Friday, July 1, 2016

Misguided Reviews: Live and In Color, Part II, This Time It's Personal (With a Vengeance)

Sorry, folks, but we don't have any comics for you today. If that's what you want, you'll have to head over to familycircus.com and see if Bil Keane is still slaughtering comedy from beyond the grave.

Instead of crappy 'drawrings', we can offer you not just one, but TWO videos today. One of them is even ours.

Our writer friends S.K. Anthony and Raymond Esposito run a YouTube series called Writers After Dark, where they talk all things writing while cracking wise, drinking, and vaping (WE GET IT BRO, YOU VAPE). Their most recent topic: misguided reviews, aka Amazon reviews of a novel that make about as much sense as putting an angry orange man or a corpse in a pantsuit in charge of our country. Writers After Dark put out a request for hilarious misguided reviews from other authors, so Bryan submitted a video of two of our favorites. He makes an appearance in the show, which you can see right here.


His part was edited for the sake of time, so if you want to see what he said in its entirety and what fun, off-color things got cut out, his video is below.


Now, we both know he's no Pewdiepie. He can't make loud noises or funny faces or yell at his computer while pretending like he's surprised by a video game, but hopefully this is mildly entertaining.

Oh, and yes, these are real reviews.

5 people actually found this helpful? God help us all.












Fun fact: if you click on the reviewer's profile, you'll see that she just spends all day long giving books terrible review after terrible review, to the point that we both question why she even bothers reading anything at all anymore if she just hates everything she reads.







So, you know, we don't like to brag, but someone did call for one of our books to be banned, so that makes us kind of a big deal.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: Sancho
Beer: Anchor's Mango Wheat

92 comments:

  1. If your book is ban-worthy, then it's already on the level of the great theological works. Congratulations!
    Honestly though, I have a hard time imagining disliking something so much that I actually write up a negative review on it. That's means it's so bad you want to prevent others from buying it, *and* also find it justified to give the creator negative publicity. It's just, like, your opinion man.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You know, we don't mind negative reviews. They're part of the territory. If you put your work out into the world to be seen, then criticism will come with it. Besides, it's good to know whether a book truly is good or not. If every single book on Amazon was full of glowing reviews, how'd you know which ones were good and which ones were bad?

      Like the two Kardashian kids, who "wrote" a book: this deserved every single bad review it got.

      And we understand that different people like different kinds of books, but what we find funny is when people get so angry about it that it becomes personal. We've gotten a few reviews that say something like, "This book was so horrible, I don't even know how it got published. The writing is the absolute worst I've ever seen in my life and I don't understand how the publishers think they have any talent for writing whatsoever. They should stop immediately because they have no future in it at all!"

      We just laugh and think, wow, that's a really crude way to say, "This wasn't my particular type of book."

      Delete
  2. Years ago, I had a friend post a review on your Missing Link book warning other readers that the title was misleading and complaining that it wasn't about primate evolution at all. I am disappointed that you didn't choose that one.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh, that was YOUR friend that did that? We never did send our apology letter to poor Jerry Larson. Or ask if he had any relation to Gary Larson. You sure have a lot of mysterious disappearing friends. You aren't the Bermuda Triangle, are you?

      Sadly, we only had time to do two, so we had to narrow it down to the two dumbest, and ol' Jerry just didn't seem all that dumb. In fact, he seemed a bit witty with that review. Plus, it was a positive review. Can't be angry about that.

      Delete
  3. I organized a rally to burn ALL your books...a few hundred people standing around a bonfire with their Kindle devices, not really sure what to do.

    I guess we need to develop a very specific strain of malware...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Sadly, you can't burn a Kindle. You can only burn the smaller version, known as the Kindling.

      Yeah, I'll show myself out.

      Delete
  4. Those can be added to the fact that Shadow Spinner had too much sex in it.

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    1. I thought that the scene with the parents engaging in a 4 hour love making session was in good taste and drove the plot, but honestly, the goblin orgy was a little gratuitous and I'm not sure it did much to serve the story.

      Delete
    2. Oh, no, the goblins are a metaphor of modern society. It's entirely required or the point of the book is lost.
      As are the goblins.

