sucks I'm not sure what's in it for the poor mugger. I'm starting to feel sorry for him.

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    1. "No one would miss me, so I'm not even worth stabbing. Frankly, this has to be a disappointment for you in every aspect, and for that I'm sorry."

      Delete
  15. Replies
    1. "I don't actually carry cash, but I can mail you a check after my next pay day if you can provide me with a valid address."

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  16. Replies
    1. Just wait until he gets mandatory unpaid overtime at work. It really goes to show that crime doesn't pay.

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  17. So, in defense of the wife…

    Do we have a rendering of her post curlers and housecoat?

    See, I'm thinking she's pissed because her "better half" is a loafer, a whiner (or wiener) and possibly holding out in the bedroom.

    Given the excellent, and very modern, shade of purple dye she uses to colour her hair, and her perky boobs (yes, they look perky because they are NOT resting on her housecoat sash) I figure she's young and feisty which means she's in need of a "real" man… just saying… this can be the root of the problem here - not the mugger.

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    1. We have plenty of renderings of her, seeing as how she's my wife. And yep, very hot and also perky. Tis merely a joke at both of our expenses, and she's a good sport about appearing here. In real life she's not a harpy frump (I don't even think she owns curlers or an oversized bathrobe) and I'm not a loafer or a wiener or have a lack of use of one.

      But having a great job and being married to a hot, happy wife wouldn't really sell this joke, would it?

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    2. It's a in the humour - and no, a hot babe wife would have not helped whatsoever. I had to come at this from a different angle as everyone was rooting for the guy. We feisty broads have to stick together.

      Nonetheless I did enjoy giving you boys a little ribbing...

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    3. and that would be... It's "all" in the humour.
      It's late, the wine is flowing and I'm watching Deadpool on Netflix - absolutely killing myself with the sick comic book humour... how did I miss this show...

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    4. I thought we were all rooting for the bag of trash to be finally taken out. It never was, by the way. Some people just never get their fairy tale endings.

      But wine and Deadpool? That sounds like a happily ever after to me.

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    5. So... the Deadpool flick was totally amazing. Worth another viewing - like probably tonight.

      See, I always find these sorts of shows (which I love) with all their special effects and all, are worth several takes, on my part. I love seeing if I can spot glitches.

      As the fruit of my loins is in animation (feature films) business (she designs characters) she's forever telling me of the things only seasoned film folks can spot.

      Hah I say - I'm gonna rip this puppy apart until I find out how they got Ryan Reynolds to make me think he was Ben Afflecks kid bro. Seriously, I gotta get out more!

      It helps that I had wine... lots... just sayin' wine does help. My neck and shoulders think so too.

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    6. I'm no good with animation, but the wife and I love spotting when something's technically wrong in a tv show/movie. Or technically right. Yesterday we were watching a show and pointed out that for possibly the first time ever we saw the character ACTUALLY get a call, because their cellphone was activated and you could see the big red END CALL button by their ear for the entire conversation. Most of the times they're talking into a black screen or just onto the phone's home screen, which is just weird and kind of distracting to me, and I guess no one else ever notices that because they ALWAYS do it.

      Delete
  18. This is brilliant.
    Why would any gangsta wannabe want either, though? It's not as though you have money.

    Pictured here are politicians, but that's NOT my Bernie Sanders in front. That's clearly a GOPer that looks like him.
    [im]http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/74/74228ca18fb76bd87af9732eba324bf6a95e2f33f11075c8c97b0d770ec81935.jpg[/im]

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    1. Ha! Yes, absolutely. "Actually, my account is in the negative, so technically YOU owe ME $37."

      [im]http://s.quickmeme.com/img/9f/9fcff415c023da7f900cf5ee73ed78f4fb68814604f1f3d57549356f55d3fdf7.jpg[/im]

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  19. If he came across me he'd feel shortchanged in whichever one he got off me. Money? Nah, I'm skint. Life? Not really, just treading water till I die!

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    1. Ha! Isn't that the truth? Could anyone pass me some floaties and help a guy out?

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  20. This is a great idea. I swear that half of my days are this bad and it seems like an honorable way out. "You want my life, you poor bastard? HERE!" Maybe people will finally leave me the hell alone if they see me sleeping in a cardboard box in an alley somewhere. This is the stuff of dreams! You have given me hope!

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    1. "You're robbing me because you think I have more money than you? I'm wearing a jacket that I bought in 1999. It used to have letters on it. Color, even. Now it's just a thin white ghost of a jacket. And my pants have a slight hole in the crotch, but if I walk a little rigid you can't see it. Maybe I'll buy more next year when I have jean money. This is how poor I am. *I* should be robbing *you*. Give me everything you've got; pants included!"

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  21. That's what I say when I hear anything about financial identity theft. Ha! Enjoy the tens of thousands in student loans, suckers!!!!

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    1. In order to log onto my student loan debt payment site, you have to enter your account number, your pin, your date of birth, and your social security number. Every single time. It's more secure than any bank or credit card website I've ever been to. And I just laugh, and think who the hell would want to hack into my student loans account? What are you gonna do, pay them off for me? Or open another one? What's another $10k when I'm already $30k in the hole?

