Thursday, September 22, 2016

#15 - What This Clickbait Said Will Absolutely Underwhelm You





94 comments:

  1. So many of those stupid clickbait articles that are useless trash. I've clicked a few in my day. But who needs those when you got: "I Made $5555.76 working 1 hour a day. You can to!"

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    1. I h­a­v­e j­u­s­t r­e­c­e­i­v­e­d $­21­6­­4­6 T­h­i­s m­o­n­t­h w­o­r­k­i­n­g o­n­-l­i­n­e on my on-line computer. I a­m m­a­k­i­n­g a g­o­o­d h­o­m­e b­a­s­e­d i­n­c­o­m­e w­i­t­h j­u­s­t m­y L­a­p­t­o­p v­a­n­d o­n­l­y wr­k f­o­r 3 t­o 4 h­o­u­r­s a d­a­y wow.
      E­v­e­r­y­b­o­d­y c­a­n M­a­k­e t­h­i­s p­a­r­t t­i­m­e i­n­c­o­m­e f­r­o­m h­o­m­e wich is Why so Many ppl work at McDonalds.

      J­u­s­t V­i­s­i­t T­h­i­s l­i­n­k f­o­r m­o­r­e i­n­f­o.­.­----->> http://shiiiit.com/

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    2. ^ That was us. We just figured we should make that as authentic as possible. It's like we're in the Facebook comment section of your local news rag!

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    3. Authentic as can be now. But want about the sob story?

      I'm a mother of 5 and could barely feed my family, until one day I found this amazing software. Now I can work as little as I want and have the life I always dreamed of. You can too! Just click here. Absolutely no money up front. Just put in your credit card information and you are ready to go. Don't delay. Get the life you always dreamed of now.

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    4. XXX women who are looking for hot sex in your area tonight.

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    5. I are lonely and want a sex! Do you think I have a nice boob? See all my sexy foto here goo.gl/scam

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    6. Now maybe we're done? Probably not.

      What are we doing with our lives?

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    7. I've been hired to find you. My client has no close relatives and you are their last remaining descendant. She would like to share her fortune with you before she passes. But for verification purposes please send me your name, social security number, date of birth and two pieces of photo ID.

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    8. Nope, not done.

      We must be proving we're in need of quick cash and sex? Or the internet thinks so anyway.

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    9. Don't read this. U will be kissed on the nearest possible Friday by ur crush. Tommorow will be the best day of ur life. Now u started reading this don't stop this is soooo freaky. If u ignore this than u will get hit by a truck and ur mom will get AIDS. Put this on 15 comments in 144 mins n when u are done press alt + f4 and ur crushes name will appear in big letters on the screen this is so freaky it totally works i wish my mom didnt have AIDS tho

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    10. Don't forget lazy 90s-style chain letter comments where the user clearly doesn't understand how computers work.

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    11. But wait, there's more. For just $99.99 you'll learn this explosive secret that no one in the world knows about(except you schmucks who bought this 3 page book, 90% of which was a disclaimer). It will totally change your world.

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    12. I forgot about those stupid chain letter things, ugg.

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  2. That's six minutes of your life you'll never get back...
    You're lucky. Most of those are selling something.

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    1. Our computers are barricaded with ad blocking programs, so instead of losing our money, we just purely lose brain cells.

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  3. BEER BOYS, I actually saw that very clickbait come-on about a week ago. I didn't click on it though because I was already aware that even Ice Cube with his powerful, astonishing 70-IQ brain is not capable of swaying me against voting for Donald Trump in November. (Yeah, I'm Deplorable that way.)

    The clickbait that finally cured my habit of stupidly clicking on clickbait was the one about dead celebrities and their last words. It featured a photo of Don Knotts as Barney Fife. Of course you KNOW I had to know what Barney's last words were, so I clicked on it...

    After having to click my way through 30 separate pages of mostly uninteresting "last words", I finally reached the end and found that the last words of Don Knotts / Barney Fife (whatever they may have been) were not even included in the ad-filled feature.

    I haven't gotten suckered into one of those clickbait traps since then. UHP! Even an IDIOT learns his lesson sometimes.

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Deplorable'

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    1. Yeah, what is it with clickbait using pictures for something that's not even featured in the article? Or pictures that are just plain lies? Like this gem.