      Delete
  5. If there's a zombie apocalypse, we might have to burn all your books to defend ourselves.
    I watched that this morning. Sometimes people just blow your mind.
    And did you guys go see the MST3K Reunion Show? If not, you have to catch the replay in a couple weeks. Funniest thing I've ever watched in the movie theater! My face and sides hurt when I left.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. In a zombie apocalypse, I'd save the books and just skip straight to a good ol' fashioned tire fire. Those last longer than a few measly books. Sure, it's terrible for the environment, but if zombies are rampaging the earth, I feel like that's the least of our problems.

      And we did not see it, but now I'm very eager to. I could use a good face/side pain that doesn't involve spousal abuse.

      Delete
  6. Minus 5 stars? Does that mean that stars have to be taken from another review to make up the deficit? Seems unfair. Won't someone think of the children!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Get enough of those piling up, and you create chaos. I hear once you reach -100 stars, they send a guy named Guido to your house to break your legs if you can't pony up all those stars you owe Don Amazon (plus interest).

      Delete
  7. Thanks for being such good sport, Bryan!!!! We loved having you over for the fun . . . and the rant! ;)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You think that rant was fun? Just wait till next time when you hear what I think about the government and "kids these days". Is 3 and a half hours of nonstop yelling an acceptable video length?

      Delete
    2. 3 and half hours is great! We're sure to use 2 minutes at least LOL . . . Nah we use most of it, whether it's in one episode or ten ;) But do be careful of asking for galactic wars or anything else behind you again. You WILL get it. :P

      Delete
    3. Next time I'd like to be reporting live from The Fires of Hell.

      You heard it here first.

      Delete
    4. Don't say that, Bryan. The Writers After Dark gang took an announcement video I'd made for work and turned it into me reporting from the Fires of Hell, while telling people we're "eating their tiny souls" when talking about VBS for our church kids. It was THE BEST. I had flames coming from my eyes. Nothing at all like the original. Made me wish I really did have flame eyes . . .

      Delete
    5. You're right, I shouldn't say that. I wouldn't ever want flame eyes.

      I want laser eyes.

      Delete
  8. Too many 'reviewers' think it's all about them. They forget the creative aspect which is what the Writer has spent his blood, sweat and tears (maybe not all of those) to produce. The Book is what is important and I never read joe or jane whats-his-name's review anyway. It's only THEIR opinion, one opinion. And even the New York Times gets it wrong sometimes, again, it's ONE opinion. Meh!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, it really is funny when a reviewer makes the review all about them. If we had more time, we would have talked about the one review we got where a woman hated the book simply because the storyline reminded her of something that happened to her in high school that was really unpleasant. So, you know, rather than just stop reading the book because it upset her, she finished the entire thing, and then gave it a 1 star review on Amazon that consisted of 2 whole paragraphs describing this 'traumatic event'. The review contained nothing about the book at all.

      We're sorry that happened, but... what the hell does that have to do with our book? And why the fuck are you taking that out on us?

      Delete
  9. B&B:
    First off, good to actually "see" half of a great team.
    (sounds like me when I was a lot younger...kinda scary, huh?)

    Second, I'm also of the belief that the people who "review" are more concerned about THEIR OWN Andy Warhol time within the Internet, rather than actually knowing what it is TO review anything (let alone a book).
    And while ALL books, stories, novels, vignettes, etc. can't be Thoreau's Walden or Shakespeare's Macbeth, they may be every bit as good when taken in the proper CONTEXT, and that can mean they weren't MEANT to be "classics" (in well, the classical sense), but something the authors wanted to do. Kinda academic to me, anyway.
    Face it, George Romero is NOT Cecil B. DeMille, but it's still good stuff.

    Liked the videos a lot.

    Have yourselves a great holiday weekend (I know, it's really MONDAY, so sue me...LOL).

    And do stay safe out there.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. So what you're saying is that I'm going to ultimately turn into you? OH GOD NO WHY THE HUMANITY!

      (Kidding)

      Thanks for the kind words, and we couldn't agree with you more! Neither of us are even pretending to be Thoreau or Shakespeare, so comparing us to them isn't just like comparing apples to oranges, it's like comparing apples to chocolate bars. Of course they're not the same. Of course one is way better for you. But when I'm in the mood for some great junk food, you'd better damn well believe I don't want an apple.