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  22. I have a free something or other on my Panera card. That would be the most valuable thing I have in my wallet. But I wouldn't give up my life. Now how my husband would react??? Nah. He'd keep his life too and he never carries his wallet so he'd be in trouble.

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    1. How do you guys pay for anything if one of you doesn't carry anything valuable and the other person doesn't carry a wallet at all? Is this your way of saying you're robbers?

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  23. Hm, difficult choice. Think I would give up my wallet. I don't carry much cash and I could soon cancel my bank cards. Even at my time of life I think I would prefer to keep my life.

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    1. Maybe people should just carry a decoy wallet. That way if they get held up, they can hand over the decoy, and not only do they not lose a thing, but as soon as the robber gets home, they empty the wallet and find nothing but a folded up note that says 'Get a job, jackass'.

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  24. I would definitely give up my wallet. I'm pretty sure this whole Michael thing will turn out alright.

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    1. If it doesn't work out, just let me know and I'll trade you. I've got a vintage Bryan, low miles. These things will run forever, too - 90 years+ (as long as everything's adequately childproofed).

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  25. I think I would also say "my life" and then I'd go on about how depressed I was. They would either kill me or just be completely unable to. Now if they were to ask me for my money or my wife I'd just throw the woman at them and make a run for it. Chivalry is dead so there's no point to me being dead too.

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    1. "Why are you so mad, honey? I just wanted to give you the opportunity to demonstrate to everyone that you're a strong, independent woman, like you're always saying."

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  26. That reminds me of the Jack Benny bit where the robber says, "Your money or your life," and there's a pause, the robber says, "what's it gonna be," and Jack Benny says, "I'm thinking!"

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    1. And that reminds me of the Benny Hill bit where he's getting comically chased to Yakety Sax, which would probably make this mugging 110% more hilarious.

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  27. I know how much money I have. I don't know how much life I've got left. Either way the robber wouldn't be getting all that much.

    Arlee Bird
    Tossing It Out

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    1. I'm pretty sure every American that's commented here has referenced being poor. Maybe we need to outsource our mugging to other countries, so that we can bring in foreign revenue for those who need it most.

      We are masters of foreign policy.

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  28. Outsourse our muggings, trade our lives, or give him the cash we don't have? Ha, ha, ha! 'What's in your wallet? Me: mostly lint.

    I had the experience of an attempted mugging once. I was about nineteen years old, walking along the river in downtown Chicago, on my way to catch the train home. It's broad daylight, not a deserted or desolate spot, but not a lot of people around either. This kid of about 10 yest old come up to me and says; 'hey lady, give me your money or I;m gonna cut you.' I was so stunned, I looked at him and said; 'yeah, you and your ten other invisible friends?' and then I laughed, maybe even a little hysterically. The kid ran away. Ya think maybe I saved him from a life of crime?

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    1. Ha! That's awesome. Yeah, I'm pretty sure you stopped him from ever being able to join a gang. If you have 'couldn't even rob a 19 year old girl' on your crime resume, then chances are good (as the gang folk might say) you ain't shit.

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  29. ...and I just bought expensive wallet to put in my cash but my cash finished paying for that bag!

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    1. Spending all of your money on a container to hold the money you no longer have. I love that!

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  30. B&B:
    Muggings...the easy way of taking back what's not owed to you...LOL.
    ---My money or my life...well, at my age, I've got more life BEHIND me than in front, and I was never wealthy by ANY means (financially-speaking).
    Just keep your mitts off my silver-age comic collection and other assorted collectibles and classic toys, kapeesh?
    (they ARE defended!)
    ---Best rule of thumb about muggings - NEVER walk like a victim and stare at those dubious people as though you'd tear their head off and crap down their neck in a heartbeat.
    (oh, and NEVER do this at ANY law-enforcement officer).

    Good post.

    Stay safe (and sound) out there, guys.

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    1. I live on the hard streets of Broomfield, Colorado, where families have to tear down their bouncy castles extra early so the HOA doesn't penalize them, so trust me when I say that I'm no stranger to mugging attempts.

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  31. That lady is not wearing a brassiere. Which I find oddly alluring. Especially since it's a cartoon. And she's wearing curlers.

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    1. You think the pixels on the outside are nice? You should see the pixels on the inside. DAYUM!

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  32. That lady is not wearing a brassiere. Which I find oddly alluring. Especially since it's a cartoon. And she's wearing curlers.

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  33. So is your wife speaking to you again yet after that flattering caricature?

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    1. Of course she is, because I'm the man and she has to respect me. Also, I asked her permission numerous times before drawing it because I didn't want her mad at me because oooh is that scary.

      Delete
  34. I've often thought if anyone ever tried to rob me, they'd just kill me after they figure out how broke I am, and that I almost never have cash on me. If they don't do me in out of sheer frustration, they'll most likely kill me because I've said something completely sarcastic at precisely the wrong moment. An honorable death, that last one.