      [im]http://i.imgur.com/GGrvG7W.jpg[/im]

      (That's Elijah Wood and Mischa Barton, two completely different people and obviously not transgender)

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  4. So why do I do it!? Why do I fall for the bait every time?!

    File that with the mystery of why girls like bad boys and boys like bimbos.

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    1. We both have always hated stupid women. Maybe we're not real men. Maybe we're something different entirely. What we actually are will both shock and dumbfound you.

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  5. I keep falling for the one that says that the woman from Mike and Molly is dead.

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    1. They killed Swoosie Kurtz? What the hell did that national treasure ever do to anyone?

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  6. Clickbait is really, really good writing, in the dirtiest kind of way. The articles underneath the clickbait though, not so much.
    Also, clickbait isn't in my computer's dictionary yet. Such unprogressive red squiggly lines.

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    1. Neither is the word raccoons. Are they saying more than one raccoon cannot exist? That's bullshit.

      Delete
  7. The worst part about clickbait isn't so much having to read it for me, it's having to write it. I make it a policy to just never read anything with a clickbait headline. But when I have to write it I just feel dirty inside. Not the good kind of dirty either.

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    1. What I Did To Sell My Soul Will Crush You. #14 Made Me Vomit Blood. You'll Never Believe What I Have To Do To Sleep At Night.

      (Hopefully it's not that bad)

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  8. Clickbait . . on a few I've clicked on, once I back out, I get a warning on the laptop that some nasty cookies have been cleaned off the pc. The ones I notice are placed in the sidebars so our peripheral vision sees them and says to the brain, 'hey, what's that shiny thing over there?' Eye candy lures. . .
    BTW - stupidity knows no gender, it runs through every culture and country in the world. Only the quantities differ.

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    1. I just love how they're on legitimate news sites now as 'sponsored news stories'. It's on the sidebar, sure, but how badly does the local newspaper needs ad revenue that they need to promote 'What These Child Actors Look Like Now Is Horrifying! #37 Is Unrecognizable!' (picture is of a morbidly obese woman with some kind of medical issue)?

      And no nasty cookies here, thankfully. Our computers are both fortified with enough e-condoms to make Leslie Nielsen himself proud.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YFC0O393DQ

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  9. You'll never believe what Brandon and Bryan said about Ice Cube!

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    1. [im]http://i.imgur.com/OwUXF4s.png[/im]

      SOMEONE APPLY COLD WATER TO THAT BUUUURN

      Delete
  10. I hate myself when I get sucked into them. They are always stupid and are always 30+ separate pages that you have to click through. When I'm finished (if my add doesn't force me to give up before I've even seen the one I wanted to see) I always feel bad about myself like I've wasted a huge chunk of my life that I'll never get back.

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    1. No matter how intelligent you are, it's still so easy to get trapped by one of these sumbitches. It always starts with an interesting picture or factoid, and of course, the one you're curious about is on page 34 of the 33 page 'slideshow'. You've stolen my clicks, and you've stolen 6 minutes of my life, but you can't have my dignity, clickbait!

      Oh, wait, I just clicked on 'You Never Knew These Celebrities Were In Incestual Relationships'. You totally have my dignity.

      Delete
  11. Yep, I think I'm gonna see something amazing and have to click through 10 pages in order to find out what all was said and it turns out to be something stupid.

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    1. I can't tell if clickbait writers are just lazy or don't have a lot of material to work with, because there's a ton of good, clever zingers out there, but I've now learned that anything akin to "This person completely shuts up that person in just one sentence!" is usually just something mind-numbingly stupid and often just juvenile.

      "This Gay Actor Shuts Up This Bigoted Homophobe In Just Four Words!"
      Bigot: lol ur a faget
      Gay actor: lol no u r

      THAT'S NOT CLEVER OR WORTH POSTING ABOUT

      Delete
  12. Thus I type in some key words to google, and if I hit anything legit, I read it. Otherwise, it's "Junk Mail". And we know what happens to that, right?


    "Social media going nuts after man rips up junk mail- You won't believe what happened next!"

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    1. Well, what the hell happened next, Chris? You can't leave us hanging like that! I'm sure you have a 30 page slideshow leading to the no doubt epic conclusion.

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  13. you guys have come a long way :)

    p.s - these brangelina click baits are killing me

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    1. I think my current favorite of those is "Who Brad Pitt Has Slept With Will Shock You."

      The dude is pretty much the poster boy for pretty-boy actor, even at his age now. I wouldn't be surprised by ANYONE on that list, unless she somehow looked like this. THEN I'd be shocked.