      Delete
  10. Your books should definitely be banned just like these others. You know the ones. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee, The Call of the Wild, Catch-22, The Catcher in the Rye, For Whom the Bell Tolls, Gone With the Wind, The Grapes of Wrath, The Great Gatsby, In Cold Blood, Moby-Dick, To Kill a Mockingbird, and numerous others that were so bad they made movies from some of them. I'm not saying your books should be as banned as those were, but you are in good company and should be proud that someone wants to ban your work. That in itself could make you wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. Well, maybe not your WILDEST.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. My wildest dreams include a swimming pool full of spaghetti and ten Swedish bikini models entering - only one leaving - so we'll just stick to the tame dreams. But thanks, though!

      Delete
  11. I can see why you liked MY review now... I myself try to tough it out through any book I start, though I'll admit that The Tommyknockers was a chore- and unfulfilling; Rabbit Is Rich went into the trash about halfway through; and I can only read about three chapters of Kissenger's White House Years in a 6-month span or else I get overloaded with the self-congratulatory tripe that the actual interesting stuff is woven into. Oh, and I started the Gulag Archipelago years ago, and pretty much found that if you read one dozen or so page section, you've read them all.

    Dang! Maybe I should see if Annie Athens has written a book...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. If you want to read something really awful, that you will definitely not be able to finish, that will just make you lose all faith in humanity, read 120 Days of Sodom. That thing makes Fifty Shades of Grey look like the Disney Channel.

      Delete
  12. Now that is a damn good review and maybe a face for radio? :P

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Compared to the horse-faced Stephen King and Dean Koontz, who looks like Justin Bieber's child molester uncle, I'm pretty much Brad Pitt, so I'm not even mad.

      Delete
  13. Whoah!!! Did you describe your drawrings with the adjective "crappy"??? I beg to disagree my artistic friends.... I like your drawrings.

    The videos were great fun to watch. Now that you are in the big leagues by the fact someone wants your book banned, I think you should want some reviews crabbing about your font. Why should other authors get accused of the illicit using of comic sans font but no one is pointing out your font. Do font haters not buy your book?

    Just a quick question Bryon, do you only use fun accents when reading bad **cough cough** ...idiot... reviews or do you read all reviews with accents? No particular reason I need to know this...just thought it was cute.

    As for negative reviews, in general...there seem to be a certain amount of people that just feel the need to be haters and feel self-important enough to think that someone out there really gives a shit what they think. Anytime someone starts a book review with I haven't read the book (part or all) but....tells me that they have no clue what they are talking about.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. If they thought that Comic Sans font was bad, you should see our next novel. It's written entirely in Wingdings.

      I guess I always do voices when I read things. Hell, I'll take requests for next time. Chris Walken? Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees? Fran Drescher? I have no real shame when it comes to any form of public speaking.

      Delete
  14. Oopsie...I just realized that I mis-typed Bryan's name. Don't want the guy that noticed the "sate" instead of "state" to lose his mind over my lack of typing skills.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'm good with it as long as you don't spell it Byron, Brian, or God help us, the worst of them all, Brain. And yes, the latter has occurred way more than I'd care to remember.

      Delete
  15. There are all kinds of reviewers out there. But it seems like there are a few reviewers out there that really like writing negative reviews. Must make them very happy since that's all they seem to write. Just laugh at it.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh, we do. We have a really thick skin when it comes to reviews. We just take solace in knowing we're not miserable enough people to spend our entire day shitting on other people's books.

      Delete
  16. lmao well now you are in the big leagues if they want your book banned. Out of left field negative reviews are just weird, but good negative ones are fine. The only time I leave a negative review is if it is some major Hollywood turd, i.e. Die Hard 5, other than that I hardly bother. Even the most popular authors have shitty reviews, so they come to us all. The negative nelly's always have to find something to whine about though.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yep, exactly. We've gotten a few low rated reviews from people that said they just didn't care for the book, wasn't their style of humor, etc., and that's perfectly fine. We respect that. What we find ridiculous is when people try to point out things that were "wrong" in our writing like we're some schmucks. One chick used a whole paragraph to rant about the way we used one certain description, and gave examples of what she would have said instead.

      Yeah, lady, that's great and all, but we don't come to your job and knock the dick out of your hand.

      Delete
  17. I confess, I'm jealous someone thought your book was ban-worthy. You should definitely market the book with that! All the one star reviews of my books are lame. I did have one that said "Worst thing ever!" but I was disappointed to discover she had said the same thing about several other books.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hmm, we need to find a good way to market that...

      "This book should be banned, and I don't ever say that!" - Angry old woman yelling at the internet

      Also, someone should email that worst thing ever chick and ask her to clarify since she apparently seems to hate everything.