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    1. My wife always gets me really cool wallets (first a zombie wallet to celebrate our zombie book, then a Nintendo controller just because) so I'd probably be the guy who got killed arguing about the wallet itself. No, you can't have the damn wallet. I love this thing. You don't even need it. Just take everything else. Where's the cash? What the hell is cash? I don't have any of that. What is this, 1950?

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  35. I think I'd fart if I was being robbed just to see their reaction. Hopefully they wouldn't shoot me for contaminating the environment. Then again, if they're robbing me, the environment is the last thing they'd care about. But maybe...

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    1. I do have this theory that if you act crazy enough, they'll just leave you alone. After you blast one, start disrobing and trying to hand him your clothes. Then start pulling out hairs, one by one. And just chant "I'm giving you everything. I'm giving you everything," like you're demonically possessed.

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  36. Everything falls to the bottom of my purse, so until I found my wallet and started counting out the small bills and change...It would be faster if the robber just asked me to write him a check. Odds are that one of us would end up dead, but I like your ending better!

    Julie

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    1. You could solve that problem easily by carrying a brick in your purse and being that badass lady that beats her mugger to death with just her bag.

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  37. I have no money left to give. All they'd get is some change and some tic tac's. Oh wait. I gave those to Donald.

    So, seriously, how the hell did we end up in this political mess, America? Really, how?

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    1. I would answer your question, but I don't want Hillary to have me murdered or Donald to sue me.

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  38. Every body wants my life. I live on bon bons and float on fluffy clouds from one perfect situation to the next. I suppose I'll just have t find a dollar (maybe in the couch cushions?) to keep in my pocket for these sorts of occasions.

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    1. That's pretty brilliant. "I don't actually carry cash, but here's a dollar I keep just in case of emergency muggings. Don't spend it all on one value menu."

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  39. LOL! Definitely should have taken the money. Thanks for the laugh. Whew! I'd never thought of that threat quite that way.

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    1. Joke's on him; I don't have money either. He wasn't gonna get anything good either way.

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    2. Even better. I know it's nowhere near the same, but I thought of you and this post when I saw this:

      http://cupofjo.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/nyc-muggings-cupofjo.jpg

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    3. Ha! Yes, absolutely. I'm pretty sure my wife would sooner beat a mugger to death with her bag than have to give it up. The police would just show up to a bloody pulp and a woman whimpering over and over again, "Do you have any idea how long it took to find this?"

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  40. LOL! Definitely should have taken the money. Thanks for the laugh

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    1. I'm sure the wife could fetch a pretty penny on the black market.

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  41. Made me laugh way harder than is probably normal. The only thing that would have made it better is if the thief also inherited a massive student debt or something.

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    1. This could have easily been an 8 panel comic. Please, inherit my 5 figure college debt, my lack of affordable health care, and my crippling depression.

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  42. Hahahahahahahaha so true it makes my eyes water. XD

    I like the new drawing style.

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  43. Haha! That's a funny interpretation of taking a life!

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    1. Or maybe an updated, non-cheesy version of "take my wife, please!"

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  44. Replies
    1. The economy has to be terrible on muggers, too. I imagine most muggings now end in both mugger and victim sobbing together while they lament on what it used to feel like to have money.

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  45. This gives "survived by his wife" a whole new nuance. Thanks for that! :)

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    1. Ha! In case anyone's reading this and wondering...

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83yyMAdbrpE&feature=youtu.be&t=1m21s

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  46. Best of luck with the Marathon and promotion!

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    1. Thanks and thanks again! It means a lot that you still managed to stop by while we're simultaneously procrastinating and overworking ourselves!

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  47. This was pretty funny! Thanks for sharing this.


    www.ficklemillennial.wordpress.com

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  48. Hehehe! Even robbers need to be careful what they wish for. And I always take out the trash. Am I not living up to my wifely duties by not hounding my husband to?

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    1. Okay Mrs. Crazy Modern Feminist with your wacky trash-taking-outing, do you also mow the lawn? And does your husband sometimes do laundry and wash dishes? Because that would just be crazy talk.

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    2. Um, yeah, I mow the lawn. But I count it as exercise! My husband does not do laundry or dishes, so we're not crazy. His big job is to scrub the bathtub. See, manly!

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    3. I wash the dishes and do the laundry... I'm not man enough to scrub the tub. :(

      Delete
  49. I watched Creepshow last night and was reminded what a harpy wife really is. (Billy in one of the skits--her husband feeds her to a monster). I felt way better about life after that. I'd kill to have a robber take over the housework and my day job. And my volunteer job, too. Yeah, that's the ticket.

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    1. I've never been fed to a monster, so I guess things could always be worse. Thanks for putting things into perspective! I'm gonna go take out that trash now... before the wife reconsiders...

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  50. Money would've been so much better. haha

    Is that a Lunchable on the table? Looks like one. :P

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    1. Pssh, what do you eat for dinner, Ms. Fancy Pants? Not all of us can afford Chef Boyardee.

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