      [im]https://heavyeditorial.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/honey-boo-boo.gif[/im]

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  14. I'd like to see someone endorse both candidates in the same sentence and see the reaction.

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    1. My brain just exploded at the very thought.

      "Hillary Clinton Just Praised Donald Trump On This. What Trump Does Next To Thank Her Will Make You Wish You Could Vote For Both Of Them At Once."

      Delete
  15. Gawd yeah, I'm a total sucker for clickbait too, especially if it's about Tom Hiddleston. Love your twitchy eyeball!

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    1. "These 87 Disappointing Tom Hiddleston GIFs Will Mirror Just How You Feel About This Slideshow."

      Slide 1:
      [im]http://66.media.tumblr.com/d9e65c657d2475c1944eab20da0ab28b/tumblr_my2h6jcPhd1rrvd4vo1_500.gif[/im]

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  16. Clickbait, huh? That's a new word for me, but I love it, because it's a perfect description of what those ads are and try to get us to do. Tell ya what, the string of comments on this post are lots better than the un-newsworthy Ice Cube tweet. AND I didn't have to do searching to find them...

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    1. Yep, that is the technical term for this kind of digital swill. These places don't give a hot damn about writing quality, they just want to steal your clicks any way they can to make ad revenue. Thus the intriguing (and often misleading) headlines.

      So... about this ad revenue... how the hell do we get some of that? We actually HAVE content here.

      What These Two Idiots Posted About Made Them Millions.
      (If only that story were true)

      Delete
  17. Yeah, I see a lot of videos on youtube like that too. "Jon Stewart DESTROYS Bill O'Reily in interview. He reaches down his throat and rips his heart right out of his chest cavity and shows him to his FACE how black it is until O'Reily finally breaks down in tears and admits that his mother never loved him!!!!"

    I fall for them more than I should as well.

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    1. I think what's best about those is that the winner often just depends on whose "side" you're on, because chances are good some republican uploaded that same video and called it, "Bill O'Reilly rips off Jon Stewart's head and shits down into his open throat wound (with words)."

      Delete
    2. I think what's best about those is that the winner often just depends on whose "side" you're on, because chances are good some republican uploaded that same video and called it, "Bill O'Reilly rips off Jon Stewart's head and shits down into his open throat wound (with words)."

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    3. Exactly. At best, it's usually a draw. There's never that defining moment where "Finish Him!" appears on the screen in blood and everything goes a little dark. All that really happens is one of them gets a little flustered and raises their voice for five seconds. If the title says "DESTROYED" I want to see destroyed. I want to see nothing left but a wisp of smoke left in their and just a hint of cheap cologne lingering in the air.

      Shitting down someone's open throat wound (with words) would be a great finishing move, though. I pictuing someone just squatting down over the person's neck and letting loose a torrent of words in different fonts and fancy calligraphy.

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    4. I... I have to draw that. I just have to. Consider that idea, uh, borrowed.

      My favorite of those is when the title says something like, "Bill O'Reilly destroys Jon Stewart with something that leaves him utterly speechless." But then when you watch, Bill O'Reilly just says something really, really dumb, and Jon Stewart pauses and wrinkles his brow in confusion while he absorbs a statement so idiotic and so off-topic that it takes the utmost mental preparation to even respond.

      Delete
  18. I never, but never, go on Twitter anyway. IMHOP you get what you deserve LOL

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    1. Damn! You zinged us a thousand times harder than Ice Cube "zinged" Trump.

      Headline: "This Comment Will Amaze You. Jo Completely Crushes These Two Beer Boys With Just One Sentence."

      Delete
  19. But Ice Cube, man. That is clickbait alone. I never click on random things. If I don't have a purpose for clicking something, I won't, but usually that purpose can end up taking me on a demented two hour tour through the Googles.
    [im]http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/SS-Minnow.jpg[/im]

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    1. At the end of that two hour tour, I hope you can at least build a radio out of a coconut and a string. If nothing else, The Googles are a great way to help you learn how to make something you never knew you wanted to make.

      [im]https://media.giphy.com/media/7IqyTHR6jJ5h6/giphy.gif[/im]

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  20. I figured it was real, because you guys would never write anything so bad.

    I give 1/2 point to whomever created a supposed ad about Brangelina's divorce. When you click on it, it encourages you to register to vote. I know this because, um, a friend told me.