      Delete
  18. Wow you are right up there with the classics. I'm glad I can say I knew you all before you're books were being banned and even own most of them (probably all of them really). I love the comment under the review that said it was the best publicity you could get. Congratulations I'm proud of you:

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thanks! Who'd have ever thought a ban would be the most flattering thing we could ever get for one of our books? I'll tell you what, the day someone stages a book burning of one of our titles is the day we call our mothers in tears and say, "Mom, we've made it!"

      Delete
  19. Welcome to internet reviews, either someone thinks Zeus made it himself or its worse than cancer.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. "This is the greatest thing since cancer!" - Zeus, who doesn't understand how reviews work

      Delete
  20. Some people seem to get their jollies out of writing scathing reviews, and the funny thing is, more often than not, their reviews are full of misspellings and grammatical errors. (So much for THEM writing a "better book.") The only one-star review I've ever written was for a book published about a year or so after Michael Crichton died. According to the publisher, he had allegedly written most of it, and a co-writer just "finished" it. Yeah, right. Crichton would have NEVER written a book that full of scientific errors. It really ticked me off that the publisher put that piece of garbage out to cash in on Crichton's name.

    One dude in Morocco left a one-star rating on Goodreads for my book. My book isn't even SOLD in his country. (Then again, if he had read it, he probably wouldn't have appreciated there being a gay guy in it, or the interracial relationship... so maybe I kinda deserved the one star.)

    Hey! If this writing gig doesn't work out for ya, you could always make videos. (Nice job!)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. If you think the Crichton book is depraved, you should see the new "Tom Clancy" novels they're coming out with. Oh, that's right, Tom Clancy died 3 years ago, but that hasn't stopped the publishers from cashing in on his name!

      [im]https://scontent.fsnc1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/10483853_865600406817337_1190450920364674975_n.jpg?oh=817d97f426410737ef3f07d31057e8f3&oe=57F1BF03[/im]

      And thanks! Apparently there's money in YouTube. Lots of it. Neither of us have any idea how to find any of that money, but who would have ever thought that yelling at your webcam was a lucrative career path?

      Oh, and your book contains both a gay guy AND an interracial relationship? Expect two one-star reviews, POST HASTE!

      Delete
  21. Wow, I've never known someone who actually wrote a banned book. I'm really hoping you get that dream. Does anyone inside the educational field realize how many more teenagers would like to read if they were assigned a book with dick jokes in instead of reading about dysfunctional families living through hard times? I taught high school for a lot of years and I think schools work perfectly to turn kids off of reading and writing. Give them some banned books to read! Where's Tuck Watley to fight for our reading freedom?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yes, exactly! My cohort and I both have always loved reading and writing. And we both hated reading in school, because they always shoved those incredibly dry, depressing classics down our throats. Kids don't want to read that. That doesn't make them "appreciate" writing. It makes them resent it. They then think that books must be boring and wonder why anyone would bother reading.

      It's a shameless plug, but I bet kids would love reading something like Tuck Watley. It's funny, it's modern, it's relevant, and you can still ask them questions like "What is the real message behind this?" and "Can you explain the satire?" and "Can you explain the physics of death by swirly?"

      Delete
  22. To add to your last comment, Bryan, I'm certain that the millennials (e.g. millions of Berners) would LOVE Tuck. It has all the good stuff to enjoy and perhaps a scene or two that should be banned for all time.

    It was awesome seeing and hearing you in both videos - especially the full version and your accents in which the critical idiots likely speak. What the hell is wrong with people?! I suspect whoever would complain about your perversely sick and twisted zombie sex scenes is simply jealous because they can't get laid - not even by a blind zombie.

    My worst review was the one for which I paid Kirkus big money. The reviewer was troubled that she couldn't "follow" all of the male characters - there were too many of them. Why anyone, much less a reader, would want to follow (stalk?) those inept dweebs is beyond my comprehension. Unless she (also) can't ever get any action, not even if initiated by a blind zombie.

    Oy vey. Idiots indeed!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I hope that Kirkus reviewer never reads something like Game of Thrones, because it has roughly 1,000 characters, and all of them have names like Tyquarius Targaryen, Unsullied King of the North and Father of Dragons. If she had to remember 1,000 of those, I bet her tiny pea brain would explode.

      "Buk complukated! Karacters many! Whuh hoppen? Brayn hert. Stars = this many. *holds up three fingers*" - Kirkus professional literary review

      Delete
  23. [im]http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1358866862l/16090860.jpg[/im]

    ReplyDelete
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    1. [im]https://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/35014404.jpg[/im]

      Delete
    2. Haha! I got nothin'! Either answer seems...wrong.

      Delete
  24. BEER BOYS ~
    That Necrophiliac / Zombie meme is hilarious. Here I am laughing and I'm not even halfway through my first cup of coffee yet.

    I have so much to say about THIS TOPIC and about THIS BLOG BIT but I'm going to try to hold myself to just 4 items...

    1) As you know, I'd been reading 'TUCK WATLEY: The Freedom Fighter Fighter' and I was really enjoying it, too. I got nearly to the end when I had to put it aside in disgust and ceased reading it. See, I got up to the Jesus-Guy Versus Taco-Man chapter, but when I read that Tuck was wearing a bathrobe with the name "MARRIOTT" on it, it brought to mind a very bad memory and made me so mad I couldn't stand the story anymore.

    About 18 years ago a MARRIOTT hotel screwed up my vacation reservation. When I got there, they didn't have the type of room I'd requested, their jacuzzi was out of order, and because of a big butter and egg man strike, the full complimentary breakfast I was supposed to get was down-scaled to just muffins or toast and coffee. So, I'm sure you can see why the mention of Marriott hotels ruined your book for me.

    2) I loved your video, Bryan. You got some charisma there, boy. With an English accent and everything. You're a natural! Fuck Dustin Hoffman!

    3) In 1991 there was a made-for-TV movie that I loved so much that I even bought it later on VHS and watched it many times. First of all, it was about my all-time favorite writer, MARK TWAIN. And it was a true story based on a woman's memoir from when she was a young girl.

    In the movie, Talia "Take Her To The Zoo" Shire played Twain's adult daughter, and Twain was played by Jason Robards, or "Cheyenne" from 'ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST'.

    Probably the one scene that has stuck with me more than any other for all these years is when the little girl informs Twain that 'HUCKLBERRY FINN' has been BANNED from the library. Because, you know, the only way to save the nation is to ban ideas in good books!

    Twain and the little girl, Dorothy, go to see the librarian about the book's banning.

    It's the scene that runs from 44:48 to 49:00...

    Link...>> 'MARK TWAIN AND ME'

    4) Those two reviews you mentioned in your video were so bad they were funny! You almost can't be mad at a Low-IQer S0-oooooo stupid that they make you laugh.

    When it comes to the topic of "BOOK REVIEWS SO STUPID THAT THEY ENTERTAIN" my favorite is still the one written by a high school girl in Wyoming for the book 'WALDEN' by Thoreau (one of my very favorite books ever penned - like, Top 3). Her review was so ironically funny that it inspired me to write A REVIEW ABOUT THE REVIEWER'S REVIEW. Of the 200 reviews I wrote for Amazon.scum, this was one of my real favorites.

    6-B, I know you read this on my own blog a couple years ago, but I couldn't resist posting a link to it here because... I'm still laughing about it:

    Link...>> 'FIVE STARS FOR THE GIRL IN WYOMING!'

    Fun blog bit, Beer Boys. The Americonned Sheeple, as dangerous as they are to all of us, can certainly be very entertaining at times.

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
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    1. While your review was immensely clever and touched on a lot of great points, it upset me greatly, because I was forced to read Huck Finn as a child and was deeply scarred by all of that awful 'reality'. Worst of all, it taught me the N-word, which isn't supposed to ever enter my brain, so it turned me into a privileged racist. I can award your comment no stars whatsoever.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0

      1) That's clearly just satire, because Tuck is going undercover as the enemy, right? Wouldn't the enemy wear something as evil as a MARRIOTT robe?

      2) I wish I could be Dustin Hoffman, but I'm just way too tall (something I've never had to say, ever).

      3) News headline: Twain Banned From Zoo For Bringing Retard Daughter (I assume no one else will understand this)

      4) All kidding aside, that is still my favorite idiot review of all time, and your response is my favorite of all time. You really can't make up that kind of stupidity.

      Would write more, but I'm going out for a 12:00 date with my wife to Burger King.

      Delete
  25. That was a lot more fun than a comic strip :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. And it's a lot easier to act like a jackass in front of a crappy webcam for 5 minutes than it is to spend an hour drawing some doodles! Win/win!