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    1. "Hillary Clinton is incredibly sick... and tired of hearing about the Brangelina scandal! Vote Hillary 2016!"

      Delete
  21. I don't even know what click bait is. Have I wasted my time about crap that has sucked out a piece of my soul....um, yeah. Now the next thing will be all about Brad and Angelina and what Jennifer Anisten says.....my brains are seeping out as I write this.

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    1. Yep, that's clickbait. Just anything that baits you into clicking on it, even though it's complete garbage.

      Example:
      "What Jennifer Aniston Said About Brad And Angelina Will Blow Your Mind!"
      Article: a ton of hype, back story, blah blah blah.
      Jennifer's comment: "I'd rather just not talk about it."
      Article: Wow, what a class act, right! She's willing to take the high road and keep her opinion to herself! You go, gurl!

      And in the end, it's an entire article about nothing. That is clickbait.

      Delete
  22. I've gotten better at not clicking the clickbait, but still sometimes forget and do it anyway. As long as no one is looking I only embarrass myself.

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    1. I hate when I do that alone, and then close out, and I can see my reflection in the blackness of the screen. And I'm just staring at myself like, "Is this what I've become?"

      Delete
  23. If it has the words, 'you won't believe this' I know to not bother. It's leading to a page full of ads and who knows what. Or 'see what happens when...' is invitation to a page with 16 talking ads that take forever to load. Nope.

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  24. Yep, I recently read a headline about a rapper who "laid the smack-down" some people who were defending a blackface incident. I thought theat meant an airtight, logically ingenious set of arguments. What it really was was the rapper listing every point the defenders made and then following them with comments like "Nope," "Fuck off" and "This isn't the 1800s."

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    1. You know you suck at roasting people when you can't even successfully burn someone who's defending blackface. And really, when did just telling someone to fuck off become some epic burn?

      "Donald Trump shut down Hillary Clinton at the debates with just TWO WORDS."
      Hillary Clinton: (Elegant, well thought out statement)
      Donald Trump: Fuck you, beeeeetch.
      (crowd goes wild)
      ((Trump is elected in a landslide))

      Delete
  25. I saw that exact same clickbait, fell for it, and felt like a complete idiot. There's one with Jennifer Lawrence - an entire article framed around J-Law's message for Donald Trump which was basically a 3 second video of her saying "F*ck you!" I enjoyed it and all, but... really? That deserved its own article? It was barely enough for a Vine.

    You have to wonder how much of our lives we waste on clickbait. Yeah, we could cure cancer or solve global warming instead...but these links aren't gonna click themselves.

    The Pedestrian Writer

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    1. You know, what kills us is that it's NOT that hard to zing Donald Trump. He's a walking caricature of a person. But if all you have to offer the world is a lazy "fuck you", then please step away from the soap box and leave the roasting to the insult comics. That's not clever or even original.

      On that note, if people want zingers, why not just follow around someone like Jeffrey Ross for a week? He could probably write 100 of those articles in a single day, and actually produce something worth laughing/applauding/cringing/all of the above over.

      Delete
  26. Fortunately, I don't do clickbait. I also don't pay attention to celebrities when it comes to politics either. I leave that to those who have IQ's that averages their shoe size and their waist/bra size.

    Father Nature's Corner

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    1. You mean like that lame video Joss Whedon put together where a bunch of celebrities tell us we shouldn't vote for Donald Trump just because he's a celebrity, so anyway, here's a bunch of celebrities telling you who to vote for?

      Delete
  27. Everything on the Internet "news and entertainment" sites is pretty much clickbait, today. I recently saw the headline "Melissa McCarthy says her tearful goodbyes...and she's only 45." What the what? Is she dying???? No, she was saying goodbye to her TV show Mike and Molly. And we should care? Why?

    I love that you inserted the "6 minutes of pointless hype". Invariably when I do click on something, it brings up some video that has a commercial and instead of me just moving along...I continue the idiocy by waiting to find out that the video is a video of someone reading the article that appears below the video. Because this is nearly always the case, am I to assume that the majority of people that use the Internet have lost the ability to read.

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    1. Yeah, apparently there's no ethics in clickbait (who'da thunk) and lies/trickery is the name of the game. As posted above, it's just amazing when you see one that is a blatant lie. Something like this.