      Delete
  26. There are some weird people out there (not excluding you two of course). I don't know why people think their puny thoughts matter anyway. Does anyone really read those reviews, except maybe the authors?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You know, now that I think about it, I can't remember the last time I even read a review. Most times, if I'm curious about a book I'll just read the sample. I can usually tell by reading a single chapter if I'm going to love a book or hate it. If I hate the sample, I just move on - no need to projectile vomit my innermost thoughts to the world about all the whys.

      Delete
  27. I think the part they cut out was funnier than the part they left in. I hope you get those stars back. Have you considered sending a SWAT team after them?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I would try that, but I'm actually wanted in 48 states for star fraud. She took away so many stars that I had to start embezzling stars from other countries, and laundering stars, and let's just say things got messy FAST.

      Delete
  28. Man they couldn't even get the serial killers name right. I only recently learned about what that weird bastard did. I'd heard the name before, but not the details. While I haven't read your zombie apocalypse book I highly doubt it contains a deranged serial killing gay necrophile.

    When it comes to Amazon reviews I just never bother reading them much. So I've never ran into something as misguided as this. I will say that even though I don't like a lot of American "comedy" (Apparently I just don't get it) I do enjoy your particular brand of humour. Anyone who thinks that absurd humour has no place in British comedy has clearly never heard of Monty Python.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. No, our zombie book doesn't contain a deranged serial killing gay necrophile. In our book, he's straight. See? Totally different.

      (Seriously, though, we don't have any of that. It's very tame by zombie standards)

      And we love British humor, too. It takes a certain amount of wit to understand good British humor. It takes zero of that to understand a fart joke or a punch in the dick. Now, those can be funny, of course, but we prefer the thinking man's dick joke over the obvious one.

      Delete
  29. Ha! There really should be some award competition for colorful amazon reviews. The gold standard is still those sugar free gummy bears, of course.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That review was so good I felt like I was on the toilet with that poor woman. I don't think anything can ever top that.

      For those who haven't had the pleasure:
      Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bear Reviews

      Delete
  30. Raw zombie sex? I'm trying to picture that in my mind. Really I am, but nothing comes to mind. Do you think I have a problem? Naaaa - I might be absurd!

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    1. It's not that different from the human kind, but it's a lot slower and there's a lot more moaning.

      Delete
  31. Just so you know, I was actually pretty upset with that lady's review of Slim. She didn't even finish the book so who is she to leave a review? I know, I know. She's entitled to her opinion. Fair and square and all that. But still, he's my favorite character and holds a special place in my heart. It only makes me feel slightly better that she spends her days handing out crappy reviews like candy on Halloween.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ha! We appreciate your passion for Slim. Reviews like that don't bother us at all, especially after seeing her other reviews. Someone that angry at the world isn't going to pick up a book like Slim and leave with a smile on her face.

      You should be happy to know that we love Slim too, so much so that he might make an appearance in a future Tuck book... It's already been hinted at. Did you catch the Slim reference in Tuck 1?

      Delete
  32. Damn! You're on a banned list with someone. Very cool. I think she should have done a YouTube bad review video.

    https://youtu.be/Dcm2i24SNHQ

    ReplyDelete
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    1. With all of her bad reviews, I bet she could have made a 45 minute video. Never seen that dude before, but that is pretty great. "She rewarded her fans with the gift of diabetes."

      Funny video, but I was probably better off not knowing about YouTubers writing half-assed, ghostwritten books.

      Delete
  33. Reviewers can be so absurd! Your comments about them were funny!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thanks! Though I bet if she could rate that video, she'd rate it 1 star for being too absurd.

      Delete
  34. Dang. I have a review I totally could have tossed in the pile there. So you know how I write YA Historical Fantasy with strong elements of romance? Erm, so a MIDDLE AGED MAN picked up my book and started reading. ... ... I don't even know what to say to that first of all. And then he felt compelled to review the book after reading the first ten pages. ... ... So again, stupidity is as stupidity does, eh? (He SO did not read the blurb--or look at the flippin' cover for that matter.)

    Cheers on your 1 star review! That is epic.

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    1. A good book should appeal to anyone, I would think. One of our fans is a woman almost approaching 80... and she's a laugh riot. I don't even want to imagine what she'd do if we told her, "Sorry, but just like Trix, this book is for kids." Then we forcibly robbed her.

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  35. I have to say, I have NO problem leaving a scathing review for a terrible book. However, the book has to be terrible not because I just didn't like it or it wasn't my style, but because of REAL reasons, like bad grammar, lack of editing . . . all those things that trigger my personal gag reflex. And the purpose of a bad review (in my opinion) is to warn others that the book is not worth spending money on, because the author didn't bother putting any effort into "doing it right" by having rewrites and edits. I've had authors attack me (which is always pretty funny, actually), calling me too cheap to spend a few bucks—implying that a cheaper Kindle book means the author doesn't have to bother doing a better job, I suppose. The sentence structure in their defensive retorts is always enough to make my argument for me.

    On the flip side, I'm also a firm believer in leaving a good review when a book deserves it, and I try to give real reasons so people don't think it's just another "wow, great!" review that may or may not be phony. I love giving good reviews when a book is good, and I would never compare a "classic" with a book that's meant for a good, solid laugh. Each can be terrific (or awful) in its own right. I don't compare Hendrix to Chopin . . . no different with book genres.

    Your book reviews are terrific! And yes, they should always be read in snooty voices for the full effect.

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    1. To be 100% honest, if I go to Amazon and look at a lesser known book and it has nothing but generic 5 star reviews, I probably won't get it. Those reviews are always padded by friends and family and mean absolutely nothing. When I buy a book, I look for the 1 star reviews. If they're petty or ignorant and easy to dismiss, I might check the book out still. But if they have a valid point and highlight real issues (like poor editing, bad writing, etc) then I'll take that to be the only honest review in the entire bunch and skip buying the book. And I appreciate that person saving me the few bucks.

      And speaking of a few bucks, we charge $5.99 for a professionally done ebook that is well written, well edited, well formatted, and contains a cover that we shot/drew ourselves. We think that's more than fair. But some people will gripe about it like we're greedy assholes trying to rip them off, and yet they won't gripe about Stephen King's publisher charging $14.99 for the Kindle version of his new book (when the mass market paperback is being sold for half of that, mind you).

      I guess as Indie authors we're supposed to charge 99 cents for an ebook and just be grateful for making 33 cents (split between the two of us!) for all of our hard work.

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  36. That's dun fucked up.
    I'm in the mid-beginning of the missing link, love it so far.
    Hope the bullshit is taken care of.

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    1. Glad to hear! No real bullshit to take care of. Bullshit seems to always take care of itself, especially in the case of stupid people. Like, right now we imagine reviewer #1 is eating paint chips and slowly dying of lead poisoning, and reviewer #2 is stuck in the corner of the living room, trying to use her GPS to navigate her out because she's "lost".

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  37. You know you've made it as an author when someone wants to ban your book. So far, I've just been called a racist; I think that's the most exciting review as of yet....

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    1. Well, you are a pretty pale shade of white, so you already fit the stereotype...

      If you've already been called racist, then a ban warning must surely just be around the corner. It worked for Mark Twain.

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  38. Oooo, I want someone to call for the banning of my books (some day). Yeesh. All I have to say is NEVER TONE IT DOWN! All the foulness.

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    1. Psssh, if we toned it down, then we'd never get ban threats. What fun is that?

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  39. A call for a ban? How cool is that! You're now in a great club.

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  40. Hehehehe the videos amused me. Also, congrats on the lame-ass ban warning. :-P

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    1. Thanks! And yes, lame-ass is spot on... I mean, is there any other kind of ban warning?

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  41. Hell Yeah guys I might have to go find this. Hey not sure if you guys remember me but I used to have a blog a few years back called The Penguin Gazette (You guys drew me a bitching logo for my logo contest). Well I'm back and I brought a couple of friends with me. We are a podcast called The Rant Pack! I hope you guys get a chance to check us out!


    P.S. I am very glad that you guys are still around and killing it on the blog and book scene!

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  42. P.S.S. Im the BALD guy....aka Rudy

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    1. Hey, good to see you again, Rudy! And come on, you really think we could forget that epic beard? We know exactly who you are, and we'll check out your podcast soon.

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  43. There was some lady in the UK who recently passed away, was one of Amazon's most prolific reviewer, as she reviewed up to 10 books a day. Interestingly enough, she had stated openly (before dying obviously), that a lot of the books she had reviewed she'd never actually read.

    I Are Writer!

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    1. That's fascinating. I wonder if other B and I could be that prolific as writers.

      "B and B, you've both written 781 novels together, just in the last year alone, making you the most prolific writers of all time. What's your secret?"
      Us: Well, you see, we didn't write ALL of them...

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