      [im]https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-imxue5lYoHM/VzppPP411gI/AAAAAAAAL_4/xcODvoaFuvQB-kJIDQL-UilvstfLO_wAACLcB/s1600/Lying-click-bait-7.jpg[/im]

      The first one is two different people, who are obviously not transgender, and the second one is very much not dead (even if he kinda looks it in the picture).

      And don't get me started on those stupid video articles. I think the most annoying is when you see a link that says something like, "Here's a hilarious picture of a cat riding a motorcycle!" Yes, I would like to see that. I click it, and it's a 5 minute long video of some dumbass describing the picture... and you only get a 2 second shot of it toward the end.

      I JUST WANT TO SEE THE DAMN PICTURE.

      Delete
    2. What a coincidence...that article talks about the clickbait of 30 celebrities that have committed suicide but uses the picture of Angus T. Jones. I totally fell for that one a couple of weeks ago and worked thru 30 slides thinking Angus was now dead. I (please fain surprise) am an idiot.

      Delete
  28. The promise of fun facts, amazing information or celebrity boobs! Click bait will always be around as long as there are gullible idiots like me to click.

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    1. At least we can all admit we're gullible idiots. Denial isn't a pretty look for anyone.

      Delete
  29. "Doh! How did I miss this one?!?" Nope, I'll never admit to being sucked in.

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    1. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. What the second step actually turns out to be may surprise you.

      Delete
  30. Man, is it terrible that I knew that tweet was real before the asterisk? DAMN YOU INTERNET.

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    1. I wonder just how many of us got duped by that headline, expecting some epic burn. In the end, we're the only ones who got burned. :(

      Delete
  31. I've mentioned this before to someone...but I honestly created a Twitter account only to see the crazy tweets between...those who want to rule our country. Wasn't as entertaining as I thought.
    That's however a first in politics.
    I haven't had the Twitter app since he's calmed down.
    You can't even blame me...Lol. I'm still to ignorant for Twitter, I don't get it....

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    1. That seems like it's fun and hilarious until you realize that only about 1/10th of his tweets are wacky. The rest are "I'm totally srs business now you guys." I guess that means we just have to go back to using Twitter for what it was truly intended for: mean-Tweeting random celebrities for no reason until they block us.

      YEAH, FUCK YOU, JOHN MAYER.

      Delete
  32. Click-bait articles get me more than I'd like to admit. And I hate myself for falling for it every time.

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    1. You seem pretty smart, so it makes us feel better that you fall for them too. We're dumbasses, but we'd like to think we're not THAT dumb...

      ...And then we click on something like the above.

      Delete
  33. ABFS:
    I hate those bait articles...as much as I hate sex spam I never asked for, Canadian pharms I never wanted, and sundry "shopping" emails for places I've never visited and items I wouldn't buy.
    Thank God we have all this technology, though...right?
    Good post.'

    Stay safe out there, guys.

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    1. According to the Internet, I'm lonely, I have a small dick, and I constantly need a payday loan. Why do I like the Internet again?

      Delete
  34. Yes! I'm not the only one suckered by headlines. It's awful and drives me crazy.

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    1. I hate being honest and naive. When I'm promised an epic burn, I expect an epic burn.

      Delete
  35. LOL! Back to work you. No more killing time with links!

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  36. I think I'm pretty astute about avoiding clickbait, and then I get so mad at myself when I click on something I think may actually be a legit bit of news, only to find out I've been caught in it. Zero substance and about three words per page, with constant pop-ups. UGH. My eye twitch matches yours.

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    1. Maybe that's just my pathetic excuse for being suckered into these things, but some of them - SOME of them - almost make it look like it's coming from a real news site. We've already learned our lessons with e-sewers like Buzzfeed and Upworthy and all of those other clickfarms*.

      *I just imagine poor little digital elves in a chain gang all being forced to mine clicks in a mine shaft that is very dark and very cold

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  37. Clickbait is legitimately infuriating. It's gotten to the point I actively try to avoid it.

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    1. We try to avoid it too, but sometimes a friend will share one on Facebook and make it seem like something that was genuinely worth sharing... This is why we do not have many (digital) friends.

      Delete
  38. I just heard about Katy Perry's clickbait stunt: posing naked to get people to vote. Really?

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    1. OMG you guys, like voting is super important, because that's how laws get did, and those are what make you pay those things called taxes and stuff. I don't know, I have a guy for those LOL it really doesn't affect me.

      Delete